Married to ISFj

[blackops]

I'm an ENTJ. My dad is an ENTJ and my mom is an ISFJ. Of course I married an ISFJ. Of couse things are usually ok but we have our issues. Any insight on how an ENTJ can communicate better with an ISFJ. Her big pet peeve is that I don't make her feel #1. That my interests are everything but her. She's a stay at home mom but she is so introverted that she will not go to social events with me and so money concerned that going out to eat and movie and paying a babysitter is always an issue. She is also very very protective of the children and seems to not trust anyone (including ME) to be alone with them.


Thanks for your imput.

[metaiwan]

(I'm not married so my opinion doesn't really matter), but she told you the biggest problem of the relationship was not making her feel #1 and you're out seeking advice. That seems like maybe you do care alot for her but she can't see it.

[WVBRY]

Well... dont you feel like shes number 1?I mean she is your wife.

[science as magic]

i think he is asking how he can show his wife that she is #1.

*waits for the horde of NF goodness to descend upon this thread*

[Slacker]

rent a chick flick and buy some nice (but not too expensive given her money concerns) wine
do something around the house that she usually does like clean up after dinner. Or make dinner and then clean up after it.
take the kid(s) out and give her a weekend afternoon by herself if she'd like that

Those are my suggestions

In addition to being an NF I'm a wife and stay-at-home mom, so I know what I'm talking about :wink:

[stevENTj]

You'd be surprised how easy it is to keep my ISFj wife happy. She just needs little things throughout the day that show her you're thinking about her. Like simple flirty little emails "hey babe, what's shakin'". Or just stuff like what Nicky said, taking out the trash, doing the dishes for her after she cooks dinner, just helping around the house, giving her a foot massage. Very cheap, very simple, very easy.

[schrödinger's cat]

She's a stay at home mom but she is so introverted that she will not go to social events with me and so money concerned that going out to eat and movie and paying a babysitter is always an issue.

About money issues: sometimes the problem is that the wife feels she has no right to spend money since she doesn't earn any. That's true even if she knows that her husband wants to care for her, wants her to have nice things, and regards the money he spends not as "my money", but as "our money". I was in that situation once and read that lots of women feel like that. It's totally shitty. You end up spending less and less on yourself. You buy nice clothes for your kids and your husband, you buy them treats, but for yourself you're frugal. You know that your husband would give you all the money you want without even asking a question... but you still hate having to go to someone and ask "please could I have some money". It makes you feel like a child. The jokes about women who waste their husbands' money don't help either.

This gets worse if the husband is happy-go-lucky and doesn't think ahead, and the wife worries about things like pensions, helping the kids through college, paying off the mortage etc.

What helped in my case was this: We sat down and drew up a kind of budget to see how much money we could reasonably spend on ourselves. We divided that amount in three parts. One was pocket-money, an equal amount for each of us. The other was our "war chest" (for movies, restaurants etc). What helped even more was going out and earning money. Even if it's not a lot, I just need to know that I contribute.

As to the social events... an aunt and uncle of mine had that problem, mainly because all the social events he chose were noisy ones with LOTS of people. If he'd chosen smaller, quieter settings she'd have been fine, but he always dragged her to large meetings full of strangers. *edited to add* That might not be the problem in your case, of course. What you said just reminded me of my aunt's story.

[Creepy-]

Thanks for all your replies. I know that my wife has sent me some of those kinds of e-mail before and I didnt reply real quick and she was hurt so I can see where the little things really matter.

I know when she spends the whole day cleaning the house and I'm around and I'm not attentive and let the kids make a mess then we have a huge issue. Feels I'm not respecting her hard work. As far as the last post and the Aunt and Uncle story it is amazing that a crowd from my wife's point of view is 3 or more people she dosen't know. All of this is good for an ENTJ I think because it foces me to realize that not everyone is like me. My wife has hel[ed me respect people's boundry's a litlle more.

I will say I bought tickets to a political fundraiser and she fretted over it for two weeks and was really angry I bought the tickets without talking to her. She ended up going and she had a good time and later commented that it "wasn't so bad" but said she was reluctant to tell me that for fear I would want to start doing this all the time.

[Satan]

Thanks for all your replies. I know that my wife has sent me some of those kinds of e-mail before and I didnt reply real quick and she was hurt so I can see where the little things really matter.

I know when she spends the whole day cleaning the house and I'm around and I'm not attentive and let the kids make a mess then we have a huge issue. Feels I'm not respecting her hard work. As far as the last post and the Aunt and Uncle story it is amazing that a crowd from my wife's point of view is 3 or more people she dosen't know. All of this is good for an ENTJ I think because it foces me to realize that not everyone is like me. My wife has hel[ed me respect people's boundry's a litlle more.

I will say I bought tickets to a political fundraiser and she fretted over it for two weeks and was really angry I bought the tickets without talking to her. She ended up going and she had a good time and later commented that it "wasn't so bad" but said she was reluctant to tell me that for fear I would want to start doing this all the time.

Surprise her instead then.

You guys are reminding me of my mother.

[nanashi]

About money issues: sometimes the problem is that the wife feels she has no right to spend money since she doesn't earn any. That's true even if she knows that her husband wants to care for her, wants her to have nice things, and regards the money he spends not as "my money", but as "our money". I was in that situation once and read that lots of women feel like that. It's totally shitty. You end up spending less and less on yourself. You buy nice clothes for your kids and your husband, you buy them treats, but for yourself you're frugal. You know that your husband would give you all the money you want without even asking a question... but you still hate having to go to someone and ask "please could I have some money". It makes you feel like a child. The jokes about women who waste their husbands' money don't help either.

This gets worse if the husband is happy-go-lucky and doesn't think ahead, and the wife worries about things like pensions, helping the kids through college, paying off the mortage etc.

What helped in my case was this: We sat down and drew up a kind of budget to see how much money we could reasonably spend on ourselves. We divided that amount in three parts. One was pocket-money, an equal amount for each of us. The other was our "war chest" (for movies, restaurants etc). What helped even more was going out and earning money. Even if it's not a lot, I just need to know that I contribute.

As to the social events... an aunt and uncle of mine had that problem, mainly because all the social events he chose were noisy ones with LOTS of people. If he'd chosen smaller, quieter settings she'd have been fine, but he always dragged her to large meetings full of strangers. *edited to add* That might not be the problem in your case, of course. What you said just reminded me of my aunt's story.

Lol. Draw up salary information for fulltime live in nannies. That is the amount of the WorkAway spouse's salary the work by StayingAH spouse makes. Both would do well to remember that

[Rebelondeck]

......I don't make her feel #1. That my interests are everything but her.....she will not go to social events with me.....not trust anyone (including ME)......

Most ISFjs are rather objective in their assessments and many coldly assess what they are getting out of relationships; for those, love is not unconditional. They don't normally say/do things like in the quote unless they've already written someone off and are looking for opportunities to get out (weak excuses to sleep in different rooms is another strong indication). Her decision may have already been made and you, trying to talk your way out of or make-up for past shortcomings, simply won't work. However, the relationship may not be totally lost because those ISFjs who're rather self-serving won't usually jump from a frying pan to a fire - they normally have to have in hand cushy landing sites.

a.k.a. I/O