Ironically I think I would have more potential towards what Naranjo and Beatrice Chestnut consider(ed) typical sexual 4 behavior if I were actually healthy, although I’d think I would restrain even if I had such proclivities.
right now I don’t bc I’m realizing now I’ve distrusted certain aspects of my perception my whole life and that it was mistaken. And other issues that kind of culminate in fractured sense of self due to tolerating unfair treatment that hurt me. Not abuse outright. And then recently there was abuse too.
anyways so sometimes you’re so “unhealthy” you kind of become incapable of acting in that way (the chestnut sx 4 profile) and more likely than not end up falling prey to things that damage you further only bc the protective barriers weren’t there to begin with (on a fundamental level you defer to other and don’t trust your perception about certain things - no it’s not just enneagram 6. 6 involves actually being aware of your thoughts and doubting it - not even knowing precisely what they are to begin with is another matter entirely and causes identity diffusion, I think the bad kind). And the unintentional self-harm in the form of self-gaslighting (due to combo of factors, some of which I mentioned) drives the nail in deeper. Someone this damaged has no self esteem to protect or act “drama Queen” at the behest of if you will, or as a protection for it. They have given up to begin with.
I wouldn’t really be capable of that drama Queen thing anyways even if healthy. My personality/essence is something else
anyways yeah
i will say though it severely restricts my ability to counter someone even when they have it wrong/misunderstood and/or are maybe treating me unfairly unintentionally. I don’t have the awareness of what my feelings precisely are in that moment as much as I’m just overwhelmed and feel metaphorically “erased” which can be pretty terrifying sometimes because it seems you don’t matter and will never be heard esp. in moments you need the other person to hear your cries.
and that it then waters down my otherwise pretty natural contra flow tendencies that esp shine with sxso because I can’t “fight back,” like at all. Not from a lack of will.
I think if I were to actually become healthy I would become slightly less innocent and slightly more “unseelie” maybe. I don’t know.
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