My core type is 9. It disintegrate into 6.
I have lived in an evironment that told me my thoughts, feelings, actions are all wrong. I grew up having to lie to protect myself from my family. I grew up around friends and their parents who tried molding me into something I'm not with all the best intentions in the world. I grew up like a white board being rewritten over and over again.
I want to love people, but I only feel mistrust and anger at this point, I'm far happier alone... or am I?
I love talking with people and learning about them, getting a glimpse of life through their eyes, but it's been so draining to feel stuck in a role, stuck in some weird loyalty. I have never chosen a person, relationships always felt imposed on me, and I felt ungrateful, because I was called ungrateful, for not liking these people as they deserve, not being nice enough. I second guess myself all the time, maybe I'm just over-reacting, maybe I just have to do an effort, maybe I'm just a terrible person who can't appreciate others' worth...
The problem is that "I" is not part of the relationship, I have zero sense of self, I'm always thinking about what are others thinking, feelings, what they want, and that's what the whole gets build upon, that's what peeps sign for. So, when I try to change the dynamic, people oppose it, it's not what they signed for and that sucks. That's why I grew distant and 5-like, I indulge in stories, knowledges, sweets, superficial comfort, in things that aren't harmful so that no one can get worried about me. People's worry is like a nightmare to me, it makes me anxious and I'll say anything to get them off my case, because under that, the problem is I'm pissed at them, but that's not what they signed for. They signed for the nice, easy going person with a soft smile who listens patiently to them for hours... and I mean hours.
There's only two ways I know how to be, cold and doing anything to keep people away, or an empty mask of niceness.
My whole life has been a disintegration of anxiously wondering about others, trying to keep superficial peace, searching for an authority figure to follow, but deep down being told what to do makes me angry. This superficial peace crap makes me angry. I realize how always thinking about what others are feeling towards me is selfish nonsense and that angers me but I cannot help it. The only people who asked me about what I want were paid to do that and it made me so angry. Am I so worthless I have to pay someone to care about me? and I just numb this thought down because no one signed for this.
I'm not even sure what I want from others so I stay away, who am I to expose people to my indecisiveness and wounds? and this is after listening to many people about their indecisiveness and wounds. My biggest mistake is trying to offer compassion to others when I have none for myself, it's like giving all your food away and starving in front of people eating while smiling and saying you're fine, and this is not even a consious decision, it's forgetfulness. I forget. I just forget over and over again that I too have feelings, needs, wants. How does one stop forgetting? I want to love people, but I keep forgetting I'm a person too.
I do strange things when I'm upset, like cutting my hair or drinking too much water. I have the skills so my hair looks nice but it hurts when I do, it's not physical pain of course, and the next day everyone is talking about my hair, complimenting on the new look and skills, and I just feel miserable under the smile and niceties...
A 9 integrates in a sense of intrinsic value that drives them into action, and disintegrates into forgetfulness that causes mistrust and anxiety, the coping mechanism is narcotisation, the numbing of pain/anger.
It's easy to love others when you have plenty of love for yourself, this love is a great motor for action. I don't have dreams of things or recognition, I dream of an infinite love source and there's only one place to find this: within.