I have done a questionnaire, which admittedly was made for the Enneagram, but I am looking into my Socionics type. Its advantage was its efficiency - covering a lot while still being able to get it done in one sitting, because if I donít, Iíll never finish it. While I have model A down and can discuss its terminology with you as we go, applying it to myself is another story. Iím particularly bad at determining my base function, as silly as that is.

if you canít type me because you donít know me well enough yet, thatís completely fair. If you give it a stab anyway, thank you.

1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
Mental noise - in a good way. Upbeat music snippets, wordplay, aesthetic design, background development of storylines I am writing. A friend has described my process of creating fiction as the construction of a social network of people who donít exist - theyíre a dominant Fe user in MBTI and say that itís like what they do with real people.

A cross between tuning out of the body, and physical hypervigilance. A massive store of unspent energy - constantly wanting to move and see, until I finally sit down, at which point I get as absorbed in mental activity instead and donít want to get back up.

Emotional distraction interrupted by spikes. More thinking about feelings than actually feeling in the heart and gut, and yet actually being pretty emotionally sensitive.


2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
Inside looking out - most of my experience and activity is internal, and Iím not content with that. Iím actually a very external processor - speaking and writing about problems, feelings, and ideas, or creating visual representations, is how I organize them and get into their logic. Internally, I canít do that so well. When I am inside my head, impacting the environment doesnít come naturally, and it is too easy to be impacted by it - I have to make an uncomfortable effort to extend my figurative limbs, but it pays off in self-respect. I like to think in and of itself, and resent being told to think less or that thinking is a waste.


b. What have others said about you?
That I am quiet or soft spoken (fuck you), cerebral, intensely feeling, delicate and gentle (fuck you fuck you fuck you), that I keep others on task and on schedule, am self-absorbed and obsessed, am prideful, seem uncomfortable as a baseline, am insightful (which I could argue against - I am not original, but cobble together and riff off of ideas that already exist) and self-aware (which I could argue against a lot - the mimicry has to be this good because of how false it is), that I am smart, that I am honest, that I am driven and goal-oriented.


c. What do you think of yourself?
I think I seriously fall short in action of what I know is right. Thereís a drive in the opposite direction, which pops up and gives a sudden push right when it is time to act - like I donít deserve the dignity, like Iím not good, so I shouldnít pretend. If youíre thinking this is about big life decisions, FYI itís so much more granular to me. How close do I stand to this person? Did I speak up? Did I let them interrupt me? Am I doing something that encourages them not to listen? Are we both showing respect? The character implications of deciding not to buy a piece of furniture. Of looking at this or eating that. The littlest actions and reactions say things about who I am, more information the more immediate they get.


3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
What is good and bad about me - a felt sense of being tasked with becoming a good person and of learning how to love, rather than starting out with either of these things. This was my first obsession as a child. What does ďgoodĒ mean in the eyes of common knowledge - what moral philosophy is this book or this group putting forth? What world do their actions and words imply they want to create? What does ďgoodĒ mean to me? Where do I fall short, and why?

Accuracy and implementation - driven to seek the knowledge that is necessary to act on a vision or directive, with specific certainty and integrity. What information is relevant to the plan, and what isnít? I honestly feel better at determining this than most people, but it comes with a weakness of being annoyed by attempts to broaden the scope of relevancy when we already have a working model.

Sorting out purpose from pride - Being driven toward technical and scientific disciplines, but becoming too passionate and burning out. Being a creative writer who has never accepted an opportunity to publish their work.


Anxiety - mainly physical phobias, body hypervigilance. The sense that humanity is an unfinished work - that our consciousness is outsized for our physical situation. The horror of being capable of knowing exactly what is happening as we decay and die, and in being able to contemplate so much more than we can actually do in the time our bodies have (I suspect that ďbrilliantĒ ideas are actually very common, only seeming rare because most people fail to actualize them in time). This is a huge source of creative inspiration - cosmic and body horror.



4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
This question reads the same as the next question, so Iíll interpret the two differently to cover two areas. This one, I will read as traits I struggle to develop and because I donít honestly care about them. Receiving advice on them will irritate me or cause anxiety:

The arts of food and comfort, non-aesthetic attention to the body, focus and quieting the mind, maintaining lists and scheduled routines, acceptance of personal limits and ugly physical realities.


b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
This question, I will read as traits I struggle to develop but painfully wish to have. Receiving advice on them might feel hopeful and empowering, or cause shame, depending on the tone of the advice:

Giving and receiving affection, applying force and taking command when it is necessary to make my values a reality, open protectiveness of self and others, trust in my gut feelings, comfort with walking away from a conflict once it has begun.


5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
The point where I will finally snip a crumbling relationship is when it appears that there is nothing I can say or do anymore that wonít cause them pain. Best to do this one last thing, and then no more. Obviously this is an extreme, rare situation.


6. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
Love is serious - the stakes are the highest there is. I feel like I would be doing something destructive and careless if I got into a relationship unconfident in my capacity to provide and protect, and in my emotional health. Those things need to be built up first. I have also been told that this is my perfectionistic excuse for a much more banal fear of accepting intimacy - by an unreliable source who was trying to get me into bed, but itís also a real possibility. Guess for yourself.


7. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you.
My ideal is a level of mindfulness that assures timeliness and dignity and eliminates regret - reliably remembering to step back from situations to determine the unbiased right thing to do in the interest of truth and humanity. And then, having the capability to do it - having the strength to fight for something or be a leader should the need arise. A key ideal I have is protectiveness - having the heart to be driven to protect life, and the courage to act in spite of fear. Another key ideal I have is the pursuit of truth and accuracy, and that there is beauty in whatís real - in both the physics of the universe and the unsystematic mess of how real humans think and feel. I write fiction and strongly believe that simplified and unrealistically rational character depiction contributes to hate and violence in the world by giving us unrealistic expectations of one another. I shoot for a naturalistic approach to motive and dialogue and consider this a social contribution.

My ego nightmare might be worth describing - the opposite of the ideal. This would be a state that feels like being a prey animal, with consciousness watching in horror from the backseat while my actions follow the flow of fear. Not standing for anything or anyone, only existing to keep myself safe. Total incapacity for force - others are able to do whatever they want to me and shape me with their words. I felt like this as a child around other kids, and it became a core fear and sense of defectiveness - driving me to specialize, impress, and develop an aesthetic to divert my own and othersí attention from the sense of deficiency and the sense that I could be forgotten or devoured if I stopped working so hard.


8. Determine your "felt sense" of life.
The answer to this is all over the rest of the questionnaire. Attempting an individual answer here would just be to repeat a bunch of stuff. Thereís enough repetition in here already.


9. Core fears.
Being fundamentally evil/incapable of goodness or love. Death and disease - the body seizing dominance over the mind and imagination once and for all. Running out of lifetime to do anything of genuine importance to me. Shame - loss of control over social status or survival, being dominated by others, being weak and incapable of dignity. Loss of survival resources, and the accompanying shame.