Quote Originally Posted by Lily View Post
I have this intrusive memory that goes something like this: a girl from my highschool friended me once upon a time. . *snip* . . She basically just sort of flashed me a disinterested "who are you" look after that brief flash of recognition you get in the first couple seconds you lock eyes with someone.
your story, and anndelise's anecdotes sounds seriously unpleasant. i can relate to what anndelise said about having people with different religious/political views as friends, and how it can make you second guess what you post - i really don't like that feeling either. i try, sometimes unsuccessfully, to ignore it when i have the desire to post something that may annoy others, because hell, it's *my* FB and if they don't like it, they don't have to read it.

i haven't had any seriously nasty experiences on FB before. though this reminds me of the time when i was in early high school, when MySpace was the primary social media platform - it had the "Top 8 Friends" feature. you couldn't get rid of it, you *had* to choose 8 friends of yours to display here, in a certain order. i hated that, because i was always worried that i was offending *someone* who didn't make the list, or who was lower in the list than they may have thought. so one day i removed the 8 friends of mine who occupied those spots, and replaced them with music bands that i liked lol. it was an attempt to be neutral and inoffensive. of course, it ended up having the opposite effect, when a couple of people who were previously on this list asked me soon after why they weren't on my Top 8 - they were obviously hurt. soon after that, i deleted my MySpace account and never made another one again. i really couldn't deal with that. it was part of the reason i didn't make a FB until 2013 (much later than most people i know).

re: your story, if i had been interacting with someone online intimately, and then they acted like this when we actually encountered each other IRL, i would feel betrayed. i wonder if it's possible that she felt awkward at facing you IRL. it's different than chatting online. (not trying to make excuses for any shitty behavior on her part, you just never know sometimes)

I've heard someone say that they'd give someone "space" if that person unfriended them on Facebook, and not bother contacting them. The thing is that I would not have minded if there was a hand held out towards me, a query as to why the connection broke - but almost no one would even ask. I started to feel that if 200 people wouldn't ask, than 200 people weren't my friends. Which is probably untrue to an extent - I can't expect people to mindread what I'm going if I don't post about my problems, and with a larger friends list many people might not even notice I was gone - but it also just strikes me as a little strange and unfair that someone would hold a grudge for a Facebook defriend without ever even attempting contact with the person. So you want to be friends with me but never interact? You want me as a placeholder in the 277th, or the 777th place? No thx.
idk, i guess this thread is making it clear that people think about FB differently. people i'm FB "friends" with aren't necessarily my close friends IRL, and that's ok with me. i don't expect them to regularly interact with me to want to keep that connection. but from reading this thread, now i understand that maybe those people who defriended me preferred to keep their FB friendlists to people they're actually going to have more significant interactions with, or remain friends with. i don't feel a grudge, it's just more of an unpleasant feeling - one reminiscent of rejection. i wouldn't reach out to those people who defriended me, not out of spite, but because i don't really know what the defriend actually means, or even if *i'm* the one who's reading too much into it. how am i supposed to know whether the person expected more out of the FB connection than i was willing or able to give? the only thing i can know for sure is that they did not value that FB connection enough to keep it: they very deliberately made a choice to remove me - defriending isn't an accident. i worry that trying to reach out to them and asking "why" would just come across as pathetic and/or would make them feel uncomfortable for bringing it up. for all i know, they were relieved at the chance to cut ties with me (probably not, but i have no real way of knowing)

re: being a "placeholder": personally, i don't really care about the number of friends i have, whether it's small or large. it's not a contest or status/popularity thing (though for others it might be). if i'm FB friends with someone however, it almost always means i made that connection for a reason. it doesn't have to be a deep, emotional thing at all - a passing interest in the person is enough. usually i only become FB friends with someone i have met IRL - i feel kind of uncomfortable otherwise. if i really don't want to be FB friends, i won't accept the friend request to begin with. but if a significant connection or relationship is what they're looking for, in many cases they are not going to get that from me - not because i want to be uncaring, but because there's only so much social capital i can expend, going along with what anndelise posted. the people closest to me IRL are the ones who don't need FB to interact with me, generally speaking.

for some reason i want to note that i'm really pretty private on FB. i don't have a ton of photos, i don't post a lot of stuff about my personal life, i don't indicate the status of my romantic relationship/s, etc. i feel uncomfortable sharing these personal things. maybe it has to do with the fact that i have so many acquaintances, people who aren't necessarily close to me? idk, i think i'd feel private either way.

i think instinct stackings might be coming into play here. most of the people responding in this thread might be so-lasts (?), and i'm getting the feeling that there's almost some kind of general disdain here towards having friends on FB for reasons other than maintaining a deeper or significant connection. it's like some people feel "used" otherwise, maybe? i don't personally feel that way, and tbh it's making me feel like kind of an outsider ITT...

maybe making FB friends is not that different from IRL. people expect different things from their relationships and friendships, and it's when these expectations aren't met that misunderstanding and conflict starts.