Member Questionnaire 1 (zelonyr)What is beauty? What is love?
The word beauty in itself is quite subjective in some cases, but if we are talking strictly about the basic dictionary definition "beauty" is having a pleasing or aesthetic quality as perceived by the person involved. Beauty can also manifest in nature through symmetry and regularity. Human beauty is also quite dependent on these qualities though I think due to societal and cultural values a few factors like fashion sense, personality and also current society values also determine beauty.What are your most important values?
Love is the same way, in the end we just ascribe words to things we see or think about. But the problem with these kinds of words is that these words are dependent on human values and subjective factors, unlike say, math definition of what a point is. But in general, love is a mostly positive affection of a person towards another person or thing.
I don't think I actually have a value that I strictly follow, but I tend to appreciate knowledge and competency in intellectual matters and I also unconsciously gravitate towards improving these in myself. I take pride in having the ability to think and learn for myself and I also prefer talking with people who have their own views and get their own decision from their own mind and not just following the crowd. I think I care about this because people in groups tend to compromise on what they know specially in groups and I think a lot of truths get twisted due to personal and group values. I also tend to be more open-minded of new ideas (not necessarily people). I love new insights. I also appreciate aesthetic things sometimes.Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?
None. But I understand how religion gave a lot of contribution to the growth of arts throughout history. I am also quite interested learning about them (I'm kinda studying demonology these days) as they are quite interesting. But in the end I don't really subscribe to a higher being. If there is one, I think that god is smart enough to actually let people think for themselves and lead their lives in their own way, and if not, I don't think that's a god worth respecting to be honest.Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?
I don't really care about these things, they are only interesting when I read about them. I think war is inevitable most of the time however, due to multiple values that are sometimes cannot be compromised. I don't care about having power over other people, but I do care about having power over my thoughts and the external nonhuman environment, which I quite struggle with (I lose a lot of things, I cannot fix my schedule sometimes, etc.)What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?
About topics I like, like psychology and philosophy. I wish someone would talk to me about mathematics however. I also enjoyed talking to someone about his thoughts and feelings. I enjoy those things when it's just one-on-one. I have a lot of interests and they change quite often. But I mostly just read. I read anything. I love learning things I don't know yet, so that I can relate it to other things that I already know.Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?
Kinda, I want to learn more about it. Maybe stumbling into a health book or article would come in the future. I want to learn more about it because I want to pay attention to my health more. I'm really shit at that.What do you think of daily chores?
I don't really care about it. I hate it most of the time too. I cannot imagine someone even enjoying these things more than any kind of pursuit like maybe reading or playing games?Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome.
I like any book as long as I can get insight from it, but I am more interested reading books that are non-fiction and more about psych, science, etc. I also enjoy self-help books, but normally I skip the anecdotal parts of those books (I wonder why those books prove the validity of the advice through anecdotes, weird) and just focus on the idea than the author presents because it leads me to new understanding somehow. I love art house, fictional films however. Those experimental kinds of films. There is an originality and freshness in idea in most of them which I like. Also documentaries about interesting stuff like paintings.What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?
I cry a lot because I can't seem to find where I belong. I like a lot of things and I want to study all of them to make my own understanding of life but sadly that is not how you do academics in schools. I also get bored in work a lot. I also cry a lot because I always try to belong in the social group but deep inside I don't get the point of it. I feel that my time is wasted all the time.Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?
I smile when I get those eureka moments. I just love new insights so much. I also enjoy learning life in general. Like for example I read this book about Ikigai (loosely translated as reason for living but has a lot of nuance to it) and it just made me at peace reading about the idea that we are just one dot in the universe, and having ikigai is joining the flow of the universe while having an indestructible self. By being able to accept life as it comes, not adhering to any external motivation like money or praise, and not defining yourself and what you should do, is how you relinquish your "sense of self" and actually experience yourself and experience life. The book said people with ikigai wake up and do the specific things they like because they want to do it, their life naturally navigated through it. They don't have to search for their calling or make time for it, schedule their time around it because those things are their "life". I could explain more but that idea actually made me smile and somehow cry on the inside. Firstly, it's because the idea is very insightful. Second, I guess it just resonated with me a lot because I tend to compromise a lot for other people because for one I am already weird enough and second I am not getting any younger and I am being pushed by people to be stable or at least know my life's direction. I know what it is, I just love reading and researching and learning about things. But every time I say that most of the time they would tell me that's more of a hobby, or maybe I should be more specific about what I want to learn.
I feel at one with the environment when I am alone with my thoughts, or sometimes maybe talking to one person I care about. But most of the time it's the former. I don't feel a sense of belonging with other people most of the time. I am most myself when I am alone and doing things I enjoy (which are mostly done alone).What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?
My family says I am very weak when it comes to organizing my environment and taking care of my health. They also say I look like I don't like people, get pissed easily and can't focus on one career. My friends say I am very forgetful. Sometimes they say I looked shy upon first meeting too. I agree with all mentioned except me being shy. I hate those things about myself too. I should also add that I dislike how I conduct myself with other people. I feel weird.What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?
They say I am intelligent, that I know a lot of things and that I can master anything if I just want to. I like that I love thinking for myself and that I love learning and solving things.In what areas of your life would you like help?
I would like someone to fix my health and cook me healthy food. I also would like help in organizing my place and remind me of things that I forget. I basically want a maid or assistant.Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
Yes. When I am in a class and I am not learning anything insightful. When I am with people and they talk about dramatic stuff.What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?
When they don't make sense, when they are kinda slow in doing things, and when they are too focused on small details that are not really that important in doing the work or solving the problem. Also when they don't spell well sometimes but I can understand it. I also don't like it when they ask things that can easily be searchable in google. The worst is when someone wants to control people or be "powerful", specially when that person is more stupid than me.How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?
I want to be in a romantic relationship wherein we would mostly just focus on each other, learn and solve the unknown together, help one another in solving our personal problems, stay reading in one room without talking and basically just be together for life that we know each other more than how people know us. But I what I hate the most about romance is my infantile perspective of it. Like, being with someone that is very intimate like I mentioned would kill me if it happens and just one day be gone. Some people might dwell on it for years and years on end but in my case I would probably just kill myself so that I won't feel the bad feelings. I don't like bad feelings. I like things to just be happy. I also hate it when people talk about sentimental stuff and how "life must go on". No? Life shouldn't. "Your heart expands the more you love." No? It won't expand anymore because I would have killed myself before then? "People come and go but the great ones stay in your heart forever." But why do they leave? Why even leave? Just so that I would feel dead and be hurt every time I remember? Do you think I want drama and sad stuff I can share with my friends through a song or something?If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?
I really can't deal with negative feelings. I am so emotionally stunted. I don't like the idea that there is this one great person in your lifetime and that person leaves or dies, and you'll find another. But that you will still feel love towards that person. But it's okay because the more you love the more you learn and the more you can learn how to love this new person, or in some cases love is different every time you feel it, and that you cannot compare your love to that person and this new person. NO? Love is FUCKING THE SAME and now you blew the first one, might as well suffer for eternity or just kill yourself.
This is probably why I don't like being close with people. I like bullshitting them with the fun stuff, sometimes in chat I act affectionate but my "heart" is disconnected from my body.
By the way, aside from the other things mentioned I also prefer an intelligent partner who thinks for himself but is probably more focused than I am to balance me out. Also probably someone who is better in taking care of himself and can teach me how to do that.
My main concern is the responsibility that comes with it. There are a lot of things to consider before even having a child. You have to know that you can take care of that child financially and whatever that child does in the future you should have a separate account to help him/her when he falls off in life. But if I would raise a child I would make sure that he is not a sheep and he is a well-learned individual who can form his own opinions of things. Bonus if he actually corrects my faulty thinking in the future. I would also make sure that he'll be my friend and that we can do a lot of fun activities together with the family. I'll make sure that he can talk to me about anything and we'll have great discussions every dinner time or something. Also he's free to do whatever he wants, I'll try to impart some of my experiences but in the end I'll let him be himself. Also bonus if I get to raise a child who is not an asshole. But he'll probably learn people skills from other people not from me. HahA friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction?
I would try to figure out first if his thinking is stupid, or if he has a reasoning why that's the case. But in general I won't really care. I'll ask that friend questions so that I'll figure out how he thinks that way. If his reasoning doesn't make sense I won't correct him but I would probably think that he is stupid. But nothing else, I think.Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.
I just don't know how to act around others. I behave fine I guess but I just wish I could remove all the personal and emotional aspects of it. My main social problem is that spending time with them interferes with my interests. I get why I have to join them and be friendly and be among people and I strive to do all those things but it's not very fun after a while. I guess I just prefer being alone most of the time or being with one person. I also dislike parties and loud merrymaking but apparently society needs to have that. I do agree that together, we can all help one another in solving our society's problems and break its limitations. Some great feats of humankind came from collective work.How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?
I just let the first people who talk to me in my circle. I am not very picky. I mainly focus on what they like, I enjoy asking people about what interests them (as I get quite uncomfortable talking about mine, I mean I don't really think a lot of people enjoy talking about demons or me planning to learn Latin or choosing different kinds of tea, do they?). I also enjoy hanging out with them, trying new foods or just doing fun stuff.How do you behave around strangers?
I can be talkative if the opportunity arises. I sometimes enjoy small talk. I just act as how I would act with friends. But some people tell me I can act snobby sometimes. I don't think I am.