Id Adoption

[FreelancePoliceman]

Perhaps someone would be willing to help me with these thoughts I've been shuffling around.

My current self-typing of LII seems generally accurate enough, but, as always, I hold a few reservations. Mostly I've been thinking about the vulnerable function; Se PoLR I'm not sure is entirely accurate. Se doesn't, I think, make me feel particularly vulnerable or insecure -- maybe to an extent (I doubt it's a valued function, but if so it's fairly weak), but not to the extent that it's described, surely. Where I feel most vulnerable, rather, is Fe. When I was a child, Fe would make me tense up; I irrationally hated it beyond what was reasonable. Pleasantries, small talk, and such made my feelings alternate between wanting to run away, wanting to die immediately, and wishing someone would hit the person emanating the Fe with a hammer. As such I developed a strong preference and attraction toward Fi types, who felt safer and more "real".

This should indicate SLI or ILI, but A) neither typing seems to fit (I can explain why, but it would detract from the post to explain why they don't here), and B) My personality when I was a child was quite different than my present one, due to stressful factors I'd rather not talk about. I was consciously aware that my personality was altered, and I thought of it as a defense mechanism to protect my "real" self. Now that I've left my parents' house, I wonder if I adopted the functions in my id block to do this. I did act and feel, I think, fairly similarly as an ILI -- down to the feeling of noticeably weak, half-flickering attempts at Se which ILIs generally emanate. Has anyone heard of anything similar to this; i.e., adoption of id functions when stressed?

But I think it might be possible that I'm wrong, for these reasons. First, when meeting people, I'm quite stiff and come across as being overly formal -- I'm both aware of this, and have been told so many times. I believe this to be because I'm self-conscious regarding the "acceptability" of my presence/action/appearance. Second, people who are very sociable still strike a chord of insecurity somewhere inside my heart -- though the more I think on it, the less I'm convinced this is triggered by Fe itself, since SEEs invoke this often, but perhaps it's still a form of aversion to the domain of Fe? Regardless, I don't tend to feel nearly as strongly against Fe as I did when I was a child, and the sensation is quite different. But in any case, this has a similar cause as the former; the insecurity stems from a fear of not being socially "acceptable"; good enough, in a way. This fear persists even when I dislike or think poorly of the person in question, barring outright hatred. Thirdly, if I'm SLI, I'd relate to seeking Ne/Fi; I tend to feel as if I need more of both in my life. I do tend to quite like ENFPs, and they do feel genuinely refreshing in a way that I don't feel often, so duality's not out of the question. I do feel I'd be bothered by ENFPs' flightiness in a long-term relationship, but what do I know.

Anyway, I feel these problems have to do with my misunderstanding of Socionics, or myself, so I'd appreciate any feedback, including "Get out of your head, jackass; you're clearly just x."

Edit: I don't think I initially made this clear enough: since I left my parents' house, Fe has been bothering me increasingly less. The other day I met an ESE and talked with her some, and was surprised how well I felt and got along with her, since that hasn't been the case in the past.