When I fall for someone (as in, really fall in love), I latch onto the person and become obsessed, not only with the guy himself, but his life. I want to know everything about him, from childhood illnesses to previous relationships to every single detail of his career, etc. I try not to be intrusive and needy and generally succeed, but I love it when they talk about themselves because I feel like they let me in. When the person needs space, I can understand it intellectually, but I am still hurt and feel rejected ("how can you claim to love me and not spend every minute with me?"). My sx-first ex and I were always in close proximity at home (in the same room, right next to each other) and that felt right. I want to share everything with them, especially experiences. The best thing my current love interest said to me was "I want to make moments and memories with you." Experiences and adventures are the most important thing of my life and if I can share them with that one person, I am truly happy. The more exciting and new, the better.
I want them to be part of my life in every shape and form even if they can't actively participate in everything. I understand that they sometimes can't be part of all of it, but I want them to want to be. SLE won't be able to travel much with me because of job restrictions, but I know he would love to and that's good enough. I have to force myself to keep my own life to make sure I can cope with losing the person. But my natural inclination is to go all in, make all the sacrifices, and find all the compromises to engage fully with the person. While I love that person and he loves me back, I am intensely loyal because I cannot conceive of connecting with someone else like this because my focus is fully on him. I tend to idealize the person and I get hurt easily when I feel criticized or neglected. I can get extremely depressed, anxious, and/or angry if things are not right in my relationship and it can be extremely difficult to keep my life together in that case.
However, if the person wrongs me and my loyalty, I am done. Because I feel so strongly about the relationship and give it to so much space in my life, I feel wronged and betrayed if someone takes advantage or cheats or lies about his feelings. I want him to be either all in or not at all. I would never go back to a previous relationship because that bond has been compromised. When I have been betrayed, I move on fairly quickly.
When I decide I want something, I go after it. I decided at 16 that I wanted to live in the U.S. and have worked towards that since then. I sacrificed financial security and a comfortable life with a high salary and being close to my family and a support network for my current career and for living in the U.S. I decided to go for a degree with which I ran a legitimate risk of not finding a job. I have been vulnerable for 16 years with regards to losing a job or not being able to function because that would have meant losing everything, including my visa, and having to leave and start over. When I had cancer, my doctor suggested that I go back home to have a support network and time to recover (and free treatment). But I was not willing to risk my career and my visa, so I decided to tough it out alone. My doctors did not like it because of possible complications, but for me it was the only way, so I took the risk.
When I am interested in an issue, I want to know everything about it (which is why my career is pretty perfect). I read everything I can find, talk to people, and write about it, until something else comes along. I do shift from one thing to the next, but while I am on something, I am obsessed with it.
I can take care of myself and my obligations, but I readily spend money and otherwise sacrifice for a person, a goal, or a cause. I would drive six hours to an airport if it means I can see my loved one for 30 minutes or buy a ticket and fly around the world to meet someone for a day. It's exciting to me and I don't care about losing money, time, and other opportunities. I cashed out my retirement fund so I can live close to the beach and lost quite a bit of money over it, but it was entirely worth it.


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