Let's just jump right into it guys. I am going to try to report things in my life without the normal embellishing of my traits. It is kinda hard to be this honest with myself, but I believe it's needed for me to really learn my type and understand myself. I will explain how my personality was and a few life events from my youth to now.
I was known to be a very reserved child, I stayed in my room at all times and did not like to talk to really anybody, though I could hold my own in a conversation if someone initiated it. I had one friend who I talked to more than all of my siblings(I have 8, but only 7 at that time) and he was literally the only person I would leave my room willingly to go hang out with.
On the school side of things, I was noted to have been gifted and as such I was put into the gifted courses at my school. Apparently, I was able to maintain all A's and had a 4th grade reading level while only being in 1st grade. My parents then put me on a pedestal and regularly complimented me on my intelligence while putting down my siblings for struggling with what I found easy. This caused the rift between my siblings and I to widen as they saw me as the enemy instead of an ally. I was the prince and they were peasants in their eyes.
My mother found my father was cheating on her and basically the whole house became a warzone. She refused to kick him out, instead opting to have fights with him every other night and calling the cops about once a month. She refused to get a restraining order, she just did it to try and scare my dad. The worst part was that she would have my siblings and I badmouth my father as well and if you didn't, she would get angry at you as well.
My dad, being an alcoholic, gang member, and a drug dealer was normally pretty calm, but he would flip into a rage if you didn't do something exactly the way that you said to do it. He had certain rules for how we could be and was primarily concerned with his boys looking like "men". To him, that meant dressing in baggy clothing, listening to only to rap, and never crying. He would actually sometimes get physically aggressive if the boys showed any kind of emotion and encourage us to fight people who "looked at us the wrong way".
I was the only boy to not follow this out of the 4 of us, I preferred reading. I would read for hours on end every day and play video games when I wasn't doing that. I preferred violent dark books about serial killers that my mom enjoyed reading. I grew to be obsessed win these murderers and got in trouble multiple times for bringing these books to school. I didn't want to emulate these people, but I loved seeing a person acting on complete impulse.
By the time I reached 5th grade, I was reading on a 12th grade level and known as a chill kid who didn't say much, but was always hanging around the troublemakers. I somehow managed to keep my grades all high through all of this and thus my parents kept praising me even though I was becoming more violent and aggressive with my siblings.
By this time, I was already an extremely skilled liar and manipulator, but I also became much more extroverted outside of home. I started testing my parent's dominance over me by leaving for school and not coming back until 11 at night. I would go to my friends house that was like a mile away and walk home all by myself at 10 P.M. while only being 10 years old.
They did nothing that really deterred me. Verbal abuse didn't get to me and I didn't care about the physical abuse. I had become numb to it. So eventually, my parents just stopped because they saw that they couldn't get to me anymore. They didn't care as long as I kept getting good grades so that they could brag about me.
These years are pretty much a blur. Nothing of note really happened during these years other than that I became more of a daredevil and started enjoying messing with people when I could. I was still the smart quiet kid, but now I we cool with the leaders of all the major groups. I was even friends with people who weren't friends with each other and would pay both sides when they would conflict with each other, I was also very quick to talk behind people's back and get them to fight just to protect myself.
I was no slouch in getting physical either, when people called me out for a fight, even a friendly one, I was willing to do it. I never initiated however, but if people called me out on something physical, I had to do it. My heart does not allow me to give up once a conflict has started. I will avoid people and conflict, but once they start it, I'm all for it. The signal you send me, I send right back to you. My environment determines what version of me that you get. The only constant is my pragmatic nature and my aloofness.
My grades finally dropped to just barely passing around this time though my teachers would still believe me. Notably, my hippie English teacher asked me to be the President of the Philosophy Club even though I never put much work into his class. I agreed and it was a fun little gig while it lasted, but I eventually started ditching my own club to hang out with my friends.
Everyone at the school had at least heard of me during this time as I a love interest for several popular girls and I had a very eccentric look for High School. I let my hair grow really long and didn't take care of it at all and it actually looked kinda like Einstein's at times. Girls would love to touch it and I was happy that it made me stand out because I started to dislike looking like everyone else and blend in.
In a surprise moment, I cut my hair and started wearing a bun. On the wardrobe side, I began cutting up my jeans and jackets so I could express myself more adequately. People began claiming my style as their own and it would simultaneously anger as well as excite me. I was making an impact.
On a more introspective note, I began keeping a diary where I would pour out my feelings just to get rid of them. I filled up about 3 notebooks front to back with everything from major life events to what tasks I need to achieve and general ideas of action.
I wanted to become an artist who dabbled in all mediums. I began writing a novel, poetry, music, and working on a movie script. I still work on those projects today.
At home, I became very confrontational with my siblings and father. I just tried to ignore my mother as I was pretty sure she was mentally ill, but she preferred to self-medicate instead of going to the hospital.
I completely rebelled against my father's idea of a man. I started listening to rock music which he said was for "weirdos", I wore skinny jeans and often wore an open cardigan with no shirt underneath. The cardigan would have holes placed in it by me to give it that extra punk look. The thing that angered him most was that I refused to bow to his dominance, I saw him as worthless with no chance of a happy ending to his life. I was better than him and if I was better than him, why would I listen to him?
I used people and things whenever I could to get my way and if anyone called me out on it, I'd mobilize all of our friends against them. People didn't really mess with me because I had an army of people willing to defend my actions and if that didn't work, I had no problem going toe-to-toe with you. Whether it would be physical, mental, or emotional, I would beat you and you would know your place. And if I did lose, I'd make sure to drop information or hit you in such a way that you'll feel worse than I do.
Currently me, I've actually chilled out on a lot of the bad things that I used to participate in, but I suspect that it's because I haven't really been interacting with as many people anymore. I'm chill and try to be tolerant of people, I can only really manage this with children however. Everyone else is a target.
I don't steal from people or beat up people unprovoked, I may let my instincts drive me sometimes but even I have rules. As long as I don't initiate the conflict, how I handle it is not my problem. I always help a person if they ask me for help and I respect you all people at least a little until they prove themselves unworthy.
Lately I've been wondering if I'm just a total shit person which could be true. I am now affiliated with my cities community reform group and I have noticed that every time that something is brought up. My first thought is how can it help me and that's been something I've become hyper aware of. I've even discarded friends after I saw there was nothing they could do to help me rise to the next level. I only have 2 people that I truly trust and a 100 who only know a certain aspect of me.
I don't know why, my mind automatically frames everything into how I can use it to my benefit no matter how shady it would be. I don't take those chances all the time, but I take them a lot of times and it's starting to finally get to me how I could benefit off of someone else's pain and hard work without a care in a world. Even right now, I'm thinking about how bad it would look if people found out something bad I did to them instead of how they would feel. My image controls me more than I do at times.
Oh yeah, my parents separated and kicked me out when I was 17 so I've been living with friends for the past 3 years.
That's about it guys, if you have any questions just ask. I want to grow as a person and truly know myself.