Fi being wrong about relationships; your experiences

[justalitnerdxx]

Here's my situation.

I'm feeling very nauseous, shaken. Can we get relationships so wrong? I feel a fraud of a Fi ego.

Basically, I've found out a friend since high school who I still regularly kept contact with, has been two faced about me behind my back, making fun of my shyness, the fact I'm quiet and easily anxious.


I haven't confronted her yet. I have suspected for years, on several occasions that she didn't really have much regard for me but over time I have been convinced that it's me being paranoid and overly anxious, and have made excuses for her behaviour that has been caustic and sometimes flat out unkind. I did confront her last year saying I was unsure of our friendship but we patched things up, and as usual, I took on the responsibility as me being to fault for the upsets.


How could I have let this happen? As an EII I somehow ignored the signs of disrespect and let the toxic relationship continue, despite my gut sometimes telling me that things were off. I guess I've been so desperate to have a true blue friendship that I convinced myself that I did have one. Silly ideas of mine about 'friendship is magic' and the power of sticking together and having good times and support. I've been watching too much Sailor Moon and Fairy Tail I guess...

[Adam Strange]

So, you ignored her behavior before, but you see it clearly now.

You are getting healthier.

Like memories which we suppress, bad relationships often aren't recognized until we are strong enough to deal with them.

[ouronis]

Sounds like a growing up thing. Some people never realize it and have huge fights because they put too much trust in the friend. No matter how strong a bond is with any given person, they feel something about you that you'd feel hurt to hear, unless they are childishly naive. Try not to have such thin skin that small things like being made fun of for being shy affect you so much. Laugh at yourself just as much as other people do.

[justalitnerdxx]

@reverie oh my gosh that sounds awful! I'm sure you aren't weird. People can be so rude about those of us with anxiety disorders, like we choose to be overly squeamish and come across as jittery wrecks. I'm proud you confronted that false friend; I'm too scared to do that at the moment but I want to have distance from her. I spoke to my parents and my Dad (unsure of his type but we get on quite well) said he would have confronted the girl immediately then walked off (he is definitely more confrontational than I ever am!) but he commended my ability to act cool and not loose my temper, saying that my friend has always seemed jealous of me and I was too blind to my own good points and too trusting that others had the right character judgement on mez

I just feel so dumb and sick inside at the idea that someone who claims to be a friend could be so catty @Adam Strange I guess I had good faith in that she meant no ill will but yeah, I suppose the mask has worn off. I'm so shaken up that I got our relationship wrong but I suppose I should have trusted my initial thoughts when I was first hurt by her; I had depression a few years back and she chewed me out because I wasn't going out much or showing enthusiasm for an upcoming trip with her...even though at the time I was just starting anxiety medication and was off work for nervous breakdown...yeah she said I was being rude :0 then I should have walked away rather than grovel.

[justalitnerdxx]

What my friend did basically was messaging her brother about how dull I am because I'm quiet and don't really go out a lot to motorbike races, so they see me as being frigid and weird. Plus I startle easily when I'm there which they mocked me about before to my face. I seen the messages ;I didn't mean to but she had her phone angled near me, then when she realised that her screen was visible, she turned the direction, and I guess cause I didn't react it didn't highlight to her that I had seen anything. This has happened before, years back she left her phone out at a dance we went to on a text that was bitching about my outfit choice to our mutual friend, calling me slutty for wearing shorts and a vest. Again, I felt guilty for looking where her phone was even though it was open and right next to me,, thinking I was being deceptive. Again I never confronted her but did come over panic and sad, which another friend picked up on and I said I felt uncomfortable in my clothes and daunted by the crowds. Half baked truth.

[justalitnerdxx]

Thank you, @FlutteringShyxx

I've probably always been a little weird, haha.. most say I'm a little odd, eccentric, or 'unique', but I don't like when people act like it's a bad thing and drive people away from you, ya know? I think it's because I sometimes have esosteric intetests and I'm open and get enthusiastic about it. Or don't care to hide it. Plus my social anxiety, maybe. It's an odd combination, perhaps. Caring what people think, but still wanting to be yourself and accepted for it. lol. I have always had social anxiety, but I didn't start having anxiety problems really bad till my mid 20's. I think having kids is what did it. I think I also probably drink too much coffee. I've also been told I'm bipolar. I don't take any medication for any of it, though. I've tried, but I didn't care for how it changed my personality. I've struggled with depression. I usually hide in my house or avoid people when I get depressed because, yes, I'm very familiar with how some people can act about it. That's horrible how she treated you. She does sound jealous, picking apart everything you do.

Yeah, I confronted her in a really casual way. All I said was, 'I heard you told so and so I was weird and not to date me', like I was talking about the weather. She looked at my like a deer in the headlights, I just changed the subject, and we never talked of it again. I just wanted her to know I knew. I never confided in her like some of my other friends, though. We weren't really the same and I didn't feel she really understood me.

it sounds as if she didn't understand you at all! I'm the same really when it comes to fighting that feeling of being true to myself yet being too anxious so that I care too much about what others think of me being myself. Aaah the dilemma.

[aixelsyd]

Nothing you have written contradicts my experience-based understanding of Fi base.

That said, you just need to keep working on boundaries and prioritizing yourself. You have a lot to offer. Just don't waste it on people who do not reciprocate. Personally, I don't bother with people who don't show respect.