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Thread: The presence of your fellow qudra members - delta

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    Default The presence of your fellow qudra members - delta

    Inspired by this quote, I am reminded of specific instances where the simple addition of someone from my quadra had drastic take on my social situation.This quote sort of reminded me of some
    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    EIIs have the ability to detach from a situation or person, and often prefer this position because it permits better objectivity. This ability doesn't impact on the EIIs commitments or feelings toward someone or something whatsoever but it does give an (false?) impression of aloofness and or ambivalence. LSEs don't seem to allow people to detach whatsoever (often, in an in-ones-face type of way) and they certainly don't ever seem to be ambivalent. The EII will frequently address the LSEs aggressiveness with a passionate "sermon" delivered in a deflective (generalized, not aimed at anyone) sort of way, which has an unusual soothing effect. The dynamic does seem to soften each others outward appearances when in group situations - the EII becoming more animated while the LSE dials it down.

    The most stark situation I can think of is when an EII friend of mine visited for a weekend and stayed in my apartment that I was sharing with a ESE. This ESE was someone I didn't particularly see eye to eye about in terms of morality or how to go about things, so that's part of the problem. I imagine if the same EII visited one of my BFF ESE, it would not be nearly as drastic. Or, on the other hand, if my BFF ESE visited my then-apartment situation, it might have a positive impact. But the presence of the EII in this situation was extremely notable. Also, for comparison, the visiting of LII or SLI friends had much lesser change in my "feeling" of the situation.

    What changed feeling-wise?
    Maybe its because I'm social-instinct first in the ennegram that I'm aware of these things so much, I'll note that. Nevertheless, the addition of one other person, whom I had great trust and sense of moral security about, immediately changed the dynamic of the apartment, for me. It was a sense of pressure being gone - because, with the other person, who I knew and trusted less, there was a sense of being able to have confidence about certain relational or moral interventions, should they arise, or should I need to be able to comment on them. When it was just me and the ESE, there was a significant amount of unspoken tension about how to handle "Si stuff" and how to handle "EJ" stuff. I hate it when people rearrange my stuff without telling me , which happened a few times. And I significantly hate it when people leave isolated messes that inhibit functionality. The ESE was more concerned with presentation, "smelling good", and putting a lot of effort into things I found trivial or superficial. I also really disliked how they went about their relationships, but we never spoke about that openly.

    I've felt this sense of social/relational reinforcement mostly from delta NFs, although I realize I tend to gravitate towards the person with the strongest Fi (as in dimensionality here) - whatever situation I'm in. SEI IEI ESI and EII, which many of my "good" friends are, and by good I mean, reliable and durable ; although I have better other kinds of chemistry with other people, etc. I even relied TOO MUCh on this talent from delta NFs I had been in relationships in earlier in life. I've always felt very competent at task-oriented things, but mitigating interpersonal tension, much less so.

    But for me, there is such a strong difference between having nobody who has these qualities (that I trust in a relational sense especially about their ethical ... aptitude), and being equal or outnumbered by questionable people. I think it makes me a lot more hostile, and a lot more stiff and rigid about things. With SLI or LII, or other non-ethically strong types, I can do some mitigation and I do feel better, but I often feel like I'm posing, basically, or faking it.

    You have any experiences like this?
    Posts I wrote in the past contain less nuance.
    If you're in this forum to learn something, be careful. Lots of misplaced toxicity.

    ~an extraverted consciousness is unable to believe in invisible forces.
    ~a certain mysterious power that may prove terribly fascinating to the extraverted man, for it touches his unconscious.

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    Sure, sounds good.

    So basically you and ESE roomate were too similar in how you are and when there where differences you guys couldnt mitigate them comfortably. New person arrived and changed the dynamic because you could trust them. Basically they were a third wheel that just made it all finally work.

    The end.

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    Im sure I have had similar circumstances. Just can't recall any off the top of my head.

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    I'm generally not in tense long-term situations, so I don't have any experiences directly analogous to the roommate and friend. But I have noticed in my Crossfit and improv classes, there are some teachers/coaches that make me much more comfortable, and the way they do it is by noticing/appreciating what I do and conveying it in a way that feels genuine to me (while being someone whose opinion I value). They make me feel like I'm pretty good at the thing, despite not being good at it in ways that are more obvious to everyone. And this seems to embolden me when I'm in their presence.

    I'm not the fittest person in Crossfit, but some coaches notice subtler things, like that I'm actually pretty strong for a short woman, that I'm conscious of important details in form, that I just really love lifting and always show up to do the work. One in particular stands out, the one in charge of the Olympic-style weightlifting specialty class. I barely even know what he specifically did to make me feel like he liked me, but my Fi picked up on it so I really enjoyed that class! Also I would usually never give advice to other classmates on form, but his tacit support gave me the chutzpah to make a suggestion to someone else. He happened to be standing by and listening, and he validated me by nodding and just saying, "Exactly." And that's probably my favorite personal victory related to lifting but not related to a specific lift PR.

    I'm also not the person that stands out on stage in improv, but I'm always listening and I always have a creative idea for a connection/scene--so there will never be empty stage time or a feeling of someone's idea being dropped--I support my teammates' choices and the piece as a whole rather than trying to say the funniest thing on my own. I'm currently taking a five-week class that's a different teacher each week, and my favorite week was definitely the fourth week, when I felt like the teacher noticed my strong points and even pointed out specific things he liked that I did. This gave me the audacity to ask questions to make sure my classmates didn't do certain things--like I would ask, "Can we do X?" as if I wanted to do it or was actually asking, but I really just wanted him to tell everyone not to do them, and he did.

    This ramble is related to the thread bc I bet these coaches/teachers are Delta STs (from VI/how we feel about each other). They help me feel included and valued in the group environment and make me feel more able to suggest ways for others to improve--cough, i.e., tell others what to do more.

    It's not like my other coaches/teachers are assholes who never encourage me or their other students. I just feel like it's empty when they do it, like it's more out of obligation than out of genuine respect for me.

    It's also unlikely that EVERY Delta ST and I appreciate each other. Just that those rare "in-group" people who do notice and like me in group settings despite my overall quietness are probably Delta ST. Another EII or ILI (my main other friend types) is more likely to just also be in the "out-group," so we kind of split from the group and they don't change how I interact with the others.

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    I haven't had any experience with SLIs or LSEs but my boyfriend, my sister, my mum and best friend are all IEEs. I tend to perk up around them, be more extroverted, jokes I usually keep inside me pop out spontaneously and make others laugh. I let loose around them and can be the crazy me I am inside, especially around my sister and best friend. With my boyfriend it sometimes feels like I'm competing with him around other people haha. But it feels so damn good. Wish I could meet more LSEs and SLIs to see how it is, my dad is SLI but he's so uptight and I can't really be myself around him. And he thinks I'm some sensitive introvert which is not at all what I'm like around my mother and sister

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