Why I identify as sx first...

 

I'm a serial monogamist. I had a tendency to get involved in a relationship really quickly. At the start there is so much potential to it. But as time shows inconsistencies and mismatches I would end the relationship for both our sakes, and before I knew it I would be in another one, just as intense, feeling just as much potential to it. And so the cycle would continue.

R is the only one that's fit just right, in all the right places. And so that particular part of my search has ended. Though I did find myself falling into old patterns of being nearly obsessed with a couple of other people, none of them could ever have as much potential to fit right as R already does.

In non-romantic relationships, my curiosity about someone can be so strong that they get a ton of my attention until that curiosity is satisfied, and then unfortunately, my attention moves elsewhere. This redirection of my attentions have unintentionally caused ill feelings and disappointments and a sense of being used by the person I had been so interested in. They expected that type of attention would last indefinitely.


 

Most of the Sx descriptions focus on a relationship with another person. But in my opinion it's not just people that can receive this kind of attention. Even though my search for a partner that fits me is over, I'm still constantly seeking something to fill that sense of incompleteness I feel. Like I'm broken or missing something and trying to find that one piece that will fill the chink.

I'm constantly researching new ideas, trying to...inhale....embrace....whatever it is I am learning about. I collect everything I can on it, gather as much info as I can on it. But it can get so intense that I'm going to inevitably burn out and need to step away from it and do some self-care and recoup.

But it's also not just in researching that I do this all-out thing. It's also in projects, ideas that i want to implement or more physical things that I want to try out. Again I will initially go all out on it. Research for the best items needed for it, buy everything I can for it so that nothing would block my way from pursuing it. And then once I have everything, i feel good that if i just take a short break to recoup, then I can just pick it up and start it. But i don't. Because after my break I get intensely focused on yet another possible project/idea.

This constant cycle has been so frustrating to me. I've collected all these really nice tools and books from all those old aspirations. And I feel overhwelmed when i see them. There,s no way I can actually do them all. I've had my living room and a full shed filled with boxes of these old aspirations. I've been going through them and weaning them out, selling books at the used bookstore, even giving away stuff to friends who actually pursue those interests. I've finally got it down to shelves on three sides of my living room filled with boxes of books and notes and tools from a little over a dozen aspirations. And still I keep finding myself looking and researching for more. Argh!

I am, however, getting better at re-aligning myself to the aspirations that are meaningful to me. Every once in a while I step out into other stuff, but I'm getting better at holding off on buying anything until I've recentered enough times that I can let those impulses go.


Tldr: I guess in summary, I totally identify with the 'hungry ghost' descriptions of sx.