Results 1 to 22 of 22

Thread: Conflict Styles

Hybrid View

  1. #1
    Olimpia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Europe
    TIM
    So/Sx Introvert
    Posts
    7,961
    Mentioned
    715 Post(s)
    Tagged
    8 Thread(s)

    Angry Conflict Styles

    Gottman has proposed that there are 3 functional styles of conflict management in couple relationships, labeled Avoidant, Validating, and Volatile, and 1 dysfunctional style, labeled Hostile. Using a sample of 1,983 couples in a committed relationship, we test the association of perceived matches or mismatches on these conflict styles with relationship outcome variables. The results indicate that 32% of the participants perceive there is a mismatch with their conflict style and that of their partner. The Volatile-Avoidant mismatch was particularly problematic and was associated with more stonewalling, relationship problems, and lower levels of relationship satisfaction and stability than the Validating matched style and than other mismatched styles. The most problematic style was the Hostile style. Contrary to existing assumptions by Gottman, the 3 matched functional styles were not equivalent, as the Validating Style was associated with substantially better results on relationship outcome measures than the Volatile and Avoidant styles.
    There is no test to determine which style you are – only the following descriptions.

    Avoidant Style:
    I avoid conflict. I don’t think there is much to be gained from getting openly angry with others. In fact, a lot of talking about emotions and difficult issues seems to make matters worse. I think that if you just relax about problems, they will have a way of working them- selves out.
    Validating Style:
    I discuss difficult issues, but it is important to display a lot of self-control and to remain calm. I prefer to let others know that their opinions and emotions are valued even if they are different than mine. When arguing, I try to spend a lot of time validating others as well as trying to find a compromise.
    Volatile Style:
    I debate and argue about issues until they are resolved. Arguing openly and strongly doesn’t bother me because this is how differences are resolved. Although sometimes my arguing is intense, that is okay because I try to balance this with kind and loving expressions. I think my passion and zest actually leads to a better relationship with lots of intensity, making up, laughing, and affection.
    Hostile Style:
    I can get pretty upset when I argue. When I am upset at times I insult my partner by using something like sarcasm or put downs. During intense discussions I find it difficult to listen to what my partner is saying because I am trying to make my point. Sometimes I have intensely negative feelings toward my partner when we have a conflict.
     

    Because a central question in this study is whether individuals match on their preferred conflict style, it is important to consider whether individuals can have more than one style of conflict. As an example, it is conceivable that for some issues people might be more avoidant whereas for others they might be more validating. However, in the current study, and in most studies on conflict, what is being assessed is an individual’s or a couple’s strongest tendency or overall approach to conflict, rather than a measure of what type of conflict they engage in during conversations on different issues. Nevertheless, this question about the uniformity of conflict styles suggests several potential avenues for more research on conflict that could uncover more complex patterns within and between couples, though they are beyond the scope of this study.


     

    Another important contribution of Gottman’s work from that of others is the distinction between an Avoidant style of conflict and withdrawal from the relationship (Gottman, 1993; Gottman & Levenson, 2002; Weger, 2005). An Avoidant style of conflict does not mean partners have withdrawn from the relationship. It means they prefer to handle conflict by not dealing with it directly and letting time resolve most problems. Couples with an Avoidant conflict style are still engaged in positive relationship experience even if they prefer to avoid overt conflict. Other researchers often consider avoidant behaviors as synonyms for withdrawal (Eldridge et al., 2007).
    In contrast, Gottman labels withdrawal from the relationship as ‘‘stonewalling’’ (Gottman, 1993, 1994). Stonewalling represents a deteriorated relationship process where partners are withdrawn from both positive and negative relationship interac- tions and have created a ‘‘stonewall’’ to keep their partners from affecting them. We found no research on this issue and therefore, in this study we investigate whether the distinction between an Avoidant conflict style and withdrawal (stonewalling) is relevant for couples.


     

    1. If either of the two ratings were ‘‘hostile’’ the couple was categorized as a hostile style.
    2. Ratings were combined across gender. For example, a couple would be labeled Avoidant/Volatile if one person was given an avoidant rating while the other was given a volatile rating regardless of gender.

    By following these procedures couple styles were collapsed into the seven conflict categories used in the analyses [...]. The most common style reported was Validating, representing 25.3% of the sample, and the Hostile style was the second most common, representing 23.6% of the sample. The least common couple style was the Avoidant matched style. Out of the almost 2,000 couples who were measured only 31 existed where both partners rated each other as Avoidant, representing only 1.6% of the sample. The Volatile matched style was also uncommon (4.9% of the sample). Overall, the matched regulated conflict styles made up 31.7% of the sample, while the mixed styles represented 31.6% of the sample (Avoidant-Volatile 12.2%, Avoidant-Validating 16.9%, and Volatile-Validating 15.5%).
    Individuals who reported a matched Validating style were less likely to experience stonewalling, more likely to be satisfied and stable, and more likely to report fewer problems in their relationship.
    The idea that matched styles would be superior to mismatched styles received mixed support. The mismatched styles that included at least one person who was rated as validating were significantly better in most instances than the Avoidant and Volatile matched styles; however, these mismatches were significantly worse than the Validating matched style. These results emphasize the ‘‘one is enough but both is best’’ idea. [...] Conversely, the ‘‘one is enough’’ idea is also supported by the results for relationships where at least one person is rated as hostile.
    The mismatched couple conflict style of Volatile-Avoidant was clearly less functional than most of the other conflict styles with the exception of the Hostile Style. As Gottman (1999) hypothesized, this extreme mismatch is associated with a variety of problems from communication difficulties and flooding to poorer relationship out- comes. While some couples may initially be attracted to the opposite style of conflict, as a volatile person may appreciate the calmness of the avoidant person and the avoidant person may appreciate the energy and passion of the volatile person, it does not appear to be a style that is associated with higher functioning for most couples.
    [...] [C]ouples where both partners prefer an Avoidant conflict style may be functioning well.


    P.S: I've found a pdf of this study some time ago. I cannot find a link to a free version at the moment.
    Last edited by Olimpia; 10-14-2016 at 10:43 PM.
    New Youtube [x] Get Typed! [x]
    Celebs [x] Theory [x] Tumblr [x]

    *********** 21-04-19:
    "Looks like a mystic that just arrived to battle and staring out at the battle, ready to unleash"



  2. #2
    Poster Nutbag The Exception's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    my own personal bubble
    TIM
    LII-Ne
    Posts
    4,097
    Mentioned
    103 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    Avoiding is probably the closest for me but I can see myself doing all of these from time to time.
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



  3. #3
    Melodies from Mars~
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    1,016
    Mentioned
    65 Post(s)
    Tagged
    3 Thread(s)

    Default

    Avoiding... though when it does happen I can be either hostile or validating. I don't think I'm much of a "Result" type when it comes to argument, so I kinda can be difficult to argue with when your intentions are to find the best agreement by taking the best of both of our opinions... It's like I can't compromise in a balanced, healthy way. I either avoid, give in without much effort, or just get defensive of my own if I don't see how I could be wrong.


  4. #4
    Queen of the Damned Aylen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Spiritus Mundi
    TIM
    psyche 4w5 sx/sp
    Posts
    11,347
    Mentioned
    998 Post(s)
    Tagged
    42 Thread(s)

    Default

    I probably have used all these styles, customized to the person I was with, but apparently the test thinks I am a "stonewaller".

    http://www.oprah.com/relationships/W...-with-Conflict

    Conflict Style?

    Whether you love a good argument or scurry at the first hint of a raised voice, how you handle discord can affect your happiness and health. Take this quiz to identify your fighting style.

    Exercise created by Debbie Mandel




    Illustration: Jen Troyer
    NEXT
    SLIDESHOW
    15 of 15
    You tend to think before speaking, so you're less likely to say things you regret. But you're also prone to holding your tongue in the hope that others will read your mind; when they don't, you get irritated.






    “My typology is . . . not in any sense to stick labels on people at first sight. It is not a physiognomy and not an anthropological system, but a critical psychology dealing with the organization and delimitation of psychic processes that can be shown to be typical.”​ —C.G. Jung
     
    YWIMW

  5. #5
    ouronis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    TIM
    ref to ptr to self
    Posts
    2,937
    Mentioned
    127 Post(s)
    Tagged
    2 Thread(s)

    Default

    All of them, but if I am not exceptionally stressed and am comfortable with the person, I do 70% validating and 30% volatile.

    Basically I do not find passionate discussion to be a bad thing unless it has hostile undertones (or is exceptionally misguided).

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Posts
    320
    Mentioned
    23 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    I'm definitely avoidant.

    I don't believe in showing my anger openly. If I'm angry with someone, I'll avoid being around them until I find myself no longer angry at them. I often go all the way out to avoid conflicts with people.

    One thing you can be sure about me is, you'll never see me insult people no matter how angry I am at them. I find that sort of behavior extremely rude. Just because I'm mad at someone doesn't mean they deserve to get verbally abused. They are still humans and they deserve to be treated with respect. Me being angry with them doesn't make them any less of a human, and I believe in treating people the way I want to be treated.

    People often never consider the impact of their words when they are angry, but trust me, a little insult that comes out from a person's mouth may end up shattering another person's world entirely and make them lose faith in humanity. I have been on the receiving end of verbal abuses by people when they are angry at me, and those words sure stings deeply and hurts like hell. I wouldn't want to do that to people I care about, because I know how it felt like to be on the receiving end of it.

  7. #7
    hiatus
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    تخت نور
    Posts
    373
    Mentioned
    51 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I would have called what is called "volatile" "direct" instead. There's nothing emotionally unstable about directly solving interpersonal problems.

  8. #8
    Olimpia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Europe
    TIM
    So/Sx Introvert
    Posts
    7,961
    Mentioned
    715 Post(s)
    Tagged
    8 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Hacim View Post
    I would have called what is called "volatile" "direct" instead. There's nothing emotionally unstable about directly solving interpersonal problems.
    Sounds like your Conflict Style is "volatile", then.
    New Youtube [x] Get Typed! [x]
    Celebs [x] Theory [x] Tumblr [x]

    *********** 21-04-19:
    "Looks like a mystic that just arrived to battle and staring out at the battle, ready to unleash"



  9. #9
    hiatus
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    تخت نور
    Posts
    373
    Mentioned
    51 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SisOfNight View Post
    Sounds like your Conflict Style is "volatile", then.
    Lol guess I made it obvious. I think that's my default method with dealing with issues but I also try to adapt to the other person. For example, if they get really upset or are really sensitive, I'll try to be more validating. If they react aggressively or are extremely defensive, I'll be more avoidant.

  10. #10
    Serious Left-Static Negativist Eliza Thomason's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    eastern U.S.
    TIM
    ENFp, IEE
    Posts
    3,527
    Mentioned
    361 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Dh and I are the most common style. Its easy, like our duality. I have noticed that when you have these kinds of everyday-easiness things going, God sometimes gives you extra challenges in life because He knows you can handle them. (And we have them, and with God's help we are handling them together).
    "A man with a definite belief always appears bizarre, because he does not change with the world; he has climbed into a fixed star, and the earth whizzes below him like a zoetrope."
    ........ G. ........... K. ............... C ........ H ........ E ...... S ........ T ...... E ........ R ........ T ........ O ........ N ........


    "Having a clear faith, based on the creed of the Church, is often labeled today as fundamentalism... Whereas relativism, which is letting oneself be tossed and swept along
    by every wind of teaching, looks like the only
    attitude acceptable to today's standards."
    - Pope Benedict the XVI, "The Dictatorship of Relativism"

    .
    .
    .


  11. #11
    C-ESI-Se 6w7 sx/sp ashlesha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    the center of the universe
    Posts
    15,798
    Mentioned
    909 Post(s)
    Tagged
    4 Thread(s)

    Default

    i think what comes most naturally to me is volatile, followed by validating (validating is more of a conscious effort and is easier the less emotional I am).
    but I adapt to the person...with a hostile person I become more hostile or hostile-avoidant. with an avoidant person I become less volatile.

  12. #12
    I sacrificed a goat to Zeus and I liked it
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Durmstrang School
    Posts
    2,845
    Mentioned
    164 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Oh no, the quiz is from Oprah. Why.

  13. #13
    Poster Nutbag The Exception's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    my own personal bubble
    TIM
    LII-Ne
    Posts
    4,097
    Mentioned
    103 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    How I did and don't fit each style. Actually hostile is probably the closest but I'm not proud to admit that. A mix of avoidant/hostile perhaps.


    Avoidant Style:
    I avoid conflict. I don’t think there is much to be gained from getting openly angry with others. In fact, a lot of talking about emotions and difficult issues seems to make matters worse. I think that if you just relax about problems, they will have a way of working them- selves out.

    ----I try to avoid conflict when I can. I don't think much is to be gained from being openly angry with people. Anger usually escalates conflict and makes things worse. I can't stand it when people unload their anger on me. On the other hand, problems rarely resolve themselves on their own. If you just let things build up too long eventually there will likely be an explosion.


    Validating Style:
    I discuss difficult issues, but it is important to display a lot of self-control and to remain calm. I prefer to let others know that their opinions and emotions are valued even if they are different than mine. When arguing, I try to spend a lot of time validating others as well as trying to find a compromise.

    ----I try to remain calm when discussing difficult issues but I don't know how effective I am because when someone is really angry or dissapproving of me, my instinct is to act defensive or angry back. Ideally, I would validate others and try to find a compromise but in reality I'm not sure I'm always as effective at that as I could be.


    Volatile Style:
    I debate and argue about issues until they are resolved. Arguing openly and strongly doesn’t bother me because this is how differences are resolved. Although sometimes my arguing is intense, that is okay because I try to balance this with kind and loving expressions. I think my passion and zest actually leads to a better relationship with lots of intensity, making up, laughing, and affection.

    ----Strong arguments and emotional disharmony greatly bother me and it doesn't feel natural for me to argue openly all the time. But if I feel strongly about something, I can argue quite heatedly, until its resolved. I don't think heated arguing makes for a better relationship necessarily though. I generally avoid heated arguments- it's more of a last resort or defensive tactic for me.


    Hostile Style:

    I can get pretty upset when I argue. When I am upset at times I insult my partner by using something like sarcasm or put downs. During intense discussions I find it difficult to listen to what my partner is saying because I am trying to make my point. Sometimes I have intensely negative feelings toward my partner when we have a conflict.

    ---I can get upset if it's something I feel particularly strongly about it or I think the other person is not validating what I say or feel. Occasionally I can use sarcasm or put-downs if I feel like I'm not being validated enough. I'm not proud of that reaction. Conflicts stir up intense emotions in me and I can feel quite negative feelings towards my partner if I don't feel like I'm being heard or if it's something I feel really strongly about. Sometimes in such situations, I don't listen to my partner closely enough, especially if I don't like what my partner is saying or if my partner says things I would perceive as potentially hurtful.
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



  14. #14
    Poster Nutbag The Exception's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    my own personal bubble
    TIM
    LII-Ne
    Posts
    4,097
    Mentioned
    103 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    Okay I did the Oprah quiz thingy and got:

    You're a BOXER!

    You thrive on accomplishment, so you tend to see conflict as a winner-takes-all competition, even if it means resorting to jabs or low blows when tensions spike.

    Rules of Engagement: When emotions run high, avoid fueling the fight with generalizations ("You're never there for me") or long-buried slights ("You barely talked to me at last year's party"). Recasting the point you want to make as a "feeling" statement ("I felt undervalued when you forgot my birthday") will help your opponent not get defensive. But if you sense that you're getting too heated, suggest tabling the conversation until you've had a chance to cool down.



    Hmmm, I wasn't quite expecting that but I can see how it fits, well sometimes.
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



  15. #15
    C-ESI-Se 6w7 sx/sp ashlesha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    the center of the universe
    Posts
    15,798
    Mentioned
    909 Post(s)
    Tagged
    4 Thread(s)

    Default

    I got stonewaller like @Aylen. Eh.

  16. #16
    Darn Socks DirectorAbbie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Southwest USA
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    7,123
    Mentioned
    381 Post(s)
    Tagged
    2 Thread(s)

    Default

    I think I have the Validating Style.

    The test said I'm a Smiler.

    LSE
    1-6-2 so/sx
    Johari Nohari

    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

  17. #17
    bye now
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    1,888
    Mentioned
    36 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Pretty sure I'm avoidant. THe Oprah thingy gave me...

    Smiler

    Cucumbers have nothing on your cool facade—even when you're hurt or stressed, your smile doesn't waver. But people-pleasing can be a dead end: Your opponent doesn't know what you truly want, and you're mad at yourself for saying one thing when you mean another.

    I mean I do tend to do that. But if something is really serious or I'm really agitated, I can and do unload on people without caring anymore.

  18. #18
    I've been waiting for you Satan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Behind you
    TIM
    sle sp/sx 845
    Posts
    4,925
    Mentioned
    146 Post(s)
    Tagged
    16 Thread(s)

    Default

    The Oprah thing gave me Diplomat:

    You're a great negotiator and a crackerjack problem solver. During conflicts, your first impulse is to smooth things over ("If you're upset that I canceled our lunch, why don't we get together tomorrow instead?"). Your quick-fix knack is noble, but it can prompt you to act before you fully understand the situation—or how you feel about it.

  19. #19
    Pookie's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    TIM
    IEI-Ni 6w5-9-2 So/Sx
    Posts
    2,367
    Mentioned
    110 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I think all of those sound bad.
    Projection is ordinary. Person A projects at person B, hoping tovalidate something about person A by the response of person B. However, person B, not wanting to be an obejct of someone elses ego and guarding against existential terror constructs a personality which protects his ego and maintain a certain sense of a robust and real self that is different and separate from person A. Sadly, this robust and real self, cut off by defenses of character from the rest of the world, is quite vulnerable and fragile given that it is imaginary and propped up through external feed back. Person B is dimly aware of this and defends against it all the more, even desperately projecting his anxieties back onto person A, with the hope of shoring up his ego with salubrious validation. All of this happens without A or B acknowledging it, of course. Because to face up to it consciously is shocking, in that this is all anybody is doing or can do and it seems absurd when you realize how pathetic it is.

  20. #20
    Poster Nutbag The Exception's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    my own personal bubble
    TIM
    LII-Ne
    Posts
    4,097
    Mentioned
    103 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Pookie View Post
    I think all of those sound bad.
    Even the validating style?
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



  21. #21
    Pookie's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    TIM
    IEI-Ni 6w5-9-2 So/Sx
    Posts
    2,367
    Mentioned
    110 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by chips and underwear View Post
    Even the validating style?
    Yeah.

    I discuss difficult issues - a relationship will pretty much always fail if this isnt covered. Thumbs up.

    it is important to display a lot of self-control and to remain calm. - it is not important to display anything. Displaying is done to appear a certain way to others. Validation seeking. Its a behavior that puts a burden on your partner and eventually pushes them away. In addition, remaining calm is good if you are actually calm, but if its something youre not calm about, you shouldnt discuss it calmly. It obfuscates the importance of it, and eventually that repression builds up and suddenly you explode over spilt milk. Making minor issues carry a heavier weight than the ones that actually bother you.

    I prefer to let others know that their opinions and emotions are valued even if they are different than mine. - Yeah. Unless their opinions and/or emotions make their life worse. I wouldnt cater to someone whos getting upset over something commonplace. Sympathy in that matter is counterproductive and incentives feeling bad rather than growth. And what if their opinion is unacceptable, like that mexican people are lazy. She cant have that, because she cant teach our kids that line of thinking.

    When arguing, I try to spend a lot of time validating others as well as trying to find a compromise. - a partner that needs constant validation is not someone who will last. If its an ingrained behavior in you, thats who youll attract. Someone without a strong sense of self, and someone who needs outside affirmation of worth. That person is almost always unfaithful.

    Yeah, I think that one is full of bad consequences too.
    Projection is ordinary. Person A projects at person B, hoping tovalidate something about person A by the response of person B. However, person B, not wanting to be an obejct of someone elses ego and guarding against existential terror constructs a personality which protects his ego and maintain a certain sense of a robust and real self that is different and separate from person A. Sadly, this robust and real self, cut off by defenses of character from the rest of the world, is quite vulnerable and fragile given that it is imaginary and propped up through external feed back. Person B is dimly aware of this and defends against it all the more, even desperately projecting his anxieties back onto person A, with the hope of shoring up his ego with salubrious validation. All of this happens without A or B acknowledging it, of course. Because to face up to it consciously is shocking, in that this is all anybody is doing or can do and it seems absurd when you realize how pathetic it is.

  22. #22

    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    158
    Mentioned
    18 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I'm straight up hostile most of the time.

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •