Enneagram 1 with 9 Conflicts

[Sol]

Is there any recommendations how to deal with them constructively ?

[squark]

It depends on if you're the One or the Nine. Ones tend to push more to solve problems, while the nine retreats into non-responsiveness, which makes the one angry and so they push more. . . As a one the only way to stop this is to stop pushing, and that's hard. You're not going to get anything out of the nine until you back off which goes against everything in your nature. But you have to make things easy and comfortable enough for them so they'll work with you - picture coaxing a turtle out of its shell, think calm, patience. If you're the nine, step up and acknowledge the problem, take responsibility and face it so it can be solved. . . and you'll make the one very happy.


Some info from links and such that might be more helpful:

How to Get Along with a One

Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.
Acknowledge my achievements.
I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.
Tell me that you value my advice.
Be fair and considerate, as I am.
Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.
Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

How to Get Along with A Nine

If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advatage of this.
Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
Ask me questions to help me get clear.
Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
Let me know you like what I've done or said.
Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

The main problem area for Ones and Nines has to do with the opposite ways that they deal with conflicts and rising stress. Ones tend to become more openly frustrated with themselves and others and with the feeling that things are not going as they should. They begin to exude a prickly anger, edginess, and dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. They become obsessed with finding who is at fault, and with legislating how things could be improved. By contrast, when conflicts and stress increase, Nines begin to shut down and withdrawn. They become less effective at correcting problems and less able to speak about their feelings or discomfort. The worse things become, the more Nines attempt to tune them out while maintaining that nothing is the matter. Thus, judgments about the Nine's judgment and competence and willingness to take responsibility taint the One's dealings with Nines, while resistance and denial of problems (with a barely suppressed undertow of anger) infect the Nine.

It is difficult for Nines to step up to the plate and take the level of responsibility that Ones are looking for. The more Ones push Nines to respond in the way they want, the less Nines are willing and able to do so, and they retreat into more widespread passive-aggressive behavior. To Ones, this feels like willful resistance and culpable negligence. The quiet indifference of the Nine only infuriates the One all the more. In short, it is difficult for Ones to respect Nines, just as it is difficult for Nines to feel comfortable with (and able to express themselves to) Ones. Ones eventually become more self-righteous and intolerant while Nines become more uncommunicative and stubbornly unresponsive. Others find it very difficult to be around this pair because of the obvious, painful zingers pointed at the Nine by the One-and because of the aura of barely suppressed rage coming from the Nine. This couple gets frozen in their anger, with no way to melt the impasse.

[Sol]

It depends on if you're the One or the Nine. Ones tend to push more to solve problems, while the nine retreats into non-responsiveness

Is there Enneagram type with good compatibility with 9? I'd see how they deal with them constructively.

Retreats to: mute ignoring of the said, I don't want to discuss this, stopping the communication (as I need to say important truth despite who likes it, especially when the theme also relates to me).
"Nine" feels offenced by my "rude" words and "One" feels offenced by "disrespectful" actions to his side.
"Nine" see unpleasant arguing/discussion more as a form of personal aggression, than as a mean to find the decision. Hence, they protect themselves instead of thinking about the theme.
I heard from "Nine" strange words which may be interpretated like "you order me to have such opinion". They perceive the communication as a form of opponent's introjection/empathy union - so when thoughts with bad emotions appear, they protect own "self" from the opponent, instead of staying on external level of the theme.
Also I've noticed "Nine" may to use the thin border of their mind for self-hypnosis abbility, when you may hear from them primitive slogans like a woman in relations can to say "There are no other men for me", despite she may showed evident interest to them recently. Or she wanting to keep the relations may indoctrinate herself by "He completely fits my needs", despite signs of other. Even having strong Fi and being smart such woman may say "I love him" despite this contradicts to his and her behavior for years. This may be seen sometimes as lieing, but this is more of self-indoctrination. Also this abbility allows them easier to forget (even recent events) what arouse bad or contradictory emotions in them - what relates to dissociative disorders, to which "Nine" may to have predisposition, especially in case of F types.

> But you have to make things easy and comfortable enough for them so they'll work with you - picture coaxing a turtle out of its shell, think calm, patience.

To talk about other pleasant things in a _hope_ they'll think seriously what I said earlier. But it needs argumentation to understand my point, while if I'll stop explaining - they may don't get it. It would be so irrational to behave such from me, despite emotions push me to actions. Also having weak Ni it's hard, as I don't know when they'll turn to normal thinking about the theme.
Looks hopeless. No serious or emotional stuff can be dealed such in disputable/unclear situations. As the solution I see "One" should be accepted as a leader/authority, while "Nine" as subordinate formally. This may be applied in limited contexts though: husband->wife (traditional patriarchy), expert->client, boss->worker, parent->child, officer->soldier. "Nine" may influence back by indirect or by formally said ways, but should follow any directly said opinion or decision of "One".
Also IRL communication should be easier. As it has more of compassion and bi-directional emotional influence. While offline
seems problematic except neutral themes or when sides significantly differ in their status.
Taking this into account "Nine" may be attached to authoritarian/dominating personalities of bad IR (like LSI->ESI). They may deal with them having subordinative style of relations with minimized external conflicts. They may even think such relations as "good" due to this, while having no friendship/happiness in them and few of personal respect from a dominater. In such non-equal relations and with self-hypnosis abbility of "Nine" they may show suprisingly naive trust to what is said to them by a dominater, including unclear promises.

Thanks, squark, for the info

[ashlesha]

I heard from "Nine" strange words which may be interpretated like "you order me to have such opinion". They perceive the communication as a form of opponent's introjection/empathy union

this is really insightful! it makes those strange reactions easier to understand.

I'm not a 1, but I find squark's post to be spot on. also I might not get a resolution or closure about the issue in terms of explicit reconciliation or discussion, but can tell that they were actually present & listening via observation of behavior & subtle statements over time - this can be hard for rational types & Te/Fi valuers I think.

[squark]

Is there Enneagram type with good compatibility with 9? I'd see how they deal with them constructively.

7s tend to get along with 9s. And as 1s integrate to 7, becoming more like a healthy 7 also makes it easier to deal with 9s. Something 1s need to learn to do in order to be happy is to let go, and let things be "wrong" realize that it's not necessary or even desirable to fix everything. Even the idea can create resistance though, as I know exactly how this feels

But it needs argumentation to understand my point, while if I'll stop explaining - they may don't get it.

The compulsion to keep trying to fix things, and keep trying to explain is really strong, but you don't have to fix/solve everything. You have to practice just letting things be, little things that are out of place first. Then that urge to correct, it's like breaking an addiction hah. And notice that the world didn't fall apart. It's only when you can relax and let up on your critical pushy side that a 9 will feel comfortable around you. When things are happy and relaxed, you can then bring up your concerns in a friendly way.

A family member of mine is a 9, and I find her very hard to deal with because the direct kind of blunt approach I usually take accomplishes the opposite of what I intended to happen, and she doesn't want to listen. I have to bring things up really casually as some kind of passing idea that I just drop and leave there for her to take any of it in. She's still a kid, a teenager, and more mature 9s aren't as touchy but the same idea applies imo.

[Sol]

Something 1s need to learn to do in order to be happy is to let go, and let things be "wrong" realize that it's not necessary or even desirable to fix everything.

Not everything can be done such without negative consequences, as "peace of mind" will cost too much. It needs to follow my expert opinion sometimes and 9 should accept this. Also there are situations where pain to some degree is acceptable, - the "Nine" will need to improve the abbility to forgive me (or better to don't feel offended) - this will need to love me, and to think quietly.
As more universal method to deal with "Nine" I see traditional subordination man->woman - this will take off responsibility from 9 and they will take easier my decisions, so I'll not press more than need and their psyche will stay calm. Meanwhile, I'll need to train my empathy to take better into account what the woman wants to develop and correct my decisions. I suppose good IR and love will help with this - there is more personal trust to follow my decisions and high abbility to develop my weak functions for empathy.
[The feeling when you need to study a lot of psychology sh*t just to deal with a woman.]

> The compulsion to keep trying to fix things, and keep trying to explain is really strong, but you don't have to fix/solve everything.

I have to where 9 will can't do this herself in the needed time. And I do this, as I see no other ways. I may reduce the press (criticism and demanding), where I see this rises negativism of "Nine" too much making the action ineffective or harmful, - just emotional pain for both. The understanding of the border needs to be trained.

> And notice that the world didn't fall apart.

The world - not, but concrete interests of peoples - may. Time to wait for "Nine" 's enlightenment is not unlimited, and his resources to come himself to where is needed. Medical help makes people suffer, but this is better for them. Not all pain is so "bad" as "Nine" sees it.
The problem of "Nines" is too low pain border as they are too sensitive to peoples emotions, including own - they need to develop to be more loving, forgiving and wise persons with such thin emotional border. In other case they'll stay capricious children.

> It's only when you can relax and let up on your critical pushy side that a 9 will feel comfortable around you. When things are happy and relaxed, you can then bring up your concerns in a friendly way.

It's more for F-N types, than T-S ones. Situation of "happy and relaxed" will not help much when we'll strike by direct criticism. The situation easily will change to unhappy and unrelaxed and then 9's negativism will ruin the use and emotions of both. While time to achieve this "happy and relaxed" state will be lost for nothing. This needs more radical methods, and also training of communications skills and F-N region.

> She's still a kid, a teenager, and more mature 9s aren't as touchy but the same idea applies imo.

With age become lesser, but stay touchy anyway more than should.