In which particular sphere of life do you feel controlled by society's expectations? Which expectations cause you to experience intense negative emotions, powerlessness? How do you try to cope or compensate?
My concern of feeling powerless involves gender norms. People policing how a woman or man should look (especially that) and act like give me the creeps. I feel pretty much caged in by the assigned pigeonholes. Also, repercussions of not wanting to marry or have kids, of not wanting to be submissive and financially dependent or dependent in a broader sense. I am always panicking, what if I express myself in the wrong way. What if I can't express myself at all - I ended up pursuing a safe-seeming career path because of that fear, afraid to do what I really wanted, being an artist. What if I am attacked for my take on being a woman. I experience VERY intense negative emotions when another person is ridiculed for not adhering to whatever the gendered expectation is. For instance, girls who don't want to perform femininity (aka expensive masochistic self-mutilation and guilt-induced estrangement from one's natural state), men who are very upfront with their emotions (watching someone bottle everything up makes me want to cry), transgender people, people who don't want to be feminine or masculine alike, people who are agender or asexual.
I am very unsure about my outer appearance and behavior in general. I want to look attractive but are afraid to actually attract, that's quite a dilemma and one of my main concerns in life. I want to be openly sexual but know/fear I will get rebuked. I want to tap into every taboo, but I can't. I fear that it will be detrimental to my image and success. In fact, I am absolutely paranoid about how others perceive me, so I am not brave enough to show my true colors. Not once in my life have I felt that I could be entirely myself, say and do what I want. I ask myself, is it me or is it them. I focus so much on all of that because I feel that society is vigilant and out to punish me. I don't want to be punished, I just want to do what I want - and that is living freely without needing to fit into a box. So far, I have always encountered backlash for being different. It flatters and scares me equally. My security and identity is challenged and dissolved by it. What makes it worse, I know that my own internalized shame and weakness is at fault. I bought into these roles in the first place. I feel powerless because I want to be strong enough so bad, smash all the stereotypes, challenge all beliefs. But at the end of the day, I end up conforming to some degree and even more ashamed. I want to accept myself without correcting every flaw I perceive in myself and every step I take, but every disapproving word shatters all of that. Compensating works only through making myself either invisible (through isolation) or extremely threatening, "I appear like I will harm you in order not to be harmed myself." Coping with my problem by both conforming and not being true to myself, I am part of the general issue.


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Transgender politics are on another level when it comes to gender identity right there, drag is pretty much the first step. Your struggle with not feeling accepted is inherently linked to sexism: as long as feminine = inferior/weak/etc, femininity in men = inferior/weak/etc. The task of people like us is to prove that notion wrong and indeed be brave. I behave as male as I want to, you as female as you want to. I believe that me, as a woman, being masculine in one way or another is fantastic. I can razor down my hair, talk with a low voice and sit with spread legs (it's comfortable for me). I think that vice versa, feminine men, are fantastic too. Barbies, make-up, heels, dresses, long hair, everything of that and a man combined, fantastic. We deserve to be visible and worthy. <3 I think that only through self-confidence, you can conquer hateful people and mostly, yourself.


