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Thread: Disintegration

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    Farag's Avatar
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    Default Disintegration

    Are you sure about your type and tritype?

    If you are, write them and tell me how did you experience disintegration. Do you disintegrate to another type from your type disintegration point ? Do you disintegrate to one type from your tritype? What is the difference between type health levels and point of disintegration ? Are they the same? And how do you experience disintegration, to be more specific what caused you disintegration ( i.e. instability, other people's demands, etc. ) and how does it happened ( your pattern of thinking about it ).


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    Pretty sure I’m a 5; tritypes are bullshit. Not convinced the Enneagram isn’t either, honestly. But I’ll answer since I can’t sleep anyway.

    When I get stressed or depressed in a certain way I get hedonistic. Eat a lot, drink (non-alcoholic drink) a lot, masturbate a lot, and alternate between shutting myself in and playing an unhealthy amount of strategy games, or becoming more social and losing a great deal of sense of propriety and self. It generally becomes difficult to introspect, and time is harder to notice.
    Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. - Cervantes

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    fka mrrrmaid SaveYourself's Avatar
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    It took me a really long time to figure out my type because of how much I was disintegrating during periods of anxiety and depression. Like when I first came to enneagram I actually typed as a 9 and assumed I occasionally integrated to 3.

    Usually it comes when I am overwhelmed and I realise that I don't have the tools or the prep to do something well, and then I immediately freeze up, isolate and start becoming numb to things. Often the bigger the thing the more I will recoil and just become totally ambivalent to it. Almost like my defense mechanism is like, "if I don't try and fail that's better than trying and failing". So if I perceive that I'm definitely going to fail I'd feel safer if I could blame it on the fact that I didn't care or that I didn't try rather than when I put in all my efforts and measure up as not good enough. I joined this site in the summer that I was supposed to be doing my MA dissertation for example - big deadline that two years of work are resting on? Time to ignore it, pretend everything is fine and get a new super in depth hobby. Can't fail if you don't try

    I find I go through high high peaks and super low troughs in terms of productivity (these are often extended periods so not like on a day by day basic but like month on month or even year by year when my depression was really bad). Either I'm engaged with and attempting EVERYTHING with a determination to be the best or I disassociate completely and lose a sense of identity (but still dream of success and am bitter about not getting it).
    "I take back like half of the exclamation points.....they make me look....eager to please. Which I AM....but I don't want anyone to KNOW that"
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    Socionics is a spook ashlesha's Avatar
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    @mrrrmaid Maybe a 3 could help me see how the heck I disintegrate to 3. My understanding is that it's a hard type in general for people to see themselves in, and has some bad stereotypes. At most I could see online posturing and identity confusion, which y'all would be extremely privy to even tho it's small fries.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ashlesha View Post
    @mrrrmaid Maybe a 3 could help me see how the heck I disintegrate to 3. My understanding is that it's a hard type in general for people to see themselves in, and has some bad stereotypes. At most I could see online posturing and identity confusion, which y'all would be extremely privy to even tho it's small fries.
    I don't know. Maybe it ties in with the mindset "I need to be successful in order to stay on top of the food chain & be secure, since it's a dog-eat-dog world out there." Of course, with a kind of survival mindset behind it.

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    fka mrrrmaid SaveYourself's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ashlesha View Post
    @mrrrmaid Maybe a 3 could help me see how the heck I disintegrate to 3. My understanding is that it's a hard type in general for people to see themselves in, and has some bad stereotypes. At most I could see online posturing and identity confusion, which y'all would be extremely privy to even tho it's small fries.
    Yeah it was a long journey for me to come to three, especially because so much of even the official enneagram literature just focuses on fur coats and rolex watches when they give examples.

    One of my best friends is a 6 and I think he takes a lot of pride in being able to push himself to near exhaustion but still survive. I'm not sure what it is he's seeking or aiming to achieve by doing this (because it's not success or recognition I don't think) but he seems to make the same mistake I do, which is that your value is directly correlated to your output. He actually works harder than any 3 I know, since they often work harder at the illusion of hard work rather than actual hard work. I think he's counterphobic Sx/Sp so he's probably trying to show extreme self-reliance and survival ability.

    I also read somewhere (I think in the Wisdom of Enneagram?) that a typical 6 move is to look outside themselves for answers even if they hate authority so they might become self help junkies or go to a therapist and say, "I have lots of issues with authority. Tell me what to do about it." I do this a lot too so maybe it's another 3/6 cross over at unhealthy levels - I'm always looking for someone to tell me the quick fix to solve my problems so that I can be the best. Every other day I have a new 'hack' that I've learned that I immediately start implementing with ferocity. So much so that it's become a joke where every time I suggest something new my boyfriend is like, "oh god, you've been watching youtube tutorials again, haven't you?" Maybe with 6 it works that as you get more insecure, you feel the need to become more self-reliant as the anxiety / mistrust spirals so you start trying to frantically better yourself through stuff like this?

    The only other thing I could think of it taking a lack of recognition as a reason to fuel anxiety.
    "I take back like half of the exclamation points.....they make me look....eager to please. Which I AM....but I don't want anyone to KNOW that"
    - Carrie Fisher

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    I used to think of myself as a 5w4 because I intellectualize everything, but I have a habit of re-evaluating everything from scratch, even if one little thing doesn't fit and I've come to the realization (rather than conclusion) that I'm a 9; I'm way too sensitive and I'm more motivated by wanting emotional harmony. And 954 tritype does seem to match me pretty well.

    But I'm not sure about what the enneagram says exactly about 9 disintegration, but I do have problems with dissociation. If I get too much conflict or negative energy from people around me, I tend to get despressed and play out my negative emotions in my head and go through all the different emotional ways I could react or respond to everything and then I decide later on without charged emotion what would be best and how I feel then. Most of the time the best solution for me seems to be to let things go so I can better the situation, but disconnect and distant myself emotionally. I actually think this is kind of healthy for me, since I'm rather sensitive and don't have any inherent desire to socialize like most humans seem to, as long as I'm not just being avoidant however. So I guess real disintegration for me is whether or not I'm being avoidant or proactive when I dissociate.
    previously Megadoodoo

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    As a 4, when I disintegrate to 2, I get emotionally needy, clingy, push and pull, hot and cold, with other people. I start being dependent on other people as well as their opinions (or what I think their opinions are) for my sense of self-worth.

    As for integration, I'm not too sure.. because my tritype is 417, and 4 integrates to 1 which integrates to 7.. so it's a bit muddy for me.
    When I'm in a healthier mindset I become quite emotionally stable (relatively ) and emotionally resilient. I stop taking my feelings so seriously, like life-or-death, and I'm able to be more compassionate towards myself. Like: "oh, we feel like shit right now, let's just go each some nuts and chocolate, watch a movie, and go to sleep early tonight, ok? in the morning it'll be a bit better" versus "i hate myself and i want to jump off a cliff. i'm gonna torment myself and cry myself to sleep tonight and i can't wait to have super fucking swollen eyes tomorrow morning you're such an idiot". I also become much more compassionate and tolerant towards others.

    And I'm completely sure of my type.



    Farag, take a look at this : )

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    My core type is 9. It disintegrate into 6.
    I have lived in an evironment that told me my thoughts, feelings, actions are all wrong. I grew up having to lie to protect myself from my family. I grew up around friends and their parents who tried molding me into something I'm not with all the best intentions in the world. I grew up like a white board being rewritten over and over again.
    I want to love people, but I only feel mistrust and anger at this point, I'm far happier alone... or am I?
    I love talking with people and learning about them, getting a glimpse of life through their eyes, but it's been so draining to feel stuck in a role, stuck in some weird loyalty. I have never chosen a person, relationships always felt imposed on me, and I felt ungrateful, because I was called ungrateful, for not liking these people as they deserve, not being nice enough. I second guess myself all the time, maybe I'm just over-reacting, maybe I just have to do an effort, maybe I'm just a terrible person who can't appreciate others' worth...
    The problem is that "I" is not part of the relationship, I have zero sense of self, I'm always thinking about what are others thinking, feelings, what they want, and that's what the whole gets build upon, that's what peeps sign for. So, when I try to change the dynamic, people oppose it, it's not what they signed for and that sucks. That's why I grew distant and 5-like, I indulge in stories, knowledges, sweets, superficial comfort, in things that aren't harmful so that no one can get worried about me. People's worry is like a nightmare to me, it makes me anxious and I'll say anything to get them off my case, because under that, the problem is I'm pissed at them, but that's not what they signed for. They signed for the nice, easy going person with a soft smile who listens patiently to them for hours... and I mean hours.
    There's only two ways I know how to be, cold and doing anything to keep people away, or an empty mask of niceness.
    My whole life has been a disintegration of anxiously wondering about others, trying to keep superficial peace, searching for an authority figure to follow, but deep down being told what to do makes me angry. This superficial peace crap makes me angry. I realize how always thinking about what others are feeling towards me is selfish nonsense and that angers me but I cannot help it. The only people who asked me about what I want were paid to do that and it made me so angry. Am I so worthless I have to pay someone to care about me? and I just numb this thought down because no one signed for this.
    I'm not even sure what I want from others so I stay away, who am I to expose people to my indecisiveness and wounds? and this is after listening to many people about their indecisiveness and wounds. My biggest mistake is trying to offer compassion to others when I have none for myself, it's like giving all your food away and starving in front of people eating while smiling and saying you're fine, and this is not even a consious decision, it's forgetfulness. I forget. I just forget over and over again that I too have feelings, needs, wants. How does one stop forgetting? I want to love people, but I keep forgetting I'm a person too.
    I do strange things when I'm upset, like cutting my hair or drinking too much water. I have the skills so my hair looks nice but it hurts when I do, it's not physical pain of course, and the next day everyone is talking about my hair, complimenting on the new look and skills, and I just feel miserable under the smile and niceties...

    A 9 integrates in a sense of intrinsic value that drives them into action, and disintegrates into forgetfulness that causes mistrust and anxiety, the coping mechanism is narcotisation, the numbing of pain/anger.
    It's easy to love others when you have plenty of love for yourself, this love is a great motor for action. I don't have dreams of things or recognition, I dream of an infinite love source and there's only one place to find this: within.

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