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Thread: LII man dating ESI woman - any thoughts?

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    Local Hero Saberstorm's Avatar
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    Default LII man dating ESI woman - any thoughts?

    Ok, I met this girl at church and we really hit it off. I am starting to like "hang out" with her, in a flirty, dating like way. However, she tolerates no ambiguity. She wants to know exactly what is going on between us. To her, there is no maybe. There is either yes or no. And "not yes" means "no" to her. I would rather like hang out, take her to concerts, dinner and crap like that, and in general not commit to marry her RIGHT FREAKING NOW. We just met.

    I have headaches thinking about her.

    She would be my super ego.
     
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    fka lungs ashlesha's Avatar
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    lol. you just met? and she wants to get married? and you think this is because she's esi? am i getting this right?

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    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    lol. you just met? and she wants to get married? and you think this is because she's esi? am i getting this right?
    She does not want to get married. I was kidding. But she really needs to know. I mean, she really wants to know where she stands. I was exaggerating.
     
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    what is maybe?
    shuffling your feet and saying "um, iunno..." versus firmly and decisively saying "i can't make a decision right now because of x" are different things. depending on her level of emotional investment she might be fended off with a little explanation and clarity behind your thought process about it, whatever it is. it can become sort of a cycle where more equivocation on your part feeds into her emotional need for clarity which can make her seem clingy which can make you unsure etc etc (if she's anything like me)

    why are you even dating her if she gives you headaches? are you going to continue?

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    also (if you're going to keep dating her for whatever reason) try to make sure your actions and words line up. if you say you don't want to be serious, don't drop hints about commitment or call her constantly. count on her listening to your behavior and other clues at least as much as she listens to your words, and taking it seriously.

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    Those are good insights. I type her ESI because she reminds me a lot of you, Lungs! The way she talks and thinks, just reminds me of you. Anyway, I like her.

    Thanks.
     
    God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.
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    fka lungs ashlesha's Avatar
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    Change topic name to ILE man, dating ESI woman.
    “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” Randy Pausch

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    That would be a conflictor!
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saberstorm View Post
    That would be a conflictor!
    That's certainly in the realm of possibility assuming you typed her accurately. Conflictors get along well superficially during the early stages of interaction.
    “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” Randy Pausch

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    Maybe it's a gamma thing, but she might just want to know what kind of relationship you're looking for from the outset. She may not even have an issue with a more friends with benefits style arrangement, she probably just wants to know what you want, so both of your wants/needs can be given a change to align. What would piss her off is saying you want one thing and then expecting another.

    I've seen girls lose their minds over poorly defined relationship boundaries.

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    Maybe she's just been in situations where she's been strung along before...or maybe she feels like guys tend to only hang out with her because they wanna jump her bones.
    I think you should tell her what you told us....that you want to hang out with her and do fun things with her for now...just be honest. If you feel wishy washy..tell her you feel wishy washy.
    And I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me, and nobody would ever see us any more.


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    I find super ego relations can be rather fun with a mylutual respect and maybe "awe" for their way of thinking.

    Like its easy to understand even if you totally disagree with them.
    Projection is ordinary. Person A projects at person B, hoping tovalidate something about person A by the response of person B. However, person B, not wanting to be an obejct of someone elses ego and guarding against existential terror constructs a personality which protects his ego and maintain a certain sense of a robust and real self that is different and separate from person A. Sadly, this robust and real self, cut off by defenses of character from the rest of the world, is quite vulnerable and fragile given that it is imaginary and propped up through external feed back. Person B is dimly aware of this and defends against it all the more, even desperately projecting his anxieties back onto person A, with the hope of shoring up his ego with salubrious validation. All of this happens without A or B acknowledging it, of course. Because to face up to it consciously is shocking, in that this is all anybody is doing or can do and it seems absurd when you realize how pathetic it is.

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    This thread about the low tolerance for ambiguity of ESI's has been helpful to me.

    I met a woman on a dating site and I think, from her pictures, that she's ESI, although she could also be LII, believe it or not. In one picture, she even looks IEI, but I'm going to assume that she's ESI.
    She said she's looking for a committed relationship and from reading my profile, I might not be that guy. I said, Maybe not. Let's meet for coffee in a place of your choosing and see if there is any chemistry. She said, In the country where she was born (Russia - I know, I know) a man sets the stage for romance by choosing the setting and bringing flowers.
    I thought, what the hell? Is this the 1860's? This is a ten minute coffee break to meet each other and see if we hate each other on sight.

    And about the flowers, I'm the guy to whom one of my ex-GF's gave the book "How To Be More Romantic" and I couldn't understand what it was talking about. Flowers seem just a bit premature here. I know ESI's like to shop, but do they like Romance, too? If so, this is not good.

    Is this relationship doomed before it even starts, or am I missing something?
    Last edited by Adam Strange; 08-27-2019 at 04:11 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    I thought, what the hell? Is this the 1860's?
    If it was, you could just ask to buy her from her dad.
    I never realized how many idiots there were until I logged on to the Internet. -- Edsger Dijkstra, Dutch Computer Scientist and pioneer in network communication (possibly apocryphal)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    This thread about the low tolerance for ambiguity of ESI's has been helpful to me.

    I met a woman on a dating site and I think, from her pictures, that she's ESI, although she could also be LII, believe it or not. In one picture, she even looks IEI, but I'm going to assume that she's ESI.
    She said she's looking for a committed relationship and from reading my profile, I might not be that guy. I said, Maybe not. Let's meet for coffee in a place of your choosing and see if there is any chemistry. She said, In the country where she was born (Russia - I know, I know) a man sets the stage for romance by choosing the setting and bringing flowers.
    I thought, what the hell? Is this the 1860's? This is a ten minute coffee break to meet each other and see if we hate each other on sight.

    And about the flowers, I'm the guy to whom one of my ex-GF's gave the book "How To Be More Romantic" and I couldn't understand what it was talking about. Flowers seem just a bit premature here. I know ESI's like to shop, but do they like Romance, too? If so, this is not good.

    Is this relationship doomed before it even starts, or am I missing something?
    It's just a Russian culture thing, it's customary for a man to bring flowers to his date every single time he sees her.

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    ESIs aren't normally that good at judging potential consequences of their own actions but they do tend to desire predictable futures; the ones who've been burnt a few times by erroneous assumptions do tend to demand straight-talk and complete sentences. Because many ESIs have been known to withhold key information so as to place themselves in the best light, they can be somewhat naturally suspicious of the intentions of others even though they still seem easily charmed by sweet-talk and promises of romantic futures - as if they want to believe in something better.........

    a.k.a. I/O

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