Typical INFj problems (and solutions)

[SLeo123083]

Problem: INFj is too sensitive, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.
Solution: Boost him up, give him an honest compliment. We sometimes forget everybody doesn't have the we have, so act interested in what we have to say. We'll relax a lot once we know we're accepted and appreciated (our main psychological goal). NEVER CRITICIZE AN INFj, EVEN IF HE'S THE ONE DOING THE CRITICIZING! This will only make us appear even more 'squishy', and will only end up hurting you in the long run because we'll start to bring out the moral guilt card that we're so good at. =/

When you're 'allowed' to criticize an INFj, you'll know, and we'll appreciate your insight. But it has to have that 'constructive' attached before it.

The reason why we're closed off is we're so attuned to that feeling of acceptance, so we're not going to waste much energy unless we feel of total 'value.' Remember that.

It doesn't have to be something big, but a sincere compliment really makes our day. Just 'that shirt is really nice' is wonderful. Try to look for a good quality about us and point that out. Keep it short and sweet if you don't know us that well. Never say 'smile' to us. MAKE US smile simply by being kind. Say you love us if you really do (but only then). It's not that we'll get angry if you say a superficial comment, we're just well aware of the difference.

Problem: INFj is "too nice", not assertive enough.
Solution: Give him ways to practice assertion that we'll actually USE. This is a work in progress, since being assertive is traditionally linked with our PoLR. Also, it's very important to give young INFjs a sense of power as a young kid, even if it might seem unfair. It's really better in the long run.

Let your INFj child lead an activity for other children while giving him 'attaboys.' (but don't go overboard with this because it's condescending to us) We just need one sincere, Honest To God 'good job.' We don't really need a cheerleader, except for more serious problems.

Problem: INFj has a hard time feeling noticed. Doesn't make friends easily and instead leeches on one or two people.
Solution: This probably relates to our PoLR as well. But if you want to make us feel noticed, than well...notice us, but US, the real us. If you want us to show this more in groups, it takes a lot of patience but I guess it could be done.

Problem: INFjs annoy me no matter what, it's hopless...
Solution: No harm in just walking away I suppose .

In short, be honest and powerful (yet tactful) with us. It's okay if you want to shower us with love, although you might feel dissapointed since we value but rarely use it. We're very loyal though, as long as you don't do the INFj no-nos. Also, don't think you can help us in the same way we help you. We're the best empathsizers, we're just built for it, so if you try to match our awesome powers it might make us feel a bit annoyed at the end, although we'll think your 'cute' for trying. I know some of these suggestions seem to be getting you to use your more, but really we can clash with other INFjs at times so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Remember, if an INFj likes you, then you have a loyal friend for life. Also, if socionic is correct than an ESTj should support me naturally though I don't know if I ever met one. (I'm pretty sure my best friend is one though)

[oyburger]

I like this post, its a good idea. Most of the solutions you offered I had to learn on my own. Especially about the criticizing (god I hate the guilt card).

I saw that you had a section for INFj children, what about INFj parents?

[FDG]

Sleo: ENTp

[SLeo123083]

I'm not ENTp but I can see how you got that impression. <g> I'm going to sound different on a message board just because I'm so used to online communication.

As for INFj parents...hmm I don't know. Let me think more about that.

[oyburger]

My INFj mother and I get along pretty well, but I often end up unintentionally hurting her feelings and then she brings out the guilt and she can really make it painful so any advice would be good

[Rocky]

After that post, I agree with Fabio. No INFJ.

[SLeo123083]

You can think whatever you want to think. I consider myself INFj though, and most everybody I know does as well.

Actually, no- I'm not really 'anything.' I'm just me, this is all just a theory/ mental masturbation since nobody has found a way to use this stuff scientifically or practically.

If you judge my type by one post I guess I'll be EPTl by the end of the day or something.

But to your credit, the dual relationship (Artistic) makes better sense if I was an ENTp. However, there is just no way ISFjers seem like my conflictors. That's why this is all just fun bullshit anyway, you know? It's like astrology, but more advanced. I am greateful if people find my advice to be of use though. It's a good way to deal with 'passive' people in general, not just INFjs.

[implied]

i don't have anything to add but i'm kind of cracking up.

[FDG]

Sleo: if you want to be INFj, you'd better stop posting now. Every new message of yours is a further proof of you being ENTp.

[Expat]

sleo, you think you have understood it, but you haven't.

I also agree, no INFj.

[April]

SLeo, I appreciate your work and effort here.

we'll start to bring out the moral guilt card that we're so good at. =/

This is the only thing that really made my brain go, "Ack! No!" I don't think I would ever bring out the moral guilt card consciously. In fact, I'm really careful to not openly judge people. I can accept that what's best for me may not be the best for others. I also don't want to make others feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves by acting morally superior.

Problem: INFj has a hard time feeling noticed. Doesn't make friends easily and instead leeches on one or two people.
Solution: This probably relates to our PoLR as well. But if you want to make us feel noticed, than well...notice us, but US, the real us. If you want us to show this more in groups, it takes a lot of patience but I guess it could be done.

I agree with this, though! I don't like superficial relationships. I like genuine, close contact with only a few people that appreciate me.

I can usually tell who values our friendship, but some reinforcement every now and then is nice. I don't think I would like being "showered with love" though. I would feel like I need to reciprocate, which would drain me and feel awkward.

[SLeo123083]

This is the only thing that really made my brain go, "Ack! No!" I don't think I would ever bring out the moral guilt card consciously.

Hmm, I disagree. I don't think we mean to. It's just our is so strong sometimes you can't help but offend. We're traditionally known as 'healers' I believe, and sometimes we don't know our own strength.

BUT I think I used the wrong choice of words. Moral guilt card probably isn't the best phrase. <g>

I guess the point of my posts is that we're gonna seem "faulty" to some people regardless of how much we siltently observe in the backgrounds. I'm trying to destroy the Carebear image of INFjs because I think it's kinda biased.

I get along so-so with other INFjs. It's comfortable but ultimately boring.

[eunice]

What's ENTp about sleo's posts? I'm not that good in deciphering someone's preferences from their posts.

[Rocky]

What's ENTp about sleo's posts? I'm not that good in deciphering someone's preferences from their posts.

With all this talk about strong "Fi" or whatever, what this guy is describing sounds like quite the opposite. He seems to bitch a lot about weak feeling, though he does it candidly.

I'm sure if someone wanted, they could pull apart his first post in this thread to demonstrate that.

[SLeo123083]

I would like to know that as well. I mean I think you might have tried to explain but it just sounded like your own prejudices of me with no real facts whatsoever.

It's doubtful we can type each other just by a few posts. And I won't go out of my way to say things stereotypically INFj in order to fit some mold, I just try to be honest.

sleo, you think you have understood it, but you haven't.

And you have, Oh Great One? =/

[SLeo123083]

With all this talk about strong "Fi" or whatever, what this guy is describing sounds like quite the opposite. He seems to bitch a lot about weak feeling, though he does it candidly.

How? Huh? Wha? Frankly, you are interpreting my posts wrong.

I think I might just go back to lurking. I was having more fun that way anyway, no offense to anyone here.

[Rocky]

Problem: INFj is too sensitive, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.
Solution: Boost him up, give him an honest compliment.

Umm... not INFJ, lol. ENTP or ESTP maybe (insecure).

We'll relax a lot once we know we're accepted and appreciated (our main psychological goal).

See above. ^-^

moral guilt card that we're so good at. =/

Moral guilt card? Is that really INFJ? Doubt it.

It doesn't have to be something big, but a sincere compliment really makes our day.

Again, laugh-out-louds-ees.

Opposite of strong 'Feeling'. ExTP prob.

Problem: INFj is "too nice", not assertive enough.
Solution: Give him ways to practice assertion that we'll actually USE. This is a work in progress, since being assertive is traditionally linked with our PoLR. Also, it's very important to give young INFjs a sense of power as a young kid, even if it might seem unfair. It's really better in the long run.

OMG no. This may be worse that the attention-craving thing. INFJs are probably the last type to ask for power. Just, no, no....

The four IxxJ types are probably the most resistant to taking the lead, but INFJ is really the worst of the four.

Let your INFj child lead an activity for other children while giving him 'attaboys.'

*ouch*

A double whammy! Here you're doing the whole attention-whore, and power-hungry trip at the same time. Nice!

This may be the most ENTP comment of all...

Problem: INFjs annoy me no matter what, it's hopless...
Solution: No harm in just walking away I suppose .

Whateva...

In short, be honest and powerful (yet tactful) with us. It's okay if you want to shower us with love, although you might feel dissapointed since we value but rarely use it.

I'm just gonna --> this part.



My point is that, no we don't know you personally, BUT if you are going to start talking about an entire type on the whole, and describing needs, thought-processes, etc... then you have to expect criticism if everyone else can see that these are not typical of that type that you claim them to be.

It's not just one person here, but obviously at least a few of us could tell from this that you are not INFJ.

You sound like you could be an ENTP with insecure, attention needs.

[pesto]

Ehm, yeah, I don't really recognize myself here. In some ways, but on the other hand not at all. Usually I do see myself in your posts, SLeo. Here's how I would answer the first question.

Problem: INFj is too sensitive, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.

Solution: Screw it. Everyone has to get over themselves, so do we. What makes me back off is if when someone is in my face because it makes me uncomfortable. Please be careful about critizing my appearance in public or in a brutal manner. Well, I'd rather not hear it at all actually, but somewhere comes the point where the way I take critizism is my problem. I don't care much about compliments about my appearance either. So what. When it's being said I actually feel proud, but it's not important to me as if you where to say something positive about my character. Questioning my believes is not a threat to me in any way (as long as you're not an ass about it). I'll see it as an invite to discussion.

ETA: Diana's answer below was better and less PMS-crabby, ha.

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[Expat]

And you have, Oh Great One? =/

You call the above an argument?

Perhaps you can tell me how socionics is "just like astrology, but more advanced".

[The Greeter]

Problem: INFj is too sensitive, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.
Solution: Boost him up, give him an honest compliment. We sometimes forget everybody doesn't have the we have, so act interested in what we have to say. We'll relax a lot once we know we're accepted and appreciated (our main psychological goal). NEVER CRITICIZE AN INFj, EVEN IF HE'S THE ONE DOING THE CRITICIZING! This will only make us appear even more 'squishy', and will only end up hurting you in the long run because we'll start to bring out the moral guilt card that we're so good at. =/

When you're 'allowed' to criticize an INFj, you'll know, and we'll appreciate your insight. But it has to have that 'constructive' attached before it.

The reason why we're closed off is we're so attuned to that feeling of acceptance, so we're not going to waste much energy unless we feel of total 'value.' Remember that.

It doesn't have to be something big, but a sincere compliment really makes our day. Just 'that shirt is really nice' is wonderful. Try to look for a good quality about us and point that out. Keep it short and sweet if you don't know us that well. Never say 'smile' to us. MAKE US smile simply by being kind. Say you love us if you really do (but only then). It's not that we'll get angry if you say a superficial comment, we're just well aware of the difference.

Problem: INFj is "too nice", not assertive enough.
Solution: Give him ways to practice assertion that we'll actually USE. This is a work in progress, since being assertive is traditionally linked with our PoLR. Also, it's very important to give young INFjs a sense of power as a young kid, even if it might seem unfair. It's really better in the long run.

Let your INFj child lead an activity for other children while giving him 'attaboys.' (but don't go overboard with this because it's condescending to us) We just need one sincere, Honest To God 'good job.' We don't really need a cheerleader, except for more serious problems.

Problem: INFj has a hard time feeling noticed. Doesn't make friends easily and instead leeches on one or two people.
Solution: This probably relates to our PoLR as well. But if you want to make us feel noticed, than well...notice us, but US, the real us. If you want us to show this more in groups, it takes a lot of patience but I guess it could be done.

Problem: INFjs annoy me no matter what, it's hopless...
Solution: No harm in just walking away I suppose .

[b][b]In short, be honest and powerful (yet tactful) with us. It's okay if you want to shower us with love, although you might feel dissapointed since we value but rarely use it. We're very loyal though, as long as you don't do the INFj no-nos. Also, don't think you can help us in the same way we help you. We're the best empathsizers, we're just built for it, so if you try to match our awesome powers it might make us feel a bit annoyed at the end, although we'll think your 'cute' for trying. I know some of these suggestions seem to be getting you to use your more, but really we can clash with other INFjs at times so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Remember, if an INFj likes you, then you have a loyal friend for life. Also, if socionic is correct than an ESTj should support me naturally though I don't know if I ever met one. (I'm pretty sure my best friend is one though)

To be honest, this is not how I would treat an INFj. It is as if we are treating them as a fragile little child too sensitive to face the truth - something that I see as rather condescenfing. Everything bolded is something I disagree with, the rest is circumstantial.

[Megan]

gee, u guys lay off. u can't say this guy is not INFj just because of this post. if he's been lurking for awhile before he ever posted...well, i think INFjs are prone to this behavior. i've been a member for a looong time but haven't posted actively until recently.

just chill ya'll :wink:

I believe him to be an INFj. It is probably just that he is saying a lot of things about INFjs that are not frequently expressed, not widely known and does not fit the stereotypical image some here have of the type.

Also, I think there are INFjs who like power and some degree of authority(but not through bullying others) and he is right that those should be encouraged to be assertive when young, all INFjs hate and will resist being controlled like Diana said which is probably one reason why INFjs are in conflict with some ESTps who are into trying to control others by all sorts of methods immediately recognizeable to the average INFj.

If he is an INFj then probably one of his worst fears about expressing his true self happened.

[Creepy-pokeball]

And you have, Oh Great One? =/

You call the above an argument?

Perhaps you can tell me how socionics is "just like astrology, but more advanced".

Moons are like subtypes! I couldnt resist lol

[Creepy-pokeball]

BTW: Does there have to be a solution? If something is healthily adaptive then why "fix" it?

And are these examples always problems?