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Thread: SLEs/ESTps needing relationships to be defined for them

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    redbaron's Avatar
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    Default SLEs/ESTps needing relationships to be defined for them

    they often adopt the attitude of: "if you tell me what this relationship is, I'll try to act accordingly" and then proceed to follow your lead. It's really funny and cute.

    for example, if I openly proclaim that we're friends (whether with a male or female), they suddenly start acting like one. But if I drift off and don't show them anything one way or the other, they're kind of lost and don't know what to do. It's like they'll assume you don't want them unless you show interest and define it for them with creative Fe. Even SLE women are like this!

    They also don't usually SAY they're sorry, but they will SHOW that they're sorry by chatting you up and being more playful than usual and initiating contact. It's their way of making sure things are okay. If they think they've hurt you, and they care about you, they genuinely feel bad about it but sometimes don't realize the damage they did until after it's over. I think this pains them a bit but they're so glad to be easily forgiven, as most IEIs are able to do.

    I can see why these dual relations can be difficult to start because often, the SLE will charge in quickly and the IEI will stand back, unsure. SLEs are fast and action-oriented (no brakes) whereas IEIs (can be) more thoughtful and reticent which can sometimes leave them behind in the dust or leave the SLE questioning what's wrong and why the IEI is being so difficult or unsure of themselves.

    of course this has all been said before. but it's interesting to watch it play out among various people I know.

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    Feeling fucking fantastic golden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    they often adopt the attitude of: "if you tell me what this relationship is, I'll try to act accordingly" and then proceed to follow your lead. It's really funny and cute.
    My commentary may be of limited value, because I'm new to duality. My boyfriend appears to be SLE, and there's a second apparent SLE I've been sort of courting. So.

    Regarding this, in a way I agree. I'm the one who's supposed to apply definition to the relationship, yes. And to the extent that I cannot, my current guy is a little lost and tortured. Do I think it's funny and cute? Er, not so very much. He tends to exert a lot of pressure on me in this regard; he tries not to, but we keep coming back to it.

    for example, if I openly proclaim that we're friends (whether with a male or female), they suddenly start acting like one. But if I drift off and don't show them anything one way or the other, they're kind of lost and don't know what to do. It's like they'll assume you don't want them unless you show interest and define it for them with creative Fe. Even SLE women are like this!
    I'm experiencing this sort of. I get a lot of questions about what "we" are doing, what "we" are going to do and be to each other ... he needs a lot of reassurance, and he tends to assume that the relationship is going to go nowhere and be nullified unless I say otherwise, frequently.

    They also don't usually SAY they're sorry, but they will SHOW that they're sorry by chatting you up and being more playful than usual and initiating contact. It's their way of making sure things are okay. If they think they've hurt you, and they care about you, they genuinely feel bad about it but sometimes don't realize the damage they did until after it's over. I think this pains them a bit but they're so glad to be easily forgiven, as most IEIs are able to do.
    The current man's way of really making things up to me is in fact by being very ridiculous, making fun of me, of everything. He has said in the past that teasing me is his way of showing me he loves me. However, he has no problem telling me he's sorry. He's pretty rough with me emotionally and in other ways sometimes, and he apologizes readily. That said, I have never heard him apologize to anyone else for anything.

    The second SLE apologized to me once for being overbearing and harsh and hurtful. He's for sure not inclined to frequently apologize for anything. He knows how he is and has sort of arranged his life so he can be that way.

    I would say in the latter guy's case, what he wants is to find someone who can love him with that segment of his personality intact--I mean, it's not like he could change it in a healthy way even if he wanted to, right?

    I can see why these dual relations can be difficult to start because often, the SLE will charge in quickly and the IEI will stand back, unsure. SLEs are fast and action-oriented (no brakes) whereas IEIs (can be) more thoughtful and reticent which can sometimes leave them behind in the dust or leave the SLE questioning what's wrong and why the IEI is being so difficult or unsure of themselves.

    of course this has all been said before. but it's interesting to watch it play out among various people I know.
    Yeah, in both cases, it's sort of like just add water and poof, there's a relationship, and I'm supposed to instantly belong to the guy and keep him assured that I am his and that things will remain that way. And in both cases, I am the one who is dragging my heels. I mean, I also do the "poof" thing, but there's a part of me that lags behind, deciding, pondering, and it's very obvious to SLE no. 1 that I'm doing this, and it makes him a little crazy.

    And now he knows about SLE no. 2 and more or less flipped out.

    The truth is, he doesn't have nearly as much self-confidence as people would assume based on his behavior, and I knew this about him from the get-go. Same with no. 2, but it plays out differently for him, I think ...
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    redbaron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Golden View Post
    The truth is, he doesn't have nearly as much self-confidence as people would assume based on his behavior, and I knew this about him from the get-go. Same with no. 2, but it plays out differently for him, I think ...
    SLEs are much less self-confident on the inside than they seem on the outside, I've found.

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    SLEs are much less self-confident on the inside than they seem on the outside, I've found.
    trudat

    the inside of an SLE can be a lonely, hopeless place. not that they'd ever tell you.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Ahh memories are resurfacing from reading this thread.

    I can't believe I was in the same classroom with one IEI male, a SEE female, and a SLE female. Two potential duality pairs that never happened. Of course I went for the SLE over the SEE, the former was more unpredictable and mysterious. The IEI connected a little with the SLE once and I just knew they were perfect for each other, though I got a little jealous. My physics teach teacher told us(SEE/ILI) we had great chemistry. I was like "whaa?" Now I realize what he was talking about. In retrospect, we were good friends to each other.

    Don't know where I was going with this..so yeah... SLEs.
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    take a second of me sarinana's Avatar
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    I tried to calm down one SLE with my negativistic Ni cause I see future in shades of grey... He thanked me for the ray of optimism. Now we don't talk.

    Edited.
    We still have sex tho.
    Last edited by sarinana; 11-21-2010 at 07:02 PM.
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    redbaron's Avatar
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    I find it super super cute, Starfall. I love to hear about it! Your SLE sounds adorable.

    I guess I wasn't talking about romantic relationships above, as much as I was just general friendships.

    and yeah, I love that song....

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    This makes SLEs seem really simple.

    And I think they are, they just need a bit of someone giving them a bit of attention and then they're comfortable enough to express themselves and clown about.

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    Coldest of the Socion EyeSeeCold's Avatar
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    They're a bit intimidating though when the HA Fe is activated. At least to my Fe PoLR (I just realized this would go for them also with my HA Fi and their Fi PoLR).

    I can only approach them on their own, which is usually rare. Although I think they are loners at heart, .
    Last edited by EyeSeeCold; 11-19-2010 at 04:14 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by EyeSeeCold View Post
    Although I think they are loners at heart, .
    yeah... that kinda makes me sad though.

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    Coldest of the Socion EyeSeeCold's Avatar
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    I guess that's creative Fe's role then. I see them looking "lost" but I'd approach them with conversation rather than cheer.
    (i)NTFS

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    Quote Originally Posted by EyeSeeCold View Post
    I guess that's creative Fe's role then. I see them looking "lost" but I'd approach them with conversation rather than cheer.
    cheerful conversation!

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