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Thread: What is your attachment style?

  1. #41
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    I think the best relationships have a 'healthy silence' in them when you're not narcissistically talking about everything and projecting qualities you don't like in yourself to others- and playing some weird mental game back and forth- but simply pleasantly enjoying each other's company. And you just work on the next task together because you do like each other.

    A relationship should calm your ego down and get you to enjoy life- not the opposite. A relationship is something you feel, not something you think.

    Of course I know all this and I'm still not in a relationship because I mean I over-think way too much myself - and just haven't found anybody yet whose energy I liked enough to 'fall in love' with them. I mostly have felt a hidden sense of mutual hatefulness and loathing for most people I meet lol. Once you fall in love though, in the healthy way, it is spiritual in the sense you stop the ego crap and projection.

    Although your ego right now might be going 'eh I don't really think that exists.' That's what I'm talking about lol.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BandD View Post
    narcissistically talking about everything and projecting qualities you don't like in yourself to others- and playing some weird mental game back and forth
    I have only done this before because I never really liked the person in the first place. It's like a cycle of not caring about what they say and thinking they're boring as hell, so it's better to be the one talking so they don't have to talk at all. You don't even know why you have to keep the conversation, but you still do but you don't have the energy to change the situation so you kinda think you are shit for doing so. The more you do it the shittier you feel, so you start projecting negative qualities. You can just stop talking and listen for once, but then again you really don't care about them, and the cycle goes on.

    I'm thinking this mostly happens with Introvert + Introvert, but not so much with Introvert + Extrovert pairings. Not that it always happens with Introvert + Introvert though.

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    I don't need a test for this to know I'm anxious preoccupied. But it depends on the situation, how bad it can get. It's a combination of wanting to take care of the other person, but also a projection of my own fear of not being taken care of.

    This video describes me well (to a degree).



    I think knowing about it, what triggers me, helps a lot in dealing with it.

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    Secure.

    Tbh I'm pretty healthy despite being raised in an abusive environment. I already put in the work to heal and to face the unhealthy things that can come from that. I like to face everything head-on and then move past it. Now that I'm healthier my fight is for others who have experienced the same kind of hell. I've become passionately invested in reaching out to those who would benefit from it. Although it can be draining it's well worth it just to see these abuse victims climb higher and become better versions of themselves. Besides, helping others that way was part of what kept me holding on. The way I looked at it was basically that if I gave up then everything I'd done already would be in vain. I'd be throwing all of those successes away. If I can help others who've gone through the same things then everything I persisted through seems more worthwhile. I always hope my own success can be proof that it's possible to be healthy, happy, and live a fulfilling life no matter what you've been through since I think a lot of people need that kind of hope and inspiration. A lot of people don't even believe love is real. There are so many people in need of the right things. I find it unfortunate when they only envy or hate. I do try to use caution when sharing as well, however...sometimes it doesn't inspire people to see your success, it only makes them feel worse about themselves. It's often a timing thing and something that generally only works with certain people, moods, or states of mind. It's difficult to get to that point on a forum, however, so sometimes I try to encourage and be an example while hoping it will be received as intended.

    Quote Originally Posted by schwiftyrickty View Post
    Fearful Attachment

    However I don't think I fear being hurt so much as I fear revealing too much of my true self because I believe deep down I may be a toxic or abusive person, as I was raised in a somewhat abusive household by someone who could be considered a narcissist and I see some traits in myself.
    Hmm, I'm pretty opposite of this despite very similar circumstances. I liked to get things out there and then face whatever issue arose. Hiding doesn't help anyone, especially not yourself. When you've been raised by a narcissist they've taken enough from you already. Don't let them take away the opportunities in your present and future, too. Try to have the courage to let the issues be exposed (as it exposes them to yourself as well)...so you can then rise beyond those unhealthy things you picked up. It is possible to move past it and have a healthy life, it doesn't have to damn you forever.

    There are real people behind these avatars on the screen. Each of us have our own stories, struggles, and lives. Think before you speak, we are more than NPCs.



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    I'm Fearful Avoidant. I used to think I was dismissive avoidant at first, but because I was never in a relationship I didn't see the anxious side of me much.


    All me:

    People with fearful avoidant attachment may show signs like:
    • stormy, highly emotional relationships
    • conflicting feelings about relationships (both wanting a romantic relationship and being fearful of being hurt or left by a significant other)
    • a tendency to seek out faults in partners or friends so they can have an excuse to leave a relationship
    • resistance to commitment and intimacy
    • fear or anxiety about being inadequate for a partner or relationship
    • withdrawing from relationships when things get intimate or emotional
    I feel like I've made some progress, but I'll never truly know how much until I actually interact with someone.
    Chronic "grass is always greener" syndrome




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    I probably lean secure/fearful attachment.

    Most people who really flare up my fearful anxious attachment tend to be inconsistent, not honor their word, and unreliable. AKA, people I should not be associating with anyway. So...I kinda see it as if it flares up...the person usually isn't a good fit for me anyways now.

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    How come most people here don't seem to have a secure attachment style?

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    A test may not be enough to rely on - my top score was secure, followed by dismissive-avoidant. Based on feedback from the two people I was in a serious long term relationship with, I have dismissive-avoidant traits, and I trust their perception of me more than mine of myself.

    Personally I didn't find out about attachment styles until I joined this forum to understand the socionics intertype relations and where I went wrong relating to people when I was in high school and onward.

    Wonder if others are in the same boat - here because of a misunderstanding between them and someone in their life. Attachment style can become another piece of the puzzle. (Was thinking of your question, @anotherguy)

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    Quote Originally Posted by anotherguy View Post
    How come most people here don't seem to have a secure attachment style?
    I could go on for literally days my dude. Let's just get this one major concern out there for your consideration. Tolstoy was dead wrong about who exactly was "boring" and the PTB grasped that on an instinctual level and thus set about making all of us unhappy.

    Food for thought my dude. Once you see it this whole fucked up world makes a hell of a lot of sense.

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    Quote Originally Posted by thistle View Post
    A test may not be enough to rely on - my top score was secure, followed by dismissive-avoidant. Based on feedback from the two people I was in a serious long term relationship with, I have dismissive-avoidant traits, and I trust their perception of me more than mine of myself.

    Personally I didn't find out about attachment styles until I joined this forum to understand the socionics intertype relations and where I went wrong relating to people when I was in high school and onward.

    Wonder if others are in the same boat - here because of a misunderstanding between them and someone in their life. Attachment style can become another piece of the puzzle. (Was thinking of your question, @anotherguy)
    Yeah, this was the sentiment I was thinking of. I've found that I mostly look for things like socionics, attachment styles, all kinds of information as a sort of coping mechanism, to provide security when there is turbulence. Supposedly 50% or some high number of people are secure in their attachment style, very different from here.

    I do agree with you, it's better to get feedback from others, but it's also important to see your own emotional reactions. It's hard to not notice anxiety for example in myself. I won't act on it, but it's still there. Maybe it's different between different attachment styles. And it's not a binary thing, certain situations might be more triggering than others. Categorical thinking, or binary thinking is not the same as how for example attachment styles work out in reality. More like a spectrum.

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    I don't support this theory because it assumes there are people who have good relationship management skills and some deficient people, it's not how it works. Nobody is "secure", we all have some weaknesses and maladaptive mechanisms to identify and work at. This theory is very shallow and oversimplifies things.

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    This sounds like bullshit.

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    anxious-preoccupied :/

    ahem, ps the one i prefer for myself or in general is obviously secure as that is the one and only healthy one lol. although two anxious/preoccupieds could create some fascinating pyrotechnics jk. and a mirror... like being anxious/preoccupied to me feels like being a vampire and so i would see the vampire in the other person, and if any fear came between us it would be fear of our own selves.

    i kinda like these explanations from first google link: https://integrativelifecenter.com/we...ed-attachment/
    Last edited by inumbra; 10-08-2021 at 12:24 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by qaz00 View Post
    I don't support this theory because it assumes there are people who have good relationship management skills and some deficient people, it's not how it works. Nobody is "secure", we all have some weaknesses and maladaptive mechanisms to identify and work at. This theory is very shallow and oversimplifies things.
    I don't think it is far-fetched to believe that the examples of relating set out by your parents/caregivers can have a bearing on how you view relationships.
    What do you think about this aspect of the theory - especially in cases where caregivers seem to hold on to their respective weaknesses, and don't seek to change them?

    In my case, my dad feels inconvenienced by frequent phone calls from an old school friend, so he would tell me to answer and to say that he's out mowing the lawns and after that making dinner - could I ask the friend to call back tomorrow. My mother still believes that she doesn't need friends. "When I do things on my own I can take as much time as I need and don't have to worry about someone waiting for me, or worry about whether they want to go somewhere else".

    When I moved out of my parents' home and town and branched out, I met other people who had completely different outlooks on relationships. What they seemed to like about me felt claustrophobic, I quickly walled off because there were judgmental thoughts forming about their motives and I believed my negative thoughts would ruin any potential relationship.

    To see the merits of "Secure" behaviours a person may have to accept feeling uncomfortable for a certain period of time, in order to form more memories of positive experiences during which they did not need anxious or dismissive (more maladaptive, as you put it) strategies to manage. Maybe it has something to do with being open to a range of outcomes and believing that you will be able to cross that particular bridge when you come to it, rather than trusting a set of catch-all judgments. The judgements themselves can be a form of over-simplification.

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    I have read that when a Dismissive-Avoidant meets a Secure, the Dismissive-Avoidant can feel “suffocated” by the Secure’s normal amount of attention.

    I test as Secure, but I seem to meet a lot of Avoidants. A Dual woman I met on Match was Fearful-Avoidant, and my ex-wife was Dismissive-Avoidant.

    A few years after I divorced my ex, I encouraged her to meet a nice guy I know, who is her Dual. After a while, she moved in with him. A little over a year later, she moved out.

    She sometimes sends me texts telling me that she still loves me. Maybe she thinks this makes me feel better, but it doesn’t.

    She’s gonna be single for the rest of her life.
    Last edited by Adam Strange; 10-07-2021 at 09:05 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by anotherguy View Post
    How come most people here don't seem to have a secure attachment style?
    Socionics is a theory made for the mentally ill.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    I have read that when a Dismissive-Avoidant meets a Secure, the Dismissive-Avoidant can feel “suffocated” by the Secure’s normal amount of attention.

    I test as Secure, but I seem to meet a lot of Avoidants. A Dual woman I met on Match was Fearful-Avoidant, and my ex-wife was Dismissive-Avoidant.

    A few years after I divorced my ex, I encouraged her to meet a nice guy I know, who is her Dual. After a while, she moved in with him. A little over a year later, she moved out.

    She sometimes sends me texts telling me that she still loves me. Maybe she thinks this makes me feel better, but it doesn’t.

    She’s gonna be single for the rest of her life.
    The problem is she doesn't even realize she has a problem, what exactly it is, or how to fix it. I've recommended a particular work by Adam Lane Smith elsewhere and if you can somehow convince her to read a 100 page book he wrote on this it should help her out (type in "slaying your fear" into Amazon search and it pops right up). The author himself has stated that it is remarkably easy to convince females (in comparison to males) that attachment issues are a thing, they have them, and that they can and should fix them.

    If she'd but fix those issues she'd be able to find a good mate. It'd help you out as well. If you meet a broken ESI who is open to the prospect of fixing her issues perhaps you should put up with the extra work. After all, so many women with so many issues. If you find one that has them but is willing to allow you to help her strike at the root of them? It's work but at least it has a good chance of working if ya catch my meaning.

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    @End, I've thought about this, but I'm reluctant to just tell her that she's broken and give her a book on what she should do to fix herself.

    I have a real reluctance to trying to "fix" people. It immediately places me in a superior, judging position to her, and while I think her attachment issues will cause her to miss out on a lot of good guys, she might think she's perfectly fine the way she is.

    This is why I liked @Baqer's approach of asking her questions about whether she's satisfied with her life or not. If she says Yes, then there's nothing I can do. If she thinks she could be doing better, then I can suggest a possible remedy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    @End, I've thought about this, but I'm reluctant to just tell her that she's broken and give her a book on what she should do to fix herself.

    I have a real reluctance to trying to "fix" people. It immediately places me in a superior, judging position to her, and while I think her attachment issues will cause her to miss out on a lot of good guys, she might think she's perfectly fine the way she is.

    This is why I liked @Baqer's approach of asking her questions about whether she's satisfied with her life or not. If she says Yes, then there's nothing I can do. If she thinks she could be doing better, then I can suggest a possible remedy.
    Perhaps it is because my Brother is my dual (who is married to his semi-dual who has major issues in this regard and am still trying to formulate how to break that news both to him and her in such a way that won't get them both to hate my guts as boy oh boy does he love her and fucking hell does she have them bad) and I am the supervisor in relation to my own mother but I am of the opinion that Brute force (with some tactful modifications) is the way to go.

    The path you mentioned. The question of whether or not you are "satisfied" with your life is a great approach... for those with healthy attachment styles. Remember, if you are dealing with someone who is not healthy they are focused on giving you an answer that you are comfortable with hearing. What do they think? What do they feel? Yeah, telling you that honestly and openly is the equivalent of getting black out drunk in a prison full of serial killers far as they are concerned so they never do that. Such is the source of their eternal sorrow.

    You know her better than I ever could. What was she interested in? What genre's of fiction was she most drawn towards? I hate to ask for more data in this way but I need it to help you try to get her to move past her issues and find happiness. Hell, the fact you even care about her that much is proof that you really aren't whatever monster others claim you are. I suppose I get it. I've been accused several times of being a heartless robot that could never understand another human being. If only they knew the truth...

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    Quote Originally Posted by End View Post
    The path you mentioned. The question of whether or not you are "satisfied" with your life is a great approach... for those with healthy attachment styles. Remember, if you are dealing with someone who is not healthy they are focused on giving you an answer that you are comfortable with hearing. What do they think? What do they feel? Yeah, telling you that honestly and openly is the equivalent of getting black out drunk in a prison full of serial killers far as they are concerned so they never do that. Such is the source of their eternal sorrow.
    I am of the belief that most people who are messed up in some way, attachment style, anxiety, depression, whatever, know that they're suffering and unsatisfied. Just because someone isn't healthy doesn't mean they'll always try to lie their way through things to not answer questions. If you can present yourself on someone who they can trust(something I may add shouldn't be especially hard between duals), you can get them to start genuinely considering the questions your asking. I will admit, presenting yourself and approaching a conversation in a way that gets people to listen and think is hard, but from my experience all it takes is genuine feeling of empathy and care towards the other person.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Baqer View Post
    I am of the belief that most people who are messed up in some way, attachment style, anxiety, depression, whatever, know that they're suffering and unsatisfied. Just because someone isn't healthy doesn't mean they'll always try to lie their way through things to not answer questions. If you can present yourself on someone who they can trust(something I may add shouldn't be especially hard between duals), you can get them to start genuinely considering the questions your asking. I will admit, presenting yourself and approaching a conversation in a way that gets people to listen and think is hard, but from my experience all it takes is genuine feeling of empathy and care towards the other person.
    Believing you actually can trust someone else is the key issue here. Again, these issues are imbedded into your limbic system/fight or flight response. It's easy to say "You just need to be honest with people and open up" but it really isn't that easy as your primordial caveman brain is screaming at you telling you "If you show others who/what you truly are they'll kill/abandon you on the spot" with dire seriousness if you have these issues. The worse they are, the louder your mind screams at you for even contemplating the attempt.

    This is why I say the fix is easy on paper but actually quite difficult in practice. To actually go through with it literally takes balls of steel. Fix all your problems and issues! It's totally within your grasp! All ya gotta do is the metaphorical equivalent of going over the trench and charging across No Man's Land at the Battle of Verdun. Easy! Anyone can do it! Except yeah, they can't.

    I'm not exaggerating here. You ain't entirely wrong, but you are missing a key issue here. We are all still operating on Cave Man logic. In those times rejection by the tribe meant you died. If you were a girl that went triple as if you got preggers and then rejected by the tribe both you and your kids died. Only women, back in those days, knew for 100 percent certain whose kids were theirs and you can bet your bottom dollar they gave (and still give) a fuck about that.

    Like I said. The solution is technically as easy as you make it out to be. Good luck convincing the great unwashed and ignorant masses of actually going through with that. Masses who have been kept unwashed and ignorant by design...

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