fuck it, since you asked and I think it's pretty socionics related and this is anonymous anyway because I don't know anyone here,
Dad - LSE
Mom - SEI-Fe
Little brother - SEE
Older brother - LSE
Me - ILI
Both parents (LSE and SEI supervision relationship) got a divorce when I was in my teens. They stayed together about 20 years and my mom said she only did because of us...My SEE brother stayed away from everyone and started doing drugs, didn't get along with my dad and almost always was on conflicting terms with my mom. I was kind of fucked up and didn't know how to relate to him back then, so I wasn't much help either. He's doing fine now, but him and my mom still don't get along that well; he will only visit her for short periods of time because that's about all he can stand. It's like we have to dumb ourselves down for her. I think my brother eventually ended up on good terms with my dad, but I wouldn't know since I stopped seeing him in my twenties.
But after the divorce I had to live with my dad that married an ESE after the divorce. Suffice to say, I preferred being homeless over living with her when I got old enough. Yes, having my conflictor and super-ego dictating a lot of my life screwed with me and it was maladaptive and yeah it makes you think something is wrong with you. I used to get ignored or mocked for about all of my behaviors. I guess it's weird admitting it, but my mom has these memories of me as a child when I would get mad because I didn't want to do stuff and she thinks it's like cute or funny or something, even when I tell her how fucked up that shit was. She used to say my favorite word was "No". Like wtf, fuck her. Man I fucking hate alpha SFs. But before I went homeless for 6 months my dad tried to set ultimatums to make me "normal" or at least what an LSE and ESE would want someone who is so completely different from them to be. I told him if I left, I'd never see him again and I never did. Even when he died slowly from lung cancer and wanted me to see him, I never did and I've never felt bad about it. My older LSE brother took my dad's side in everything and he hated that I wouldn't see him, so I got mad one day and said "fuck you" about 20 times in a row at the top of my lungs until he shut the fuck up. I haven't seen him since. Last I heard he cheated on his long time 5 year girlfriend with some chick he just met and married that chick 6 months later. They have a kid I guess. I think he's a piece of shit, but he seems to have done well career-wise and makes a lot of money. But he was never ever there for me or my brother. He typically looks down on us anyway and I think it does have something to do with socionics because he sees us as fuckups by choice or something. He's always given the same impression my father gave me, of an expectation of normalcy that we choose not to do.
I really hate the idea of family and it did kind of fuck me up. I don't really like most people and find them generally threatening, especially when people act like family is the best thing in the world and it's so important and then I see how dysfunctional parents are and how even people that are so involved in their communities can't stop their children from getting into drugs and crime and ending up in prison. There was this guy (probably LSE) I used to work with that was obsessed with making money, so he would work overtime all the time and he was always so adamant about how people should work hard all the time and shit at some hourly job (what a dumb fuck) and one day I got him to admit that instead of working all the time, in retrospect he should have helped raise his son and not end up robbing, stealing his identity, beating him, and then ending up in prison. Like damn, how does family shit even get to that point. And this guy was a "pillar of the community" kind of guy. Fuck, I swear LSEs can be such fucking stupid twats.
anyway, families are shit. they are. fuck families.
And yeah I know this is too personal, but fuck it, who cares anyway. I should probably go to therapy or something, but I'm kind of a schizoid now and don't think I'd actually get anything out of it. And I've read people like me don't change anyway, so what the fuck you know.
So yeah, I know it's a fucking joke on here about "becoming a socionist" and it makes me laugh, but honestly if I wasn't fucked up I probably wouldn't have been so interested in psychology or the shit. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. It's like I have the knowledge to understand things now, but I'm not sure it makes any difference since I don't have the motivation to really do anything with it, except post on here, which I guess is pretty unfulfilling to be honest when people end up bitching about shit. damn, I'm probably pretty fucked up. well fuck,
I think
oh and fuck everyone.
bye.