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Thread: Attraction to People of Same Instinctual Variant

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    Default Attraction to People of Same Instinctual Variant

    I noticed I am drawn, at least on here in this forum, to people of the same instinctual variant, even if they are in the opposing quadra.

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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkcanary View Post
    I noticed I am drawn, at least on here in this forum, to people of the same instinctual variant, even if they are in the opposing quadra.
    Yes good point. Instincts are like a "value" system of its own, so people of the same instinctual stacking have a certain value set in common, it's like being in the same Quadra. So that can make less favorable ITRs "better" or easier to deal with (if you focus on the instinctual matters). Same stacking helps most with opposing Quadra, followed by other stackings of the same flow and possibly contraflow but same instincts.

    In the same vein, I have found that opposite stackings (which are those who have the second instinct in common but not the rest) are like "Quasi-Identicals" and they worsen even Duality relationships.
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    We've had this discussion a few years ago and yes, it tends to go

    instincts > enneagram > socionics type

    ... where instincts and enneagram are usually responsible for that initial click you may feel with someone, creating connections across the quadrants, while socionics plays a strategic role and tends to unfold over the long term. You may not notice your duals at first, unlike those with same instincts, but 3+ years into a relationship you'll know whether you've been with a dual or not.

    Likewise, incompatible instinct and enneagram matches pull in opposite directions and create distances even if you're part of the same quadrant in socionics or even supposed to be socionics duals.

    Besides these three typologies there are numerous others, like the NPA types and relationship attachment styles, that also have an effect, but instincts seem to form some kind of baseline pattern for this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by silke View Post
    We've had this discussion a few years ago and yes, it tends to go

    instincts > enneagram > socionics type

    ... where instincts and enneagram are usually responsible for that initial click you may feel with someone, creating connections across the quadrants, while socionics plays a strategic role and tends to unfold over the long term. You may not notice your duals at first, unlike those with same instincts, but 3+ years into a relationship you'll know whether you've been with a dual or not.

    Likewise, incompatible instinct and enneagram matches pull in opposite directions and create distances even if you're part of the same quadrant in socionics or even supposed to be socionics duals.

    Besides these three typologies there are numerous others, like the NPA types and relationship attachment styles, that also have an effect, but instincts seem to form some kind of baseline pattern for this.
    What do you consider incompatible Enneagram matches?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Olimpia View Post
    What do you consider incompatible Enneagram matches?
    3 and 6 for one: Enneagram 3s and 6s: Why Don't They Get Along?. 1 and 8 is another difficult pairing.

    As for instincts, the difficult pairings are the ones that have same secondary instinct but different primary instincts, e.g. sp/sx and so/sx. Casually they will get along and discover some shared topics for conversation, however, getting into a relationship they find that their deeper interests and motivations pull them into different directions at which point their relationship becomes difficult to sustain. This happens relatively quickly in social interactions, such that I've never seen a long term couple with opposing instinct stacking, but there is a small number of supervision, superego, and conflict ltrs, showing that socionics does not quite take the precedence in this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by silke View Post
    3 and 6 for one: Enneagram 3s and 6s: Why Don't They Get Along?. 1 and 8 is another difficult pairing.

    As for instincts, the difficult pairings are the ones that have same secondary instinct but different primary instincts, e.g. sp/sx and so/sx. Casually they will get along and discover some shared topics for conversation, however, getting into a relationship they find that their deeper interests and motivations pull them into different directions at which point their relationship becomes difficult to sustain. This happens relatively quickly in social interactions, such that I've never seen a long term couple with opposing instinct stacking, but there is a small number of supervision, superego, and conflict ltrs, showing that socionics does not quite take the precedence in this.
    what about a 9 and a 4 where do you see that going

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    If I am correct in identifying myself as a self-preservation type, I am not attracted to people with my own instinctual variant at all. Quite the opposite--I find that I have the least chemistry with them out of the three possibilities.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anderson21 View Post
    what about a 9 and a 4 where do you see that going
    It tends to go alright from the few couples that I've seen. 4 & 6 is said to be the most common pairings in enneagram community. The 4 feels soothed by the all-accepting 9 that doesn't attempt to overrun them, judge them or push them either way, so the 4 can keep their identity around the 9 and not feel down or anxious about it, especially if the 4 is coming from having a history of attempted relationships with "assertive" triad types 3,7, and 8.

    A challenge that presents itself later in this match is that 4 is an emotionally reactive type that doesn't mind exploring negative emotions or getting emotionally worked up, while 9 is in the positive outlook triad that likes keeping things positive or at least emotionally even. Within the context of a relationships, the 4 eventually starts getting annoyed by 9's emotional evenness, numbness, and sometimes sweetness. "Reactive" types search for a corresponding emotional reaction in others, but this is not what the 4 meets with a 9. So this could be a stumbling block. The 4 may choose to overlook this, and stick around with the 9, even if the 4 ends up feeling frustrated that their emotional needs aren't being met.

    This description from Enneagram Institute is pretty much going over the same dynamic that I've seen, describing it in a slightly more nuanced way, but yeah, so much this part: "The biggest area of conflict between Fours and Nines is that each tends to react differently as stress increases: Fours become more emotionally volatile and demanding, while Nines become more disengaged and impossible to get through to. Fours can feel too unstable and dramatic, unpredictable and moody for Nines, while Nines can feel too unresponsive and emotionally inert, unsatisfying and uncommunicative for Fours."

    https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/r...-4-with-type-9

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    what about tritypes? does 478 match with 514?

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    Quote Originally Posted by ooo View Post
    what about tritypes? does 478 match with 514?
    Not sure, haven't seen this combo in play. Is there some reason that you're asking?

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    Quote Originally Posted by ooo View Post
    what about tritypes? does 478 match with 514?
    Yes, because they both share a 4 fix.

    I wrote more about it here, but essentially, compatible tritypes are those that share at least one fix in common.
    Incompatible tritypes don't share any fix in common.
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    ^ Having said that, in terms of Socionics, 478 with 514 would most likely be an IEE-ILI match, which is compatible enough, being Mirage.

    Actually, I have found that there are Duals who have incompatible tritypes, and it does create odd frictions or misunderstandings. Like the people are not on the same path or mission in life. You see the same with the instinctual stackings. So even Duality can be worsened by incompatible Enneagram factors.
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    thank you :} i was just checking your site before, Oli~
    @silke I'm 478, I think.. alternatively 628 (everytime I make a tritype test I get diff results but these 2 are the most consistent), Oli says one would be ENFP and the other ENFJ, the irony.

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    Well if you gals are into tritypes, mind if you answer some questions.

    Say ooo's is tritype 478, and every type fixation comes with a wing - what would be the collective three wings on her types?
    And what would be the disintegration and integration patterns on all of her types and all of her wings?

    I'm genuinely interested in hearing this answer and how you find compatibility within 3 types, 3 wings, and their 6 integration patterns.
    Theory aside, this takes a lot of relationship experience.

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    Quote Originally Posted by silke View Post
    Well if you gals are into tritypes, mind if you answer some questions.

    Say ooo's is tritype 478, and every type fixation comes with a wing - what would be the collective three wings on her types?
    And what would be the disintegration and integration patterns on all of her types and all of her wings?

    I'm genuinely interested in hearing this answer and how you find compatibility within 3 types, 3 wings, and their 6 integration patterns.
    Theory aside, this takes a lot of relationship experience.
    When it comes to compatibility, what matters in Enneagram is instinctual stacking and sharing at least one tritype fix.
    Core types do not truly matter as much, though I have found that Assertive types (3,7,8) tend to clash in a relationship, it is too much of a "I wanna be the boss/I wanna wear the pants"-struggle (so they usually end up with more compliant or easygoing types like 6/9/2). And there are other little possible annoyances, which mostly depend on mental health though.

    The entire disintegration/integration idea is a bit overrated IMO. People can "grow" in their disintegration point of the core type, and get worse with their integration point. And at the end of the day, the person becomes the worst version of the type itself, and not actually become like their disintegration type or whatever. At most, it is nuances.

    So yeah, you could go down the rabbit hole and look at all the minuscule details. I don't think there is much integration/disintegration going on with wing fixes anyway, but you could look at it if you want.

    It also makes more sense if you see the Enneagram as an overall system of what ego identities are comprised of, and that most of us tend to be connected to every type, just to differing degrees. Just like everyone has a stacking and is connected to each instinct, just to a different extent. Like everyone is using and in need of the Self-preservation instinct, but for SP last, that mental connection is the weakest. Similarly, the connection to 4 would be the weakest and minuscule in someone who is 8w7-6w7-3w2 or whatever. It's close to non-existent, except there might be a tiny bit of it in the way the 2 wing might "move" to 4. But it is way too little of a connection to be noteworthy or have any impact in compatibility matching.

    As I said earlier, tritype fixes matter, but I meant with that the core types. Sure, let's say someone is 469 tritype and the other person is 125, it would help with their compatibility if the exact tritypes had 9w1 and 5w4 fixes, so there would be a bit of an overlap. It makes it better but I don't think the bond/connection would be strong enough for a long term relationship, maybe unless the people involved are actually Duals > Identicals > Activity > Mirror and have compatible instincts.
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    I've only been in a relationship once and she was sp/sx, definitely an important compatibility factor imo, I'm so anti-so I think it'd be hard for an so-dom to even take interest in me, I have very few friends and quite enjoy the peaceful life of an observer, maybe I'm an ILI or something I dunno
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    @silke, I'm not really sure bcoz enneagram is very complicated for me and I don't really use it/ haven't gone into its depths, but I don't think tritypes are coming as three types with the wings, it's more like: pick one Etype from each triad.
    for instance I'm pretty sure I'm 4w5 and I could be 7w6 or 9w8 too in normal Etypes, but my tritype doesn't necessarily contain those Etypes, nor necessarily in that order. Idk... if someone knows pls tell..

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    Quote Originally Posted by silke View Post
    We've had this discussion a few years ago and yes, it tends to go

    instincts > enneagram > socionics type

    ... where instincts and enneagram are usually responsible for that initial click you may feel with someone, creating connections across the quadrants, while socionics plays a strategic role and tends to unfold over the long term. You may not notice your duals at first, unlike those with same instincts, but 3+ years into a relationship you'll know whether you've been with a dual or not.

    Likewise, incompatible instinct and enneagram matches pull in opposite directions and create distances even if you're part of the same quadrant in socionics or even supposed to be socionics duals.

    Besides these three typologies there are numerous others, like the NPA types and relationship attachment styles, that also have an effect, but instincts seem to form some kind of baseline pattern for this.
    Out of genuine curiosity Silke, what would you rank instinctual stackings, enneagram and socionics type for LTR? Also, what is more detrimental for LTR? Same quadra/dual and opposing instinctual stacking/flow or opposing quadra/conflictor and compatible instinctual stacking/flow?

    Also, how does enneagram factor into LTR in general and how well do 6s and 7s get along? The reason I ask is because the odds of getting instinctual stacking, enneagram and Socionics type all as compatible is pretty slim, but much higher to get one or two of them as compatible.
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    Only sometimes. There's an understanding, though. I like how some of the other stackings are low-key about what I'm stressed about, not pressing for more and more. I get a fascination with people who are different.

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