Serious Left-Static Negativist
Stories about good marriages that are bad Intertype relations
I would like to hear if you know of good marriages that are good in spite of being less-good Intertype Relations, and what you think keeps them healthy and strong.
So I will begin by telling I think it takes, and give one example of such a marriage. But I would like to hear other opinions too.
I am happy to be in a dual marriage, a second marriage. We celebrated five years this spring, and we are both blessed by this gift that followed divorces and the difficulties and the loneliness of single parenting.
It seemed at first to me that I had some kind of unfair advantage being in a dual relationship. I mean, most everyone wants a good relationship, so why should I be so fortunate? Well, one thing is: to those whom much is given, much is expected. But also, I have realized there is one thing that is more important to marriage happiness than great intertype relations. And this makes it more fair, because we aren't all in Dual marriages! That is, that you both love God more than each other. With God, miraculous graces can supercede Socionics Intertype (and other) realities, such as in relations where one, just by being him/herself, is constantly oppressing or invalidating the other.
I think commitment, faithfulness and integrity has to be in there. And if one is living striving to please God, then that's a part of the package. But also, I think that becoming whole is an extremely important thing to bring into a relationship. (Or, this should be your goal before deciding to leave an unhappy, yet safe marriage). I believe you cannot be made whole without the help of God. It takes a miracle, because we are all broken. But Jesus makes hearts whole.
Without God there will always be ayawning emptiness*, that no relationship can fill it. To expect your spouse to fill it is asking the impossible. So we must seek God, who says, "If you seek me, you will find me." That is a God's promise, and God always keeps his promises.
Also if you ask for help and wisdom, He will give it. Always. And little else is as important as to ask His help with as finding the right spouse. I wish I had done that the first time around. But if you picked the less than ideal person, like a poor intertype relations, there is hope because God is great and He can work with cracked pots.
So, I am thinking about a friend's relationship, she SEI, he LSE - he Supervises her.
I have seen the little sufferings my SEI friend continually undergoes as they are simply each just being themselves. She receives a regular outpouring of the usual Supervisor's invalidations.
An example is SEI's like to help. And these two have completely different approaches to what makes a home homey. She likes lots of bits of unrelated sentimental stuff. He likes sleek, super-organized, leaning toward modern-minimalist. Perfect surfaces. Everything away. She likes her tchotchke out, with it's variety visible at every turn.
He is a carefully and systematically painted the kitchen, and she of course wanted to take part and help - so he assigned her the wall that the refrigerator would stand against! (I like to compliment her on the great job she did on that wall!) He did (by himself) a sleek remodel in granite and stainless; she hung a ruffled curtain at the window, and displayed things like an well-worn vintage family plate (and other unrelated things) on the counter.
So it's the perfect compromise for this Supervision couple. Their home is neither Modern Minimalist nor Sentimental Tchotchke, but instead a somewhat discordant blend of both. So it will never be chosen for a magazine spread. Neither of them gets to live in a home exemplifying the cohesive form of what makes to them, a beautiful home, but, their home does reflect bits of both of them.
To me they are an example of what Catholics believe is a main point of marriage - to to help each other get to Heaven. And you can see just in the instances of the above that they do give each other so many opportunities to grow in charity and patience, and to die to self while lifting up the other.
In fact I think that is how they do it. Dying to self, day by day. I have watched them individually grow closer to God, as for each, that is a priority. And also together they have incorporated into their marriage more faith practices and more prayer life. And I have watched their marriage get even stronger and stronger. It is a 2nd marriage for both (about 15 years now?) and the the intertype supervision-tensions are evident, but, also evident is God's helping them through it. They truly are a model for how God can transform what seems to be a formula for an impossible marriage. The choose to put God first, and you cannot outgive God. God gives back with eh graces needed to make it work.
This year they have both committed to regular Adoration in an increased committed schedule, during which they each keep prayer journals to God, and they are both positively glowing. I guess that is what inspired me to write about them. What is lacking in them - a great Intertype Relation - God truly has made up for.
And below are two stories about them that make me laugh because they show them living and coping with the discordancies of Supervision.
My friend, like other SEI's I know, is extremely thrifty, to help stretch the family dollar (and they make a good dollar). He also is a very tight economizer - but then, he will splurge, like, the big sailboat that cost so much in time and money to dock and maintain. At first it got some use but because he works long, long hours [he is perfectly thorough in his work as in everything], they went several consecutive recent years without using it at all for pleasure, but they still had to annually, together, put in serious labor over a couple days in freezing Novembers to do the hard work to prepare it properly for winter storage. SEI dreaded these annual major work days in most unpleasant conditions. And then the huge storage fees. But he wasn't ready to sell it, and SEI's attempts at persuasion (as usual) fell on deaf ears. Finally - surprise, he decided to sell it, and boy, was SEI happy! (It is said, the two happiest days of a boat owner's life are the day they buy a boat and the day they sell it.)
So recently we ran into them at a Saturday noon Mass and we invited them to lunch, but they had to decline as they were to make a beeline for Sam's Club some miles even further from our town (the Church was about halfway) in order to save a few cents per gallon on gas, and their car at the moment was driving on fumes. I said to LSE that I really admired his vigilant efforts to save a dollar! SEI immediately chimed in, "Before you think it's too wonderful, remember the boat!" LOL.
I am glad she can say her thing, even if he ignores it!
Recently my husband walked to our local Mass, and SEI and LSE gave him a ride back. LSE regaled him with a (long) story about the many delays in a recent flight, and my husband remarked that he did not realize air travel had gotten this bad. LSE said, "That's not the worst of it. You should hear the story about my flight to California!" My husband answered, 'Well, I don't know if I have time for that...", and later he laughingly told me that SEI immediately piped up, from the back of the car, "Well, you're going to hear about it anyway!" And he did. I could just imagine her ironic grin and quiet voice, and his unfazed, determined face as he plunged ahead with what he planned to say anyway...
He is invalidating, without meaning to be, and she has learned to see the humor in it.
* In 398 AD, St. Augustine of Hippo wrote in his Confessions: “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”
"A man with a definite belief always appears bizarre, because he does not change with the world; he has climbed into a fixed star, and the earth whizzes below him like a zoetrope."
........ G. ........... K. ............... C ........ H ........ E ...... S ........ T ...... E ........ R ........ T ........ O ........ N ........
"Having a clear faith, based on the creed of the Church, is often labeled today as fundamentalism... Whereas relativism, which is letting oneself be tossed and swept along
by every wind of teaching, looks like the only
attitude acceptable to today's standards." - Pope Benedict the XVI, "The Dictatorship of Relativism"
My mother is LSI and my stepfather SEE. They have a good relationship and have been married for around 10 or 11 years now. From what I understand she appreciates his positivity and helps him to be a bit more organized and think things through.