Hellllo! Does anyone remember me? Its been such a long time! I never forgot about socionics, it was always there in the back of my mind. I kind of continued to passively type people without thinking about it. I'm amazed to see that i still recognize some names. I bet after thinking about socionics for so long you have really advanced your knowledge. I'm legit really keen to hear what has been going on with you all!
So what happened with / to me? Well a lot (life). A very long story short i developed quite a serious anxiety disorder, depression also. I do mean serious too. Quite a lot of sadness, more than i thought i would have ever had when i was a child.
Fortunately i learnt a few things about myself. One of those things is i just cannot give up. Through all of my troubles, i never lost hope for long (although i did many times). I tirelessly tried to fix and help myself. If you're familiar with anxiety and depression while never giving up is an admirable quality, it was unfortunately part of the problem. Eventually though i came to understand how to help myself (it took a long time). I found the work of Claire Weekes, and the blog of another Anxiety sufferer, who i'm pretty sure is ENFp. I saw the wisdom in what they promoted and i think they saved my life. For the past 5 months i've felt like myself again. Its been a wonderful transition, i feel free again and words cannot express it to be honest. Anxiety took away my greatest strengths, it robbed me of the possibilities in life. I feel an immense sense of gratitude just to feel ok. If you happen to have bad anxiety, or even depression i might be worth talking to.
But now with myself personality returning, I don't really quite know who i am. In a sense i think i do, but i was hoping to get some confirmation. Of course a partner is something that has alluded me. I've had brushes with people of course, even with an ISTp when i lived overseas but when you're struggling so much your chances are limited.
I work in mental health working primarily with people with schizophrenia (I really love it). There are quite a few ISTp's in my workplace (like 5 or something). One of the women has shown attraction towards me for about 2 years now (even before i was feeling better). In my sleep deprived state over the past few days I've been trying to figure out her subtype and my own subtype. I think that she is ISTp-Si and I am ENFp-Fi. Unfortunately i cant deny that i have feelings for her but i'm not sure if its simply because she seems to like me.
Her - She works hard at work, tries her very best to do everything thoroughly and properly. Probably even the best member of the team (from a doing everything to the letter standpoint). In her work with clients she is very direct and businesslike and keeps our mutual client on track with practical matters. Shes quite effective when working with him and is calm and patient. He is an ISTp as well by the way (highly complex with bi-polar, PTSD and some personality problems as well). She does a lot more of the talking and tends to lead the interaction with me backing her up. She can kind of put her foot in her mouth a little in meetings, she tend to get excited and even a little loud. Ive noticed that she has a slight tendency to talk to clients in a childish voice and when she talks there seems to be a slightly grating quality / lack of smoothness sometimes (lack of Fe?).
In our relations together its almost cold and distant. We have pretty much NEVER chatted about our personal lives to each other. Its all business. I'm almost scared to talk to her and she seems reluctant to open up. Whenever we work with our mutual client though she seems to want to see me. She asks to (debrief) which i think is unnecessary in her car. The other day I was in a very good mood and she was definitely a little flirty, putting her head too close to mine etc. At the end of the visit i hopped in my car and she seemed to hesitantly look like she wanted to (debrief) again. Inevitably i got a phonecall as i was driving. Interestingly though we often have quite a stunted businesslike conversation on the phone as well. She genuinely seems to want to focus on our client and i feel like i don't have a lot of insight to offer her. I am kind of intrigued by her unavailability, and the fact that i know very little about her. When i read the subtype description a lot seems to fit with the Si subtype to me (working in humanitarian fields). I don't feel a great deal of Si in person from her though.
I'm pretty sure i'm an Fi subtype. My greatest skill to in the world is probably making people like me (and get closer to me). Although this skill has atrophied a lot to the point where its not often. Sometimes i feel myself pulling people so palpably that i can tell the other person is almost mesmerized by me. I am quite a chameleon, i change how i approach different people. I seem to find a way to quite effectively work with most (not all) of my clients. I'm often quiet and don't know what to say though. I worry about being boring. My Ti seems painfully weak sometimes. I do feel a bit turbulent and unsure of who I am. I have a bit of an edgy quality, while i'm very kind i'm not innocent (like some ENFp's ive met). I don't lead a life too quirky, I don't create much. I like to go to the gym and chill at home watching TV / Movies. I've noticed i'm naturally slightly more serious and don't feel compelled to laugh with Fe types when i think the joke is shit or not my style. I'm not that confident in myself though but i wonder if life did that. Sometimes though i can feel very confident, walking around the gym talking to everyone. These days i just don't really care what people think about me.
I'd imagine the Ne subtype (who i'm not sure ive met much) is more intellectually driven. Id imagine they are more creative, getting flights of ideas and feeling compelled to follow them through. I know one ENFp who was a lot quirkier than me. He was very quiet, he wore toe shoes and is now living in Indonesia with his girlfriend doing this weird yoga thing where they hold each other up in weird positions. I studied psych and social work and didn't find it particularly difficult, but i wasn't particularly interested in intellectualizing too much. I actually often seem to easily see the bullshit in what other people believe. I'm a huge skeptic. Without offending anyone, my friends ENFp girlfriend is into energy healing and crystals etc, and i just could never believe in that in a million years. Its annoying though as she has such a lovely group of hippie friends
Sorry about the long post - i'm quite sleep deprived right now. I have this feeling that this girl is Si ISTp. It's kind of sad, as i might (although not sure) really need a Te type best. They seem rare too. One of my longest friends is very logical, he could pull apart a car engine and put it back together. He is interested in trees and nature and often tells me shit about how the helicopter flying overhead is coming from this airport or that this valley used to have gold in it. He's also very irritable and cranky pants and can piss people off, but in a sense i'm the right type of person to smooth out his relations for him. Its really annoying, its like i'm dreaming of this ISTp being perfect for me while simultaneously knowing i'm probably deluding myself.