Scarlet put the last of her hairpins up in her blonde hair while admiring herself in the mirror. As if the mirror were a camera, she spoke into the glass. “Those fools really thought I died in the blast when Proud Clod was defeated?”
She then casually opened up a drawer in her dresser and fondled two shiny bright pieces of Materia as if they were an alpha male’s testicles. “It’s called Final Attack + Revive materia combo, bitches. Kya ha ha ha ha ha ha.” She had to be careful to not ‘Kya ha ha’ so loud that it would get attention from anybody else in the Costa Del Sol hotel. She then shut the dresser and locked it with an ornate looking key.
Scarlet got up and spun around in a rather dramatic fashion. “They really think Shinra’s days are over? I am gonna rebuild this company scrap piece by scrap piece. It’s time folks.. to make Shinra great again!”
“Hey I thought that was my line?” Palmer said. The fat and stubby small-dick Republican man waddled in front of the taller woman. He looked up at her, paying special attention to her cleavage that creeped out of her red dress. “I’m the most like Trump after all. Kye kye kye kye kye.”
Scarlet slapped Palmer right across his stereotypical ugly old man face. “Palmer.. don’t you dare forget that I’m fucking this cat and you’re just holding its legs! There’s no reason a woman can’t lead this company, even if she is an evil narcissistic bitch.”
“Or maybe you should stick with the weapons lady.” Palmer then winked condescendingly at Scarlet.
There was a slight pause, and then suddenly, Palmer found himself being strangled with his own tie. “Good advice, but there’s no reason why I can’t be both President AND leader of the Weapons Development Department.” She pulled the tie tighter, causing Palmer’s cheeks to turn a purple hue. Just before he thought he was going to die or pass out, Scarlet let him go and Palmer could breathe again.
“Now since we made it very clear who’s alpha dog, I need you to fetch me some ingredients. I will be working on this list too but it’s quite long and I will need some assistance.”
Palmer really didn’t want to be choked like that again. “Y-yes ma’am” he said. “But how- how did you get so strong? A woman shouldn’t be that strong. Not to be politically incorrect- Oh who am I kidding, I love to be politically incorrect. Goddamn oversensitive sissy liberals wanting to save the planet? Don’t they know it’s all about Money money money!” Palmer threw a bunch of dollar bills out of his pockets.
“Hojo finally learned how to synthesize Strength Plus materia before he died. Of course I had to steal the formula and intimidate a bunch of nerds to make it just for moi. Forget money, pea-brain. It’s all about the materia!” Scarlet fingered the bracelet she was wearing, which was adorned with eight different types of materia that gave her many different skills and abilities. Her red dress too also had eight kinds of materia; enhancing the woman’s power greatly.
“I s-suppose I couldn’t just take…” Palmer tried to reach for the materia on the bracelet. Scarlet slapped him again, this time with so much force that he went flying back into the wall.
“How stupid do you think I am? I let you borrow any of this then you then might be strong enough to overtake me as President. Now be a good little Beta Male and fetch mommy a [Speck of Pure White Sand from the Ancients.] It’s located somewhere in the Junon Desert.”
“Just one special grain of sand in an entire desert whoa… how am I supposed to find that?” Palmer said.
“I don’t know figure it out you dumbass!” Scarlet said. “I will be too busy getting an item of my own.” Scarlet walked over to a curtain. “We have a lot of work to do if we are to revive this stud:” She then pulled a curtain rod down and a sketching of a fearsome looking beast could be seen on the wall.
“Alpha-Omega Onyx Weapon” Scarlet said with a smile on her face.
“Excellent” Palmer said.
Back at White Mage Temple…
Through the cheers and partying, Vanille had noticed that nobody had bothered to revive Rosa yet.
“What is wrong with you people? Don’t you know the rules of the universe! If you don’t revive a corpse within 4 minutes and 59 seconds after they die- the person cannot be revived at all! It was a sacred pact to maintain the balance between magic and reality a long time ago!”
“You’re a white mage too, why don’t you just do it?” Garnet said.
“Because the point is look at how selfish we’re being! When we’re supposed to be White Mages. Is it really Rosa’s fault that her female hormones are so potent she often can’t tell the difference between right and wrong?” Vanille stopped for a moment at how ridiculous that sounded.
Arc waved his hands and at the last possible second- Rosa was revived with a Full Life spell. “Are you okay?” Arc asked Rosa. It was just like the two-faced homo to alternate between compassion and cruelty.
“Shut up faggot. I knew you were laughing at me even though I was dead and technically couldn’t feel anything. I just knew somehow…”
Garnet frowned a little and put a hand on Rosa’s shoulder. “It’s okay… you still passed the test. You just came in last place. And well for many years now you always come in last place during our little trials.”
“We’re always taught as White Mages to heal the homeless and sick and to not let our emotions cloud our judgements. But the only two people I really care about healing is my hubby Cecil and my baby boy Ceodore!” Rosa said like a suburban heterosexual woman. “I am going to see them again now in fact. Fuck you again Arc!” Rosa then walked away from the group in her stripper outfit. One could hear her heels clacking loudly as they repeatedly hit the ground.
Yuna had finally made her way up the mountain. She arrived just in time to see Rosa leaving. “W-what’s the matter with her?” Yuna asked.
Meanwhile, in Besaid Village…
Lulu sighed to herself while pouring a cup of Chocobo Tea. The stuff was kind of nasty, but also cheap- and they had to make some gil-cuts now that she and Wakka had nine kids together.
Lulu felt her tummy. And she was pregnant with her tenth! A group of kids suddenly stormed into their small hut that was clearly not big enough for the size of their family. Lulu counted their little heads, making sure all were accounted for.
“Wendi, Wayne, Waylon, Winona, Wveryn, Wyatt, Wesley, Wren and … wait, where’s Warru?” Lulu said with a worried look on her face.
“I’m right here mommy!” Warru said, and stepped out of the closet. “I was playing hide and seek and you never came” he said in the cutest four-year-old little boy voice.
“Oh honey mommy’s tired” she picked Warru up and hugged him.
“Mommy can we see the ship sail off to Luca again?” Wendi asked.
“Pleeeeeeeaaaseee” all kids asked in unison.
“Oh all right. Just be home for dinner” Lulu said.
“Yaaaaaaay!” and with that, all the kids rushed out of the hut and into the world. Lulu admitted she was worried about them, but most everybody in the village pitched in to help her with her kids- and she dreaded turning into one of those neurotic and paranoid helicopter parents.
While the kids were gone, Lulu thought it was a good of time as any to get some ‘hutwork’ done. She began humming to herself while she folded a bunch of blankets and picked up some toys that were scattered about.
“I don’t know how many times I told Wren to not leave his fire truck out in the middle of the floor…” Lulu bent over to pick the truck over.
“Mommy- can I have some of your breast milk please. I’m hungry.”
Lulu suddenly and violently threw the truck towards the voice while she stood up and turned around. “You’re not my kid” Lulu said matter-of-factly.
Scarlet confidently whacked the toy truck out of the way before it could hit her in the nose. Smiling Narcisistically she said, “No. I believe I am not.”
Lulu stepped backwards as the evil bitch in the red dress stepped forward. “What do you want?” Lulu asked.
“I already said, black brain. Mother’s milk… from those rather succulent looking breasts you have” Scarlet said. “You know, I’m not gay or anything but damn girl.”
A strange looking woman comes into her hut asking for her…. breast milk. The fuck? “What for?” Lulu asked.
“That’s none of your concern” Scarlet said, edging closer. I already said too much to that Palmer dork instead of properly manipulating him Scarlet thought to herself. Lulu backed away again.
Scarlet then paced faster towards Lulu. Lulu was running out of space to ‘back into’ – and so she waved her left hand and telekinetically sent Scarlet flying back into a wall. “I suppose Wakka kept me barefoot and pregnant for too long. I could use a little action.”
Scarlet rushed at Lulu again, and Lulu double-casted Demi. Scarlet got a migraine from the attack and felt herself a little slower, but she cleaned herself up with a Cure 3 spell and Esuna magic. Fearing for her life- but somehow sensing Scarlet wasn’t technically a “boss”, at least not yet- Lulu waved her hands again and cast Death on Scarlet. It worked and Scarlet dropped over dead. This gave Lulu even more time to gain some distance.
Thanks to Final Attack + Revive Scarlet was back on two feet. “I’m gonna catch up to you eventually” Scarlet said. “You black mages have a lot of tools to keep your foes at bay. But once we get close….”
Lulu cast Scan on Scarlet- trying to get some intel on her. It was a new special type of Scan that also gave more detailed history about the person you’re fighting.
“Scarlet O’Hara…. Real name Cassandra Novak. HP: 590,000. MP: 78014. Halves all elements. Grew up as a Class-less woman and now craves power to get revenge on those that wronged her. You used to be poor and helpless- now you pick on others who are poor and helpless?”
“You really think yourself as poor and helpless?” Scarlet said. “Oh what you have you let men turn you into” Scarlet said.
“No, but I’m obviously pregnant” Lulu said. “It slows a girl down a –“ Scarlet had reached Lulu and began picking her up by her throat. “Give me your breast milk and maybe I won’t play hop scotch with the little worm growing inside of you.”
Scarlet got a pissed off look on her face though when the woman she was holding up vanished. She had gotten fooled by a Shadow Clone spell. This bought the real Lulu enough time to push a bookcase down on the back of Scarlet.
Angrily, Scarlet punched through the bookcase and revealed a bloodied and bruised fist. She hurriedly looked around, and Lulu was out of the Hut.
Casting Haste on herself, Scarlet zoomed out of the hut and quickly spotted the real Lulu.
With her Copycat Materia, Scarlet mimicked Lulu’s telekinesis and begun dragging the Mage toward her. Lulu dug her heels down into the Besaid dirt as she tried to stop the force from taking her. She also gently cradled her belly, telling her unborn son or daughter that everything was going to be okay.
Scarlet smirked as she magically dragged the Black Mage to her clutches.
Suddenly, a bunch of Besaid villagers toppled onto Scarlet, which distracted her and weakened the link she had between herself and Lulu. Enough villages tackled Scarlet that her hold on Lulu was finally broken. They teared at her red dress, pulled her hair, spat on her face- and although they were weak individually, together they were more than enough to handle the villainous bitch.
Scarlet had underestimated people’s concern for others, and didn’t expect everybody to just help Lulu out like that.
Scarlet growled angrily. She punched and kicked a few villagers off of her and stood up. Realizing she was outmatched and outnumbered she just shrilled: “Damn you all. You fools. All I wanted… was just a bit of her breast milk.”
“Oh – Lulu’s famous boob juice? You can just buy it in Mysidia. No need to kill her for it or anything” a fat know it all looking kid said. Those chubby NPCs from Final Fantasy X that everybody kinda hates.
Everybody in the village looked at the kid like ‘you moron, why did you just say that.’
“Mysidia huh?” Scarlet raised a brow and felt new-found strength surging inside of her. “That’s what I love about this town….” She then ripped out the fat kid’s heart for everybody to see. “Everybody’s so helpful.” Using his bloodied heart, she cast a teleportation spell and vanished away in a puff of red smoke. (The blood from the murdered NPC had also transformed Scarlet from looking beat up and thrashed to sexy and beautiful.)
An elderly looking woman who has a bias for woman who have a lot of kids because she herself was wise, heterosexual, religious and old – helped Lulu back on two feet. “Are you okay dear?”
“Yes…. We just have to find out what that woman wants with my milk.”
“To Mysidia…we’ll ALL go!” a naļve looking NPC said, triumphantly raising their fist in the air.
“No” Lulu advised. “There’s not enough world hoppers here and I cannot risk my baby’s life just to stop her. I don’t think we can stop her from getting my milk but we as sure as hell will stop her end game plan. Whatever that is.”
A few minutes later Wakka got back from his daily hunt. He proudly held up the head of a dead blue wolf all cocky and masculine like. He saw Lulu surrounded by a bunch of concerned villagers, and the scorch mark where Scarlet had recently teleported, as well as smelling the stench of a recently murdered body.
“What’s goin' on here, ya?” Wakka asked, feeling a little deflated as he realized his hunt didn’t compare to this.