First of all, I just wanted you to know that I suffer from depression and I've got a severe case of anhedonia. I've always had a tendency to isolate myself and I no longer enjoy living. But I'm always walking forward and trying to get better.
Sorry for any English mistakes as it isn't my native language.
What do you study or do for a living? How did you come to do that? What do you like or dislike about it? What is or was your favourite school subject and why?
I'm in college and I currently study data science/biotechnology. It combines my two favourite areas, programming and biology. On one end, programming has a fixed set of rules on how it works, with an associated logic to it, this allows me to be creative. This soothes me. On the other end, biology "forces" me to learn "what is" about us, and there isn't necessarily a (known) logic to it. This challenges me. I'm a heavy visual learner, I excel at everything i can see.
What else do you do on a daily basis? What are your interests and hobbies? Why do you do them?
My hobbies are reading, studying, running, writing on my blog, listening to music, playing videogames, doing puzzles, singing, researching about things i like (nutrition, health, psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, biochemistry, movies, books, eastern philosophies, self-improvement...). I would enjoy expressing myself creatively through music production, but I'm always postponing it.
What are your values, and why?
Honesty, education, intelligence/skepticism, transparency, universal compassion, non-judgement, creativity, openness. These qualities in my opinion, are the best to lessen conflict, create understanding and a peaceful environment. I think they describe me and what I look for in others.
Describe your relationships with family and friends. What do you like and dislike about them?
I make friends very easily, but I'm very unstable with people I care about. I'm a good friend, but I become very detached with people I become more intimate with. I don't like social responsibilities (like HAVING to answer texts back, justifying myself to others...) so I keep relationships minimal. I could spent months without talking with my family and not caring about it (and I usually do). I usually cut off people from my life easily. I currently only have my boyfriend, and one long term friend that I very occasionally talk with. (We drifted apart/I tried to cut ties with her due to the only thing we had in common being knowing each other for ages). I look for deeper connections without the need for words, which I found with my boyfriend. I look for someone witty who can make me laugh and take me out of my serious mellow mood. I usually am attracted to extroverts because they can raise the bar on what is socially acceptable and therefore I end up sharing more of myself. I want someone who is able to think for themselves above all else. I don't have conflicts at all. It's all very peaceful except when my intimate ones act ignorant, then I'm usually the one who flips. Conflicts only happen usually with my mother, she's an ESFj. With people I'm not intimate with I'm very polite and friendly and never ever have problems with, it only happens with people I care about - I can be very mean and cruel, cold and selfish. I think my boyfriend is ENFp.
What are your strengths? What do people like about you? What do you like about yourself?
What are your weaknesses? What criticism do you often face from others? What do you dislike about yourself?
Creativity and imagination are (or used to) my biggest strengths. I'm very independent. People like that I'm smart and insightful, I'm always able to give a fresh perspective to others on the rare occasions when I share my thoughts. And I can understand people deeply without them giving me much info. I'm extremely sensitive to my environment so I notice every little thing even if not consciously.
I think I'm a good writer (talking not so much) and have fairly good verbal capabilities. I also think I'm a good listener and very patient with things, but not so much with people.
My weaknesses are probably being cold and selfish, sometimes rude and opportunistic. I can say terrible things to the ones I love. I have poor emotional regulation, and I dislike the fact that I struggle so much to express myself to others. I don't consider myself socially anxious or shy, but I usually get caught up in my own emotions, trying to find the perfect words, trying to convey things in a perfect concise way, etc. I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know how to take my time, I usually only ever talk when I have something to say. I can't keep conversations or entertain people and it feels uncomfortable to play that game.
In what areas of life can you manage well on your own? In what areas of your life would you like help?
I think I can deal with pretty much everything. I'm pretty independent. I would like help though in the social sphere, someone who could facilitate communication and relationships for me.
What goals, aspirations, or plans do you have for the future, and why?
I want to pursue higher education, and work in academic research. I want to live a life of learning. I also dream of living in a different country (maybe north europe or Asia), as my area of study is limited and fairly new where I live. I want to contribute with my knowledge to the betterment of mental health worldwide for example.
What traits do you find endearing that others might dislike? What traits are considered positive/neutral by others but tend to annoy you?
I enjoy unconventional people who are able to break the mold or defy society with courage and without shame. I'm attracted to people who can laugh loudly and be flashy and show me the world isn't paying attention to every little action or mistake I make, and defy my preconceptions about what is wrong or right, for example, I have this particular idea about how to act in a particular situation, I enjoy that someone can behave in a way that I consider completely "wrong" and have the outcome be good, or even better than I could have done myself. It's difficult to explain, but I enjoy surprises like this.
I consider myself pretty "live and let live" so I don't think there are some traits that annoy me that others consider positive/neutral, I can't think of anything right now.
In what situations or times in your life did you feel most fulfilled, and why?
When life is going as planned, I'm ahead of my study lessons, I'm being productive and consistent with my routine. Depression really makes it hard to have a consistent routine, and sleeping and exercising pattern. So for now, when I succeed at these things I feel fulfilled. I'm really just trying to sort my life out.
How do you behave around strangers?
Very politely, aloof, friendly and very reserved. I don't share anything about me and I have no problems making conversation with the person (in a very rudimentary way). I don't let them see my depressed and numb mood, so I'd say I'm a fairly positive, friendly person around strangers. I'm very aloof and sometimes there are times where I get positively surprised when people aren't as formal as me and treat me nicely (duh i get surprised when people act like normal human beings...).
Once I get to know the person better, I get quieter and detached, I hate this about me.
How do you react to conflict? What do you do if somebody insults or attacks you?
When I don't understand where they are coming from (which is usually the case) I usually make fun of the situation, assume a higher perspective and try to show the person that this isn't as serious as the person might think. When I know exactly what they are talking about and get hurt, I lash back very aggressively (verbally).
Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
When I was younger, I was very sensitive to criticism and any emotional reactions to me, so in order to not feel so much I started dissociating and became numb emotionally. I think this is something that I won't be able to ever fix. I can't really feel anything now. Things that can make me paralyzed/stuck: being misunderstood (a failed relationship where I turned cold and detached because I loved him so much really sent me to a downward spiral), consistent failures.
My reaction is usually to block outside interference, isolate myself to try to sort out the problem on my own, researching everything about everything to try to fix what there is to fix. And in the worst case scenario, I try to escape my current state of mind (which is feeling depressed, numb, empty, contracted) by getting high or drunk. I also try to reinvent myself and getting new perspectives (changing hair color, hair cut, appearance and routines...). I'm in the process of fighting these urges.
How do you dress or manage your appearance?
Comfyness always wins. I don't care that much, I just dress whatever but I don't mind taking risks, being flashy or dressing in an unconventional way.
What were you like as a child? How have you changed since then?
Very humorous, eccentric and unconventional, but emotionally numb. I'm the same, but more solitary and friendless. By choice.
How do you feel about attention? Do you seek it out?
No but I don't mind it.
How do you approach responsibility? What do you tend to expect of others?
I expect nothing from others, I usually rely on myself only, I hate to feel or be dependent on others so I take everything upon myself alone.
What was (or is) your high school experience like?
I was bullied in middle school for being ugly af, and for standing up for other bullied kids, bullied for doing the right thing. Kids can be extremely mean. Nothing made sense. My depression started in 7th grade. I retreated into myself, and here is when I started dissociating and purposely numbing my emotions - unfortunately all of them, including joy. I don't hold grudges about this past. Fast forward to puberty and high school, it was extremely peaceful. I started caring more about my appearance and I could say I was lucky, everyone was calm, smart and friendly. I always made the best classes with the best students. High school was a breeze for me.
What is something you regret?
Giving up on myself and on the world. I believe that almost nothing can surprise me anymore, it's like knowing how to play the game and the only thing left is choosing which path to go. I could do anything If I really wanted to, but I dont want to. I also want to believe I'm wrong. I want to want something.
I remember vividly when I was younger I used to sit in bed with my feelings, just imagining and planning how I could fix the troubles that were currently at the time present in my life. I would think and imagine my way out of them, I would plan and decide how to face them and check them out, that would instantly improve my mood. I havent been able to sit with my feelings like that for years. Even if I tried it, I no longer know what is bothering me specifically. I just know that I'm never in a good peaceful mood. And I just want to escape it. I regret ever retreating into videogames and internet and stuffing my brain constantly with distractions and progressively becoming more and more unaware and detached from myself.
What are your political beliefs, and why? To what extent do you care about politics?
I used to hold some right wing ideas concerning the economy, but non conservative. We are asked to treat the world how we want to be treated, to be the change we want to see in the world, even if the world isn't there yet. That's why I started changing my perspectives about liberalism and socialism. I consider myself a progressive liberal/libertarian - guns are just the remainders of our uncivilized self, a cowboy fest that is going in the west and I want no part in it ever. I also don't want my parents to die earlier or lose a leg for me to go to college. Health and Education should be priorities always. I'm glad I don't live in America. I could debate politics forever, but I usually end up restraining myself, like I did just now.
How often do you get angry? What kinds of things make you angry?
I never get angry. At most I snap back aggressively at ignorance, lack of education, people who don't know what they are talking about or are just straight up rude without reason, bullies, etc. I don't stay mad at a person, It would probably take a very bad treason to make me angry at someone. I never had enemies, I don't hold grudges, my social life is minimal and chill. I actually enjoy this part of myself.
What is your sense of humor like? Do you joke around a lot?
Unfortunately I feel rusty about this part of myself. I enjoy smart, dark and offensive humour, but I very rarely joke around now.
Your friend bursts into tears. What do you do? How does it make you feel?
I listen to him very attentively and try to make him see through a higher perspective, maybe suggesting him possible ways to deal with the situation. I know this may sound awful, but it doesn't make me feel much. It doesn't bother me. I'm very out of touch with my feelings unfortunately.
What is the purpose of life? What do you find personally meaningful in life? What are your religious beliefs?
Searching for a holy grail, contributing for a higher cause. I'm still searching for it, maybe life is about this search for me. Meanwhile I try to navigate life by being productive and accumulating knowledge in various fields so I can be a competent member of society, feel at ease with myself, and minimally prepared as the best human I can be, when I find that holy grail. Either that or life is meaningless, but I'm tired of entertaining that idea. This is a very complex question, and I can see myself thinking about this as I write. I prefer to not answer this more extensively than this.
I'm a stubborn atheist.
Thank you so much for reading.
On the big 5 my top two are Openness and Agreeableness, and my lowest are Extroversion and Conscientiousness.
My enneagram results are tritype 459.
In socionics my tests always give NT. I think I lead with an intuitive function but I don't know which. Or maybe you might see something I can't.