Thanks in advance for reading and for the thoughts.

What do you study or do for a living? How did you come to do that? What do you like or dislike about it?
Looking back on it… I recall as a kid I was more grounded and practical than most… I do not recall having delusions of one day becoming a pro athlete or a famous singer, I suppose I gravitated toward something I thought would give me more long-term financial stability and that I was actually good at. I was naturally good at sciences, enjoyed school, and excelled easily, which helped… I was also decent at creating my own schedule, from 2-3 when I got home, I would relax, and from 3-5 I would do homework… so from there, it was just one thing leading to another and I ended up in a technical field. Shocker.

One major thing I dislike is having to deal with other people’s expectations, to move on their time schedule. Forgive me as I ramble… I perform best in a peculiar way, and that is on my own time – I know when I am mentally capable to do a particular task, and when I am pushed to work on someone else’s schedule, it stresses me out. I think most people learn in small chunks… they learn a detail, then another detail, and keep building on it in pieces, but unfortunately I tend to need this “ah ha” moment to consolidate and it is difficult to force that to happen when other people want it to. I wish I could.

As far as what I like… I truly do enjoy science and technology, I like academics.

What else do you do on a daily basis? What are your interests and hobbies? Why do you do them?
I work, I eat and then I sleep. Seriously… fine. I enjoy playing video games, playing board games with friends. I enjoy reading fiction, mainly fantasy. I like certain games for the same reason I used to read a lot of books – fantasy worlds, where I can have the POV of another person, another setting, can be whatever you want without boundaries. I also like stories with well-developed characters, to see how they change over the story, how they interact with each other.

In some ways, a replacement for real life.

As for what I prefer doing with friends, I am low-key… clubs, loud noises, concerts and parties tend to not be my thing. I prefer small groups, home or restaurant setting.

What are your values, and why?
Stay out of my business and I will stay out of yours.
I say this facetiously, but there is always some truth in humor… I value my time, my belongings, my boundaries, my own mental space and peace…

Describe your relationships with family and friends. What do you like and dislike about them?
Good timing for this question, just had a disagreement with family. My mother and I used to be quite close… over the last few years, this closeness gradually waned, to the point where we spend more time screaming at each other than not. The dynamic was different when I was younger, I suppose… one issue I take is the constant need to categorize things as good or bad. It’s one thing to say you dislike something, or do not relate to it well… There is also a lot of pushing to do this, or that (after I said I still have not gotten my schedule for my vacation, “you should escalate and ask your manager!” when I just wanted to continue to wait and see what happens… then I react with guilt, maybe I am too passive, and build resentment because I now have to deal with said guilt, which destroys the mental peace… though I know it is my problem, I find it still makes it painful to interact with her for this reason…)

Friends. Well, most of my friends are from work, and as such, are generally nerds who share similar interests. We would all prefer playing a board game with a good beer than going out to some loud party where you have to scream to hear anything anyone is saying. I think I am not as close with my friends as I would like, I wish there was less psychological distance.

What do you look for in friends? In romantic relationships?
Similar interests and long term goals, mainly… I think romance should start with strong friendship, so… friends with benefits. Like tax breaks.
I do not understand couples that do not have similar values, that do not agree with where they want their relationship to go long-term… One of my friends just got married and he and his wife are trying to buy a house, the problem is, they disagree on what features it should have. Of course, people can disagree, let’s say hypothetically they wanted children, perhaps one thinks it is more important for the children to have a backyard to run in rather than a playroom but if there was a consensus about what is actually wanted for the future, how they want their kids to be brought up… they should be able to decide as a unit.

It is difficult for me to say more… I think of my current friends, and I think of the good times with them, but I am comparing them to some kind of ideal, like wow, that is my *friend* and I think there is something missing.

What conflicts have you encountered recently with other people? Why did they happen? Which kinds seem to happen on a regular basis?
Please see passage about family, above. At work, I have had people challenge me and ask for my sources, specific step by step thought processes… I do have a bit of a tendency to just talk off the cuff, in approximations and generalizations, sometimes even straight making shit up, so when I get called out on those kinds of things it freezes me in my tracks. It does not help that my thinking style is sort of that ah-ha, gestalt I mentioned above… I suppose it is casual and not careful enough, but it is tough for me to be so structured. After the fact, I realize, wow, what the fuck, did I seriously say that there have been thoughts maybe we could use that for crime victims, no, there are no studies about that, how did I even… and I realize it was because I had someone’s attention, they seemed to find me interesting, and there was also an awkward emotional overlay, like “I have an interesting thing to say! Please talk to me! I want you to like me!” I get embarrassed afterward, that I let myself lose control.

What are your strengths? What do people like about you? What do you like about yourself?
I don’t know… I really do not. I suppose I excel academically and at work… I am a good standardized test-taker, that can get you far in and of itself. This was something I thought about earlier, actually, again, forgive the rambles… while reading these Socionics profiles of all the types, you really get the sense that X type excels in this, and Y in this… all the types have a social role to fill. I suppose I am good at many things, or have the potential to be, but part of me really wants to feel I am in the right place, doing what I am good at and what I was meant for.

I do not know what people like about me, I never asked, and it is difficult for me to guess how others see me. Probably as an irredeemable socially awkward dork.

What are your weaknesses? What criticism do you often face from others? What do you dislike about yourself?
I am told I am not direct enough, that I mess around with riddles… but… I think I want people to force me out of my shell, I think I have said that before. Sort of… make me commit? Does that make sense?

I get emotional during times of stress… I have difficulty with things that are fast paced, I need to move on my own time… I honestly do not like how I can be a leaf floating in the wind sometimes.

In what areas of life can you manage well on your own? In what areas of your life would you like help?
I think I can manage well in most areas of life, where I think I need help is perhaps feeling a place of belonging with other people.

What things do you dislike doing? What things do you enjoy more than others?
I dislike loud parties. lol

What goals, aspirations, or plans do you have for the future, and why?
I recall, back when I was opening up a new checking account a long time back, the woman who was helping me said “One must always have goals, if not, you have no direction and just live aimlessly.” First off, I thought it was a bit bold for some random person to say that to me, I guess my unkempt appearance invited the “advice.” But, aside from that, I realized… holy shit, I don’t really have goals. I just… go with the flow. Not to say I do not get work done by the due date, or what have you, it’s just not internally driven.

I wish I had that mindset – decide on something, have it sitting above your desk – BUY A HOUSE IN A YEAR, and then… just do it. But to me, things change over time… I cannot predict the future, or how I will change, how my circumstances will change, and to be so stuck over one particular goal, and then feel like a failure if it does not work out… it is not me.

If you won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore, what would you do?
I would probably still work, I think I need the mental exercise. I would not take it so seriously, which would be freeing – who cares if I mess up, whatever, fire me, or not, I don’t need you anymore, though knowing myself I would probably still perform to high standards just because it is who I am.

Eventually, I’d probably take more time off, or consider part time. I think, first off, I would probably do some financial housekeeping – pay off the debt, invest in some stocks, upgrade my disability plan… things of that nature. Planning for the future is always a good thing, and best not to blow it on stupid shit. I think… I would like to get into real estate, on the side, just for fun. At one point, I wanted to start a non-profit that basically donated computers to poorer people, given how important access to technology is… I’d have to look into that again.

Also for fun, is just randomly giving a shitload of money to a good waiter as a tip, or a bunch of cash to someone asking for money on the side of the road.

What traits do you find endearing that others might dislike? What traits are considered positive/neutral by others but tend to annoy you?
I dislike people that are immune to… talking casually and openly. I do not like a lot of pomp and circumstance… I was about to say “too much reality” here, but I realized it might be taken a way I do not mean. Reality is that ideals and feelings do not pay the bills, and that stuff is fine, I think it is more so… black and white thinking, categorization, placing things into nice little bins, and this is it, this is how it is.

What kinds of things do you do to manage and/or beautify your environment (your room, your house, etc.)?
Clean it. It needs to be sanitary, dirty bathrooms and kitchens stress me out. There is a distinction between dirty and messy. I have particular family members that say their mood is wrong or off when things around them are too messy… I don’t usually notice, honestly. I notice when, for example, I need to find some paperwork I misplaced and waste a lot of energy and time going through messes, then it hits me how stupid it is to live like this, but not because… of some voodoo that it affects my mood. It certainly would not fit under “beautify.”

In what situations or times in your life did you feel most fulfilled, and why?
I feel happy when I can connect with people… learn things I never knew about others… that others are going through the same things I am, that we can talk about things openly and support each other.

How do you behave around strangers?
Stupid. There is something in my mind that tricks me into acting stupid and helpless, childlike and clueless, though I am really none of these things. I think I do so to avoid attention.

How do you react to conflict? What do you do if somebody insults or attacks you?
Leave. If I am close to the person causing the conflict, usually, I know their boundaries, what they are capable of, and they know mine, so we can have it out… but with strangers, since I do not know these things, they are unpredictable, I will avoid conflict and walk away.

Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
Not… really, or perhaps that is not the word I would use to describe it. I have been depressed, or in low moods (I probably have some degree of mild bipolar or cyclothymia, I have problems with consistency of mood, sometimes super energetic and ready to tackle this project or that, and then a few hours or days later, wondering where that energy went).

Would you ever be interested in starting a business? Why or why not? What role would you play in it? What kind of business would it be?
Probably not, unless it was a side hobby (see lottery question). The amount of work one must put in a business, and the risk that one takes if it is not worked on enough, I do not think that would be for me… I do not think I could stick to one idea or feel strongly enough about it to really take that kind of action and keep it going. I suppose I could keep talking about this, as in, if in theory you did it anyway… I think I would like to be the one hiring and interviewing people. I like the idea of finding a diamond in the rough, of having employees I really would look out for, and they would look out for my business, too, because they would be happy to work there. I am not sure if I would be any good at this, in reality, but that is what I wish I could do.

How do you dress or manage your appearance?
People pick on my appearance a fair amount… Yes, I admit I dress like a low-key slob. I do not pay that much attention to my appearance – I will do the minimum to look acceptable… When I go shopping, I will look for tops and pants that look good and are comfortable without much thought (ie, not things that I need to accessorize – throw it on and leave).

What were you like as a child? How have you changed since then?
I think I went into this above… I was a shy, nerdy, quiet kid, often seen as the know-it-all. I do not remember throwing it in other kids’ faces, preferring to melt into the background, but somehow I got the reputation anyway. I recall always feeling awkward in my own body, while the other kids were into cute guys and cute girls, and trying to be popular, where I would sometimes seriously hide under the bleachers. At one point, I think I wore the same shirt and pants for about two months straight. I had imaginary friends until I was… too old. I would probably be labeled high functioning autism if I grew up now. I do not have bad social skills really, in present day – people I have admitted this to are often surprised about that history.

I think… one thing that stands out, was I hated being coerced to do things I did not want to do. I recall at a family gathering once, I was maybe 11 or 12, my mother told me to be good and appropriate and to mind my p’s and q’s, wear these clothes, put makeup on, and I blew up. For all the crap about family being important and family always being there for you, if I need to put on an act for said family to like me, forget it. I was told I was being stubborn and intentionally refused to be feminine just to prove I was tough. I remember feeling incredibly hurt… I was simply not feminine, and felt I was being forced into something I was not for a reason I did not understand. I was a kid, and had difficulty explaining this, so it was just blown off as me being a brat.

Do you like kids? Why or why not?
Not young kids. I do it, because it is expected, to smile and say how beautiful/cute kids are but to do so, I have to pretend I am an actor, I literally have to transform into someone else in my mental space. Maybe later elementary school, when you can teach them, and begin to introduce new ideas, when they are beginning to be able to understand abstractions.