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    Creepy-male

    Default I want a life...

    Of poetry and magic.

    But such a life does not exist. When I wake up tomorrow, I will have nothing to keep me company but numbness and emptiness. The beauty of the world will fall upon deaf ears and blind eyes. Right now, I live suspended in a moment of sublime beauty. It hurts so much, it's so sad, but I'm at least alive. I'm feeling something deeply. I'm alive. And it hurts, but it's so beautiful. It's absolutely wonderful beyond measure or expression. It hurts so goddamn much.

    I don't want to go back to always being a step behind my entire life, watching it inexorably unfurl in front of me. I don't want to go back to being an observer in my own mind. I don't want to go back to playing games with people just to try and fit in, always hiding who I am, what I think, and what I feel. I don't want to go back to being alone in a world where I don't feel like I belong. I don't want to go back to the stress and the torture inherent in just trying to support the inane trifles of my own metabolism.

    I want people to understand what I see. I want people to feel what I feel. I don't want to be so alone all the time. I want something better than words. I wish I could hold someone's hand to my heart, and have all my feelings course through them. I wish someone would understand. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. I wish there was someone out there who saw the same wonders as I did.

    But none of that can happen.

    It's like life is a cruel joke. Even though I gave up long ago, my body keeps marching on, to the rhythm that time drums out. I wish it could all be over, and I have done for a long time now. But it never ends, and there's no escape. There's no way out.

    And it sucks.

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    What does your actual life consist of now?
    “No psychologist should pretend to understand what he does not understand... Only fools and charlatans know everything and understand nothing.” -Anton Chekhov

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  3. #3
    Creepy-male

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    Actual real life?

    Worrying about University, and getting a headache over it.
    Worrying about buying myself food.
    Worrying about preparing the food.
    Trying really hard to not think about stuff.
    Occasionally having lapses in this and becoming very, very sad, more than I know how to deal with.

    EDIT

    And momentary respites that feel good at the time, but leave me feeling utterly betrayed and disappointed when the good feelings wear off.

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    That sucks man. I don't have much else to say, except I feel that way sometimes too. And I dunno, maybe you'll find people to share yourself with, maybe you won't, but at least know that however hard it is, if you still want something it means you're not dead. That's probably no help. Anyway, sorry.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thanks Arthur View Post
    Actual real life?

    Worrying about University, and getting a headache over it.
    Worrying about buying myself food.
    Worrying about preparing the food.
    Trying really hard to not think about stuff.
    Occasionally having lapses in this and becoming very, very sad, more than I know how to deal with.

    EDIT

    And momentary respites that feel good at the time, but leave me feeling utterly betrayed and disappointed when the good feelings wear off.
    I don't know if my post will be any good, but for me leaving home was exciting. I didn't care much if there were times I couldn't afford food, that was just part of the new adventure. I looked forward to meeting new people, new girls. I thought about the positives and thought about the negatives as positives. For instance, no money? well at least I'm rich in spirit.

    There will be plenty other people with the same problems as yourself so you won't be pressurized into feeling left out.

    And on that, if you don't feel ready for it yet, take a year out first. Don't let others expectations of you become more important than yourself.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thanks Arthur View Post
    Actual real life?

    Worrying about University, and getting a headache over it.
    Worrying about buying myself food.
    Worrying about preparing the food.
    Trying really hard to not think about stuff.
    Occasionally having lapses in this and becoming very, very sad, more than I know how to deal with.

    EDIT

    And momentary respites that feel good at the time, but leave me feeling utterly betrayed and disappointed when the good feelings wear off.
    Understood completely.

    Currently, I am susceptible to periodic emotional breakdowns, for no apparent reason, actually. Sometimes it all just gets too much...

    Anyway, I hope you find a solution at some point. My one hope that I am waiting on is university... if that fails, I give up too.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thanks Arthur View Post
    Actual real life?

    Worrying about University, and getting a headache over it.
    Worrying about buying myself food.
    Worrying about preparing the food.
    Trying really hard to not think about stuff.
    Occasionally having lapses in this and becoming very, very sad, more than I know how to deal with.

    EDIT

    And momentary respites that feel good at the time, but leave me feeling utterly betrayed and disappointed when the good feelings wear off.
    What about university?

    Also, sometimes with things you don't want to think about, the best thing is think about them and figure out if they are realistic beliefs or how you might change them or why you care.

    Do you get out much? Interact with people?
    “No psychologist should pretend to understand what he does not understand... Only fools and charlatans know everything and understand nothing.” -Anton Chekhov

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    You remind me a bit of myself in my high school years. I used to have similar emotional moments/outbursts/whatever you want to call them. Mostly as a result of the huge stress and changes in my life at that time, but also because I was (and have always been) a very emotional person. Things did get significantly better though, and they will for you too. Just hang tight.

    One thing I'm curious though. Why have you given up?
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

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    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    What do you regret the most in your life?
    4w5 sp/sx

    Please, direct all questioning of my self-typing to this thread. Thank you.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Knight View Post
    What do you regret the most in your life?
    Tough one. Probably not being able to really reconnect properly with my parents after growing up being terrified of them and later resenting them and all the BS they pulled on me.

    And thanks for your responses, guys. Your situation sounds a lot like mine, Ssmall. You really didn't have to stop rambling, I liked reading that I guess the difference is, I'm not really studying to get a job, I'm studying out of interest and hoping that leads to a job

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thanks Arthur View Post
    And thanks for your responses, guys. Your situation sounds a lot like mine, Ssmall. You really didn't have to stop rambling, I liked reading that I guess the difference is, I'm not really studying to get a job, I'm studying out of interest and hoping that leads to a job
    Heh, no its not a difference. I also studied out of interest and not in order to find the job, I simply lost interest in the process. Reality is though, it was just a way to run away from all of it, to purge everything into what I become. For me runing away is usually option number one, and by wanting to drop everything, my mind was doing just that. I actually already had some sort of a job when I wanted to drop my studies. The fact why Im glad I didnt is because I dont think it would have fixed anything at all, maybe even make it worse, I would still be studying probably .
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    Almost everyone finds love eventually. By the time they're 30 or so, most people are coupled off. You'll find someone too. Things will get better!

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    I don't know if there's a way to hang onto it and grow it rather than letting it fall and forgetting returning to the day-to-day drudgery. I don't know how to turn a feeling into a constant reality validating it as something more than just a passing mood. Some feelings provide rareness to transcend into another state or person (gateways) and watching them pass by not knowing how to pass through is indeed filled with longing before forgetting again. It's another way of experiencing suffering.

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    I want a life...
    Of poetry and magic.

    But such a life does not exist.
    Tell that to a hollywood actor that gets paid billions and can do whatever they want with the money. They pretty much are living a fairytale life. The mental perspective that life is painful and hard, makes life painful and hard. You just need to somehow retrain your brain to think positively, not negatively.

    When I wake up tomorrow, I will have nothing to keep me company but numbness and emptiness.
    Then do something different. Change it up. It won't be a miracle cure right away- but even if you fill your life with pain and annoying things you don't want to do, that's better than the nothingness inside isn't? And the more you live life , the more you make small choices day by day- the more you 'become the media' instead of 'watching the media' the clearer you will get about what you really want and what will make you happy. But it's gonna happen one step at a time.

    *hugs you* You just need emotional support while you make those choices. =D

    The beauty of the world will fall upon deaf ears and blind eyes.
    Not necessarily. I enjoy the world's beauty. I love going outside and looking at the sky and just basking everything in, spiritually. I forget how much I like that sometimes because like a lot of roleplaying losers I like video games and being glued to a computer. I think I might always prefer that. But it can get depressing.

    Right now, I live suspended in a moment of sublime beauty. It hurts so much, it's so sad, but I'm at least alive. I'm feeling something deeply. I'm alive. And it hurts, but it's so beautiful. It's absolutely wonderful beyond measure or expression. It hurts so goddamn much.
    It will get better. It's just a feeling, and feelings will pass. The greatest of feelings, and the lowest of feelings and all the things inbetween. They all just flow through your body and change up. So just hold on. Just 'stick it out.'

    I don't want to go back to always being a step behind my entire life, watching it inexorably unfurl in front of me.
    Yeah. Most people have a mindset of wanting to be a distant, objective observer instead of the participator. But the participator is the only one that feels the surge of joy and the aliveness. The participator also feels NEGATIVE feelings a lot, but that's way better then the nothingness you felt when you were the observer. To be the star and not the watcher though, you're going to have to learn an important spiritual lesson: You're going to have stop holding on hard to your mental perceptions and what you think you know. You're going to have to just 'be here now' and let go of your perceptions. You're just going to have to 'stick it out' and hold on when your emotions shift and change.

    Think about this. You know in video games, the 'all-seeing eye' is considered an Evil Omen. And it is evil. The First Evil, the symbol on cbs. This is evil. Evil beings don't feel. They only watch. They only gather things with their intellect. They are everywhere, but they lack the spiritual essence of emotions. When you stop trying to be this eye, when you stop giving the eye attention- when you stop 'trying to fight it' - you then begin blossoming spiritually. You're beginning to enjoy the ride. Because there's no 'set destination.' The universe and the world obviously isn't like that. It's not like that physically. (and the physical and spiritual are connected) If there was a goal how could anything improve or evolve?

    I don't want to go back to being an observer in my own mind.
    Being overly introspective isn't healthy for anybody. You're a good guy with a loving heart. You just need to probably exercise a bit more and work on your physical appearance and have a better self-image. But there's nothing wrong inside of you that you have to 'self-reflect' on. You don't really hurt others as far as I can tell. You troll people on the internet but who doesn't? =p

    I don't want to go back to playing games with people just to try and fit in,
    Yeah. And I always saw through this tactic too. It didn't really fool anybody though. You're being more real, and I'm liking you a lot for it.

    always hiding who I am, what I think, and what I feel.
    I wish people said their opinions more. But everybody in the midwest wants to be 'fake nice' and super-ego and just go along with what everybody else does. They're sheep. I'm like so mentally and spiritually above these dirtbags. But then again if I was around the hollywood narcissists, I would just want to compete with them and punch them in the face too. I've already found my family. It's here. On these internet message boards.... or I wouldn't feel 'pulled' to post here. Maybe I'll get a new family one day. But for now I think this is it. It might change or it might not. Just whatever you know?

    I don't want to go back to being alone in a world where I don't feel like I belong.
    A lot of people feel that way.

    I don't want to go back to the stress and the torture inherent in just trying to support the inane trifles of my own metabolism.
    Remember what I always told you? When we focus on ourselves, we're usually unhappy - when we focus on others, we're usually happy. Bullying feels better than being a useless victim. But helping others genuinely feels even better than bullying them!

    I want people to understand what I see. I want people to feel what I feel.
    I would say your goal should just try to be happier first, because wanting other people to understand your perspectives is harder than people realize at first. It's like byron katie said: People only know you by the stories they tell themselves. If they want to see you a certain way in their OWN minds, it can be difficult changing that- because then you're like living somebody else's dream. (Indirectly and not-intentionally mind you, but technically that's what's happening)

    So instead of worrying about being understood, or having people show genuine empathy to you- just focus on what brings you inner joy and all the other stuff might fall into place.

    I don't want to be so alone all the time.
    I know, but a healthy productive relationship with somebody else takes a lot of time and effort and of course you have to have natural chemistry on top of it. If you don't want to be alone/lonely you just have to work on it instead of taking the easy way out of ignoring other people and avoiding the human race because they didn't do something that you approved of. You have to stay connected, in other words. Don't think of it as hard though. But it will take work.

    I want something better than words. I wish I could hold someone's hand to my heart, and have all my feelings course through them.
    I think we all want that. But the problem is, people have too much of their own pain usually to absorb yours. People being happy and spiritually intuned will always be rarer than people being lost. One person being vibrationally aligned with their own source is a trillion times more powerful than 50,000 people who are not. They can't help you because they're too busy dealing with their own pain. The best thing that can help you is those dorky fantasy magical adventure shows that you probably like- because the hollywood writers who got that far in the world have it made (and they know it) and they don't have to deal with much pain. So they help other people as much as possible. But people in your regular life won't be able to do that very much.

    So the only way is to really 'get higher yourself.'

    I wish someone would understand. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. I wish there was someone out there who saw the same wonders as I did.
    Never stop believing or having hope. When you're meeting somebody romantically for the first time or even a new friend, it's very important to have a positive attitude. The world is too cynical and negative.

    But none of that can happen.
    Well no, it can't happen when you already decided that it won't happen. You have to believe/think it in your mind as if it already happened first, before you can enjoy the physical manifestation.

    It's like life is a cruel joke.
    You just need a hug.

    Even though I gave up long ago, my body keeps marching on, to the rhythm that time drums out. I wish it could all be over, and I have done for a long time now. But it never ends, and there's no escape. There's no way out.
    You don't want a 'way out' you just want to feel better. You want a WAY IN.

    And it sucks.
    This too shall pass.
    Last edited by Shazaam; 01-13-2011 at 02:00 PM.

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    University years can suck for the same reason high school years can suck. It's too much of a closed community. Things are much better once you get past that and have a larger pool of people to draw from and to interact with.

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    Thanks, Sammy

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    You don't want a 'way out' you just want to feel better. You want a WAY IN.
    I usually never understand the intents or contents of your posts, but this... is deep.
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    This might sound cold, but if you'd given up, you would be dead (suicide) or you wouldn't have any expectations or desires for yourself and content to the point of dissociation with however the world might treat you from day to day.

    There are people that worry and stress over things that they think they deserve or need, be it for a social reason, standard of living reason, or more biological desire such as hunger, companionship, or love. It can cause a lot of distress. It's in our programming to want these things; someone who is socially ostracized and/or isolated feels emotional dissonance; someone who isn't able to eat well or enough to be considered nourished feels fatigue and pain; someone that is cold or dehydrated will have trouble sleeping and functioning.

    These things can all make a person very 'uncomfortable'. But it isn't being uncomfortable that bothers these kinds of people, it's the worry and stress that they create because they believe or fester this fearful instinct that they aren't getting what they need or deserve. When those people keep such a fear at bay or even teach themselves not to allow it to take form at all, this leaves them able to now enjoy their Qualia and feel free, when before they felt like slaves being forced to run a marathon or get the whip.

    Why am I saying this? I know it sounds religious and all that, but at least it's an actual solution for some as opposed to empty stock-saying emotional support or a solicitation to a drug or religion that is much more common, but completely unhelpful for solving any real problems without being there directly, in person, in their life, for them. Because what good is that if you still end up having to deal with the exact same problems?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Milkor View Post
    ...but at least it's an actual solution...
    I only see analysis. Where/what is the solution?
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Parkster View Post
    I only see analysis. Where/what is the solution?
    To let go.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thanks Arthur View Post
    Of poetry and magic.

    But such a life does not exist. When I wake up tomorrow, I will have nothing to keep me company but numbness and emptiness. The beauty of the world will fall upon deaf ears and blind eyes. Right now, I live suspended in a moment of sublime beauty. It hurts so much, it's so sad, but I'm at least alive. I'm feeling something deeply. I'm alive. And it hurts, but it's so beautiful. It's absolutely wonderful beyond measure or expression. It hurts so goddamn much.

    I don't want to go back to always being a step behind my entire life,
    watching it inexorably unfurl in front of me. I don't want to go back to being an observer in my own mind. I don't want to go back to playing games with people just to try and fit in, always hiding who I am, what I think, and what I feel. I don't want to go back to being alone in a world where I don't feel like I belong. I don't want to go back to the stress and the torture inherent in just trying to support the inane trifles of my own metabolism.

    I want people to understand what I see. I want people to feel what I feel. I don't want to be so alone all the time. I want something better than words. I wish I could hold someone's hand to my heart, and have all my feelings course through them. I wish someone would understand. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. I wish there was someone out there who saw the same wonders as I did.

    But none of that can happen.

    It's like life is a cruel joke. Even though I gave up long ago, my body keeps marching on, to the rhythm that time drums out. I wish it could all be over, and I have done for a long time now. But it never ends, and there's no escape. There's no way out.

    And it sucks.

    Bro,

    I love you, in a way. So for that reason I am not going to supervise you to smithereens right now.

    Posts I wrote in the past contain less nuance.
    If you're in this forum to learn something, be careful. Lots of misplaced toxicity.

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