Hi Everybody! First post here. Thought I would share my story about my experience with my dual.
After getting my ass handed to me by dear Ausra/Aushra in her LIE/ESI duality manifesto, I decided to apply the sponge method. Take in the ideas worth learning and spit out the ones not worth learning.
I took her bias into account while reading and thought. Wow, this is how an ESI must feel with a very undeveloped person, nevermind an LIE. But, I could see how LIEs unchecked and never socially corrected could devolve into true nightmares.
I'm not claiming to be amazing or perfect. But, I at least acknowledge the profitable and useful aspects of good and respectful communication. All of that because LIE perception seems to be incredibly varied. I thought it was important to dictate what kind I was at least. On to the story!
For the first time, I dated my dual consciously knowing their type. He asked me out and our conversations in the beginning were so strange. He was testing me periodically to check if I remembered what I had said, or if I kept my promises. Once I broke continuity of what I said on purpose and he pointed it out. To which I said, I did that on purpose, I know you're testing me. I guess I was testing his reaction to direct confrontation there, since I wanted to see how he would respond. I ended up giving him the out anyways, it was obvious that level of confrontation was uncomfortable for him.
His aversion to setting clear dates and his preference to ask if I was free on the same day. His aversion to anything sexual until we've established a degree of relations. The classic Dreiser stare. I was able to break his facade and seriousness with my humor. He was always throwing options at me (always welcome imo) and I was always happy to tell him how or what to do (which seemed welcome on his part). He was very adamant about wanting to pursue serious relations, which was fine by me.
Then, he shared that he didn't want romantic relations. That was also no problem to me at all. We've only been on a few dates, no biggie. I also figured as much since his work life became very busy (promotion).
I thought that would be the end of it, but a few days after he really wanted to meet. Until now, he's never tried to convince me one way or another, so I bit and went to meet him. We went out to dinner and he told me that he did want romantic relations, but he didn't have enough time and that he felt guilty. I told him that I was disappointed when he shared he didn't want something romantic with me, but I understood. I then implicitly shared that his issues weren't super problematic for me. (Implicit, because I'm not explicitly giving anybody the green light to disrespect my time) Also even with his cancellations and time issues, they were always with notice and I'm (low key) never mad at flaking in general. I always perceived it as more time given to me. We then proceeded to have some ambiguous conversation that left him feeling like we weren't dating and left me feeling like we were. L o l, he cleared that up for me, we're not. He told me he'd like to be friends and I said okay. (We dated sporadically for 1 month, really no opportunity to develop serious feelings or feel any loss)
This part is my assumption and opinion though. He seems so rigid like he's suffocating over his own rule system. I always (nearly recklessly) feel like nothing can stop me from doing something if I wanted it bad enough and he seems to live in a world where it wouldn't take much to stop him.
tl;dr I think this duality works out more easily if the two parties were introduced at a time before ESI's develop their "in and out" groups. How else do those walls break? You can't! You gotta be in them walls in the first place. Or at least that's how it feels without some external factors forcing interaction.
If you disagree with some of my assumptions or conclusions, please explain why! I'm welcome to having my mind changed if you can do it
I keep reading this and it doesn't sound anything like an ESI.
That could totally be true. It's common to assume duality and I wouldn't consider myself an authority on typing yet
The barrier to most relationships is baggage, not type; type only determines how the baggage may be handled or piled into the space. Type is overshadowed by stuff like upbringing, personal views, education, having been abused, religion, culture, etc. so don't be surprised when duality falls flat......
Look man I'm not going to try and use socionics here because there is very little context to work with here.
It seems like you liked each other, but that there were other circumstances at play, and this led to some misunderstanding about expectations. A bit of different approaches to things and not enough excitement to over power the external considerations.
That sounds about right actually. If I break it down, my reasoning for justifying his type is not the most robust. Kind of embarrassing, but I guess it happens when you think you experienced duality.
You're one of the most me-like LIE whose words I've ever read here.
Originally Posted by aLIEve
I have met ESI who acted like this.
Originally Posted by aLIEve
I read it and it sounds EXACTLY like the three ESI’s I’ve gone out with in the past few years. I ask them out, they initially seem eager to go out, then they postpone dates, they equivocate, they tell me they don’t want to be intimate but rather “just want to be friends”, but are still reluctantly agreeable to going out if I keep asking and asking and asking.
Originally Posted by silke
The last one told me she was separated from her husband but still married “for his health care”. I told her that was a convenient condition to be in if she wanted to keep men at a distance. She laughed and agreed, and I left.
It’s possible to get really tired of this shit and give up on them. Which, when you think about it, is probably the whole point for Fi-doms with strong Se and weak Ni.
If they just operated from their Se, they’d be, like “Huh. Hot guy. Gimme.” It might take a few snow crashes before they learn caution.
The only time I had sex with an ESI was many years ago, before my marriage and long before I knew anything about Duality. We first met on the street while we were both walking home from separate bars, each of us drunk out of our minds. We went from walking down the same street to having sex within twenty minutes. Maybe fifteen. We kept having sex all the next day, and talking, even when we sobered up. I’d never before met a woman that I got along with so well.* But I was 26 and she was about 22, maybe too young for her to start dividing the world into friends and enemies.
*You know, lots of new things are happening to you in your twenties. You discover something that you think is great and say “Wow, I’m glad I discovered this. Now I can get it from anyone.”
Last edited by Adam Strange; 01-28-2021 at 01:39 PM.
If I was in your shoes, I'd want to ask to go meet the legal but not in spirit husband together to get it clear that we were all three on the up and up, and then I'd date the shit out of the ESI.
Originally Posted by Adam Strange
Originally Posted by Adam Strange
I know that feel.