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Thread: I HATE my duals!!!

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    Default I HATE my duals!!!

    I am fed up with the duals in my life. I'm beginning to wonder whether duality is all it's cracked up to be because my ESFps seem to cause more headaches than they are worth. I have a dual parent, a dual friend, and a dual love interest and they are all looking like lost causes to me. I have had to deploy a ridiculous amount of forgiveness to tolerate them. No matter how much true love I display, it is never returned.

    My ESFp parent:
    -Abused me physically for the smallest things growing up
    -Could not tell when being manipulated by others and allowed those manipulations to lead to the abuse of others, especially me
    -I never truly felt loved by this parent unless something was up. I was supported financially, but it is routinely thrown in my face
    -Married to a mirage, miserable, perpetual cheater, and appears selfless to others but those closer to the circle witness the truth selfishness of their actions
    -Cares a lot about appearances, but underneath it all is an awful rolemodel
    -Never reaches out to me first but complains to others that I don't try hard enough to mend our relationship (because as the child that's obviously my job)

    My ESFp friend:
    -Great for partying or adventures, but has mood swings and becomes very emotionally manipulative
    ex: If I'm dating a guy and I'm happy but she isn't, she will try to manipulate my thoughts about the guy
    -Doesn't listen to sound advice, but when shit hits the fan, expects me to suffer with her
    -Nowhere to be found when I'm depressed or have mood swings of my own
    -Allows other friends of questionable morale to come between us
    -Uses everyone, has 0 interest in someone who doesn't apparently have something she can use (money or fame)
    -Won't tell anyone how she feels but expects them to "know", (My Fe polr won't tolerate this at all)
    -Randomly chooses to ignore me, abandon me, and give me the cold shoulder and is appalled when I don't run back to her
    -Will reject people's help if she didn't lie, swindle, or seduce them to get her way
    -Will be jealous of people who work for what they have, unlike her
    -Admittedly hates seeing people happy if she is not
    -The entire friendship gives me the feeling that she wishes I were a lesbian and in love with her, that way she could seduce me and take advantage of me
    -Will pretend she has no money so I'll pay for her
    -When I buy her food or something she needs, she never shows appreciation. She might say thank you once, but quickly makes a habit of becoming entitled to the good treatment. Continues to complain that no one cares about her.
    -I never know where I stand with her and am constantly walking on eggshells to keep her happy
    -Gives the impression that she could care less about our friendship even though it's obvious I am quite literally the only genuine friend she has.
    -Will run off when I try to stand up against her mistreatment then shit-talk me and tell a twisted version of what happened to whoever is willing to listen, one time she painted me as an awful person on social media.

    We are currently on an OFF stage and I've decided to let her go. She is in bad financial shape and deeply in need of someone and I've decided to leave her to the wolves. Why should I, the better friend (not to mention, the Victim), have to chase her?

    My ESFp love (interest?): I'll start this off by saying it has been extremely hard to find a straight, male ESFp. I'm starting to wonder if they even exist...
    -No solid career, no stable income and no concrete plan to have either
    -Easily spends what money he does have on useless things
    -Easily swindled into get rich quick schemes
    -No desire to "be a man" and work or take care of a woman
    -I once told him I was in a bad situation, he showed no concern ("Gotta go, you're being too negative")
    -Is taken care of by and living with his mother
    -Hypersexual Tinder addict whose admittedly slept with close to 200 girls
    -Keeps mentioning transwomen and gay men, being "mistaken" for gay, to the point of suspicion
    -Hard for me to tell when his compliments or anything he says is sincere, because...
    -He is constantly lying about even the smallest things, just for me to catch him in his lies because he never remembers them once they leave his mouth
    -Is also attracted to people with money and fame, leading me to wonder if I will be used for these things or left for someone with more of it
    -Tells me he likes me, has fun with me, but never texts me first or makes plans with me

    With my duals, it's like I'm constantly trying to force them to see the value in me and in our pairing, no matter how much they are benefitting from it.
    The things they value are things I have but refuse to be used for like money. I instead would like to help them make money using their talents and dissuade them from making bad decisions or hanging around the wrong crowd. I do all this expecting nothing in return. And yet, they tend to hurt me more than any other type I have relationships with. And though we have good times together, I end up feeling like I get nothing out of the pairing. They have proven themselves to be selfish, self-serving, and willing to do anything with anyone to meet their needs.
    They don't seem to stand on any moral principles, can't tell which friends or love interests are worth their time and effort, and are constantly using me as an emotional punching bag (or a literal one) if not just stringing me along. It has caused more damage to my trust and self esteem than growth in my opinion. I almost wish I was a different type so I wouldn't have such an awful dual type. No matter how much help you give them, they are a bottomless pit and will have you feeling like you put time and effort in for nothing. Then they happily move on to someone who treats them worse but is more loved and appreciated by them than you were.

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    A dual is not worth it if they're a terrible person. These seem like terrible people. Why do you even stick around?

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    I'm not feeling very coherent right now to say much more, but I think your issues with these people run deeper than just ESFps being like that -- because not all are, and I'm not saying that just because I'm ESFp (you don't know me, so my word is useless) but because there are a lot more people with this type than your sample size of three.

    Duality is rewarding if you are self aware enough to recognize constructive feedback vs malicious/unnecessary feedback. It won't work if someone feels like they're being poked on their sore spots with a stick, and it doesn't seem like these people are anywhere near that level of self awareness.

    Don't waste your time on them if you can help it, because it seems like you've already tried much harder to help them than what they deserve. It's obviously hurting you. And as for SEE-ILI duality, I think it's very hard to match up properly, but when it does happen (and both parties are mature enough to appreciate it) it can be very rewarding. I don't have much personal experience with it, but conversations with ILIs are very enlightening for me, and they seem to enjoy talking to me as well because I pay a lot of attention.

    I'm sorry you're surrounded by people like this. I hope you find someone who appreciates you a lot more.

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    Quote Originally Posted by voider View Post
    These seem like terrible people. Why do you even stick around?
    God HATES him/her!!!

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    Tbh if you are stupid enough to give “true love” to people and stick around long enough to then accumulate a textwall of complaints about them, then you deserve it. Don’t expect good relationships and experiences to just come to you if you live your life like a gloomy sitting duck.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sbbds View Post
    Tbh if you are stupid enough to give “true love” to people and stick around long enough to then accumulate a textwall of complaints about them, then you deserve it. Don’t expect good relationships and experiences to just come to you if you live your life like a gloomy sitting duck.
    It's not stupidity. It's temperament. All dynamic types see negative things as periods to get over. It gives us properties like loyalty in difficult spots.

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    Calm my ILI friend has married her third SEe husband after the first two died. There’s love and hope for you. You just haven’t found the right dual. Duality is natural. I have amazing ESFP cousins. The SEE want my ILI mom and want her to live with them. Seriously though I have a ton on SEE family and friends all so generous. I think you are dating in the wrong avenues or society
    -
    Dual type (as per tcaudilllg)
    Enneagram 2w1sw(1w9) helps others to live up to their own standards of what a good person is and is very behind the scenes in the process.
    Tritype 1-2-6 stacking sp/sx


    I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE

    Best description of functions:
    http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html

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    There was a period of time that I too hated LSE so I can feel you but I also learned that I was dating the wrong people and the good ones were right next to me all along. I hope this gives you hope
    -
    Dual type (as per tcaudilllg)
    Enneagram 2w1sw(1w9) helps others to live up to their own standards of what a good person is and is very behind the scenes in the process.
    Tritype 1-2-6 stacking sp/sx


    I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE

    Best description of functions:
    http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html

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    mistyping. inc. mb your type
    Types examples: video bloggers, actors

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    I kinda agree with Maritsa here, you might be stuck in a bad pool of human beings in general. For example, my brother has a ton of crazy redneck relatives, and no matter what type they were, you wouldn't want to be around them because they are always starting drama and (from what I hear) chopping family up into little pieces. See if all of these candidates are all in your version of the redneck pool and try to sample SEEs from outside of it if so.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ouronis View Post
    I kinda agree with Maritsa here, you might be stuck in a bad pool of human beings in general. For example, my brother has a ton of crazy redneck relatives, and no matter what type they were, you wouldn't want to be around them because they are always starting drama and (from what I hear) chopping family up into little pieces. See if all of these candidates are all in your version of the redneck pool and try to sample SEEs from outside of it if so.
    Thanks ouronis

    -
    Dual type (as per tcaudilllg)
    Enneagram 2w1sw(1w9) helps others to live up to their own standards of what a good person is and is very behind the scenes in the process.
    Tritype 1-2-6 stacking sp/sx


    I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE

    Best description of functions:
    http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilex View Post
    It's not stupidity. It's temperament. All dynamic types see negative things as periods to get over. It gives us properties like loyalty in difficult spots.
    No lol it’s just being naive about people. Stupidity can be a negative period to get over though so it could be worse.

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    Quote Originally Posted by calm View Post
    I am fed up with the duals in my life. I'm beginning to wonder whether duality is all it's cracked up to be because my ESFps seem to cause more headaches than they are worth. I have a dual parent, a dual friend, and a dual love interest and they are all looking like lost causes to me. I have had to deploy a ridiculous amount of forgiveness to tolerate them. No matter how much true love I display, it is never returned.

    My ESFp parent:
    -Abused me physically for the smallest things growing up
    -Could not tell when being manipulated by others and allowed those manipulations to lead to the abuse of others, especially me
    -I never truly felt loved by this parent unless something was up. I was supported financially, but it is routinely thrown in my face
    -Married to a mirage, miserable, perpetual cheater, and appears selfless to others but those closer to the circle witness the truth selfishness of their actions
    -Cares a lot about appearances, but underneath it all is an awful rolemodel
    -Never reaches out to me first but complains to others that I don't try hard enough to mend our relationship (because as the child that's obviously my job)

    My ESFp friend:
    -Great for partying or adventures, but has mood swings and becomes very emotionally manipulative
    ex: If I'm dating a guy and I'm happy but she isn't, she will try to manipulate my thoughts about the guy
    -Doesn't listen to sound advice, but when shit hits the fan, expects me to suffer with her
    -Nowhere to be found when I'm depressed or have mood swings of my own
    -Allows other friends of questionable morale to come between us
    -Uses everyone, has 0 interest in someone who doesn't apparently have something she can use (money or fame)
    -Won't tell anyone how she feels but expects them to "know", (My Fe polr won't tolerate this at all)
    -Randomly chooses to ignore me, abandon me, and give me the cold shoulder and is appalled when I don't run back to her
    -Will reject people's help if she didn't lie, swindle, or seduce them to get her way
    -Will be jealous of people who work for what they have, unlike her
    -Admittedly hates seeing people happy if she is not
    -The entire friendship gives me the feeling that she wishes I were a lesbian and in love with her, that way she could seduce me and take advantage of me
    -Will pretend she has no money so I'll pay for her
    -When I buy her food or something she needs, she never shows appreciation. She might say thank you once, but quickly makes a habit of becoming entitled to the good treatment. Continues to complain that no one cares about her.
    -I never know where I stand with her and am constantly walking on eggshells to keep her happy
    -Gives the impression that she could care less about our friendship even though it's obvious I am quite literally the only genuine friend she has.
    -Will run off when I try to stand up against her mistreatment then shit-talk me and tell a twisted version of what happened to whoever is willing to listen, one time she painted me as an awful person on social media.

    We are currently on an OFF stage and I've decided to let her go. She is in bad financial shape and deeply in need of someone and I've decided to leave her to the wolves. Why should I, the better friend (not to mention, the Victim), have to chase her?

    My ESFp love (interest?): I'll start this off by saying it has been extremely hard to find a straight, male ESFp. I'm starting to wonder if they even exist...
    -No solid career, no stable income and no concrete plan to have either
    -Easily spends what money he does have on useless things
    -Easily swindled into get rich quick schemes
    -No desire to "be a man" and work or take care of a woman
    -I once told him I was in a bad situation, he showed no concern ("Gotta go, you're being too negative")
    -Is taken care of by and living with his mother
    -Hypersexual Tinder addict whose admittedly slept with close to 200 girls
    -Keeps mentioning transwomen and gay men, being "mistaken" for gay, to the point of suspicion
    -Hard for me to tell when his compliments or anything he says is sincere, because...
    -He is constantly lying about even the smallest things, just for me to catch him in his lies because he never remembers them once they leave his mouth
    -Is also attracted to people with money and fame, leading me to wonder if I will be used for these things or left for someone with more of it
    -Tells me he likes me, has fun with me, but never texts me first or makes plans with me

    With my duals, it's like I'm constantly trying to force them to see the value in me and in our pairing, no matter how much they are benefitting from it.
    The things they value are things I have but refuse to be used for like money. I instead would like to help them make money using their talents and dissuade them from making bad decisions or hanging around the wrong crowd. I do all this expecting nothing in return. And yet, they tend to hurt me more than any other type I have relationships with. And though we have good times together, I end up feeling like I get nothing out of the pairing. They have proven themselves to be selfish, self-serving, and willing to do anything with anyone to meet their needs.
    They don't seem to stand on any moral principles, can't tell which friends or love interests are worth their time and effort, and are constantly using me as an emotional punching bag (or a literal one) if not just stringing me along. It has caused more damage to my trust and self esteem than growth in my opinion. I almost wish I was a different type so I wouldn't have such an awful dual type. No matter how much help you give them, they are a bottomless pit and will have you feeling like you put time and effort in for nothing. Then they happily move on to someone who treats them worse but is more loved and appreciated by them than you were.
    That's your fault for wanting a man to take care of you, stop being useless first.
    Feed me

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    Quote Originally Posted by sbbds View Post
    No lol it’s just being naive about people. Stupidity can be a negative period to get over though so it could be worse.
    Usually there needs to be positives to balance the large number of negatives to make one want to stay in a relationship even with the negatives. But only an idiot doesn't notice negatives in a partner as time goes by. And because people are people, that list will get longer.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilex View Post
    Usually there needs to be positives to balance the large number of negatives to make one want to stay in a relationship even with the negatives. But only an idiot doesn't notice negatives in a partner as time goes by. And because people are people, that list will get longer.
    Sometimes her lipocytes outweigh her personality.. SAD!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilex View Post
    Usually there needs to be positives to balance the large number of negatives to make one want to stay in a relationship even with the negatives. But only an idiot doesn't notice negatives in a partner as time goes by. And because people are people, that list will get longer.
    Right. I don’t really think it can be justified by typology lol.

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    It's not the observation of negatives that is type related, it's how one reacts to them. Either one tries to deal with every single thing by blowing everything up (static-negative-results) behaviour. Or one keeps chipping at the problem piece by piece (Dynamic-negative-process).

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    Let's face it. Some people are just complete shit stains on society. And no matter how much we try to rationalize their BS through a typological lens, it is a massive waste of emotional energy and time.

    Like I can understand exactly why some people treated me poorly from a theoretical personality lens but it still doesn't justify BS. Saying that, OP you should just get away from crap people.
    Last edited by Stance; 09-16-2020 at 09:24 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilex View Post
    It's not the observation of negatives that is type related, it's how one reacts to them. Either one tries to deal with every single thing by blowing everything up (static-negative-results) behaviour. Or one keeps chipping at the problem piece by piece (Dynamic-negative-process).
    Yeah at some point (with the exception of parents—and even then too with them in an emotional sense), it’s time to pack your bags and go. I’m talking about the action of actively giving love as OP put it and staying present in the relationship after MULTIPLE things that should be deal-breakers for regular people have happened. The fact that he/she also seems to conclude that ALL SEEs are this way too is another point to faulty thinking/decision making of the individual. I would imagine that EIEs and SEIs would be wiser with people than this too, so if you’re insistent on pinning typology to it then I’d say it’d only be exacerbated to this state with being a logical type too on top of it. Of course, this person isn’t making very good logical conclusions so it’s hard to know for sure what type they are.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sbbds View Post
    Yeah at some point (with the exception of parents—and even then too with them in an emotional sense), it’s time to pack your bags and go. I’m talking about the action of actively giving love as OP put it and staying present in the relationship. The fact that he/she also seems to conclude that ALL SEEs are this way too is another point to faulty thinking/decision making of the individual. I would imagine that EIEs and SEIs would be wiser with people than this too, so if you’re insistent on pinning typology to it then I’d say it’d only be exacerbated to this state with being a logical type too on top of it. Of course, this person isn’t making very good logical conclusions so it’s hard to know for sure what type they are.
    Well put.

    For INTps it's particularly difficult to leave a difficult situation. With the Ni function they're basically just waiting for things to pass and if they remain in the clutches of the circumstances... the abuse will just continue. They would require some measure of Si to be able to leave on their own.

    Now I'd love to hear the other side of this situation because what INTp interprets as abusive is likely not the intent of the ESFp.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilex View Post
    Well put.

    For INTps it's particularly difficult to leave a difficult situation. With the Ni function they're basically just waiting for things to pass and if they remain in the clutches of the circumstances... the abuse will just continue. They would require some measure of Si to be able to leave on their own.

    Now I'd love to hear the other side of this situation because what INTp interprets as abusive is likely not the intent of the ESFp.
    What I have observed with INTp is that they stay because they want to explore every last nuance before making a definitive choice about someone even if they know on some level, something is wrong. There's an insecurity in knowing whether or not their read on the social situation is accurate, related to POLR Fe I think. If not careful, they can logic and rationalize people's behavior to the extent that they forget to check in with the Fi or their values.

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    Duals become inseparable. It’ would be easier to split an atom
    -
    Dual type (as per tcaudilllg)
    Enneagram 2w1sw(1w9) helps others to live up to their own standards of what a good person is and is very behind the scenes in the process.
    Tritype 1-2-6 stacking sp/sx


    I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE

    Best description of functions:
    http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aaron Something View Post
    That's your fault for wanting a man to take care of you, stop being useless first.
    If that’s all you took from that whole paragraph you’re probably a SEE and failed to read because you like totally got bored.

    ETA: just checked, even worse you’re an IEE. A childlike man who can’t even take care of himself. Dated one and he wanted ME to take care of HIM. So of course you feel that way. Utterly useless, you guys are.Stop projecting!

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    Quote Originally Posted by calm View Post
    If that’s all you took from that whole paragraph you’re probably a SEE and failed to read because you like totally got bored.

    ETA: just checked, even worse you’re an IEE. A childlike man who can’t even take care of himself. Dated one and he wanted ME to take care of HIM. So of course you feel that way. Utterly useless, you guys are.Stop projecting!
    calm is... not very calm
    we’ve been duped bois >:0

    200% terminal retardation
    fully automated vegetable corpse

  25. #25

    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    TIM
    ILI/ INTp
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beautiful sky View Post
    Duals become inseparable. It’ would be easier to split an atom
    I’d spare my parent, but the rest of them can burn in hell. And they probably will, Because they’re all evil. I wish you guys believed me. Any nice side they showed you is completely fake. I’m their dual, they’ve gotten comfortable around me. Comfortable enough to run me over.

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