ESI/LIE Conversations

[Adam Strange]

That's a bit of a potential red flag…is she a pessimistic person overall? Is this her pattern in life, or does it seem more specific to you guys' relationship?

I'd say that she's a negativist, in the sense that she sees every glass as being half-empty and every person as potentially a problem. I don't think I'd call her a pessimist, though. She seems pretty excited to be going into social work, and often she's said that she's excited to start working (each day) with me. So she does look forward to things.

I meant something more along the lines of...when there is an ugly truth in life, does she accept it, being honest with herself? If someone is that way, they tend to readily and easily admit to their own shortcomings. They're aware of their own flaws and they don't beat themselves up over them, they admit it when they're wrong and take responsibility. In a hypothetical scenario that someone was cheating on them, they'd rather know than stay unaware just to avoid the pain. These kinds of people also don't tend to agonize over these truths too much (not that they aren't at times hurt by them), and that is part of why they're able to accept them more easily than some other people in the world. (Some do agonize over it a bit more but still accept everything easily, but that's less common, and usually those kinds of people demonstrate what can almost seem like emotional masochism in other areas also.)

Yes, she seems to be fine with accepting ugly truths.

She told me that her last GF brought up the idea of being in a threesome, which she immediately hated but then cautiously accepted and then found that she couldn't stand it and saw it as cheating and left her because of that. She was amazingly hurt and pissed off at her ex-GF for a while, but they had been together for a couple years and the woman was probably either an LSI or an IEE, I couldn't tell which from a picture, so she was heading into the wind in that relationship anyway.

I'm not sure what her thought process was in reviewing that relationship, but I think it was mostly "the other person did wrong", rather than "we just weren't meant for each other, but we'd be great with other people".

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

I'd say that she's a negativist, in the sense that she sees every glass as being half-empty and every person as potentially a problem. I don't think I'd call her a pessimist, though. She seems pretty excited to be going into social work, and often she's said that she's excited to start working (each day) with me. So she does look forward to things.

I see. So, probably just someone who should try to make a point to acknowledge the positives in others more, rather than a red flag. We all have things we could improve in. Does it ever actually bother you that she points out mostly negative things? I could see it having the potential to cause someone to feel “never good enough” for her or something, if she takes it too far.

Yes, she seems to be fine with accepting ugly truths.

She told me that her last GF brought up the idea of being in a threesome, which she immediately hated but then cautiously accepted and then found that she couldn't stand it and saw it as cheating and left her because of that. She was amazingly hurt and pissed off at her ex-GF for a while, but they had been together for a couple years and the woman was probably either an LSI or an IEE, I couldn't tell which from a picture, so she was heading into the wind in that relationship anyway.

I'm not sure what her thought process was in reviewing that relationship, but I think it was mostly "the other person did wrong", rather than "we just weren't meant for each other, but we'd be great with other people".

One more question I need answered before I can share what I'm thinking — why exactly did her comment seem insensitive to you? Was it something to do with it being a real possibility for you to live a life like that guy's? Was it her blunt phrasing? Something else?

[Adam Strange]

I see. So, probably just someone who should try to make a point to acknowledge the positives in others more, rather than a red flag. We all have things we could improve in. Does it ever actually bother you that she points out mostly negative things? I could see it having the potential to cause someone to feel “never good enough” for her or something, if she takes it too far.

Honestly, I never noticed her lack of praise until I started thinking about it in response to your question. I think that I get most of my positives from just seeing her be happy around me. I don't need her to tell me I'm great, because she's showing it by just showing up.
And her criticisms are actually helpful because they are things which I didn't notice but which can be either fixed or worked around with proper action. They don't bother me at all.
All my life, I've known that I'm impervious to most people's criticism. I thought that was due to being an LIE whose plans often step on other people's toes and if the plan is to go forward, you have to expect some criticism and not be swayed by it, and that might be a side benefit, but the basic reason might be that I'm a Dual to ESIs.

One more question I need answered before I can share what I'm thinking — why exactly did her comment seem insensitive to you? Was it something to do with it being a real possibility for you to live a life like that guy's? Was it her blunt phrasing? Something else?

I do have a real fear of being alone for the rest of my life. It's not as great a fear as spending my life with the wrong person, but it's there.
I thought her comment was insensitive because she should be able to see that I'm working on the problem and she doesn't need to point it out, but then, I'm discovering by working with other ESIs that their priorities are immediate and mine are more future-convoluted.

It also made me wonder why she would say something so insensitive, and that led me to suspect that her motives might be selfish.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

Honestly, I never noticed her lack of praise until I started thinking about it in response to your question. I think that I get most of my positives from just seeing her be happy around me. I don't need her to tell me I'm great, because she's showing it by just showing up.

The bolded — is that something you tend to think about those who show up around you, or are you saying that because you know how she personally expresses things?

And her criticisms are actually helpful because they are things which I didn't notice but which can be either fixed or worked around with proper action. They don't bother me at all.

That's good, then.

All my life, I've known that I'm impervious to most people's criticism.

Is that true of things like false accusations (whether they're based on lies or assumptions) also? Especially in an environment where there may be social repercussions. If so, why do you think those don't get under your skin?

I do have a real fear of being alone for the rest of my life. It's not as great a fear as spending my life with the wrong person, but it's there.

Is she aware of that?

I thought her comment was insensitive because she should be able to see that I'm working on the problem and she doesn't need to point it out

I see. I'm a bit confused, tbh. I was under the impression that you stated why you didn't want to go live there, and then she pretty much did the equivalent of replying, "Yeah, you definitely don't want that."

It also made me wonder why she would say something so insensitive, and that led me to suspect that her motives might be selfish.

Her motives in having involvement with you, you mean?

[Adam Strange]

The bolded — is that something you tend to think about those who show up around you, or are you saying that because you know how she personally expresses things?

I believe that actions speak louder than words. People can promise to show up, but not everyone does.

That's good, then.

Is that true of things like false accusations (whether they're based on lies or assumptions) also? Especially in an environment where there may be social repercussions. If so, why do you think those don't get under your skin?

False accusations usually don't bother me at all. I just consider the source. If their opinion matters to me, then I'll try to change their mind. If it doesn't, then I ignore them.
If I'm accused of something ludicrous, then I just let everyone see their accusation, and most people will be able to make up their own minds about what is what. If they can't, then they are morons and don't matter.

I don't know why criticism doesn't bother me. Maybe because I've thought out why I do what I do and I'm OK with that, the good and the bad parts, so they aren't telling me anything that I haven't already thought about. Maybe because I have 1D Fi and I have trouble setting values on anything, including other people and their opinions.

What I will say is that I try to short-circuit criticism if I think it's going to inconvenience me or if it will make my goals harder to achieve. I can be positively political then.

Is she aware of that?

Probably, but she hasn't adjusted all her opinions to my facts yet. For example, I think she assumes that the reason I like her is because I want to have sex with her (she does have an objectively great body), when in truth, I like her because of the way she makes me feel and because of her real assistance. If she wanted to have kids, then I'd want to have sex with her. Lol.

I see. I'm a bit confused, tbh. I was under the impression that you stated why you didn't want to go live there, and then she pretty much did the equivalent of replying, "Yeah, you definitely don't want that."

Her reply wasn't exactly the equivalent of that.

Her motives in having involvement with you, you mean?

Yes. I could be reading something into her actions which isn't there, though. More data is needed.