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Thread: The 16 Types Adventures

  1. #81
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    Chapter 81: God Is Gay

    Evil Death Coach Regina Horton, who was a Pure demon in the other world, was now just a human in this No Gay world. Along with her husband Omar Warren, who was also a Pure Demon, is now a human. They were lying in bed together. They were on a vacation in Paris. The sun had just came up.

    Renee brushed her legs together, enjoying the way the satin sheets felt on her skin. “I could look in your eyes all day…” Renee said to Omar. She kissed him. She brushed a hand alongside his chocolate skin. “Interracial marriage is acceptable unlike the filth of homosexuality” she said.

    “Don’t talk about that. Why are you talking about that? It doesn’t….even really exist anymore.”

    Regina looked at Omar. “Sadly it still does. In dreams. And thoughts. And fantasies. In…potentiality. I wish I could just make it all go away so we could live life.”

    “We are living life” Omar said. “And don’t be silly. You can’t live life unless you think. At least, a little bit.”

    Regina traced a finger down along Omar's chest. Black dudes are so hot, she thought. “I know but….to think that I have to allow homosexuality to exist even in my thoughts angers me” Regina said. “There has to be some way to turn them off.”

    Omar shook his head. “People think. I mean, we dream, and visualize stuff a-and…”

    “Fantasies” Regina scoffed. “I like reality much better.”

    “This isn’t a romantic relationship to you?” Omar asked, puzzled.

    “Love is real. But that’s not the point. The point is….homosexuality needs to go away. Or I’m not satisfied.”

    Omar stood up. “What are you talking about honey? It IS done away with. Most gay men die when they hit puberty and realize they’re gay, no man is active with his homosexuality…..the world is at peace, there’s not even any magic or powers.”

    “Yes, there is. In our dreams and ideas. Therapists and the world leaders know of this. It all needs to be stopped.”

    “You can’t…you can’t have life without thinking, Renee. I-I’m sorry but, I just think you should maybe let this gay shit go?”

    Regina grabbed Omar by the shoulders and shook him violently. “There has to be somebody powerful enough to help me….”

    “Well in my old life, as a Pure Demon, I did business with a great being called the Dreamstopper. He can….stop dreams, a-and thoughts. But in this world, his powers would be gone and he’d just be a regular straight person like everybody else or….”

    Regina's eyes lit up. “A therapist.”

    Omar nodded. “Technically, the Dreamstopper’s power lives on in therapists. To erase the insecure and not-real thoughts in people’s heads so we can all just get a job and be normal and follow the rules” he said.

    Regina frowned. “That means….RPG classes and powers and gay love and hope still exists, just in a very diluted form. He tricked me.... The ****** tricked me.” Renee was FURIOUS and looked like a bitch on PMS, her skin flushed a warm mandarin color.

    Mr. Warren gulped. “There’s not a way to end ALL magic, I mean magic is the reason for all things being, you know?” Mr. Warren said. “Including yourself.”

    “Nonsense. We evolved from apes” Regina said.

    “Yeah but who made the apes?” Omar asked.

    “Well they evolved from…well see, it all started with the first life form.”

    “And how did that come into existence? Something from nothing? It just doesn’t make sense! All you scientists talk about evidence. Where’s the evidence for *that?*” Omar had one of his eyebrows raised.

    “Big Bang…Before life there was matter.”

    “And who made that? The raw matter. The first ‘something.’”

    “….Uh….It’s inevitable because um well you take the square root of te divided by the molecular structure of Prometheus’ triangle... Oh go fuck yourself, Omar.”

    “Magic. It’s the only solution. A pure force of spark that contains everything, literally everything, even homosexuality. I-I’m sorry honey but- I mean it has to exist in some form. Or even you can’t exist!”

    “You’re boring me.” Regina grabbed a dagger out of her dress and slit Mr. Warren's throat.

    She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “And I refuse to believe that’s true because I’m….I’m the Idea of Homophobia” Regina smiled sinisterly. “Albeit in a weaker form. But it’s me. Daddy is back. And I am *the* God. Nobody else.”

    Regina got up and looked herself in the mirror. She then punched it to bits and froze it a few seconds like The Source did that one time in the Charmed episode ‘Charmed and Dangerous’. When the glass shards fell down you could see her there standing and smiling bitch-ily. She then went in the closet and put on a black dress on. “Sam is going to pay.”
    Last edited by Hot Scalding Gayser; 01-15-2020 at 08:27 AM.

  2. #82
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    Chapter 82: Dawn of the Dreamstopper

    “S-acaama’s tstrhgt now” Omar said from his throat, which kept squirting out blood. He couldn’t really talk anymore and was near death.

    “He’s mired in ****** magic. Just like you. Just like everybody who isn’t me. You disgust me.” Regina Horton turned around and kicked Mr. Warren's head off.

    Just then, an obese Hispanic cleaning lady walked in the hotel room. She saw Mr. Warren decapitated and Regina Horton standing beside him. She picked up her cell phone from a pocket in her apron. “Hello, police? I’d like to report a murder.”

    “Don’t be silly, you fucking spic” Regina said. “He offed himself because he was gay.”

    The maid nodded. “Oh, that makes sense. Disgusting ******” she walked up to Mr. Warren's dead body and spat on him.

    Regina smiled at the spic. “I need to go….”

    Regina Horton talked to herself as she marched down the streets of Paris all bitchy and determined and ESTj like. “Well I don’t really have the power to blow up the whole world anymore, and people are different now. They’re happier now. They’d tried to stop me. But I still need to stop homosexuality, and that means stopping everybody else’s thoughts.”

    She noticed a skinny man walking next to her that looked particularly smart. He was wearing all black and had on a black beret. She grabbed him and pushed him against the brown brick wall of a chocolate shoppe. “Hey French ******, what is the name of the best therapist in the world?”

    “Well, it depends on who you ask….”

    Regina headbutted the man on his face, giving him a nose bleed. “Subjectivity is for ******s. Try again.”

    “Dr. Damien Voris…ze makes most money as therapist. Best in ze world.”

    Regina smiled. “Very well….and where is this Dr. Voris?’

    “Well ze’s Russian and ze lives in Moscow” the French man said.

    Regina punched the man down. People on the street looked at her and were startled. “Well, I’ll have to fly to Russia then. Too bad I can’t teleport anymore, fuck…”

    Later…

    Dr. Voris had a bunch of bobble-heads on his glass desk lined up. He was a chubby man that wore navy suits. He was bald with green mucus spit and glasses, and whisky eyebrows. He also chewed gum and smacked his lips when he talked. But he had a certain George Clooney-like masculinity and ruggedness underneath his male therapy-ness. He talked surprisingly smooth for somebody of his appearance.

    His doorway to his main office suddenly broke open. Dr. Voris swirled around in his expensive leather chair. He saw Regina Horton standing there, all bitchy and female bad-ass like with his assistant, Julie, wrapped around her arm in a headlock. Regina had a knife held up to Julie’s throat with her other arm.

    “You’re gonna help me Dr. or I’m going to slit your assistant’s throat” Regina said.

    “And why would I care? Nothing means anything to me. Meaning is for ******s and people with low self-esteem. I’m sorry Julie, but you know we can’t be co-dependent in life” Dr. Voris said.

    Regina rolled her eyes. “Oh right. T-that’s right.” She slit Julie’s throat and down the curly blonde protector of suburban ******s went. “I guess I have to force you to do it. Stop the thoughts Doctor. The ******ry lives on in my head!”

    “I know that, that’s why people see therapists. I can help you.”

    Regina started to sob. “Yes. Please just make it go away. I’m in too much pain. I just want to stop thinking and just do and just ride the ferris wheel in the carnival of life and stop thinking of these things like ‘how’s my hair, will anybody really love me. It’s just weak and faggy and then I think what if two men kiss in front of me and it’s this inner world bullshit. It’s driving me NUTS.”

    Dr. Voris smiled and waved two of his fingers in a downward motion all suave-like. Regina dropped down to the floor in a comatose state as all her thoughts were stopped from the doctor’s extreme advanced meditation technique. A state so meditative though, that it killed the target.

    Dr. Voris’ eyes sparkled with a new found awareness. He realized that HE now was the Idea of Homophobia. He looked down at Regina and Julie’s dead bodies. “Now, I just got a brilliant Idea.”
    Last edited by Hot Scalding Gayser; 01-15-2020 at 08:30 AM.

  3. #83
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    Chapter 83: Mere Memories

    “The Idea of Homophobia slash the Dreamstopper slash the Original Evil slash the main baddy bad of the story is going to win!” Memory Dolphin said to Memory Sam in the Realm of Memories. There’s a paragraph you don’t read every day.

    Sam shrugged. “We tried. They tried. We’re just memories but….they tried.”

    “I suppose in the end every race ends. Even the human race” Sam said.

    Dolphin shook her head. “There has to be SOMETHING we can do.”

    Sam put his head down for a moment then looked back up at Dolphin. “Well we’re memories right? We can make them remember.”

    Back on Earth…

    Sam and Dolphin were in bed together watching tv. “They’re thinking of banning tv, because people you know just need to do shit and live their lives and just take action and not you know idealize…and all tv is a form of idealized projection. But we can’t vote for it because there’s no government now and-“

    Sam put a finger on Dolphin’s mouth. “Honey? The kids are all away at Uncle Riddy’s house. Shut up and let me fuck you” he said. He reached down Dolphin’s skirt and began fingering her pussy.

    Sam suddenly got a vision of who he once was. “Oh god. Oh god. No. I can’t be…. I can’t be *gay? A gay magic shaman hero. What the fuck is that bullshit?”

    “Oh people have those thoughts all the time, you just have to get them cured in therapy” Dolphin said happily. “Now. Less thinking. Less talking. More doing. More doing of me.” She took Sam’s hand and thrust it deeper down into her cunt. “Oooounnngggh” she purred.

    Sam rolled over on top of his wife and kissed her passionately. He thrust his penis inside her. “I just…*thrust* …need to *thrust*… fuck women like *thrust* everybody else *thrust.*

    Dolphin moaned. “Oh god Sam you’re so straight and hot …take me. Take me now.” She thrashed her head from side to side as she got pounded. “Fuck me harder.”

    Dolphin got a vision of her own. As somebody who supported Sam’s gay life? No, impossible. That was just impossible. Dolphin shrugged it off and felt a waves and waves of pleasure at Sam came inside of her.

    Memory Sam looked at Memory Dolphin and frowned. “It….didn’t work. We don’t have enough power.”

    “We have to just keep trying” Memory Dolphin demanded.

    Memory Sam shook his head. “No. That will just drive them to suicide. I-I’m sorry but I don’t know what else to do.”

    “You can die” a voice said. Memory Sam and Memory Dolphin turned around and saw a projected image of Dr. Voris.

    “We’re memories! You can’t kill us” he said. “We’re not even alive anymore….we’re just memories!”

    “Maybe not. But I can certainly weaken you enough” Dr. Voris shot out two energy balls at Sam and Dolphin, knocking them unconscious. “Wow Sam. It must really suck for you. You found more happiness as a straight man. Gays still don’t have the right to marry. They’re still killed and executed in most countries. It’s still harshly punished and always will be and always *should* be. Face it. You lose. You’ll always lose. We will *always* win.” He shot out two more lightning bolts at the dynamic duo.

  4. #84
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    Chapter 84: Go Galen, Go!

    Galen got down from the boat after visiting Japan. (He was immune to all the big grand gesture world-changing event spells in previous chapters because Japan is a type of magic sanctuary, because they think they are better then everybody else because they are weird, and because they make rpgs by leaving the HP number at 9999 instead of putting a neat bow on everything and making the HP be '10,000'. And they are right.)

    “Man. I love Japan so much, they support homosexuals better than in America but it’s done in this really suave-foreign way he said with anime-hearts in his eyes. Like most gay men, he loved going to other cultures and exploring other worlds and bringing back the knowledge he gained to the lovely folks in middle of the world’s armpit: America. The smell of skunky American ass revolted Galen.

    Galen sighed. “But Sam is wrong if he thinks I’m just going to jump in to the cause right away” he said, reminiscing being in the battle against the Idea Abraham. “I have to prove to myself that I’m not just this victimy bottom that likes Pokemon. This is MY CHAPTER. This is my STORY. Sam….is too colorful. He needs to be more Fi and less Fe” Galen groaned underneath his breath. Then he thought ‘Man Ashton is so cute. I wish he were gay.’

    "EEK SOCIAL SITUATIONS AND PEOPLE ARE BEING ALL CRUEL AND STRAIGHT AND MANLY!" Galen suddenly said as he saw all the other people talk about what females they wanted to titfuck and shit like that. Galen hid behind a tree. “America sucks ass” Galen said.

    “Then again, you would like that” Hitta said.

    Galen spun around. “Hitta, what the fuck are you doing here?”

    “I’m tired of gay men being serious and uptight. They are not heroes. They are just weak fags.” He suddenly punched Galen in the stomach and made him vomit. “That is so fucking cool!” he said.

    Galen looked at hitta and glared. “Hitta. Trust me dude, you do NOT want to piss me off” he said.

    Hitta punched Galen down to the ground again. “Straight men own the world. Deal with it. The Idea of Homophobia will win AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYBODY CAN DO ABOUT IT” he said.

    Hitta’s eyes glowed black. Galen saw this and got scared. He looked around for some sort of weapon, but the grass was too neat and clean and starr commonwealth-like. There was no weapons. Galen recover flipped up like Buffy and said ‘Its Morphin Time!’ and transformed into his Wind Mage outfit.

    Galen’s theme music plays. Something adventuresome and upbeat, something victimishly at first that naturally ascends into an heroic, strong tone.

    “Gust!” Galen said, and shot out two mini-tornadoes at Hitta’s man-boobs. Hitta’s man boob-nipples just punched the winds away though.

    “Even though you have a better body than me I’m still going to win” Hitta said. “Because I’m more southparky and cool and straight and less empathetic than you are” Hitta said. He roundhouse kicked Galen in his horse-like face, knocking out a few teeth in the process.

    Galen tried to fight through the pain. “Hitta…I know deep down you’re a good guy. I know that the Idea of Homophobia is just possessing you, like it’s doing everybody else. I know that this isn’t the real you. I thought Sam would take care of it. But it’s proving to be a bigger foe that nobody can face….” Galen said.

    “Just let me win. Just let me destroy. Just let me break things. Just let me get rid of all reality. Then you’ll be happy. We’ll be a lot happier. The world would be a better place if you killed yourself. It’s not like anybody would miss you if you were gone.”

    Tears streaked down Galen’s face. He knew that wasn’t true. “You are just saying those things because you are evil. Sam’s right. As much as I may not like the guy, as much as I distance myself from him because I want a real man as a boyfriend and not a compassionate fag like he is…. Sam’s right. I have to fight you.”

    “Weak dude. So gay. Oooh look at the gay men banding together to fight the evil bad guy” Hitta mocked while doing his best sociopathic fat man ‘I’m a fag dance.’ “God. How retarded IS this story” anyway.

    “It’s pretty damn fucking good” Galen said, kicking Hitta in the nuts.

    “Wow. This feels good. It’s kinda nice to be gay and stand up for yourself. I thought it would make you feel kinda asian and queeny and unmanly but it’s sort of….nice?”

    Galen sighed. “Okay this is gay. I can’t just….fight and kill you. I have to hack away at the root of homophobia” Galen said. But Hitta had other plans for the little wind mage-that could.

    “How about I throat fuck you instead?” Hitta said and pushed Galen down to the knees.

    No. This was NOT going to happen. Galen bit Hitta’s dick off. And ran the other way.

  5. #85
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    Chapter 85: Excalibur

    Redbaron, Silverchris and Lucidreams were all tied up against the wall in some faraway fantasy castle. They were wearing brown tattered clothes and their hair was all a mess and had lice. They had been locked up here ever since Eldanen cast the Idea of No Gays, this is all they were. Prisoners.

    “We’re the forgotten ones” Lucid said sadly. “I know we were never that strong compared to the other adventurers. Are we being punished for being weak?” he wondered.

    “No…. we must have been locked up for a reason. We’re meant to do something good, I know it” Silverchris said.

    “The last thing I remember is that huge bully-in-black destroying a building with one hand and then poof, I-I’m here. Tied up against the wall, getting dirtier and smellier with each passing day” Lucid said.

    Suddenly, a white angel materialized in front of the three. She had strawberry-orange hair and wore a circular pendant. She was wearing a long off-white robe. “Yes, you three are the Lost Hearts of the 16types adventures. Half-demons who were saved by a dimensional trapping in the folds of time. You truly are humanity’s last hope” the wise angel said.

    Redbaron blinked. “We? I-I’m just a naïve middle-class housewife that spinelessly agrees with what everybody says on internet message boards” Redbaron said. “I can’t possibly be a hero.”

    “And I’m just a person who makes wishy-washy comments and I let Gilly walk all over me and I am vapid and empty and clear inside. It’s like I have no masculine core. Mommy help me I’m just a black white-acting nobody!” Silverchris shrieked.

    “The Gods chose you because of your humility” the angel said. “They knew you were innocent and human enough to handle the power of the Mighty Sword Excalibur. You will use it slay the Idea of Homophobia’s corporeal form and bring balance and peace back into Earth.”

    Redbaron frowned. “I t-think you got the wrong people I mean-“

    “The Gods do not falter in such a fashion!” the angel said, her voice booming like an overbearing mother. “Now, I shall free you three of your chains. You must work together and overcome the trials in this castle. If at least one of you can reach the sword Excalibur, then humanity might be saved.”

    “If it’s our destiny…why not just give us the sword ourselves?” Silverchris asked.

    “You must still prove yourselves. Good does not force. Only Evil.” The angel then waved his hands and the chains bounding them were unleashed. “Play well, children. The very fate of humanity rests in your hands!”

    “F-finally” Redbaron said. She looked around at her physical surroundings. There was a cold draft coming from all directions of the castle’s walls. They were way high up, when you looked out the windows you saw nothing but fast passing clouds. “Where are we?” Redbaron asked, but the angel had vanished- there was nothing here but the trio, although she sensed danger lurking in the distance.

    “We can do this” Lucid said, trying to be confident. “We have powers, and stuff. I can heal….Silver you tank (because he’s black) man, and Redbaron you have strong magic attacks. Remember the basics, r-right?”

    Silver stepped up. His body was trembling. “I-I’m not much of a t-tank b-but okay.” He took one step forward and heard rustling in the distance. A swarm of bats flew down toward the trio. They screamed and ducked down.

    Redbaron squinted her eyes. “That tree, it’s just an illusion. What’s a tree doing in a castle?” She cast a fire spell on the tree but it bounced back and Redbaron was caught on fire instead.

    “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Redbaron said. She was on fire now. Silverchris tackled her and rolled her down. Shit, second-degree burns. She’d be scarred for life. Lucid healed her, but his heals were never that good and were only enough to keep her alive, not get rid of the burn marks.

    Redbaron started crying. Lucid went up to her and slapped her. “Get up. We can’t be wusses here.”

    “But we ARE wusses. We aren’t cut out for this” Redbaron said.

    “You should have known better then to cast spells on an Illusion” Silverchris said directly.

    Rebaron apologized and walked further in the castle. She tripped over a vase and apologized to the vase for tripping over it. Both Lucid and Chris facepalmed at that.

    “This is going to be a long dungeon” Lucid said.

    Suddenly, a big red door like the end of a Super Mario World castle appeared before the trio. Apparently not that long. Behind the door, exclaibur could be seen shining and sparkling. They made it. There was text etched on the podium where the sword lay penetrated:

    “What is hope but an illusion? An hope for a reality that well, isn’t real. But just because it isn’t real, doesn’t mean that it’s not. For the light of pure hope is the only thing that can save us when everything real has gone to shit. Like the gray steppe-ish upliftedness of pure poetry, only the power of a world not thought before can take us to the next one. Forged from humanity’s First Tears, this weapon can be used for one Pure Idea. I am not only Excalibur, but I am also the Idea of Hope. Anybody can use me though. Even Hope can be wield for twisted schemes, sadly. I hope whomever has discovered me, is truly worthy.”

    Lucid read all that and felt inspired. He touched the sword and suddenly, holy rays of pure white light blasted out Lucid, Silverchris and Redbaron’s hearts. They collapsed on the floor together in unison. But they died being good guys fighting the good fight. Like Numbers, they died knowing who they were.

    “Are they worthy, or is that just what we tell ourselves to feel better?” the angel said, materializing into the room and observing all the loss…all the destruction. She honestly didn’t know. “The sword killed those poor people…and then it fell back down to earth. Landed god knows where. I’m not sure if this is a good thing, or a bad thing. But I don’t want to say ‘it is what it is’ like jaded 20-somethings with no hope, that live the most mediocre, middle class lifestyles.” The angel sighed and went back to sitting in a chair in the castle. “It sucks being an angel sometimes” it said.
    Last edited by Hot Scalding Gayser; 12-27-2010 at 05:26 PM.

  6. #86
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    Chapter 86: The Master Plan

    Dr. Voris sat down around a large table with seven other people. They were all on the top floor of a 70-foot building and had on dark blue business suits. Dark Ashton, Dark Dolphin, Jennifer Granholm, Jerry & Esther Hicks, Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.

    “Imagine, curing the mental illness of homosexuality in one fell swoop” Dr. Voris said. He placed a small computer chip on the table. “This chip will transmit a frequency across the world that will stop all thoughts” he said. “We just have to put it on a satellite and send it up to outer space and bam!”

    “It’s too dangerous. Thoughts are too intertwined together, how can we stop all thoughts?” Eckhart said.

    “Well we can’t. Everybody in the world will die. Except for us” Jennifer Granholm said. She plopped down a black suitcase on the table, unhook the latch and inside there was 8 syringes. “This is illuminati demon reptile blood, purified and frozen. We shoot ourselves up with this and we all become Demi-Gods” she said. “Enough power to keep our ownselves in tact while everybody else dies.”

    Esther smiled evilly. “I sucked out all the money I can from people. It’s too easy. Just kill them all I say, just kill them all!” She jumped on Jerry’s lap and begun making out with him. “They deserve it because they’re not as special as us” she said.

    “And then we will have a fight to the death with each other with our new Demi-God powers” Jennifer said. “A fight to see who is the Ultimate Ruler of the World.”

    Dark Ashton smiled. “Just like it was in the realm of Ideas, only down on earth instead.”

    “This is what I’ve always wanted” Dr. Voris/Idea of Homophobia/The Dreamstopper said. “It was my ultimate plan all along. Bring heaven down to earth so heaven can be eradicated!”

    “God he’s so evil and hot” Esther said. “Fuck me now woohoo!” She took some cash out of her boobs and threw it up in the air.

    Suddenly, Dark Ashton and Dark Dolphin both ran to the syringes and shot themselves up, using two instead of one!

    “You guys aren’t going to get away with this!” Dark Ashton said. Dark Dolphin nodded.

    “Holy shit, we have spies!” Jennifer said. She ripped the thigh-part of her skirt like women do in all those action movies before they’re about to high kick somebody.

    Dark Ashton’s eyes bulged out and his muscles got a lot bigger and he got X-ray vision. He felt like he could easily lift a car. But then, his eyes bulged out so much that the right one fell right out of its socket! He saw everything from his vision becoming cloudy and blacky and melting away. He grabbed on to Dark Dolphin, holding her. They held each other and their skin began to slowly melt until you could see nothing else but skeletons.

    “Idiots” Jennifer said. “You can’t take more than one dose or it will kill you” she said. “Haha the fag-enablers failed. And don’t worry, I have more of ‘em” she said. “I can get more later.”

    Dr. Voris smiled and then suddenly stabbed Jennifer Granholm in the neck with a pair of scissors. “Thank you ma’am, but we don’t have the time.” He killed her primarily because out of all of them, she fag-enabled the most.

    Dr. Voris looked down at the open briefcase. Four syringes left. “So one more person has to die” Dr. Voris said. “Jerry, Esther, Byron …or Eckhart.” Of course it wouldn’t be Dr. Voris himself.

    Byron Katie just stood there looking scared. She thought for sure it was going to be her. She was quiet and ambivalent and group home-y about all this, not knowing how much she really wanted to follow through.

    Jerry put Eckhart in a headlock. Esther took out a hand gun from her purse and shot Eckhart down.

    Byron Katie sighed in relief. She crossed her arms together and smiled.

    Meanwhile, up in the Realm of Memories…

    “Shit…” Memory Dolphin said. Dark Dolphin and Dark Ashton were my creations. I thought that I could control them from up here and destroy the operation from the inside out but….they got too power hungry, being Dark and all. They weren’t supposed to do that and now they’re gone and. Oh fuck.”

    Sam wrapped his big faggy arms around Dolphin and hugged her.

  7. #87
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    Chapter 87: The Elite Four, 16types Style


    Dr. Voris, Jerry & Esther Hicks and Byron Katie all looked at each other and smiled while standing around in a circle. Jennifer Granholm laid dead down on the table dead with a knife in her neck. Dark Dolphin and Dark Ashton were dead on the floor melted in the blue carpet. And Eckhart Tolle was leaned over in the chair with a huge bullet hole in his chest.

    Dr. Voris took the syringe and shot himself in the arm. “Oh man, this feels better then a teethless blowjob” he said.

    Esther and Jerry shot each other up together, and then Byron shot the needle in her thigh.

    The four all grew a few feet in height and grew green tails. Their skin turned a pale green color. They gained immense super strength, x-ray vision, and the ability to fly and breathe fire. And they also could read the thoughts of everybody else. Well, they could kinda already do that well before but now they could do it super-good.

    “Now come, we insert the chip in the satellite and send it up to the universe” Dr. Voris said. “The nearest space station is a little ways from here. It will take a few hours to even get there, but let’s go!”

    Dr. Voris turned into a serpent ray form, the same thing you saw Jennifer Granholm turn into in the 69th chapter. Esther, Jerry and Byron all followed suit shrieking as they did so. They all sounded like dying whales.

    Meanwhile, Lt. Sergeant Paul Button saw four green blurs flying in the sky. There was no government, but there was still a few people in the US military. Not as a force of order or to control powers, but because being in the military makes men feel straight and self-confident and all of that. “Holy shit, what the fuck is that?” Paul pointed at the four green blurs flying in the sky.

    He punched some buttons on his helicopter and fired missiles at the four. Shoot first, ask questions later. That was the straight male way.

    Jerry Hicks got hit with the first missile. But it felt like burning your thumb on a firework when you were a little kid. It was really a non-issue. “Looks like we have some company” Byron said.

    “Just ignore them” Esther Hicks said. “They haven’t got the power.”

    “Holy shit, they’re strong” Paul said. “I’m gonna fly closer, try to trap them” he said.

    A few minutes later and a large net fell on top of the four illumanati reptilian demons. But, they easily broke through the nets. They then continued to run toward NASA headquarters, even faster this time.

  8. #88
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    Chapter 88: End of Gays


    Sam was watching the news on TV with Dolphin, in their lovely suburban home. “Witnesses have reported four strange green beings flying over Washington DC, heading straight for NASA headquarters. We have no idea what the fuck they are, or what they’re going to do and we’re honestly scared shitless. Shit like this shouldn’t exist, we should all just be heterosexual and raise a family and spend money on a useless job system veil instead of getting to know people socially because socialism is weaker and faggy than capitalism!” Anderson Cooper said with dopey droopy eyes and his pink lips falling into a frown. “And work for people who don’t care about us that just use our efforts to become a Pure Idea of themselves in an effort to control the world.” The vapid sociopathic reporting of newspeople kept revealing the hidden-laced fear that always existed underneath a veneer of confidence.

    “I’m scared, honey” Dolphin said to Sam. “Something is wrong.”

    “I-I have this strange sense of déjà vue and I don’t know what to do with it” Sam said. “It’s probably nothing, it’s….”

    Suddenly, Sam heard a THWAP on his roof. “What the fuck was that?” Dolphin said.

    Sam ran out the house, got a ladder from the garage and climbed up to the roof. He saw the mighty sword of Excalibur laying down there. Sam’s eyes glowed. He then in that instant, remembered everything about his old life, and Who He Really Was. Sam walked over to the sword and picked it up. It felt strong and fast and volatile. And it felt like it was his. He sniffed the blade from the tip to the end and smiled.

    Sam somersaulted off his roof with new-found powers. He held onto Excalibur and clutched it greatly. “I’m meant to save the world from those green blurs we saw on TV” Sam said.

    “SAM, STOP IT. That faggy fairytale shit isn’t real, and you know it! You need to go back to therapy” she said.

    “I have to beat them” Sam said to Dolphin. “It’s my destiny.”

    “I’m coming with you….and the kids too” she demanded.

    “No. You’ll only get hurt.”

    “This shouldn’t be happening….” Dolphin said. “Yeah well, and neither should they” Sam said.

    Sam walked off, but then surprisingly walked back to his wife. Sam sat down on the grass. Dolphin joined him, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

    “It’s not enough. I feel like a strong warrior, like a real tough straight jock in gym class that’s the best in the school. B-but it’s not enough.”

    “I thought all my problems would be taken care of I got more physically adapt at the world like a straight man. But it’s not the answer it only looks like it is.” Sam looked down at the sword. “Just like mune’s crown. It’s a neat weapon, and useful- but that’s all it is. It’s just….not enough.”

    “Well then what the fuck is?” Dolphin said. Dolphin had remembered everything about her old life too, but she was just in denial because of the heartache and sorrow that comes with being a hero.

    Sam thought about all he learned in the 14th chapter, ‘The Ideas.’ It’s about the right Idea, Sam thought.

    Sam looked up at Dolphin. He then meditated and used excalibur’s power to teleport them all here, all the 16types adventurers. Like Sam and Dolphin, they too remembered everything about the old world, before Eldanen summoned the Idea of No Homosexuality.

    Hitta and Galen pushed themselves off each other, and paid attention to Sam.

    “Magic…. We have our classes and powers back?” Eldanen’s eyes lit up.

    “No. I-I don’t know” Sam said. “This sword COULD have the power to do that but that’s not what we’re going to do with it” Sam said.

    Sam breathed deeply and sighed. “Everything the Idea of Homophobia said was true. Gay men are innately weaker and we need magic to make ourselves better. But that’s *gay men* as a whole. We four gay men” - Sam pointed to himself, Galen, Sean and Eldanen… “are individually more powerful then all straight men combined.”

    “But don’t think I’m going to empower the rest of the gay men with powers, that’s not the way either. The rest of the gay men in the world will become sacrificial lambs, and we will use their essence into our own new bodies” Sam said. “We have to create real corporeal bodies strong enough to carry all the power we’re about to receive. For the ultimate magical spell ever. To become Immortal Gods.”

    Dolphin’s jaw dropped. “No….impossible.”

    “It’s about realizing who you always were. We are all fueled with our own Idea of ourselves here, we just have to concentrate and tap into that” Sam said. “The world needs heroes because it’s our choice to have heroes. It’s our choice to become more Idealized, in pure idealized writer forms that never die. The purest of the pure, so everybody can continue to read stories like these for all of eternity and always become inspired. Permanent text. Permanent writing, in an objective outside real form. It’s what the world always needs. And this time, when a gay man is born? He will have *us* to look up to.”

    “A-and what if it doesn’t work?” Silverchris said. “What then?”

    “Then at least the Dreamstopper will see us going out with a bang” Sam said.

    “But we won’t have powers?” Dolphin asked, confused. “Just you four?”

    “Just wait and see….” Sam said. Sam, Galen, Sean and Eldanen sat around in a circle with the sword of Excalibur pierced into the grass and they begun chanting.

    Vero had a half-smile on her face. “He’s really gonna do it…he’s really gonna kill off every gay man in the world so he can become Immortal? There has to be another way!” Vero said.

    “Nothing this powerful comes without a sacrifice” Dolphin said.

  9. #89
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    Chapter 89: Only Gays In the Village

    In an African village, a small gay boy of 12 years was playing with tiki dolls. Bam. He’s dead. His cellular structure absorbed in the body of Sean.

    In a suburban town park, a 13 year old gay boy is realizing he’s gay. A baseball is thrown at him and he doesn’t catch it. He falls down in the mud, his cellular structure absorbed in the body of Sam. A few kids say “Serves ya right for being a fag” as soon as he dies.

    In new york city, a 36-year-old business man living in the closet his whole life, but of course couldn’t come out because of the new rule of homosexuality….just fell flat down on his desk, his cellular structure absorbed in the body of Galen.

    In Miami florida, a 25-year-old bisexual surfer dude was fucking a blonde chick in the ass. He suddenly felt weird. Half of his body went to sleep and he rolled over paralyzed (but still alive), his dick going from a full hard on to a half hard on. His ceullar structure absorbed in the body of Eldanen. The woman rolled over and screamed. “What the fuck is going on here?” she said.

    This happened to every gay person in the world. All except the Core Four Gays, and a few others that will be mentioned later.

    Sam, Galen, Sean and Eldanen’s eyes flashed black and silver. The camera panned around them while gay-empowering music played. The holy sword of Excalibur broke apart completely from the power of such a spell. Now it looked like a crappy plastic sword you can buy for $4 at Halloween USA.

    It is done. Sam, Galen, Sean and Eldanen are now Immortal Gods. With a whole shitload of new superpowers.

    “I’m dead forever, dead like a ******. But I’m also alive forever. My pure ****** self realized, this is who we really are!” Sam said. “And we need to be proud.” Sam held up his hand. He looked at the window of his house and what appeared to be an instant, zapped the window frame of his house to the fingertips of his hands. He then melted the glass.

    Sigma read something. Were his monk powers coming back, he didn’t know, but he was intuitively aware of something now. “It’s brilliant my boy, it’s like you have no class or set defined role. You can’t be put into a box. You can do almost anything with your powers. Well except for healing and reviving others, because the Idea of Healing is dead…” Sigma said sadly.

    Sam and Sean looked into each other’s eyes and realized something. With no more gay men in the world, there was no more competition and they both remembered their undying love for each other. They embraced each other and kissed while twirling and levitating in the air. Disney gay romantic music begun playing in the background.

    “Sam, there won’t be any other gay men!” Eldanen said. “Not technically, at least. I can feel it. As soon as a gay man is born, he just becomes a part of *us*” he said. “To the outside world, all gay male births appear like miscarriages but this is what REALLY happens. This is how, this is how we go on forever as heroes that can’t be killed. You did it, you really did it” he said.

    “May we prove that the sacrifice of all the other gay men’s lives will not be in vain!” Sam said all heroic and manly and bad-ass. “Now come all, to Washington DC!”

    “Wait, Sam! Aren’t you forgetting something?” Dolphin waved her hands at all the poor helpless straight people with no superpowers. “Even if you guys are Gods now, it still won’t be enough.”

    “Oh right….right.” Sam reached out his right hand while flying and sent out a purple wave beam at Dolphin. Dolphin felt a cool rush of power flow through her. He gave Dolphin her Water Mage powers back. Sam, Galen, Eldanen and Sean then empowered the rest of the 16types adventurers. Everybody except Hitta. Sam didn’t think Hitta deserved getting his powers back after severely misusing them by raping Isha and Akra with them. And well, trying to rape Galen.

    Vero teleported all of them out of Sam’s house and into NASA headquarters.

  10. #90
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    Chapter 90: ENDGAME BOSS FIGHT, Part 1 of 5


    With gay men back in the action, the world wasn’t so chaotic or aggressive anymore. Governments and peace treaties and diplomacies have already started to bloom back in people’s hearts slowly and surely. And people could write again now. But, it was up to Sam and his friends to remove the core stink from the world.

    Can Sam *really* not die Dolphin wondered as she ran up the metallic steps to a tower where the Elite Four were inserting the chip in the satellite that would kill off everybody in the world.

    “I really can’t” Sam said back to her in her own head, reading her thoughts with his new telepathy power. “And don’t worry I won’t read your mind often, I know it’s kinda intrusive but…yeah, being Immortal means JUST that. I can’t die. I’m immortal.”

    Dolphin quickly glanced over her shoulder before she continued to jog up the steps. “So I’ll grow and evolve and get old and be human and normal, to an ex-tent I mean, I still have my cool gay Water Mage thing, but you’ll just stay the same forever, just….keep on inspiring others as an objective ideal hero?” Dolphin said. It never made sense to Dolphin, because she always believed people needed to change and evolve.

    “I’m sorry, Dolph. But it’s who I really am. You know I’ll always love you.”

    “Yeah… me too” Dolphin said. “I just hope it’s enough, even if you are Immortal now.”

    “There’s only four gay people in the world now though…and sometimes we all have gay thoughts b-but that’s not really enough to make the Idea of Homophobia all that angry anymore” Tereg said. “I just mean, you’d think the Idea of Homophobia would thank us for helping it” Tereg said.

    “It doesn’t matter. The Dreamstopper infused himself with Pure Demon reptilian blood as well. It’s a lot more than just homosexuality now. They’re just evil and want the world to end regardless” Sam said.

    “It’s like, all the dominoes fell down in their semi-proper places, and this is where we’re at” Diana said, who was running behind Isha.

    “This is what we’re left to deal with” Ezra said. “We gotta make the most of it.”

    “If anybody dies here, can any of our Super Gays bring them back?” Dolphin asked.

    “No. We may be Immortal, but like Sigma said… resurrection is a part of healing and the Idea of No Healers is already dead. We already merged the realm of Ideas back down to earth anyway…. So we also can’t really make big changes all at once without having lots of sacrifices” Sam said.

    They all continued to run up the steps. They saw Byron Katie, Esther & Jerry Hicks and Dr. Voris standing there. But for some reason, the evil four didn’t even notice the adventurers. Sam held up his hands to the rest of the party, and gave a hand signal that told them they were going in for a surprise attack.

    “All gay men are dead. I feel it, it’s incredible…they must have sensed our presence, got intimidated and offed themselves.” Esther Hicks said. “What lower-vibration freaks.”

    Jerry Hicks laughed. “Isn’t that just like ******s?”

    Sam darted out his hands and shot out two rays of electrical mojo at Esther Hicks. She fell down unconscious.

    “Not quite…” Sam said. He motioned for the rest of the party to attack. The Demons were completely caught off guard, and The Adventurers got a few good licks in before they were even aware.

    “Grr what the fuck” Dr. Voris said.

    Sam smiled and levitated in the air and kicked Dr. Voris multiple times in his chest. Dr. Voris tried to punch Sam, but Sam blocked it and flipped him over. Dr. Voris kicked Sam in his chest and he went flying backwards.

    “What’s this? You’re strong, you’re fast. A gay man isn’t any of those things!” Dr. Voris spat on Sam. But Sam froze the spit, and turned it into a dove. He then flicked his hands and blasted Dr. Voris with firepower. Dr. Voris went slamming back into a machine.

  11. #91
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    Chapter 91: Endgame Boss Fight, Part 2 of 5.

    “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have just used Excalibur’s power on all the gay men” Steve asked.

    “It still wouldn’t be enough. Homophobia will never go away so neither will we” Sam kicked Dr. Voris in the stomach and headbutted him a bunch of times.

    “You have a lot to answer for young man. You’re a murderer. And sex offender. You raped Akra. You won’t apologize. You won’t get a normal job. All you do…..is destroy” Heath said. “And I still just want to ride my damn bicycle.”

    “If rich jews born in better families can create art and act narcissistic and preach about how society is fake from their safe houses, then so can I!” Sam shouted. He flipped in the air a bunch of times and aerial roundhouse kicked the four Big Bad Demons. Byron Katie, Esther & Jerry Hicks and Dr. Voris.

    “It’s not about power. It’s about doing the right thing” Sam said.

    “And who decides the right thing, you?” Gulanzon said. “Don’t make me laugh.”

    “He’s using our own thoughts against us, to divide us and conquer us.” Sam said. “Stay focused.”

    “Argh Sam, give me back my powers! I’m helpess like this!” Hitta said. Esther Hicks backhanded a table and sent it spiraling out with so much force that it would kill Hitta if it contacted him, but Dolphin removed the table out of harm’s way with a Water Jet spell.

    “Now you know how Isha and Akra felt” Sam said to Hitta, morally chastising him.

    “Cut it out Sam, if that was me you’d be too intimidated to say anything. Cause I’m BIONICGOAT!”

    “No you cut it out BG. I call you out on your bullshit all the time. It’s just you’re better behaved than he is so what I’m going to do. Make fun of you for being a useless hippie welfare queen that does too much drugs?”

    “Back off him, ******” Nick said.

    “Or you’ll do what? You can’t stab me to death. I can’t be killed. So go cut yourself while reading Nietzsche. It’s what you seem to do best, you selfish asshat!”

    Vero just looked at all this and sighed. It was all starting to sag on her Canadian ideals. “Enough! We’re not fighting each other here we’re fighting…” She got punched in the abdomen by Dr. Voris. “Homophobia” she whimpered weakly. Vero threw up.

    “I saw you being attacked out the corner of my eye, but I was too busy saving mysticsonic” Dolphin said with a frown.

    “Don’t worry about me, just-“ But Vero got kicked in the head by Esther Hicks, and she kneeled down. She struggled to stay conscious.

    Sam shook his head. “No.” He wouldn’t allow his friends to die. He just wouldn’t. Sam channeled Vero’s pain and used it to telekinetically blast the four demons away from the group.

    “We need to split up in teams. Work WITH me, not codependently ATTATCHED to me” Sam said.

  12. #92
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    Chapter 92: Endgame Boss Fight, Part 3 of 5


    Suddenly, a shadowy figure materialized in front of Sam. It was the image of Sean. But it wasn’t Sean, because the real Sean was busy fighting off Jerry Hicks.

    Sam looked at the figure and intuitively knew who he was dealing with. “You’re the Idea of Evil. The one that started it all” Sam said. Similar to the First Evil on Buffy, the Idea of Evil taunted your psychological ‘weak point’ and understood your dark side very well. It was like an Ashton on steroids, basically! It also could take the form of ANY person it wanted to, they didn’t have to be dead. It also had a corporeal form, but it wasn’t all that strong physically.

    “Yeah. And you’re still idealizing your life away you little ******. Do you really think these people are your friends? Why do you call them your friends? They’re just people you know on the internet.”

    “Well Dolphin is my friend, I’m sure of that….” Sam said.

    “You idealize them as if you’re all working together. But they don’t really care-“

    “I know they don’t care about gay rights as much as me. Nobody expects them to. Maybe they like to fight just because it’s cool to do so. It doesn’t matter. As long as they’re helping, right?” Sam said.

    “Even Dolphin would betray you to save her own ass. You just can’t stand that can you. That the world isn’t this hippie fag place. That it’s cruel and dark.”

    “No. I can’t stand it. You’re right. That’s why I’m here to make it better” Sam said. “Now if you’ll excuse me –“ and he pushed the embodiment of all that is evil aside and then looked directly in the eyes of Dr. Voris slash the Idea of Homophobia slash the Dreamstopper.

    “It’s payback time, bitch” Sam said.

    Vero, Dolphin, Steve and Mune were in the other corner at the end of the huge room (it was about the same size as a gym auditorium) at the top of the tower.

    Esther Hicks looked at the four. “You couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you. You can’t just be like normal people that I happen to like to eat, and get regular jobs and let rich bullies like me tell you your place in the world. You had to try and be heroes. For that, you will pay with your blood” Esther Hicks begun levitating, and she quickly sent out purple and blue flashes of lightning at them.

    Steve somersaulted his way out of a lightning bolt, and hid under one of those rolling metal tables.

    Of course, Esther herself was immune to lightning spells while in this state, and not much other magic seemed to had an effect on her either. So that made Dolphin and Vero just stand there and hug each other through shared feminism ideals.

    Steve cowered backwards, nearly blinded by all the bright electrical lights. “Any ideas how to pull the plug on this bitch?” he said.

    Mune just shrugged. “I…. have no idea. We’re just middle class and good natured, not really fighters…but we wanna be. They are just so much stronger animalistically speaking, though."

    Suddenly Byron Katie had her hands wrapped around Mune’s throat and lifted him up in the air like you see on action adventure shows. (I should probably not use that joke so much. Sorry!)

    “Uh excuse me, what team is supposed to be fighting Byron Katie?” Steve asked. Esther was already hard enough to deal with, and now Byron Katie just showed up like that!

    To his horror, that team was already dead on the floor. Their faces lay face down on the steel.

    Bryon began an evil speech. “It’s kinda priceless. The outside world doesn’t care for you guys at all. And yet you still try to save them? You’re gonna die, along with the rest of the world and nobody will know how brave and special you are” Byron Katie said. She gave a vapid, sociopathic ‘poor you face’ to Mune, her bottom lip curling into a pout face. Like a bitchy fake-nice ‘aw.’

    “We don’t seek fame and power like the bad guys” Dolphin said. “We do what is right!” she said. The water mage shot out two streams of water at Byron with both her hands, knocking her out of the way before she could choke Mune to death.

    “People kill. We destroy everything but our ownselves. It’s the way it is!” Byron Katie said. She menacingly walked towards Mune again, but he safely scurried into the middle of the group.

    Dolphin was starting to get annoyed. She flared up and flicked her hands, placing a fire spell from the inside of Byron Katie’s lungs, similar to what she did to Snow in the 25th chapter. But she knew that this alone wouldn’t be enough to stop a demon as powerful as Byron Katie. So she got more clever, and also placed a Water Jet spell inside Byron Katie. The flames mixed with the powerful burst of water caused an explosion effect that well, blew Byron up. Bits and pieces of Byron flew everywhere, it was a mess. Or a ‘hot ****** mess’ as the gay community calls it.

    “One down, three to go!” Mune cheered.

    Sam looked around at the dead adventurers that Byron Katie offed with probably just one area-of-effect spell. Like the red shirts on Star Trek, they were all just random noobs that only posted a few times on the forum, and nobody really got to know them emotionally. He was glad it was nobody he cared about. Yes, he was being selfish but he was only human.

    The Idea of Homophobia tackled Sam to the ground with so much force that he heard his spine snap in half.
    Last edited by Hot Scalding Gayser; 02-21-2011 at 11:39 AM.

  13. #93
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    Chapter 93: Endgame Boss Fight, Part 4 of 5


    Sean looked around. He was knocked out on the floor. Jerry Hicks had his hands high in the air, about to finish him off with a ground-punch. Galen saw a lose piece of steel tire on the floor. He used a wind spell to send it whirling in the throat of Jerry. Jerry fell over dead before he ever got the chance to hurt Sean.

    Sam smiled at that, watching the whole fight from his laid-down-on-his-back position. Gay men saving other gay men instead of making fun of them on online chat groups. It’s what Sam wanted to see.

    Now, there was just Esther Hicks and Dr. Voris to deal with.

    Esther Hicks in her dark blue business suit kept shooting lightning bolt after lightning bolt at the adventurers, even blowing off the head of one. Sam gasped at that, but he couldn’t let it intimidate him.

    Sam escaped the grips of Dr. Voris and ran toward Esther, but Esther was floating in the air and she quickly backed off, smiling cruelly at Sam. She was immune to magics, and when somebody tried to get in melee range, she just cast a blink spell and teleported away from harm. No adventurer could get so much as a scratch on her. She just kept saying ‘I just take people’s money and power to make my own self better and better, empathy is for the weak!’ Over and over and over and over again.

    “Shouldn’t that blink spell she does have a cooldown on it? Or even an MP cost?” Sam wondered out loud, and then Hitta politely reminded Sam that this was NOT World of Warcraft, and Esther Hicks was an evil demi-god slash Illuminati reptilian demon and was very powerful. The bitch was raving mad, she could cast spells instantly with no consequences. She had to be stopped soon or she would fry them all with her lightning.

    The Idea of Homophobia knocked Sam down again. Sam screamed in pain, as his spine was still broken and even though he was Immortal, it was still an ow. He knew that he had to go after Esther Hicks first, or too many of them would die. It’s a staple in all role playing games. You down the casters first.

    While his hands were tied back on the ground by Dr. Voris, out of the corner of Sam’s eye he saw Subterranean menacingly walk towards him, in a snooty English pose.

    “You are Immortal now. You have every power” Subt said calmly. “That means you have the power of ‘Sticky’, to stay on casters even if they magically warp away” Subt said.

    Sam nodded at Sub, thanking him. “So great, I can just use that to kill Esther and-“

    Subt’s eyes surprisingly darkened and Sam found himself mysteriously frozen in place. “But, my power is the ability to steal others’ powers. And I want *that* power for myself, Sam. You can no longer use it any more. But I can!” Subt kya ha ha haed as he siphoned Sam’s sticky power and transferred it into his own being.

    No. Not a betrayal in a middle of an important fight like this, where lives were at stake. “Subt! This is no time to be jealous of my greater magical powers!” Sam screamed, as he tried to kick the Idea of Homophobia off of him once he regained movement, but it was to no avail. The demon’s body was too steel and straight man-like. And like all white trash straight men, wore a bit too much ‘axe’ cologne.

    Subt just made a cartoony ‘you can’t make me face’ at Sam. The adventurers who liked Sam frowned at this and the adventurers who didn’t really care for Sam laughed amusingly at this.

    Sam was so enraged that Subt took his power to sticky, that he summoned enough rage to flick his hands and cast a stop spell on The Idea of Homophobia. Normally that wouldn’t work, but Sam was so pissed off- that his magical abilities were enhanced. And Dr. Voris stood there frozen just like a lesser powerful creature would!

    Sam stood up and looked at Subterranean. “You selfish piece of shit” Sam said as he walked briskly on the metal floor, making it clang with each step. He materialized a baseball bat in his right hand and whacked Subt in the face with it. He smiled in delight as one of the englishman’s teeth flew out as the bat made contact with his jaw.

    Dolphin frowned at all this. Subt was being an asshole, true, and she didn’t understand his betrayal, but she knew that Sam couldn’t let this get to him. “Sam! We came so far, you have to focus on-“

    Before she could finish her sentence, Dolphin fell down in pain as she got hit in her side abdomen with one of Esther Hicks’ lightning spells. She fell down on her back. Vero and Steve rushed to make sure she was alive. Steve checked her pulse. “She’s alive…but barely. She needs medical attention” Steve said.

    Sam continued to pound Subt’s face over and over again with the baseball bat, almost killing the Englishmen. But then Sam got up, and tried to remember Dolphin’s advice, that the main mission was more important.

    “I loved that Sticky power, even if I forgot I had it, and you just took it away from me, just because you could. Even if you have what you think is a good reason, it’s no excuse to just take what isn’t yours.” Sam spit on subt’s face. “You're just like the bullies that made fun of me all my life in school.”

    Sam put his head down. “But my emotions aren’t as important as doing the right thing” he mumbled under his breath, thinking of his friendship with Dolphin and how it made him more human.

    Vero looked at Subterranean. “Sub! Aren’t you going to use your new sticky power to stay on the bitch-mage and finish her off!” she demanded, while pushing up her glasses.

    “No, you fools. I’m going to use my new sticky power to make myself feel morally righteous on online message boards… duh” And with that, he got on his bicycle and pedaled away from the tower, and away from the fight.

    “He just stole the only power I know of that can defeat Esther….what a traitor” Sam screamed.

    But Sam knew this was a test. He could either let his hatred and revenge get to him, or he could be smart and just keep going. He could just keep trying.

    What would he do.... what would Sam do?

    Please Sammy, do the right thing Dolphin thought as she slipped out of consciousness.

    Vero and Steve looked at each other in an empathetic way while they each held one of Dolphin’s hands in their own.
    Last edited by Hot Scalding Gayser; 02-21-2011 at 01:37 PM.

  14. #94
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    Chapter 94: Endgame Boss Fight, Part 5 of 5


    Okay, I may not have the power of Sticky, but I’m an Immortal Gay God now who can wield virtually every superpower I can think of Sam reminded himself, trying to gain his confidence back.

    And with that, he used super speed to try and catch up with Esther, but she just blinked away. Sam tried to teleport himself to get behind Esther, but she just teleported away again. Sam sighed.

    Sam raised his hands and cast ‘Slow’ on Esther. He then ran up and tried to punch her, but Esther grabbed Sam’s wrist and broke it. First his spine….now his wrist. That would take at least a week to heal! She laughed at Sam, and headbutted Sam’s face, breaking his nose.

    “She’s surprisingly good at melee combat!” Mountain Dew said, stating the obvious.

    “Yeah we can see that, rookie” Mune said to Mountain Dew half-affectionately and half-teasingly. Mountain Dew was a new adventurer, just coming into his powers.

    Esther Hicks then grabbed Sam and tackled him through a metal wall. She was very smart and she knew Sam was the Core, the Heart Central of the 16types Adventures. The one that started it all. If she could isolate Sam away from his friends and kill him, they would all be dis-empowered all at once, and she could continue to align with her Own Idea of Herself like all narcissists. Sam stood up and pushed Esther away from him, although her body was stronger than even the Idea of Homophobia’s! They were in another room of the tower now. Like all rooms in the boss fight area, it had a bunch of confusing machinery, rolling metal tables, and electrical equipment.

    Meanwhile, Sean, Steve, Herzy and Mimosa were all surrounding the frozen body of Dr. Voris/The Idea of Homophobia.

    “Okay, so who is gonna tank this cretin?” Steve asked.

    “I’m the best tank, I should tank him” Sean said.

    Herzy rolled her shoulders behind her neck, and did a few stretches, prepping herself up. “I wanna tank, I never get to do anything, and I’m hardly in the story!” she said.

    Steve felt a white light grow inside himself. When Sam gave Steve his powers back, he realized that he was a paladin now. First a Warrior, then a Gladiator, and now his true self, was a Paladin! “I think it’s up to me” Steve said, drawing out a silver sword and shield.

    “It’s the bleedin’ Idea of Homophobia!” Sigma said to the young’uns. “Shouldn’t this naturally be Sam’s fight?”

    “Sam is busy at the moment” Vero said.

    Cut to: Esther and Sam in the other room.

    “You’re a scam artist. You write those stupid books, selling people nothing, just to make you stronger.” Sam had Esther in a headlock.

    “People can spend their money on whatever they please, you socialist ******” Esther said, her voice deadening into sounding a lot like Ashton’s. She raised her foot and with a hiya, kicked Sam in his poor broken nose. “It’s not up to you to say what is right or wrong.” Strings of blood rained down on Sam’s white t-shirt that he was wearing.

    “It’s not that…it’s just. You eat people, okay? You pretend to inspire them but really you just suck out their life force… taking advantage of weak middle class people with emotional problems. I had ENOUGH” Sam said.

    Esther flipped Sam over as he charged at her, and it was now Esther who had Sam in a headlock. She took Sam’s left hand into her own, and one by one, slowly began to break his fingers. “First your wrist, then your nose, and now your fingers. I wonder what else I can break?” she said like the creepy sociopathic narcissistic bitch that she was. “And you deserve this because your vibration is low!” Esther added. “Nobody cares for the weak victims of the world, they only care for the STRONG!” Esther said, her booming voice causing a thunderstorm to magically manifest in an African village that no American would ever care about, killing everybody in there.

    Esther put her hands on Sam’s crotch and grabbed the outline of his dick. The sociopathic bitch was just about to break Sam’s cock, but he luckily turned himself into pudding, and then rematerialized himself a few feet away from Esther. He breathed more rhythmically, trying to pace himself.

    But when Sam tried to move again, he realized that he couldn’t move his legs, for white magical sand was swirling around his shoes. The sand was hardening around Sam’s legs and was quickly gathering upwards toward his thighs, until the lower half of the fag’s body was completely covered in magical stop-sand.

    “You may be immortal, but if I blow you up completely then it won’t matter. I can break your molecules up into such tiny pieces that would take thousands of years for you to reconstitute them” Esther Hicks said evilly.

    She stood there in her dark blue business suit, all bitchy and mage-like with her hands out, gathering a bunch of her own light blue lightning magic. Sparks flew from her fingertips.

    “Sam needs help” Sean realized. They were connected more than ever since Sam made Sean Immortal. He super-sped through the hole in the wall that Esther made when she tackled Sam through it.

    Steve looked at both Herzy and Mimosa. “Step aside ladies. I hate to be misogynistic but this is the TOUGHEST RAID BOSS in the game and thusly should be tanked by a male tank!”

    Sam’s stop spell wore off on the Idea of Homophobia, and as soon as he could move again, he grabbed Herzy’s head and ripped it off. It had all happened so fast that nobody could stop it. The rest of the adventurers screamed at that. It caused Mountain Dew to cry like a girl, and hide himself behind a steel pillar. “What in hell did I sign up for?” he said under his breath.

    “Herzy, no…” Mune cried out.

    “I’m evil. I’m going to kill the likeable ones” The Idea of Homophobia said.

    “Don’t give up. He’s trying to demoralize you.” Dolphin said softly to everybody in her dream-like state.

    The adventurers suddenly became focused and forged their consciousness together (combining their strengths instead of dividing them, by pointlessly arguing on online message boards like they usually do), and tackled the Idea of Homophobia down like a wild pack of dogs. Nick sawed off his left arm with his dagger, while Steve chopped off his right arm with one clean stroke of his sword. Golden chomped on his left leg and ripped it off with her teeth, and they all devoured the Idea of Homophobia completely, ripping and clawing and eating and biting him in a hot, disgusting, bloody mess.

    “That’s what you get for killing Herzy” Vero said, spitting out the Idea’s ear on his dead, cold face.

    Eldanen looked at Vero. “Is it over?” he said.

    Mune checked Dolphin’s pulse again, it was getting weaker and weaker. “She REALLY needs help you guys.”

    “It’s not over” Vero said, frowning.

    Cut to: Sean, Sam and Esther Hicks in the room.

    “Sean, go away” Sam cried out. “You can’t attack her, she’s too strong.” The electrical magic Esther was conjuring had caused her entire body to lit up brightly.

    “I’m not going to leave you bro” Sean said. He picked up a metal table and threw it at Esther, but it just bounced back toward Sean. Sean side-stepped out of the way and the table crashed on the floor and broke apart into millions of pieces. “Oh shit…that’s what she’s going to do to Sam” Sean said.

    “Maybe this is my destiny. Sacrificing myself….for the greater….good.” A tear rolled down Sam’s cheek. Sam closed his eyes and got flashbacks of the adventures he had been on with his friends this past year.

    ….



    “I’m still so young, I don’t want to die. I want to live, damnit. I want to LIVE!”

    Sam broke through the sand on his own, and walked up to Esther. Esther tried to teleport away again as usual, but this time Sam reached out his hand, creating an astral version of himself, that grabbed Esther around the throat. With a calm masculine presence, Sam’s grounding hand completely neutralized Esther’s flashy magical body and she felt her own power source becoming drained.

    “You fed off my anger to charge your own electricity. You one-shot Dolphin because she’s a Water Mage and thus weak against your lightning. But you, you’re weak against Earth. The cold cool earth grounds your lightning” Sam said.

    Esther looked in Sam’s eyes, knowing that she had no choice but to submit. Sam flipped Esther on one of the metal tables and straddled himself on top of her.

    “Prepare to be throat fucked, bitch!”

    Sean’s jaw dropped at that. “But…you’re gay!”

    Sam throat fucked Esther so hard that she couldn’t breath, completely suffocating her with his cock. He plugged her nose with his other hand so she couldn’t breathe through her nose. He then jammed the old cunt’s head on the side of the table again and again while he performed irrumatio on her, over and over and over again, each time he did so he could feel the magic draining from her body, and she became an old frail woman again. He kept banging Esther's head on the corner of the metal table until her head completely snapped off her body.

    Sam leaned down and sighed. He was breathing heavily, and his white t-shirt was stained in sweat and blood from his broken nose. Sean helped Sam get up and put him around his shoulder. “You did it…you did it.” Sean looked at Sam and cocked a brow. “Okay, I’m not sure you had to do it quite like THAT, but…you did it.”

    Sam looked to the camera, to everybody in the world reading this story right now, to every single person in Internet land, to the very President of the United States of America and with a wink said: “I may be cute, I may be soft, and I may be faggy. But I can still be masculine and strong and save the world just as well as any straight man!”

    Sam and Sean stepped out of the hole in the wall, and re-entered themselves with the group. Sam looked at Herzy’s dead body and frowned, but grinned at the dead and dismembered body of Dr. Voris aka the Idea of Homophobia aka the Dreamstopper aka the First Big Bad in the 16Types adventures story. He was finally dead.

    “Now That? Was a boss fight” Gulanzon said, cradling Isha in his arms.

    Sam took out of his cell phone and called an ambulance to come for Dolphin. “Please make it please make it please make it” Sam said.

    Sean rolled his eyes. “Oh get off it Sam, we all know that Dolphin is going to live and be just fine. You wouldn’t kill off your number one sidekick, at least – not like that!”
    Last edited by Hot Scalding Gayser; 02-23-2011 at 09:32 PM.

  15. #95
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    Chapter 95: Who I Always Was

    It’s over. The Idea of Homophobia and its minions are dead (and Dolphin didn’t die of course, just like Sean had predicted). It was late at night, the rest of the adventurers had all went back home to sleep. Sam was standing on top of the NASA tower where they had the huge boss fight earlier in the afternoon. Cartoony white bandages could be seen on his nose and his hand.

    Sam looked out at the world below him. The birdseye perspective was refreshing. Birdseye perspectives are always refreshing. “There’s so many things I don’t know about yet. So many things I want to explore. And I never could do them because….”

    Dolphin crept up behind Sam and hugged him. “….The world made you feel unsafe because of how homophobic and cruel it was. But you solved that problem.” She thought for a moment. “Uh, kinda. You didn’t change the world, because that’s probably impossible. But you changed yourself. You became immortal, and you became the change.”

    “Yeah but….the outside world doesn’t know about us. We solved the problem of ******s by not trying to fit in anymore, which I guess is a good thing. We removed ourselves, to find ourselves and save ourselves. I just pushed us all back into another closet, by killing off every gay man in the planet besides four of them!” Sam said. “Well I didn’t technically kill them. I mean I did, but more precisely I just absorbed their essences into my own self, so I could become an unstoppable gay god. And I did it to Galen, Sean and Eldanen too, so I wouldn’t become narcissistic with it” Sam added.

    “No war is won without making sacrifices” Dolphin said, always pushing her friend to be more of an adult and face harsh realities. “Maybe somewhere out there is your pure perfect vision of a life where gays and straights can live peacefully, but this was the best we could do.”

    “I really can’t die, huh?” Sam said.

    “Immortality means just that!” Dolphin reminded him. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

    Sam looked out into the world and half-smiled. He knew Dolphin was just trying to make him feel better, but he also knew his fears wouldn’t really go away, they were always his detective instincts for when there was evil brewing. “I could just live happily ever with Sean, just talking about our feelings all day. But, I don’t want to do that. At least not all the time. I want to keep fighting for them, Dolphin. For the little gay boys that can read this story for all of eternity and constantly be inspired and empowered by words that never die. All it takes is picking up a book and allowing yourself to go in another world. I am Pure. A pure writer immortal hero that’s always there to uplift those who need it the most.”

    “Yeah and it only took you 90 something chapters and a lot of loss and pain to realize it” Dolphin snarked.

    Sam laughed. “You know, even when I’m immortal I still just want to stay inside where it’s safe and warm. But I won’t have any cool stuff to write about it if I do that all the time….”

    “Baby steps” Dolphin reminded Sam.

    “Yeah….” Baby steps. Sam put his arm around his best friend and the two happily walked off.

    “You can’t always change the world with a bang. It’s about doing things one thing at a time….” Sam said.

    ***

    Sam, Eldanen, Sean and Galen were standing together in a circle, in a cemetery late at night. They were standing in front of the tombstone of a dead teenager named Todd, a gay boy that Sam knew in real life from his Starr Commonwealth days; that was cute but had self-esteem issues like all gay guys. When Sam had cast his big spell making himself Immortal, Todd, like all other gay men, had died to the outside world.

    “Okay gay men. Let’s do this” Sam said.

    “We can’t” Eldanen said. “The Idea of Healing is dead and well umm….”

    “I’m not going to bring back all the gay men at once. That would scare too many people. They’d be all ‘hey fag nobody cares that you’re gay. And cause you were so annoying about it, I’m not gonna defend you, so ha!’” Sam mumbled something under his breath about straight people but wanted to be open minded. “But I can bring them back one at a time.”

    “Sam! There’s no healing magic to bring him back. Is what we’re trying to tell you” Galen said, getting agitated. “Can we go? Sonic is on in 15 minutes” he said.

    “We don’t need healing magic. We’re gay and he’s gay and we just have to tap into that and…” Sam combined his powers with the other three immortal gay boys, and they resurrected Todd. He looked similar to that gay nerd on the Buffy episode ‘Help.’

    But he came back as an evil half-zombie, half-vampire, half-ghoul undead scary…thing! “You ******s are all slow suicides nothings, everything you will do be for naught!” Todd said hatefully to the quartet.

    Sam frowned. It was too painful to see Todd like this. But this wasn’t really Todd, it just looked like him. It was just an apparatus of Todd’s body, that they tried to forge from the earth itself, but they had just raised some sort of demon instead. Such a cute innocent gay boy that needed a real friend, turning into a lost soul. Sam sighed from a deep place in his heart and flicked his hands, blowing Todd up ala Piper from Charmed.

    “It’s the sacrifice, Sam. I mean ummm we become IMMORTAL dude” Eldanen said, trying to cheer him up. “We couldn’t do that on our own. We needed their essences to defeat the evil that’s on its way.”

    “Yeah, and it’s noble that you liked Todd and he looked up to you but come on. Most gay men don’t get along with each other. It was just some ideal fantasy fairytale thing that you want to make real because it makes you feel better about your cute human pathetic qualities” Galen added.

    Sam glared at Galen. “I know this. You’re not helping. You know, I worry about you. Will you even use the power that you have to help other gays?”

    Galen glared at Sam. “I can do whatever I want. I’m not some extension of yourself, you freak!” And with that he walked away from the group.

    Sam sighed. “I saw that coming.”

    Eldanen looked at Sam, then Sean, then Sam and Sean together. “I honestly feel uncomfortable being the Third Fag-Wheel sooooo” Eldanen left by himself.

    Sam looked down at the gray dust of what used to be Todd. Sam then looked up and looked at Sean’s beautiful masculine-yet-faggy eyes, that really turned him on. “Galen and Eldanen are all alone….and all we have is each other” Sam said.

    Sean wrapped his arms around Sam. “It kinda sucked when your potential love interests were also your competitors. But you ended all that” Sean said to Sam. He began nibbling on his boyfriend’s ear.

    “We’re not gays Sam. We’re just….two people in love.”

    “We’re two men.” Sam looked in Sean’s eyes. “It’s faggy, Sean” Sam said and kissed Sean again. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  16. #96
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    Chapter 96: A Surprising Relationship

    Galen was playing pokemon in his room. He finally got his own place in Japan, just like he always wanted to. Eldanen instantly teleported right in front of him.

    “God it’s sweet being Immortal and having all these cool new powers, like being able to teleport without relying on Vero” Eldanen said. “It does make me feel more self-confident…”

    Galen suddenly screamed and dropped his cards all over himself as soon as he noticed Eldanen. “Eldanen! You just can’t do that to people” he said angrily.

    “I’m sowwy. But you’re…I mean, uh, you’re the only gay man besides Sam and Sean and well, they have each other. We have….”

    Galen looked at Eldanen dead in his eyes. “We have ourselves. And that’s all we need, Eldanen.”

    “Not always” Eldanen said. “Um we need to try and be boyfriends now. I don’t wanna live forever alone.”

    Galen was angry. “Eldanen, you don’t just be with somebody because a relationship is a nice thing to have. We have NO CHEMISTRY.”

    Eldanen’s eyes shifted to the side. He knew that that was true, but he also didn’t care. “It’s not fair what Sam and Sean have. They have each other and we have ourselves? But I don’t want myself! I want LOVE” Eldanen began crying.

    “It hurts me too” Galen said. “But all the other gay men are dead. If we reverse things back….”

    “It probably would cause the Idea of Homophobia to resurface and we don’t want that” Eldanen said.

    Galen nodded. “We just can’t keep hitting the reset button. The core essence of that is…just more slow suicide messes. We have to….just stick this one out” Galen said.

    Eldanen threw his hands up. “Well love takes time to grow. We have to try, right? We just can’t…. come on. At the very least we gotta pretend to be happy to rub it into Sam and Sean’s faces!” Eldanen said, like a stereotypical gay man wanting to play drama games with his friends.

    “Yuck! I don’t do that shit!” Galen said angrily.

    “Come on. Sam’s right. You DO spend a lot of your time hiding your faggyness.”

    “I’m not a fag. I’m a MAN who likes other MEN.”

    “Yeah, you’re so big and strong and straight, what with your pokemon cards and being by yourself in an apartment.”

    “At least I can live alone, mama’s boy.”

    Suddenly, Galen and Eldanen drew themselves together and passionately kissed. They then immediately pulled themselves away and spat in conveniently placed trash cans.

    “Our own gay self-hatred can indirectly cause real passion!” Eldanen said. “Well, it’s a start.”

    Galen frowned. “I do get lonely sometimes. I haven’t had sex in awhile and I can’t cruise the bath houses cause no gay men are there anymore….”

    Eldanen’s eyes lit up. “But ooh narcissistic, male body worshipping straight men who are curious are there still, right? We can get them to fuck us by pretending that we’re girls!”

    Galen didn’t like admitting that made him hard. “Sam is too ideal. There’s no way you can get rid of straight males being incredibly hot to us. Who cares if it’s unrequited. Look out men, cause here we come!” Galen and Eldanen got dressed like fags and went to hit a night out on the town.

  17. #97
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    Chapter 97: Helluva Woman, Part 1 of 2

    Sam was in bed with Sean watching lifetime together. Judith Light, yay! They both had their shirts off and were in pajama bottoms. He heard his door open. Well it wasn’t just his door, it was their door as he was sharing a new house in San Francisco (Where else?) with Dolphin, Vero, Steve and Sean. The new Fab Five. Eldanen obviously needed to find himself more before he settled down, and same with Mune.

    They realized it was pointless trying to make Sam do normal real world-ish things when he wasn’t ready, he was too magical – so Dolphin and Vero did most of the real world labor to support their sorry male asses. Steve tried to get a real job all the time, but somehow always found himself going back online to talk to Sam. He was too new age-y Oprah ish to get a normal job.

    But this was their life. It was comfortable, it worked for them, and Sam just hoped Dolphin and Vero wasn’t too mad at him for having to support him and the other two Loser Males in the house.

    “It’s okay, Sam. I’m a feminist so you know I’m okay with the whole girls can work while guys be loser housewives at home thing” Vero said to Sam as if she could read his thoughts. “It’s what you always wanted anyway, don’t deny it. To be romantic at home with Sean while somebody else takes care of you” Vero smirked at Sam while simultaneously winking at him.

    Sam grinned. “Yeah. I mean….” He shrugged. “I’m glad we’re all cool, is all.”

    “Well there will still be fights and…ooh is that Judith Light?” Vero plopped on the bed after a hard day’s work, putting herself inbetween Sam and Sean.

    Sam got out of bed and went in the kitchen to see how Dolphin was doing. “How you doing, Dolphin?” Sam asked.

    She could see the guilt in his eyes. “Fine. You know, I’m okay with supporting you, with supporting all of you. You’re a good little pet” Dolphin said. “You’re like a pet mouse or something that I can keep in a cage. So cute and faggy. Just keep writing those stories for gay men!” she ordered.

    “I know but….”

    “Well there is ONE thing you could do for me” Dolphin said. She took Sam by his shirt collar and took him in the pantry with her.

    “Make me immortal like you” Dolphin giggled.

    “WHAT?” Sam said.

  18. #98
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    Chapter 98: Helluva Woman, Part 2 of 2

    “You heard me. I want to do everything like you do. No Water Mage class, at least not JUST a Water Mage class. Just a pure immortal Power. An ideal force of goodness” Dolphin said.

    “But it’s my identity, Dolphin. It’s not yours. I think you might be too practical to handle the pure raw gayness. No offense.”

    “Come on” Dolphin said.

    “I would if I could but I couldn’t. I need Excalibur for that and well, it was destroyed with the big gay spell. Remember?” Sam said while gesticulating with his hands like a ******.

    “And this isn’t Buffy the Vampire Slayer” Sam continued. It’s like Buffy but it’s not Buffy. Males aren’t just going to be like, corrupted by power and women can always handle it. That’s reverse discrimination!”

    “Right. We’re EQUAL. So, make me an Immortal just like you mr. manly man! Anyway you can.”

    “If I did it to you I’d have to do it to the others and you KNOW you’re my favorite adventurer, but I just c-can’t!” Sam said.

    Dolphin frowned. “It’s just not fair. You have all this power and I’ll just end up running around throwing waterbolts at people.”

    “You can throw fireballs too” Sam reminded her. “And really big water falls. And streams of water jets to protect people from Clear Dragon claw attacks. We’ll always need that” Sam said. “And this isn’t a power for myself. It’s so I can help other people. I have to live forever knowing that you will die a semi-normal life and leave me behind. I never have peace in this form.”

    Dolphin’s eyes shifted to a can of sauerkraut, then back at Sam again. “But you can do everything. Everything!” She realized Sam’s progression from Shaman to Rainbow Mage to Immortal Everyman Superhero Guy was a natural course of events that was destined to happen. Each upgrade Sam received over the last year made him closer to realizing himself as a Pure Artist that makes the world a better place through Raw Magical Ideals and Pure Heroic Writing.

    “I know. And it’s going to take everything and the kitchen sink to beat back the rising forces of darkness” Sam said. “The Idea of Homophobia was the first Big Bad, but more will be on their way. And I need to not die to stop them.”

    “At least you can walk in the sun unlike Angel” Dolphin said.

    “But….I’m still not so sure going out in the real world is a good idea, considering all that’s happened. Magic is better kept as a secret. If some naïve normal sees me get hit by a truck and not die…”

    “And you don’t have to. Your friends will take care of that. Just do what you do best. Fight evil. And we’ll be there to help, when we can.” Dolphin stood on her tippy toes and kissed Sam on the cheek.

    “Maybe I do need to get a normal job” Sam said.

    “No. We’re in a good place now” Dolphin said. “Things are looking up. Let’s roll with it.”

  19. #99
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    Chapter 99: Meet Discojoe

    Suddenly there was a loud knock on Sam’s door. Sam was shy and had social phobia, so he didn’t really want to get it. Vero just rolled her eyes at that, and went up and answered the door.

    “I love Sam and all, but jeesh what a shy f—f-f-“ she stuttered as she saw who it was. “Demon!” she shrieked, ready to sent the demon blasting a way with a jolt of electricity, but she hesitated when she saw who it was. There was a sense of weird connection when she looked in his eyes. Not love, but …. A connection nonetheless. It was subtle.

    “Discojoe?” Vero said as she noticed a young middle class man whose head was bald and looked like a penis. “What are you doing here.”

    “I just got done reading Sam’s story on the internet” Discojoe said while wearing his intellectual queer theorist-y glasses that he always wore on cam. He was also wearing a nike shirt and blue jeans. Discojoe held up a stack of white pages stapled together. He had printed out every chapter of the ’16 Types Adventures’. “And I gotta say… it’s the worst piece of crap I ever read. I personally defecated on each and every page, and I want to give this to Sam to show him how much I hated it. And yes, I seriously did poop on it. Wanna smell?” He held up the book to Vero.

    “Uh…no thanks.” She said. She raised an eyebrow at Dj’s off-putting social gestures. “I know Sam can be a little….well he’s Sam, okay? What do you expect?” she shrugged. “No offense honey!” Vero called out to Sam who was trying not to listen, but also trying to listen at the same time. Fuck social situations.

    Discojoe walked to the kitchen, behind the corner where Sam was trying to hide. Sam tried to exit the counter, but Discojoe did that intimidating male thing and blocked his way. Sam tried to find a space to go past Discojoe but Discojoe kept blocking him.

    “You really think that the world’s problems would go away if we just loved and understood each other. How naïve is that?” he then gave some complicated Te-esque statement that went over Sam’s head. “This is ludicrous.” He opened up the pages and spat on a random chapter.

    Sam looked Dj square in his eyes. “You’re just mad because you’re not in it much. Sorry but I don’t feed straight male narcissism.”

    Dj grred at that and slapped Sam in the face. “Well, you’re right, b-but that’s besides the point…” Dj said. “I’m not in it and I want to be in it.” Sam looked out the window and saw a blue van pull up to the front of his house, and a bunch of people started to step out of the van.

    Sam looked out the window, and saw Subterranean marching outside with a sign protesting, then back at Dj. Stupid power stealing bitch! Sam thought as he stared at Subterranean leading the group of not-included misfit-y misfits.

    “And I also brought a lot other adventurers who wanted to be in the story more, but they weren’t in it much” Discojoe said. “We are fucking pissed off” he said.

    “You know what? I don’t care. I’m sorry the story wasn’t perfect, and I know the first half kicked more ass then the second, but raw magic is sorta like that. It’s like when you conjure a new fireball spell in your hands ya know. At first it feels all alive and new and fresh and then it just gets kinda goes blah and fades away. Until the magic fades away completely and you realize that the only thing there ever really was is spending time with your friends and family.”

    The camera panned to a portrait of Sam, Dolphin, Vero and Steve hugging each other in a family portrait.

    “Pretty bow or not, that’s what it’s all about. Not those people out there that didn’t show me respect or love, but my real family. In here. I tried to help all those other people, and sometimes I will still need them but the people here, in this house? Me, Sean, Steve, Vero and Dolphin? It’s us. We’re the *real* adventurers.”

    (The 16 Types Adventures credit theme rolls, playing Jordin Sparks’ version of ‘Don’t Let it go to your head')

    “Shut up and fuck me” Discojoe said to Sam. And the two adventurers just kissed passionately, right then and there. Vero’s jaw dropped. “But you two hate each other?” she said.

    “But we’re also animalistically attracted to each other” Sam said. “It’s a thing.”

    “But Sam!” Vero chastised like the liberal school teacher mommy-of-the-world woman that she was. “What about Sean?”

    Sean was standing right there in a dark purple terry cloth bathrobe, unbeknownst to Sam. (I always wanted to use that pretentious sounding word in a story) Sean’s eyes welled up in fiery tears. “I thought you loved me. And Discojoe isn’t even gay!”

    “He is….I mean a little bit. It’s not so simple. I mean he’s closeted and I’m attracted but-“

    Sean raged out and punched Sam in the face. “I thought you loved me. But you’re just like everybody else!” Sean said.

    “I do love you, b-but” Sam said, trying to find the words.

    “Oh Sean stop being a pussy. That true love bullshit doesn’t exist. Let’s just all fuck each other. We know we want to. Vero can join in if she wants.”

    Vero looked at the three men. “Thanks but….I have uhh stuff to do.” She hurriedly scurried out of the house of gayness, not sure what to think.

    Sam stopped himself. “Discojoe. I’m not going to sleep with you. Get over yourself. You’re just being a narcissist that wants me to worship you without properly loving me in return. You don’t really know how to treat a lady right!”

    “STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE LADY AND HONEY. YOU’RE A MAN NOT A WOMAN.” Discojoe looked angry, hostile, but also deeply insecure. Fuck. Insecurity mixed with sociopathy turned Sam on. Hey, nobody’s perfect. And everybody’s got issues!!!

    “I can save him with my white shining shamanistic light!” Sam thought.

    “And I can corrupt him with my evil bisexual-ness!” Discojoe thought.

    “And I can vomit all over myself watching this” Sean SAID. “Seriously Sam. SERIOUSLY. We’re the only fucking GAY MEN IN THE WORLD THAT ARE COMPATIBLE, THE ONLY FUCKING ONES LEFT ON EARTH BESIDES GALEN AND ELDANEN. AND YOU STILL CAN’T MAKE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WORK!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?”

    Discojoe laughed at Sean’s pain. “Oh get over it” he said.

    Sam realized that Sean was right. “Sean…I’m sorry. But I made a mistake. You have to forgive me and take me back. Because it’s like you said. Who else is there.” Sean wasn’t listening and already had a brown suitcase opened up and was slamming down a bunch of clothes in it.

    “Sean…don’t do this. You have to forgive me. I’m wrong, I’m sorry…. But sometimes I see men and I just wanna fuck them and leave them, and I know it’s wrong and I’m not moral or better than anybody else just because I love to write magical adventure stories” Sam said all run-on-sentence like. “I need redemption like everybody else because I’m not righteous, so please you have to forgive me!”

    Sean looked at Sam and hesitated. He calmed down and stopped putting clothes in the suitcase. “Okay I guess…if you’re gonna feel all genuinely bad about it and redemptive” They embraced each other and hugged.

    Discojoe looked at Sean and Sam and shook his head. “Weak dude.”

    “You are not motivated by love or encouragement!” Sam said to Discojoe. “Well you are, but you’re too insecure to show it yet” Sam teased.

    “Just….weak. Dude.” Discojoe said. He walked out of Sam’s house. He loved to sleep with Sam, he loved to see Sam at his darkest.

    “We have the place all to ourselves. Dolphin and Steve are at the park together playing Frisbee. They’re all ‘it’s not a date so don’t be too romantic and ideal, but I think it might be a date. Or maybe it’s not, but the point is….it’s just us” Sam said to Sean with his arms draped around his shoulders. “I’m so sorry. You know you’re the one that I want. I did this all this for you. I want you. I just didn’t know how to go about it or how to show it.”

    “Aw” Sean said. The two then begin to have lots of romantic gay sex in every room in the house.

  20. #100
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    Chapter 100: Redemption

    After helping Sam kill a random demon in the back of his alley late at night, Hitta kept following the Gay Hero around like a puppy dog.

    “I want my powers back” Hitta kept begging Sam. “I’ll need to mind control demons off me.”

    “No….you won’t. And don’t worry about it because me or Vero can always teleport here to save you if you’re attacked again. And besides, that was your own fault. That was a demon disguised as a hooker, Hitta. *sigh* Honestly Hitta, when are you going to grow up and try to get a happy relationship?”

    “Oh stop being so ideal fag like” Hitta said angrily. “I can live whatever way I want to live.”

    “But are you happy?” Sam said.

    “Well no. When I’m throat fucking some whore’s skull in, sure. But not generally. I just accepted that life will always be this way for me” Hitta said. “Sad and sucky.”

    “Hitta, there are still good girls in the world. You don’t have to act like some bad boy to impress them. You don’t have to throat fuck them all into oblivion just because you’re afraid of sharing your big heart with somebody” Sam said.

    “You can’t emasculate me just cause I can be politically incorrect and southpark-y straight porn-like” Hitta said. “It’s not right! And real feminists wouldn’t agree with you, either.”

    Sam sighed. “Fine. But you hurt Akra and Isha again, and I’ll do a lot worse than take your power. I’ll take your balls. And make you eat them.” Sam tried to be as intimidating as possible, but his voice was just too soft and faggy so he just…sighed instead. He then waved his hands and volia, Hitta was empowered.

    Sam wanted to trust hitta, but was also really sad with what Isha and Akra went through, so he waved his hands in an even faggier way, and made Hitta’s mind control power to not work on anybody he was sexually attracted to. “There. You can still use magic to protect yourself and save others, but not for your selfish masturbatory fantasies!” Sam said.

    Hitta growled. “Fair enough.” Sam then waved his hands again and teleported Hitta back to his Lousiana trailer.

    Sam teleported out (He flamed out like a fag, contrasting Vero’s ‘sparking out’) and back to Akliash, where Isha, Akra and Gulanzon were traveling the road like they were many moons ago.

    Sam looked at Akra and Isha. “I just want you to know that umm….I gave Hitta his powers back, but made them so it was impossible for him to use them on you. He can’t hurt you ever again” Sam said. “The real world would send him to at least 25 years in prison for what he did to you two, but this is the magical world, and we believe that redemption is the far better solution.”

    Akra looked at Isha and sighed, then looked back to Sam again.

    Sam really wanted to make things right here. He took a deep breath and began speechifying. “Things have been sucky between us. You used to be my friend Akra, and I miss that. I want us to hang out again and be cool together and make witty power rangers quips again. So. Forgive me?”

    Akra thought for a moment, and then with a blast of pink telekinetic mojo, threw Sam out of the planet Akliash. He flew so hard he fell all the way down to a gay rodeo in Texas.

    “I’ll think about it” Akra said.

    THE END OF THE BOOK!!!!

    END OF VOLUME 1.
    Last edited by Hot Scalding Gayser; 01-15-2020 at 08:50 AM.

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