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Thread: Did ESFp ghost me, lose interest, or is busy?

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    Default Did ESFp ghost me, lose interest, or is busy?

    I was friends with an esfp muslim arab girl and we exchanged social media outside of class but then the pandemic hit also i kept unadding her and adding her out of fear because i came from traditional roots and my borderline/fearful avoidant attachment and my liking her as more than a friend but she was surprisingly tolerant until one day i was getting tired of waiting weeks for a reply so i went on a rant, not directed at her, but more directed at the situation, and i deleted my instagram account because i kept getting salafi content (fundamentalist islam) and pro-dictator bullshit from my parent's home country and domestic american political content which was very conservative, too much for my liking (some of it was nationalist, yuk, and others were "democratic socialist") so then i tried creating an account to follow her back but i thought i was getting stalked by another girl so i deleted. months later, i texted her on instagram and another social media, one of which was open to the public, so her friends could see me writing to her, and surprisingly, a month later, she hasn't deleted my comment on facebook or blocked me on either, but she hasn't been on either it seems because she didn't see the instagram messages, and she never deleted the requests, but i kept withdrawing them out of fear. but i currently have one pending. but i did see changes in her followers and following numbers (not being creepy, i just have an eye for detail and keep visiting her page). as yu can guess, her account is private. so i do wanna let you know i am not a neurotypical, so etiquette does not come naturally, and i am not very aware of myself. can anyone explain? i keep overthinking. btw there was another time where it took more than a month for her to reply too. EDIT she also recently stopped working (lives with family i think) and may be busy with school.

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    Adam Strange's Avatar
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    Any of those three scenarios is possible.

    If you are tired of waiting for her, find someone else. They don't have to be perfect.

    I got tired of waiting for a Dual to magically appear in my life, or any of the several Duals I know to suddenly have a change of heart and recognize how awesome I am, so I started dating women who were not Duals. Which led to one temporary GF and a bunch of fun dates. They were actually more fun because I knew I wasn't trying to make the relationship into some ideal that I dreamed about, but was rather just enjoying their company and having as much fun as I could have.

    I will say, thought, the interactions I have had with non-Dual dates proceed exactly as predicted by Socionics. So maybe a Dual will come along eventually, but I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for her.

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    xerxe xerxe's Avatar
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    Like Adam said, each one of those scenarios is possible. It's hard to tell from the information you've given, esp. given the fact that she's not around to give you feedback.

    I have quite a bit of experience dealing with autistic men, and what I'll say is this: they come on really strong while ignoring a lot of the preliminary stages of social interaction. I've seen them walk up to strangers they were interested in and immediately start talking about one of their personal interests. They can't gauge body language, so they don't stop because they don't know that the other person is uncomfortable. The other person finds an excuse to terminate the conversation and walk away.

    Misfit, there are a few dating agencies for autistic people. You could date another autistic single. I don't know how many there are though—is it super important for her to be Muslim?

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    Quote Originally Posted by xerxe View Post
    Like Adam said, each one of those scenarios is possible. It's hard to tell from the information you've given, esp. given the fact that she's not around to give you feedback.

    I have quite a bit of experience dealing with autistic men, and what I'll say is this: they come on really strong while ignoring a lot of the preliminary stages of social interaction. I've seen them walk up to strangers they were interested in and immediately start talking about one of their personal interests. They can't gauge body language, so they don't stop because they don't know that the other person is uncomfortable. The other person finds an excuse to terminate the conversation and walk away.

    Misfit, there are a few dating agencies for autistic people. You could date another autistic single. I don't know how many there are though—is it super important for her to be Muslim?
    well, im not really ready emotionally to date, im just looking for a friend who i can talk openly about the possibility of a relationship with in the future, which is why muslim girls seem to fit because they are still young, like me, and have time to settle down. but if i wanted to date, from my understanding i could date a christian or jewish woman provided she is somewhat practicing ("God fearing") and chaste. im gonna start work soon in the hospital as a medical coder God willing. maybe ill find someone there, at least after quarantine. but to be honest, i actually know someone who's muslim and a girl, who SEEMS to like me, but we've had very few encounters and dont meet a lot and what with the pandemic we can't see each other and she's only 17, and her dad doesnt like me. she's INFj. i was just exploring possibilities. EDIT: i also am worried she doesn't like me anymore because i crushed on other girls after telling her i might marry her and im worried she read my internet history. EDIT: by christian or jew with those traits i meant in islamic law. i live in the usa btw EDIT: the INFj also is familiar with autism, as her brother is nonverbal autistic

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    she also hasnt seen any of my messages

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    Humanist Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    You gotta shake off the people who are not working out. The more you do it the less emotional it gets
    -
    Dual type (as per tcaudilllg)
    Enneagram 2w1sw(1w9) helps others to live up to their own standards of what a good person is and is very behind the scenes in the process.
    Tritype 1-2-6 stacking sp/sx


    I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE

    Best description of functions:
    http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html

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    An ESFp never loses interest. THey just find something they're MORE interested in.

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    Social media is a spook.

    Don't over think it. You acted flaky in her eyes I'm guessing. Be Better(TM) next time.

    I'm not a ESFp either. Its just what I see.

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    xerxe xerxe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    well, im not really ready emotionally to date, im just looking for a friend who i can talk openly about the possibility of a relationship with in the future, which is why muslim girls seem to fit because they are still young, like me, and have time to settle down. but if i wanted to date, from my understanding i could date a christian or jewish woman provided she is somewhat practicing ("God fearing") and chaste. im gonna start work soon in the hospital as a medical coder God willing. maybe ill find someone there, at least after quarantine. but to be honest, i actually know someone who's muslim and a girl, who SEEMS to like me, but we've had very few encounters and dont meet a lot and what with the pandemic we can't see each other and she's only 17, and her dad doesnt like me. she's INFj. i was just exploring possibilities. EDIT: i also am worried she doesn't like me anymore because i crushed on other girls after telling her i might marry her and im worried she read my internet history. EDIT: by christian or jew with those traits i meant in islamic law. i live in the usa btw EDIT: the INFj also is familiar with autism, as her brother is nonverbal autistic
    Do whatever you like, but I think that parochial religious attitudes like these are seriously narrowing your options (and will continue to do so for the rest of your life).

    But your problems clearly go deeper than that. Left alone, autistic people won't understand most nuances of social interaction. I strongly suggest you see a therapist who can direct you to a professional social coach, because I don't think you're ever going to make any progress without one. Otherwise, in a few months, you'll probably be writing about how a coworker you approached (awkwardly) is accusing of sexual harassment.

    As an autistic person, you need to be able to enumerate and memorize hundreds of different interaction possibilities to a very minute level of detail: what does it mean when a co-worker doesn't immediately laugh after you tell a knock-knock joke; what does it mean when they show up fifteen minutes late to your meeting without giving a reason; etc. You need to develop a consistent strategy for dealing with each one, and only a professional can help you with that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by xerxe View Post
    Do whatever you like, but I think that parochial religious attitudes like these are seriously narrowing your options (and will continue to do so for the rest of your life).

    But your problems clearly go deeper than that. Left alone, autistic people won't understand most nuances of social interaction. I strongly suggest you see a therapist who can direct you to a professional social coach, because I don't think you're ever going to make any progress without one. Otherwise, in a few months, you'll probably be writing about how a coworker you approached (awkwardly) is accusing of sexual harassment.

    As an autistic person, you need to be able to enumerate and memorize hundreds of different interaction possibilities to a very minute level of detail: what does it mean when a co-worker doesn't immediately laugh after you tell a knock-knock joke; what does it mean when they show up fifteen minutes late to your meeting without giving a reason; etc. You need to develop a consistent strategy for dealing with each one, and only a professional can help you with that.
    I'm already seeing a CBT counselor for training on how to interact, I'm also going to start seeing a DBT therapist for emotional dysregulation. I'll make note of your comment and try to schedule more appointments and try to keep the focus on interactions with other people. Especially as I head for work after my certificate.

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    Quote Originally Posted by xerxe View Post
    Do whatever you like, but I think that parochial religious attitudes like these are seriously narrowing your options (and will continue to do so for the rest of your life).

    But your problems clearly go deeper than that. Left alone, autistic people won't understand most nuances of social interaction. I strongly suggest you see a therapist who can direct you to a professional social coach, because I don't think you're ever going to make any progress without one. Otherwise, in a few months, you'll probably be writing about how a coworker you approached (awkwardly) is accusing of sexual harassment.

    As an autistic person, you need to be able to enumerate and memorize hundreds of different interaction possibilities to a very minute level of detail: what does it mean when a co-worker doesn't immediately laugh after you tell a knock-knock joke; what does it mean when they show up fifteen minutes late to your meeting without giving a reason; etc. You need to develop a consistent strategy for dealing with each one, and only a professional can help you with that.
    I don't think I can afford a CBT social worker, a DBT counselor, AND a social coach. I'll see.

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    Quote Originally Posted by xerxe View Post
    Do whatever you like, but I think that parochial religious attitudes like these are seriously narrowing your options (and will continue to do so for the rest of your life).

    But your problems clearly go deeper than that. Left alone, autistic people won't understand most nuances of social interaction. I strongly suggest you see a therapist who can direct you to a professional social coach, because I don't think you're ever going to make any progress without one. Otherwise, in a few months, you'll probably be writing about how a coworker you approached (awkwardly) is accusing of sexual harassment.

    As an autistic person, you need to be able to enumerate and memorize hundreds of different interaction possibilities to a very minute level of detail: what does it mean when a co-worker doesn't immediately laugh after you tell a knock-knock joke; what does it mean when they show up fifteen minutes late to your meeting without giving a reason; etc. You need to develop a consistent strategy for dealing with each one, and only a professional can help you with that.
    I'm also seeing a psychiatrist.

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    xerxe xerxe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    I'm already seeing a CBT counselor for training on how to interact, I'm also going to start seeing a DBT therapist for emotional dysregulation. I'll make note of your comment and try to schedule more appointments and try to keep the focus on interactions with other people. Especially as I head for work after my certificate.
    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    I don't think I can afford a CBT social worker, a DBT counselor, AND a social coach. I'll see.
    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    I'm also seeing a psychiatrist.
    Good.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    I was friends with an esfp muslim arab girl and we exchanged social media outside of class but then the pandemic hit also i kept unadding her and adding her out of fear because i came from traditional roots and my borderline/fearful avoidant attachment and my liking her as more than a friend but she was surprisingly tolerant until one day i was getting tired of waiting weeks for a reply so i went on a rant, not directed at her, but more directed at the situation, and i deleted my instagram account because i kept getting salafi content (fundamentalist islam) and pro-dictator bullshit from my parent's home country and domestic american political content which was very conservative, too much for my liking (some of it was nationalist, yuk, and others were "democratic socialist") so then i tried creating an account to follow her back but i thought i was getting stalked by another girl so i deleted. months later, i texted her on instagram and another social media, one of which was open to the public, so her friends could see me writing to her, and surprisingly, a month later, she hasn't deleted my comment on facebook or blocked me on either, but she hasn't been on either it seems because she didn't see the instagram messages, and she never deleted the requests, but i kept withdrawing them out of fear. but i currently have one pending. but i did see changes in her followers and following numbers (not being creepy, i just have an eye for detail and keep visiting her page). as yu can guess, her account is private. so i do wanna let you know i am not a neurotypical, so etiquette does not come naturally, and i am not very aware of myself. can anyone explain? i keep overthinking. btw there was another time where it took more than a month for her to reply too. EDIT she also recently stopped working (lives with family i think) and may be busy with school.
    YOU GHOSTED HER. SHE NEVER SHOWED MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP INTEREST IN YOU, UNLESS YOU'RE LEAVING THAT OUT. YOU ARE DOING THE THING AGAIN WHERE YOU USE SOMEONE IN ORDER TO AVOID DEVELOPING. YOU USE HER TO OBSESS IN YOUR OWN MIND AND AVOID GROWING. STOP TRYING TO DATE. YOU ARE NOT READY. YOU DON'T HAVE THE SKILLS YET. DEVELOP FRIENDSHIP ONLY SKILLS. STOP WASTING YOUR TIME AND TORTURING YOURSELF BY OBSESSING ABOUT THESE THINGS. MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE SAME ACTIVITIES AND ART AND MUSIC AND SCHOOL THINGS YOU LIKE. BE KIND. LEARN HOW TO HAVE FRIENDS.
    ENTj-Ni sx/so

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    Quote Originally Posted by nanashi View Post
    YOU GHOSTED HER. SHE NEVER SHOWED MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP INTEREST IN YOU, UNLESS YOU'RE LEAVING THAT OUT. YOU ARE DOING THE THING AGAIN WHERE YOU USE SOMEONE IN ORDER TO AVOID DEVELOPING. YOU USE HER TO OBSESS IN YOUR OWN MIND AND AVOID GROWING. STOP TRYING TO DATE. YOU ARE NOT READY. YOU DON'T HAVE THE SKILLS YET. DEVELOP FRIENDSHIP ONLY SKILLS. STOP WASTING YOUR TIME AND TORTURING YOURSELF BY OBSESSING ABOUT THESE THINGS. MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE SAME ACTIVITIES AND ART AND MUSIC AND SCHOOL THINGS YOU LIKE. BE KIND. LEARN HOW TO HAVE FRIENDS.
    you are too angry, child. take a cup of green tea and relax. now stop posting on my questions with your aggressive dribble until you apologize and learn to behave yourself.

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    i already put you on my ignore list anyway, @nanashi now go take an anger management class

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    you are too angry, child. take a cup of green tea and relax. now stop posting on my questions with your aggressive dribble until you apologize and learn to behave yourself.
    Yes, that's good. If you call her a child in your post and don't rant with rage, yourself, for a few seconds she'll look bad for confronting you on your persistently non-functioning behavior. Anger. Just say she rages, and then by virtue of her feeling an emotion everyone, including you, can just dismiss everything she keeps telling you EVERY. TIME. YOU. DO. THIS. WHICH. IS. LIKE. EVERY TWO WEEKS.

    She didn't have anything valid to say, right?
    ENTj-Ni sx/so

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    Quote Originally Posted by nanashi View Post
    Yes, that's good. If you call her a child in your post and don't rant with rage, yourself, for a few seconds she'll look bad for confronting you on your persistently non-functioning behavior. Anger. Just say she rages, and then by virtue of her feeling an emotion everyone, including you, can just dismiss everything she keeps telling you EVERY. TIME. YOU. DO. THIS. WHICH. IS. LIKE. EVERY TWO WEEKS.

    She didn't have anything valid to say, right?
    hush. You talk too much.

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