Question about type 4 women
I am Swiss and have been interested in the Enneagram for two decades. I hope, my English is fine enough to put my following question in a comprehensive way. It's regarding stress and growth arrows of type 4. I am a 1f9, sp/sx.
Now the question: I have been dating a few 4s during the last few years, with few I was in a relationship, some of them were just a short term attraction. Some with 5 wing, some with 3 wing. Some sx, some sc, some sp.
I always felt the following: Their stress arrows always seem rather 1ish than 2ish. 4s - according to my own finding, can be strong, determined, only seemingly affectionate / needy, in their core mostly strong (8s have a soft core, hard shell - 4s have a hard core, soft shell - in general). But if it comes to stress, I never felt a 2-like energy with type 4. Why that?
Maybe the 4s I knew weren't 4s, but 8s or 1s. I might confuse the 4 - 8 - 1, but then I think it over and come to the conclusion, that 4 is correct.
Maybe the not-so-mature type 4 can show a certain aggressiv behaviour more often than the gut types 1 and 8 (1s want to avoid anger, 8s don't I know). But then, why I never feel the 2 in a 4? I know, that a healthy 4 develops the energy of the 1 in a not-aggressive, but in an authentic and mature, balanced way.
Can some 4s (or other types) help me to clear up my mess :-).
Thanks a lot!
Addition: I seem to confuse the aggressive, resolute, self-determined energy of a type 1f2 sx and type 4f3 sx. How to distinguish them?
Last edited by Felix 1f9; 07-03-2019 at 04:33 PM.
Reason: I shortened my text a bit
1 is body-based, so a 1 will come off as inhabiting their body and comfortable with doing/action. 4 is an image type ruled by shame and self-consciousness. a 4 will come off as sort of fragile, shy, 1s won't. also 1s are way more moralistic and morally judgy whereas 4s are judgy in other ways. actually 1s are hyper-focused on others, what they're doing right/wrong. 4 is hyper-focused on themselves and how they are coming off, they have a hard time getting out of themselves around other people.
I seem to confuse the aggressive, resolute, self-determined energy of a type 1f2 sx and type 4f3 sx. How to distinguish them?
this might be helpful:
Since Ones and Fours are so different, it might seem strange that they can be confused. The confusion seems to arise when a One (who may be going to Four under stress) begins to think that he or she is a Four. Invariably, Ones who misidentify themselves as Fours focus almost exclusively on the traits of the unhealthy Four and not on the type as a whole. Because they feel melancholy, depressed, and alienated from others, they may convince themselves that they must be Fours. If Ones have been having more severe difficulties, they may be "shunting" to Four more continuously to avoid falling into even more unhealthy Levels of type One–a far more serious problem. At such times, Ones are typically guilt-ridden, feel worthless, and are subject to excruciating self-contempt and self-hatred. (They may even felt suicidal). Their confusion would clear if they were to look at themselves historically and see both themselves and the Four as a whole.In the average Levels, Ones usually attend to their responsibilities first, and deal with their feelings later. Their lack of focus on their feelings is actually one of the main causes of their not infrequent depressions. (It is also worth mentioning that Ones are one of the types more vulnerable to depression.) Fours, on the other hand, want to sort out their feelings first, and deal with their duties after they have worked through their emotions. As a result, they may have difficulty mobilizing themselves to meet responsibilities. Most Ones would not give themselves permission to "indulge" their feelings in this way for very long. For lower average Fours, non-productively dwelling on their feelings can be the rule rather than the exception.
Despite these differences, there are similarities. Both tend to be perfectionistic and dissatisfied with things as they are. Both are often frustrated with themselves and their environment, and can be perceived by others as fussy, or picky. Both can be very particular about their environment and the "rules" that they want others to observe in their personal space. ("No one comes in here without removing their shoes.") Both types can be angry: average Ones are frequently critical and irritable, but usually over others' inefficiency or failure to follow agreed upon procedures. Average Fours are often critical and picky over others' lack of awareness of their sensitivities. The may feel irritable about others' apparent coarseness. Similarly, Fours can also become resentful when they feel that others' do not appreciate their depth and creativity. If upset in this way, Fours attempt to punish the offenders by coldly withdrawing emotionally or even physically. They refuse to engage in further communication. Average Ones do not withdraw from people. On the contrary, they press themselves and their opinions on others with increasing urgency as they become angrier at what they see as the irresponsibility of others.
It is also possible for an occasional healthy Four to be mistaken for a One; such a misidentification would, however, be a compliment to the Four since it indicates that he or she has integrated to One and is living with purpose beyond the self. Fortunately for them, some Fours actually do integrate and begin to manifest the reason, moderation, and attraction to objective values of healthy Ones. Further, some Fours may well be teachers and in a teaching situation be called on to move beyond their feelings and interior states. But a Four who has genuinely integrated some of the healthy qualities of type One is still a Four—and besides having either a Three-wing or a Five-wing, other important characteristics, will continue to be present in the Four's overall personality
Thanks a lot, India, that helps. On an other forum I got the clue: "The disintegration of 4s to 2 IS very 1-ish. They tend to want to help you and support you by preaching to you from a position of moral superiority and authority." This further cleared up my confusion. So, all the women I supposed to be 4s actually were 4s. And not 1 or 8. Thanks again.