Quote Originally Posted by Aylen View Post
Things I am about to post is open to harsh criticism but I will say it anyway because I have seen it firsthand.

Not putting children first could go as far as giving the children to someone else to raise so they will have a good home because the parents know they cannot provide what it takes to raise a healthy child. Unwanted pregnancies among sx first (and a few sx second) seem to be extremely high from what I have observed over the years.

It could be in the form of parents who dump their kids off on other people to do the things they only want to do together, like traveling the world or skydiving.

It could be sitting the children in front of the TV all day long so that they can have their time alone and the children are not being properly nurtured. Not to be confused with parents who struggle to provide for their children and find it hard to make time for them because of survival issues.

Mothers and fathers who leave their children alone and go off and do drugs or drink.

Mothers who just don't have the maternal instinct kick in after they have the child even though they wish they did and they love their children. I have seen this with sx second as well. <-- I am iffy on this one because I heard stories from lots of women who do not have that instinct.

Of course this could all be explained by the health levels and addiction problems of those involved too but it seems sx first tend to have lots of problems with addiction from what I have seen, even if it is only an addiction to another person. I am not talking about poor, fucked up people here. I know highly educated rich people who do the same. If they see their children once a day between nannies they feel like they are being a good parent.

I grew up with this underlying belief that children ruin relationships and I am not sure exactly when it started. I suspect it was when my EIE sx/so (most probable) dad left because my mom LSI so/sp put us first. He has been wanting her back ever since. Many years later, after my stepdad died, my bio-dad starts calling my mom several times a week in an attempt to get her back. My mom chose her children over her relationship. When my bio-dad said he was leaving the US to move back to Greece my mom chose to stay here and give us and herself a better life. I know I could never sacrifice as much as my mother to obtain material security.

She spent ten years, without male companionship, before she got into another relationship with my ILI sp/so stepdad and it didn't bother her one bit being alone. She didn't long for a man. I have never gone more than nine months without a relationship and when I find one I tend to go long term. My mom relied on her family, friends and church for emotional support. When she met my stepdad she already knew what he had to offer in terms of stability, financial support and future potential. She chose him even though her friends said he was "too high class for her". She did not let it stop her. It was one of the boldest moves, other than leaving her birth country, she ever made and it paid off.

My mom and stepdad were a match made in heaven. I witnessed my mom at her healthiest and happiest during the time they were together. Together they focused on the children and providing us all with security and stability but I was the one who kept running away from it all. I knew it would be there if I needed it but I wanted to do my own thing. My sister EII sp/sx, in contrast, took full advantage of the security my parents offered. I usually came home after some major crisis only to leave again when it had passed.

Damn I am wordy today and yes this perspective has formed through my own experiences.


[sorry if those doesn't flow well.... no patience to proofread today.]
Thanks for sharing that. Growing up, I had a few experiences that parallel yours.

Since I'm a parent, I now look at it all from the other side as well. I went into motherhood with a lot of unrealistic expectations placed on me. And I was punished for not living up to expectations. So now, it's really nice to be with someone who doesn't have an agenda about what kind of mother I'm supposed to be. We do everything we can to ensure our children are well cared-for. And we attempt to do that in a way that allows us to still be a strong couple.

Having kids will change any marriage / relationship. It just will, it's a major stressor and everything shifts in an instant. Some couples adjust to this better than others. I'm reluctant to ascribe problems in this area to enneagram instincts in any generalized way.