Three with Four: A Performer-Romantic Couple

Both are focused on image and the degree of regard that they receive from other people. Performers want respect for achievement, and Romantics need to be seen as distinctive and unique. The couple usually presents itself well in public, often adopting a lifestyle that emanates successful elegance. Initial attractions show Three drawn to the inner drama of Four as a counterpart to their own desire for public recognition. From the Four side, a Three's preoccupation with worldly events can be equally challenging. Performers seem perpetually focused on their work, even during private moments. This displacement of attention can be irritating to Romantics, who crave intimate connection, but a Performer's task orientation also creates a psychological distancing mechanism that can be attractive. Four partners never seem to get enough of their Three's attention, which makes them focus on the best features of what seems to be missing. Here's an example of the difference in the couple's point of view.

Dreams
[Three with Four] My wife and I are driving into a Santa Fe sunset. We're sailing into heaven. Three hundred sixty degrees of moving color, including little shades of green. We park on a ridge above town, and it's just dazzling. We hold hands with the light blazing through the windshield, and then I start to here her sob. "There'll never be another like this, and soon it will be gone." At the same moment, I'm aware that I'm thinking of an elaborate scheme concerning second jobs for both of us, which will buy us a piece of the ridge.

(btw lollll)

The couple's major difficulty will concern Four's moods and Three's suspended feelings. It's a recurrent theme in this relationship. Four longs, while Three promises more time and then reneges. It will be difficult for Fours to let the image of promised intimacy assume a reasonable shape. Three's unavailability can be magnetizing because the couple never has quite enough time together to make the relationship ordinary. Deprived of intimacy, Fours often go into high drama, recriminations, or deep depression, which is just the kind of emotional demand that Threes detest. Fours overvalue emotional life, and Threes undervalue it. A crisis can develop if Four competes for attention and Three goes into evasive action by overscheduling other commitments. It helps if each can enter the other's worldview. Threes, for example, typically demonstrate their commitment by working "for us". Wise Fours might lend themselves to this "unemotional" way of loving and learn to see the difference between using work to numb emotion and working as a demonstration of commitment.
Threes want to be successful in the eyes of their significants, and Fours dissatisfaction can feel like a blow to self-esteem. Rather than retaliating by trivializing Four's yearning spirit or feeling underappreciated for "all the work that I've done for us," it helps when Threes can lend themselves to the Romantic's fascination with things that are missing in life. Learning to experience the full range of emotions that Fours exemplify could be the task of a lifetime, and one that could make this relationship deeply satisfying instead of merely successful.