Can a Conflict relationship work?

[heavenlytuna]

Me and my partner have been researching Socionics together and we've determined that he's an LSE and I'm an IEI. We are open to the fact we could have mistyped or that we are indeed in a conflict relationship. I just think that after 6 years together there would have been much more conflict than there has been... Or can conflict relationships work if both partners put in the effort?

He's a solution-oriented pragmatist who is proactive, detailed and politically-minded. He is training to be a history teacher and loves to cook. He's very, very practical which contrasts with my fantasy-prone nature. A lot of the LSE descriptions talk about how this type is businesslike but can put on a certain charismatic charm when in public which is very him. He also needs a good amount of efficiency and control in his life.

I relate to IEI because I'm very opposite to him in general. I'm creative, imaginative, introspective and I'm always searching for the meaning of things. I can also be fairly lazy, sluggish, melancholic and riddled with doubts. I'm still figuring out what I want to do career-wise. I'm quite spontaneous and can forget about tending to every day matters without a gentle push.

I'm not sure why our conflict relationship has worked so well, but I found our differences have helped each other to feel more balanced. He's my biggest supporter in terms of helping my dreams to become a reality by laying out practical steps to take and helping me take care of all the details I may miss. He also tells me I help him to slow down and enjoy the moment more and encourage him to be spontaneous at times and try new things.

If we do ever experience conflict, it is usually down to misunderstanding each others emotional needs. I can get quite moody at times and don't always communicate my feelings well. I'm looking for someone to intuit how I'm feeling and get on the same wavelength, whereas he prefers to disconnect, talk it logically out and solve the issue right away. However, this is never usually an issue for too long as I've partly come to appreciate the way he can help me rationalize my emotions. It has been nice to have someone who can offer practical explanations for everything I'm unsure of.

So I'm just looking for opinions on conflict relations really. Are they as bad as they say?

[VewyScawwyNawcissist]

my interactions with LxEs irl have been that they are controlling domineering ppl where every interaction they have is self centered manipulation to get what they want that doesnt take others situation into account, but LIEs are more adaptable and willing to give way and LSEs are much more pushy. i cant imagine being with an LSE without either me or them getting very angry very fast. i also find LSEs extremely dull and impossible to communicate meaningfully with. their interests are completely irrelevant to me, my life and the world at large while their practicality is micromanagy in a way that its about doing some little things in the most efficient way but thinking about it and focusing on it takes away so much energy out of my thought process that much more important things im usually trying to focus on/keep my momentum with completely disappear. its like a storm they put me through and im left with nothing at the end of it. no wonder they are so dull, they put so much effort into trivialities that dont really get them or anyone else far enough to justify the effort that goes into it. so much work and so little to show for it. they find my interests mundane or nonsensical as well.

[Bethanyclaire]

Yes, relationships can work between any of the types. There is no proven order of best to worst (apart from
duality being the best). If we accept that duality is the best I think it’s only logical to believe that there is an order from best to worst but no one seems to be interested in figuring out an order. (Where are the scientists? They should be able to spot more patterns other than the existence of quadras). The big focus on quadras came about because socionics was born in a polarised political environment and time, therefore socionics has a very political, almost divisive tone. It’s really interesting but it’s only one way of looking at humanity. Sorry I know I’m probably ignoring a lot of other distinctions made about sets of different types within socionics but it bugs me that no one thinks there must be an an order other than dual being best. A person’s core basic personality will have a certain amount of basic compatibility with each type. They may fall into stereotypical roles relating to type but not necessarily. We see so much variety within types. So much variety yet so much similarity we can’t put into words lol. So yes ITR are important and unimportant at the same time. And they become more significant in particular situations.

I don’t think conflict partners have the worst potential out of all the ITR. I notice people getting on well with their conflict partner all the time. It’s probably just rare that people come into contact with ones they really like, similar to duals in a way. Non-type related factors are more important than type. If the relationship isn’t working, the issues may be type related..but they might also be non-type related.

[adage]

If you both are rather healthy and willing to hear each other out, there won't be much trouble.
Every couple argues at times, duals included, that's life.

One thing about duality is that, mostly when young/immature, the lead of your dual can be aggravating because of how foreign it seems to your base. This here leads me to not rule out EII for you, but all I have of you is one post, not conclusive. The thing that makes me maybe think so is the spontaneous part, I tend to see it as related to Se and Ne more so than other function, but you know, socionics isn't a nice little box with all the answers, just a framework.

There's even people at times around here who argue that conflict is best for growth if both party show goodwill and have patience. At least conflict is symmetrical a relationship, unlike supervision where one feels superior and the other inferior by pure functional strenght and placement.
Even supervision can be evened out, by an astronomical amount of work from both sides.

[The Iconoclast]

Conflictors - contrary to what most people believe - at distance attract each other. Repelling occurs when they get close to each other. I would say the conflicts can be minimized, but a long-term relationship is unsustainable.

[Adam Strange]

My LSE sister has been married to an IEI male for years. They don't have what I would call a great marriage, but neither of them are trying to get out of it.

I believe that it is possible get along with anyone (assuming that they are healthy), if you and they are willing to compromise enough. But that's the key: Compromise.


*EDIT* I was happily (more or less) married to my SLI Supervisor for many years. There was (and is) a lot about her that I admired and respected, and we had a very productive marriage, even though it wasn't very emotionally fulfilling.

Supervision has been called "One-sided Conflict", with a healthy dose of Mirror thrown in. Because she was the Te-subtype, she was more Mirror (ILI) than (SEI), but there were still some points where we did not see eye to eye. Because I had never experienced Duality with a female, I really didn't know what I was missing, and when you don't know how good something CAN be, you just assume that what you've got is the best that you can do.

Fortunately, she decided that she didn't want to live with me, so I got a divorce, which turned out to be a really great opportunity for me to try again, this time with more insight into what I should be looking for.

The ESIs that I've been seeing have been a revelation in relations, in a very positive sense. All I can say is, that after having cake, I'm never going back to road kill. Not every ESI is perfect, or even very good, but the basic values compatibility is there with Duals, and that leaves in question only the quality of the individual.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

So I'm just looking for opinions on conflict relations really. Are they as bad as they say?

You tell us: is your relationship as bad as they say?

[Tallmo]

You could be mistyped. First you have to get your types right. He could be an outgoing LSI and you activators. Or something else.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

Non-type related factors are more important than type. If the relationship isn’t working, the issues may be type related..but they might also be non-type related.

I agree/like quite a bit of what you shared here, but I'll add: I do think it's sometimes difficult to distinguish between type related and non-type related. What I mean is that I'm realizing that different types respond to the same experiences differently, thus making seemingly non-type related things actually somewhat type related as well. As a made up example, an ILE that grew up around violence might go much further morally than an EII, who has more of a moral compass. They might even go opposite directions: the ILE innocently dickish, and the EII overly gentle because of trying to distance themselves from all the violence they grew up around. Same input (experiences), different receptors (personalities), resulting in different output (reactions). Type/non-type related has some grey area at times.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

You could be mistyped. First you have to get your types right. He could be an outgoing LSI and you activators. Or something else.

The OP basically already said this.

[Bethanyclaire]

@Lady Lotus yeah it’s like there is a basic type we are born with..it’s perhaps quite pure when we are born..and then it develops in response to all the other types it grows up around and in response to typical life experiences. But of course like you say depending on the environment type can manifest in different ways. But there are some basic patterns that a type seems to fall into again and again. I think type will matter more in a relationship where the couple are facing other pressures- raising kids or struggling in work or their social life. Some of these struggles may be typical responses for their type when it’s in trouble..so you could argue that the relationship problems are type related.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

*snaps his fingers and turns into Nawcissist in drag*

there's no compromise with a LSE. "Compromise" is doing everything they want narcissistically while u don't get anything out of it. Then u try to call them out on this and reveal to them how abusive and narcissistic they are being, they will say u are 'playing a victim' when really they are BEING an offender. The introverted partner will just be drained and scapegoated and used if its allowed usually. but the LSE is bad at setting the IEI into a trap like it wants usually and gets frustrated cuz the IEI is usually too smart to fall for it, but they will just kinda bulldoze us through pure extroverted power if its continued long enough where nothing good will come out of it, the LSE might even think the iei is in a okay spot when we're not and vice versa due to their shitty Ni polr.

sorry but opposites don't attract, that's just what heterosexuals in lust think. Or tops/bottoms whatever. It attracts in the beginning maybe- if u find a conflictor that has good sexual or personality characterists u like, but it will not last- once the intitial 'ooh they are so hot and different than me, let's make a kid together!' thing wears off - u will grow to hate and resent each other cuz ur values are so different. Maybe yeah opposites attract in the sense that penis + vagina feels like putting the batteries in the right way to most of the population- but when it comes to things like values and politics shared sameness is better. Attraction is cool, but its also wise to see in the future what's going on when the fire fades.

[Lord Pixel]

With tons of mental and emotional stress sure, but at that point is it worth it? Your twisting yourself into a pretzel just to be with someone.

[aixelsyd]

No and if it does, someone has been mistyped or is doing a lot of lying to themselves

[Hope]

I think they can work and You shouldn't drive yourself or your life based only in a theory as typology. Ppl can adapt and grow. Typology can throw light to certain issues but thats not all. I've met semi duals breaking up and similar stuff, there are a lot of things that matter besides typology.

[Lord Pixel]

I have 1 friend whose a conflictor and 1 friend who is a dual. Both of them are good friends. I will say the conflictor actually helps me grow more, helps me touch areas of my life that I never ever touch. And with the dual I notice that he helps me out too sometimes but sometimes it's just easier to ask him to do whatever he's trying to help me out with instead of doing it my self and learning hands on, I do learn from watching though but it's much more lazy. But with that said I think when you're giving into your natural habits dual might not press you as hard to change as an conflictor would.


My dual is LSE and my conflictor is SLE, and I'm friends with both. I had a recent problem where I was around both of them and could see how they both contrasted in their ways of trying to help me out. And naturally I appreciated and felt more comfortable with the dual's advice.

I went to my SLE friends wedding recently and was a groomsmen. After the wedding him and his wife was trying to set me up with one of the bridesgmaids. They ask me which one I liked, I tell them I was attracted to one of them but that doesn't mean I like her like that. So they secretly invite her to a BBQ we are having the next weekend. That weekend at the BBQ my SLE friend lets me know they invited her, I start getting nervous but trying to hide it I tell him not to expect me to talk to her, he tells me that's fine it's cool. She doesn't show up for awhile so I get comfortable thinking she's not coming, my LSE friend thinks the whole thing is funny telling my she might still come. Then she finally shows up, my SLE friend's whole family says hi to her, but I don't say anything, I'm too nervous, because I can feel the expectation of them wanting something to happen between me and this girl. She sits at a bench across the table from me and my SLE friend's mom who is sitting next to me, an IEE, says "oh the sun's in your face do you wanna sit here instead?" Boom. The girl switches seats and sits right next to me. I get real nervous so I turn my back to here while we are still sitting down to talk to my SLE friend but I mostly just end up staring at my phone. The pressure gets too much so after a couple minutes I get up and sit next to my SLE friend's dad, an SLI, at a fold out chair off to the side. LSE whispers to me "That was super rude and disrespectful man." he's half joking but he can see that overall it looks like I just rejected this girl outright, to me I was just trying to escape. For the rest of BBQ I don't talk to this girl or even make eye contact (I actually think she is EII also) and when she leaves she says bye and everyone says bye except me again.

After the BBQ we go back to the house and I start getting roasted about what happened. At first it was funny, everyone just commenting on how nervous the whole thing made me, but then I saw how different the SLE and LSE advice was. SLE claims he's starting to think I must be gay, says I was acting like a 14 year old shy incel, and I need to be confident, she was easy to talk to it's not a big deal, he got numbers all the time when he was single because he's super confident, I dropped the ball. LSE says I could have just said hi to the girl at least, and that I reminded him of himself when he was younger and the best thing I could have done to explain myself to the SLE's family after the fact was to just tell them straight up that I didn't like the girl that much. SLE's advice of course did me no good, it was somewhat of a joke but if we were not friends that wouldn't have gone over well and would have just make me feel like shit, either way it helped me none, just pointed out flaws, he's using Se to encourage me to be more Se. LSE's advice seemed easier to implement and he can recognize there must be some emotional problem but he's trying to push me to communicate my issue in a more blunt Te way, but I felt like I couldn't say my issue for some reason because I was afraid I might hurt someone's feelings, but it did show me that I can be more direct, and that to me was valuable. Both can be helplful but one can just be straight up disrespectful because they don't and almost can't relate to your problems. Funny thing is that when the SLI chimmed in he said exactly what I was thinking "Man, even if I liked the girl, if everyone was watching me expecting me to talk to her, I wouldn't talk to her either!".

[The Reality Denialist]

I think they can work and You shouldn't drive yourself or your life based only in a theory as typology. Ppl can adapt and grow. Typology can throw light to certain issues but thats not all. I've met semi duals breaking up and similar stuff, there are a lot of things that matter besides typology.

In Big5 terms if neuroticism is high on either side then there is a much higher tendency for escalation.
Why?
Rational: stable mood + corrective statements
Irrational: mood swings + defensive

[on a peaceful hiatus]

No and if it does, someone has been mistyped or is doing a lot of lying to themselves

Have seen conflict types being together for decades. Of course they have constant arguments and are highly neurotic but they still stay together for some reason. Not a fate I would wish on anyone, though.

[Bethanyclaire]

I don’t think bad conflict relationships would survive very long. I think the couple would just break up. An ok conflict relationship might survive longer..and there would be arguments or they’d ignore each other..but they might still find each other tolerable. Sometimes I just find LSEs a bit boring/uninteresting. They’re on a different plane to me. And then randomly we’ll have a really good convo. A good one is tolerable and I don’t mind having them around

Ok maybe some conflict relationships could be really rocky and fairly unstable..but I think the couple might part from each other having learned something useful about themselves?

There are worst things in life than arguments- my parents are supervision and they did argue, but it bothers me more when they don’t talk to each other.