in the past i've always become deeply obsessive with all of my thoughts and feelings coming to revolve around the other person... and i definitely don't want to lose him, ever. i may have changed this about myself by now though, i don't know, in part because i decided it was abnormal... but mainly i'm tired of the suffering it causes and i just don't want to do it again... but i won't really know until next time (if there is a next time).
generally though i'm not actively looking for someone to do be with (i am *rarely* in a relationship) and i move that aspect entirely into my mind/fantasy life. i suppose i did that originally to cope because after i lost the first person i was with romantically i (dramatically) just didn't want to live anymore. the first year after was full of intense suffering and longing and every day was painful. no one else could ever be him, and so i wasn't interested in anyone. the year after that was more a milder background pain and that was when i started using fictional characters to break the rest of the connection.
it took a long time to get over, so long that once i was finally free of that attachment it stuck out as a terrible lesson. and i remember the moment the attachment finally let me go (it felt like *it* was letting *me* go), i saw it (it=all those feelings through the years) come out of me and disappear through my bedroom window, and it was like i had been under this choke hold for so long and could finally breathe again. i don't want to repeat that sort of experience/ordeal ever again. however, the obsessive pattern has reemerged a couple times (it's amazing how once in a relationship, i flip into this... it's almost like i become an sx first?), and i've spent a lot of time working on myself to prevent this from recurring. too much of me becomes merged with the other person and it costs me too much after they leave.
i type sp-first because of my need for sanctuary where no one can intrude on my privacy or alone-time. because instincts are so confusing, i've considered other stacks, like so/sp... it all depends on interpretation. i don't really relate to the intense lifestyle interpretation of sx, so if that is what it is, it may be sx last while i'm just relationally obsessive. the only way i would live a more intense lifestyle would probably be if it was initiated by a romantic partner, but i crave things from the underground in general, and i am attracted to the "intense lifestyle" in my mind (i'm deliberately being vague). my preference of hiding from the world seems kind of sp first to me--but depending on interpretation it could be socially maladaptive so-first.
one interpretation of sx-first can be that they actually go through a lot of partners because they first and foremost are seeking an intense connection, and simply because every relationship is intense doesn't mean it's the kind of ideal connection they are after (the idealism can lead to always seeking ever more intensity?). i'd also expect more of an intense push-pull in relationships than what i do--i'm more "boring," stable and devotional. i think that sp-first could be more likely to hang onto one person and one deep connection for dear life: "i can't live without *you* in particular" sort of obsessive thing.
my emotional well-being (sp) depends on this connection (sx) ?



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