Conflicting quadra relations; longterm, your feelings and their effects on you

[applejacks]

Thanks for sharing your experiences , I can imagine that must have been very hard for you; feeling you needed to work on your flaws rather than use your strengths.

What I think kept me subdued, is my mum's intense desire for closeness and intimacy with me. Which is quite sad; it was simply a matter of clashes and feeling misunderstood on all my deep personal experiences and feelings that she wanted to know all of. She is also incredibly interfering in a sense, and very, very imposing with what she feels everyone else should do with their lives, and incredibly liberal with her opinion; I'd say she is micro managing, critical (in attempt to be constructive) and other times downright sneering, impatient and destructive in what she says - it seems to impact all of us, from my sister (who gets annoyed at her imposing; SEI, and control), to my ESE step dad who she can be quite nasty to, and seems very depressed and lathargic. My boyfriend recently told me that people can rebel from their parents in passive aggressive ways; often by resisting taking action/not doing anything at all; I think this is suggestive of a desire to release the parents contol over them and to assert some kind of independence by resisting their suggestions or orders. I also felt very unheard in my views/opinions and advice (typical ni insights or suggestions, I think, I'd fnd it annoying or powerless to state something; have it proved right time and time again but always have it ignored; I guess this reflects the sense of not being able to influence my life or have power over it). I also felt being my natural self was something which was just rejected; which I do think was down to the closeness of our interactions...

My dad is also incredibly imposing; but more in a sense that he is demanding like he needs to be taken care of, and has a lot of anger issues and is quite scathing towards everyone he meets...he is also emotionally abusive to my sister; when she dropped out of school he told her she was the greatest mistake of his life. I feel like I was the only one in my family to get really angry at him for saying that. My mum got irritated by my anger but I couldn't believe how she couldn't confront him and protect her child. I don't think that's a quadra thing of course, I really can't image many people not rallying against someone who could cause such damage to their child by saying that. it just felt like anything of real importance, anything which was really unjust was just casually swept under the table yet we were made to feel terrible for just being ourselves or being normal kids.

My parents often seem to want to create closeness with me, but they just feel so destructive. I can check myself, I try to avoid hurting them, but they seem to say things out of impulse and anger.

I really agree with what you say about appreciating your dad and his values from afar, I feel similarly in regards to my parents; who I admire in some ways and do quite enjoy short amounts of time with; the conversation can be great when limited.

Is your mom the LSE, dad the SLI?

I only ask to clarify because your mom sounds similar to my LSE mother in law (whom I love dearly), in how she micro manages and seems to almost speak in a condescending manner at times, as if preaching how to solve things without truly understanding their complexity. (No offense against LSEs, I'm sure it's not always the case) Perfect example: She even tries to tell her son (my husband), that it shouldn't be hard to calm a child when holding a drill and preparing to fill a cavity, and that she could do it very easily. She even asked to be phoned to come over next time it happens. That comes across as condescending, hurtful, and controlling, as if she doesn't think he's truly tried time and time and time again.

So I completely understand your frustrations with this. I'm really happy that you're realizing your potential, and tuning in to your internal rhythm to find what truly lights you up and engages your many strengths

As for your dad- the quote about your sister being his biggest mistake. Was this said in the heat of the moment? Naturally, I'd be extremely upset and would quite possibly never forget this if it had been directed at me or a sibling. Has he ever apologized or owned up to it? If he's SLI, I wonder if it was said as means of venting something in which he felt guilt or regret about. Almost as if dodging pain by associating it with your sister. Either way, that's so heart breaking I hope you both are able to come to terms with whatever emotion might have influenced that, because nobody should feel like a mistake, and I'm sure your sister is incredibly talented and wonderful.

As for SLI impulsion and anger- my husband (who is SLI) and I had a discussion the other day that led me to think he would prefer me to vent and explode in anger, and let go of what was bothering me. At the same time, he remembers very well what people say, too, and my greatest fear is saying something that I will regret, and thus I hold my tongue (and sometimes stew on things much longer than I should). At the same time, if we were ever to have an argument that was explosive and involved him saying something hurtful, it would be equally difficult for me to get over that. I linger on words more than I should, I suppose. Maybe an SLI can shed some light on this.

It's great that at the end of the day you can appreciate family from a distance. I'm certain your sister will come around to the same conclusions. When does she move out for college?