I was surprised to read about benching. I have let relationships taper off before, and I didn't associate that with being sx-first, but maybe it is. I guess my thinking on this is that a relationship can be intimate or impersonal or anything in between, and it is the actions which are repeatedly taken by the participants which determine its exact nature. The nature of the relationship is related to the effort put forth and the purposely arranged circumstances, rather than, say, a letter of commitment.
Originally Posted by Starfall
I also tend to have a lot of relationships going at once. For me, this is not an ego thing (at least, I don't think it is) or a back-burner thing (I find this repellent), but rather it is a way to slowly learn more about several people over time. I read that when someone is lacking in their first function's needs (sx-intimacy for me) they use their second function (so-social for me) to achieve those needs. But once I do find a close relationship, I simply fall back and stop looking at anything else. I don't think it is healthy to simply look at someone you just saw five minutes ago and say "You look incredibly good, let's form a permanent partnership". I also do get bored with some people, but not with others. I imagine that everyone is this way. When I find someone whom I like a lot, I tend to keep talking to them. Sometimes, indefinitely.
When I was first learning about my ex-wife, I was pretty slow to commit. It was six months of dating before I thought she might be permanent material. I raised the question of how she felt about marriage, and she (SLI e5 sp/so/sx - desire for security and independence) said that we should not get married, but instead she would continue living in her apartment, I in my house, and we could just see each other a few times a week for whatever. I told her that that was not a life I could live (LIE e8 sx/so/sp - desire for merging and support), and we would either get closer or get farther apart.
She agreed to be married, then years later she moved back to an apartment and we got divorced when it finally became clear to me that I could not get her back.
I should have listened to her when she told me who she was, because she never changed what she basically needed. On the other hand, if I had done that, we would never have had a son.
I sacrificed a goat to Zeus and I liked it
Hey, there's only one person here who is Sx-first, don't you know?
Queen of the Damned
“My typology is . . . not in any sense to stick labels on people at first sight. It is not a physiognomy and not an anthropological system, but a critical psychology dealing with the organization and delimitation of psychic processes that can be shown to be typical.” —C.G. Jung
Here is what it feels like to be an sx-first without a partner:
It's pretty much all there.
virtually all of my prior self-destructive behavior has been tied to feeling unworthy in the sx sense. So SI, self-harm when I was a teenager and into very early 20s. Feeling like "my body is being stretched and ripped apart" from the "pain" which usually had to do with the slightest sign of 1) rejection from someone I was attracted to and/or 2) him showing interest in someone else. Chronic SI. I just assumed I was internally ugly and scary. That "pain" thing would also happen other times. Trauma from this adding up over the years; actual dissociation, like everything was through a fog and sitting in my chem class, it was like I wasn't quite there, I was hearing everything as if from distance. Derealization. Depression. Idk, any serious mental health struggles I have had are all owing to SX and they started when I was 13~. And I couldn't help it either - having crushes I mean, especially as a teenager. I couldn't just tell myself "I will concentrate on myself and forgo relationships for now"; that is literally alien to me, I don't know how to do it. So once I stopped crushing on one person, I had another, and on and on. In a way chapters of my life are divided up or organized in my mind by the person I was obsessed with at the time. Crying spell from panic after class because I saw him flirt or you know - show clear interest in someone else. I would keep it to myself except for my closest friend. Kind of just bottled in until I was trembling or dissociating in the bathroom. It didn't take a lot to trigger me, I was very fragile as a teenager. I have grown a thicker skin and I will try not to get emotionally invested in people I am attracted to from now on, as an adult, but triggers will always be triggers. This wasn't some isolated instances, it's how my life has been since I was 13, constantly, except for some respite when I get depressed and barely feel things. And then I like someone again and it all comes back. But next time I will try to emotionally detach and keep myself emotionally safe - something I have never done in the past. I guess in essence jealousy was the trigger.
and yeah I guess I have always been "intense"; but its the water I swim in so to speak so I never even thought about it. Intense and emotionally reactive/unstable. Not in a way that's like veritable delusion or something, I was never that sick, but still internal intense emotional lability due to these triggers bringing up really strong and painful emotions all of my worst fears - some worse than death - surrounding intimacy or not being good enough or whatever.
Point being there's literally not much else to my life, these obsessions consumed my thoughts to the point they became my life. I didn't really have SP concerns at the time, and barely any SO concerns. I never complained to my friend about peer pressure or feeling left out (I kinda pulled myself out anyway) or any of the mundane everyday life things. Not on my mind at all.
Anyways, I can see some of that as distorted now, so. I have also realized I have not seen myself accurately, and people also haven't seen me accurately in some significant ways. I am older now and I have resigned myself to the fact of the matter - virtually no one I have been attracted to (and I have been attracted to several) liked me back, which likely means this will be the case in future. So now I am emotionally prepared with somewhat of a thicker skin.
Gosh, this is so relatable..the sensitivity to little things which indicate some form of interest in someone else, as well as the feeling of one's "body being stretched and ripped apart." I'm sorry. My depression and emotional struggles are always most severe in relation to attachment issues, which manifest in the form of sx-preoccupance for me also. But that doesn't seem like much compared to what you've been through. I hope that, in spite of being in an unfulfilling spot in your profession, you can find someway to get some form of emotional support and therapy for yourself as well.
Originally Posted by asd
Last edited by asd; 04-09-2021 at 11:27 PM.
I guess this is going to come out in multiple posts, mostly because there is a lot there and I don't have the patience to put it all in one big post
I related to Naranjo (as described by Chestnut) Social 4 because I am very sad, lamenting etc. and friends who know me will probably attest to it. They will also likely pick out Sexual for me when shown instinct descriptions. It's just something I seem to have missed the first time I typed myself. Anyways, because social 4 fit me better (I have some social in me, being social second) and SX 4 not at all (I think they just messed up that description, and probably other descriptions), I did not type as such. I also did not want to type myself as a type "who can attract people without even trying" or whatever. I envied "SX firsts" the first year or so as I typed so/sx.
Anyways, close friend I was interacting with at the time, SX first herself, pointed out the obvious to me. The thing is, I knew I have had issues around attraction, but due to 1)lack of real relationship experiences and 2) the trauma that would accompany accepting my worst fears - I did not realize my fears had to do with attraction. When I said I felt repulsive inside, or that "no one would love me," I was talking about attraction. The core of it was just suppressed deep down because admitting to myself this is my Achilles heel would also mean admitting my worst fears might be true - I am not good enough. I am scary, a turn off - my worst fears ever in my entire life. Unverbalized, unintegrated, unprocessed.
When I was 19~ I took a shard of glass and carved "UGLY" onto my thigh due to all of the rejection and pain over the past 6~ years adding up. Dissociating, stressed out, traumatized. My undergraduate years and the end of my high school was the worst for me. I think I re-carved it a couple of time following couple of years. It was shallow enough though that today you cannot tell a word was etched into my skin there. Almost all the scars are very faint.
It's processed somewhat now, clearly, which is why I am writing about it. It took me a while to come to terms with it. It's the heart of the wound, basically. The one that has made life hell for me - excruciatingly painful. I don't truly believe horrible things about me but I swing between okay and unhealthy self-esteem today. At least sometimes I am okay.
Last edited by asd; 04-09-2021 at 11:44 PM.
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