Marrying late in life (or not at all) and socionics types

[implied]

Which types do you think are most likely to marry late in life or skip it altogether?

My guess is NT types are somewhat later than average, even more so if introverted, and even even more so if LII. I think being a rational type, LII is more set in their ways and less likely to make the compromises necessary for marriage. But that's just a hypothesis.

Using myself as an example, I'm 31 and still single. And I don't anticipate that changing anytime in the near future. I'm not in a relationship with anyone right now. It's been a few years since I've dated anybody and I've only dated a handful of people my whole life. None of the relationships lasted more than a few months. Part of it was my own undoing- breaking off relationships because I felt anxious about the whole relationship thing and not ready to commit. And fear of being hurt in the future. A couple of these relationships had potential to be a lot more but fizzled out.

The average age for marriage in the United States is something like 26 for women and 28 for men. So I'm already much later than the average.

Also, about 90-95% will marry sometime in their life. What I'm interested in is what distinguishes those who never tie the knot from those who do.

i didn't realize the u.s. average was "so late." i really expected early 20's to be the norm.

i think pairs of extroverts are more likely to get married early and it isn't particularly a club-related thing. it does involve two people.

to me, even with "NT traits" people often act differently when they get deep into a relationship, and suddenly marriage isn't a weird thing.

i have a close friend who i believe is INTj. he's getting married in may, and i suspect that the reason he wasn't already married had little to do with a lack of desire to be with someone versus the fact that he was always busy with his phD (and other things that basically make it hard to meet people/get close to people.) anyhow, once he met someone the whole thing progressed quickly.

i'm not married & never have been @ 28. ^_^

[redbaron]

i think pairs of extroverts are more likely to get married early and it isn't particularly a club-related thing.

interesting thought.

[The Exception]

Here's another thought I've had. I know I'm not all that good at asserting myself, so worry that I'll have to compromise myself too much to meet the other's needs and expectations is a very real concern for me. I have a strong drive to please to and accomodate the person's wishes. Within reason of course. However, being authentic and true to myself is essential, so even if I did all these things to make my partner happy, I wouldn't be happy unless I could be true to myself.

I know an older couple who's been married for over 40 years. The woman is a domineering type and the man just gives in to her most of the time. The man is one of those self-sacrificing types who loves nothing more than to please his partner. He's not at all dissatisfied with his marriage. For him, the relationship is truly more important than realizing his own wishes and desires. There's a lot of things I know he would do differently if he was alone but he's not bothered by the notion that he's not being true to himself even though its obvious to me and others.

The woman is happily married as well and can truly be true to herself in the presence of another person because she imposes her ways on her partner. When they travel, she makes her husband go where she wants to go, she always has control of the remote, makes her husband watch certain TV shows with her, etc. I defintely would not feel comfortable making my mate do things with me.

[xerx]

When I was younger I used to dream about getting married as early as possible. And I'd wear a pink dress at my wedding and we'd live together forever and ever.

[implied]

apparently, the studies now claim that divorce is more or less something that young people do more than old people. whether older people stay together for kids or maturity, i think that's a better thing to aim for. divorces are expensive.

[implied]

Yup. When you feel deeply, it's easy to think 'well, marriage might not be a bad thing.' I think this is why I make rules about who I will allow myself to be involved with, potentially, and who I would not regardless of my own feelings. It's too easy to consider compromising a lot and sacrificing a lot for people who, in hindsight, are completely not worth it or will become a dead weight to drag you down after the good times end. Despite my resolve, when I have feelings, I give a lot whether it's obvious or not. And it's quite foolish and wastes an enormous amount of precious time and energy. And once you stop giving upon realizing someone is not worth it, is disrespectful and just plain hurtful, and/or not who you thought they were, usually the other person realizes what was being given and demand from you as if you owe them something. It's a huge burden. I think just deciding to stay single will help in the long run among other deciding factors of a potential partner.

I am too easily fooled into believing someone is kind and considerate but it's rarely the case and I just get played. Hence why I would prefer to have nothing to do with relationships of that sort. It just...sucks. I don't know how to pick them and I draw highly questionable people, too, to put it kindly. At least people who have no clue how to help themselves and be responsible for their own emotions.

yeah, you sound just like me, seriously.

[redbaron]

apparently, the studies now claim that divorce is more or less something that young people do more than old people. whether older people stay together for kids or maturity, i think that's a better thing to aim for. divorces are expensive.

true but when someone's in a truly unhappy marriage, there are other more intangible expenses. It can be a lose-lose thing. Cut your losses, etc.

[implied]

true but when someone's in a truly unhappy marriage, there are other more intangible expenses. It can be a lose-lose thing. Cut your losses, etc.

oh yeah, definitely not trying to imply that you should stay with someone because you're cheap. i only think people should try to work it out/see what went wrong/etc before they jump ship. obviously this doesn't apply to situations where spousal abuse and other unforgivables are involved.

[redbaron]

oh yeah, definitely not trying to imply that you should stay with someone because you're cheap. i only think people should try to work it out/see what went wrong/etc before they jump ship. obviously this doesn't apply to situations where spousal abuse and other unforgivables are involved.

yup, exactly. I was just thinking about this situation where this friend of mine was talking to another friend, telling her she should stay in her marriage because she'll be better off financially when she's older and I was like . NOT a good reason.

[Kaze]

Always thought I'd marry late in life... at least, I kind of gave myself a deadline to be around the same age as my old man (37 or something).

I don't know about even that now though... The more married people/friends I see, the more I'm getting repulsed by it. They don't do shit except hibernate, work, occassionally go out on "girls/guys" night out, throw birthday parties for their smartass kids.. Really now. Why would I ever want this again?

[edit] Umm none of the above means I'm cynical about love or anything. Heh.. (maybe a little).. I want love, but not at the expense of adventure and a social life. I could have gotten married by now, but I'm almost sure it would have turned out that way for me with two people in particular. Glad I didn't jump too far into things..

[jewels]

I hate losing myself in relationships. It happens way too easily, and I think it's because of how well I've trained myself to need very little, and how reluctant I am to let anyone know my thoughts, or my wants. I also give too much because of how much I want to be loved. That's a problem. And I end up unhappy, and caught up as a part of someone else's life, rather than my own.

I like me. I like me a lot more than any guy I've ever dated. And I enjoy being me, and doing the things that make me happy, and living a life that is mine. I don't want to make anyone else happy, or worry about pleasing anyone else. I'm better alone, happier and more at peace.

I think too many people see a single person and think that they must be miserable. It's not always true. Sometimes it's the opposite. They're better off and happier by themselves. I think I'm one of those people who shouldn't be married. Some people are so much better off and happier when they are married or in a serious relationship. I'm not. Maybe you're not either. I don't know.

I definitely agree that when faced with either a bad relationship (or one that doesn't allow you to be yourself, w/ wants and needs and things that make you happy), then it's of course MUCH better to be on your own, and make yourself happy.

And there's also the option that you'll still meet someone great who unlike the past ones, does allow you to live your own life/not need you to take care of him/makes you happy, etc.

[Blaze]

I hate losing myself in relationships. It happens way too easily, and I think it's because of how well I've trained myself to need very little, and how reluctant I am to let anyone know my thoughts, or my wants. I also give too much because of how much I want to be loved. That's a problem. And I end up unhappy, and caught up as a part of someone else's life, rather than my own.

I like me. I like me a lot more than any guy I've ever dated. And I enjoy being me, and doing the things that make me happy, and living a life that is mine. I don't want to make anyone else happy, or worry about pleasing anyone else. I'm better alone, happier and more at peace.

I think too many people see a single person and think that they must be miserable. It's not always true. Sometimes it's the opposite. They're better off and happier by themselves. I think I'm one of those people who shouldn't be married. Some people are so much better off and happier when they are married or in a serious relationship. I'm not. Maybe you're not either. I don't know.

i see this post and think wow that's just great, you are really coming into your own after a very rough time. awesome!!!

[Suz]

I hate losing myself in relationships.

I like me. I like me a lot more than any guy I've ever dated. And I enjoy being me, and doing the things that make me happy, and living a life that is mine. I don't want to make anyone else happy, or worry about pleasing anyone else. I'm better alone, happier and more at peace.

I think too many people see a single person and think that they must be miserable. It's not always true. Sometimes it's the opposite. They're better off and happier by themselves. I think I'm one of those people who shouldn't be married. Some people are so much better off and happier when they are married or in a serious relationship. I'm not. Maybe you're not either. I don't know.

I actually completely agree with you there Diana.

(oh oops, you think I agree with everything )

But I really do agree.

[redbaron]

love your post, Diana.

[Creepy-Pied Piper]

Removed at User Request

[Rubicon]

I don't see the appeal at all in trying to maintain a sense of self-identity - if that's indeed what you lose in a relationship. :-P But I guess I don't have much of an idea of mine, because I only really know who I am/ what I'm like when I'm with people - when I'm responding and reacting to them. Or at least that's when I get some idea of my self-worth. Life on my own seems so utterly pointless that I can't begin to express how utterly pointless I would find a life that has no point to it except that of repeating my own pointless activities day after day in a pointless cyclical pattern of pointlessness. Not to get depressing, but I'd commit suicide instantly if I thought that such a life was in store for me. Maybe not instantly - I'd do a few things first.. but yeah.

[Nowisthetime]

I'm in my mid 30ies and single. I worry a little about age, but not very much, since I look very young. I would marry any time if I had someone I wanted to marry. I'm hoping for a nice ILE.

It has taken me almost two decades to learn how to date girls. When I was like 20 I had long relationships, so I never learned how to date and meet different girls. It's fun to date, I'm still learning. And to discover that pretty girls are really not that dangerous after all.

[Slacker]

I have to think it would be better to be single than unhappily married.

[Creepy-Pied Piper]

Removed at User Request

[Blaze]

I don't see the appeal at all in trying to maintain a sense of self-identity - if that's indeed what you lose in a relationship. :-P But I guess I don't have much of an idea of mine, because I only really know who I am/ what I'm like when I'm with people - when I'm responding and reacting to them. Or at least that's when I get some idea of my self-worth. Life on my own seems so utterly pointless that I can't begin to express how utterly pointless I would find a life that has no point to it except that of repeating my own pointless activities day after day in a pointless cyclical pattern of pointlessness. Not to get depressing, but I'd commit suicide instantly if I thought that such a life was in store for me. Maybe not instantly - I'd do a few things first.. but yeah.

this. the pointlessness of it all, i totally agree.

love your sig, btw

[Rubicon]

love your sig, btw

me too! they're words of wisdom!

[The Exception]

I have to think it would be better to be single than unhappily married.

Amen to that.

[Creepy-Pied Piper]

Removed at User Request

[Suz]

The grapes are sour, indeed.

LOL!

yes they are my friend, yes they are. . .

[redbaron]

Yes, common sense is such a sour thing. Damn those single people who enjoy it and don't cave in to society's fairy tale farce that to be loved and happy one must be married! Such cynics they are!

aixelsyd, you make me laugh!

[Creepy-Pied Piper]

Removed at User Request

[GallopingQwerty]

You're right I think about the ENFp/ISTp being the latest, if at all, I think. I know some ENFps and an ISTp, and they all seem fine with going solo.

I am an ENFp and, though I have been proposed to numerous times, I am still unmarried. Sometimes it was because I was scared off, sometimes it was because I felt like they were proposing to *anyone* and not really me (I seem to attract folks who want to settle down right now no matter who it is), only once was I seriously considering it but there was no way at the time that we could have been in the same part of the country.

And yeah, I'm still pretty happy to be single, have my own place, make my own hours, etc. This doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy to change things up if I met someone who made my heart sing, but I'm not sitting at home pining for a man, either.

So maybe there's something to this ENFp theory after all, because almost everyone else in my life can not believe that I'm possibly ok with being 30 and unmarried (except for one gal who, I'm pretty sure, is an ENFp herself).

[Creepy-Pied Piper]

Removed at User Request

[GallopingQwerty]

I suppose that assuming a gender role, even if only the idea of it, is one more thing which kept you unmarried?

Oddly enough, no... I've got so many interests in so many directions that I'm pretty happy to fit into whichever role is needed for the relationship I think mainly my problem was something that I found perfectly described in one of the socionics texts:

"Therefore, IEEs prefer to gradually ease into their relationships (whether formal or informal) by simply seeing what results when they let themselves be guided by their curiosity and natural interest level. They don't like to think about what others or "the system" might expect from them. They avoid clearly defining relationships, responsibilities, expectations, etc. and frequently feel threatened and overly rebellious when other people try to establish bounds and limitations that would affect them personally."

SO. FREAKIN. TRUE. All of the relationships that didn't work were ones where the other person was trying to define the relationship for both of us, though I didn't see it at the time. The two that I really felt could work out in the long run were relationships where I was setting the pace, and no real "labels" were used (though basic expectations were discussed). And the relationships where I felt the need to run away (in two cases to other states), were ones where the other person was exceedingly pushy about labeling everything and moved way too fast for me.

So I guess I need a guy who is interested in a relationship but isn't in a hurry to get married, and can work with his hands. Why the heck is this so hard to find?

This is why I'm thrilled to be a gal who is happy being single. I hate to think how miserable I'd be otherwise

[Scarlett]

people do start feeling pressure around age 30. for females it's having children. you figure, ok well i want to be married a little while with no kids, then start having some kids, and i really don't want to be too old when i have kids, ergo, 30 is the magic age of marriage anxiety.

i have noticed that 40 is the magic age of rebellion and marital switching up. coincides with mid life crisis, too. people get divorced and buy sports cars, start gambling and losing jobs, it's quite a scene. only the strong survive, for sure.

This is so true.
I met a lot of guys at work, most of them are in early or mid 40's, and they're all divorced. Very common.