Originally Posted by Emily
Does having a primarily secure attachment style cover "a multitude of sins" in a relationship, such as not being an ideal intertype relation? Just how significant is a secure attachment style, in your view? More powerful than duality? Or does it vary person to person?
I'm curious to hear any of your experiences with duality/insecurely attached individuals vs. non-duality/securely attached individuals. Or just words of wisdom...
It's on my mind after having several electrifying dates with an SLE-Ti. I'm 34, and prior to him have had no experience dating my dual. While I knew beyond doubt he was my dual, I also recognized quickly that he was not in a healthy place emotionally and had not done much work around his attachment style (fearful avoidant I'm guessing) or core wounds from family. It's not surprising that an SLE wouldn't have put in as much emotional/intuitive/healing work into themselves as an IEI by now, but I could see that he was rather volatile and unnecessarily combative, which didn't create feelings of safety in me. I knew I had to walk before getting too heavily invested. It was difficult (putting it mildly), because it's rare for me to feel such a strong connection to someone on all levels.
By contrast, I've had dates with non-duals, like a current SEI (who is very sweet) where I instantly feel safe, seen, valued, etc. He doesn't take offense or fly off the handle over small things. He doesn't take things personally.
Basically, he's Secure. And these people are such a breath of fresh air to me. A sigh of relief. It's a feeling I KNOW I want to have in my next relationship.
However, while I feel great peace and stability and self-worth with this SEI, I also don't feel particularly energized or drawn to him the way I do my dual. And I don't mean I need that "living-on-the-edge" adrenaline rush that unhealthy relationships tend to have. I mean what's missing is the Beta value of joining forces around a specific mission, of building a vision together that will propel us both forward. It feels like that would leave me unsatisfied/held back in the long run, though it feels peaceful now.
So it's a bit of a quandary for me. Do I just keep praying I'll one day meet that unicorn, an emotionally healthy, Secure SLE who happens to share my core beliefs? Haha, even typing that made me chuckle.
(As a side note, my longest-lasting friendships have mostly been with people I identify as Secure attachment--and a couple Fearful Avoidants--even if they're in the opposing quadra. Whereas I've had quick fallouts with same-quadra folks where our attachment styles triggered each other).