Breaking up with your dual

[Beautiful sky]

I somehow feel like us seeing & talking to each other is doing more harm than good, and now I feel like I'm caught in some kind of limbo...

How does one walk away from a dual? The withdraws suck.

That's a lot of Fi demo

Let's see....my advice to you, as an Fi ego type is:

1. Don't quit on a bad thing. If he is willing to get a divorce and is working seriously towards that direction, than work with it.

2. If he's just playing around and going back and forth between you and your his ex; dump him. You don't need that. There are so many available and great SLE men waiting out there for you.

3. Be with him, stating the conditions that you're looking for someone else.

[Marietta]

but you seem to have had these strong doubts about his readiness and stuff from the beginning. why did you start a relationship back then if you felt intuitively that it is not gonna work at this stage? what is the difference between that moment when you decided to start it even though and the current moment when you decide to end it? maybe it's a manifestation of the victimish pushing and pulling more than anything else?

[Wavebury]

Has anyone ever successfully attempted this?

I guess it's so difficult because we've never been in a fight and we still love & think fondly of each other. I know most people here think I'm crazy for ending things, but I just don't want to be in a relationship with him until he gets himself settled & sorted out because I can't accept any less then 100%. I know this sounds incredibly bizarre, but because he just walked out of a marriage I want him to experience life on his own before he makes any kind of commitment. I want him to do this because otherwise I can see things going sour. He doesn't realize it, but I can see it far better then he can. At this point I'm pretty confident that we may find each other at a point when both of us are ready; but these things don't happen over night.

The only problem is that we can't seem to get out of each others lives. He literally won't go away. He still calls me everyday and won't stop until I answer; I try not to, but I end up feeling bad, missing him & I cave in. We somehow find little excuses to see each other & we always have a lot of fun. I know some good is coming of the break because he even admitted that the space was helping him get over his ex wife a lot faster. He wants to get back together but I don't feel like we're ready.

I somehow feel like us seeing & talking to each other is doing more harm than good, and now I feel like I'm caught in some kind of limbo...

How does one walk away from a dual? The withdraws suck.

I've broken up with a dual before. I just told her straightforwardly I felt she had screwed up and couldnt trust her anymore(which obviously isnt the case with your relationship but whatever, that part is irrelevant here). I thought she would take it badly, but she understood and we're still friends to this day.

Now to point the responsiblity back at you, in your case, could it be that you're the one who cant commit to him? Not say that what you're doing is wrong and you probably have alot of foresight here but when you think about it, you're doing the same thing you're afraid he'd do to you. You're rejecting him before he can reject you.

[Jarno]

yeah once this has hurt me for a real long time.

it depends, there are duals who are really your soulmate, and there are duals that are ok.

The ok ones, don't hurt a bit actually.

But the soulmates, that hurts too much. Don't break up with those whatever the reason. Just work around it.

[Wavebury]

But the soulmates, that hurts too much. Don't break up with those whatever the reason. Just work around it.

If your soulmate verbally abused you and threatened to physically mutilate your genitals, threw physical objects at people and flirted with every guy in town as much as she does with you would you not break up with her? Or do I understand your "whatever the reason" too literally?

[IEI]

I think IEIs' Se-seeking often manifests as having other people's wants become their wants.

Yes. I often feel like i'm one of these toys just waiting for someone to imprint me.

[Wavebury]

I think IEIs' Se-seeking often manifests as having other people's wants become their wants.

Yes. I often feel like i'm one of these toys just waiting for someone to imprint me.

Are you being sarcastic?

[Jarno]

Or do I understand your "whatever the reason" too literally?

yep

[IEI]

[quote=Typhon;803185]

Yes. I often feel like i'm one of these toys just waiting for someone to imprint me.

Are you being sarcastic?

No I'm not being sarcastic but I'm not being literal either. It's a metaphor of sorts I guess. The toy is moulded into different shapes based on the user. It's pretty static and lacks purpose until someone tells it what shape to make. It goes with the flow and is happy to comply.

[Reuben]

There are no such things as soul mates, imo. If you invasion your partner as your soul mate then you're only going to have an incredibly difficult & painful time getting over them. Never put anyone on a pedestal.

We need more chicks and dudes with that kind of attitude these days. Honestly, dual or not, a break up is just a break up. Like what you said yourself, starfall, just do what you do, make your life happy and bam, a new hottie will be in your life again. Soon.

It's envision by the way not invasion. Invading your partner as a soul mate is really sneaky there.

Hopefully your new hottie doesn't bring around heavy baggages, all the best.

[mu4]

There are no such things as soul mates, imo. If you invasion your partner as your soul mate then you're only going to have an incredibly difficult & painful time getting over them.

Agree. However, I think there's always the chance one will meet someone who will causes them all sort of mental lapses and foolish decisions.

Maybe women are just unromantic...

Never put anyone on a pedestal.

Imo people you love are always on a pedestal. But they're usually just screwups like everyone else.

[Jarno]

There are no such things as soul mates, imo.

talk to a dual of the same subtype and you know what I mean.

[Creepy-female]

I guess I keep thinking of an ideal relationship as a best friend. Someone that counsels you from destructiveness and neuroticism, looks at your well being as a long term thing to support, has a ton of respect for you, makes you laugh, and vice versa. I don't actually know if this is possible, but I like it infinitely more than the "I wanna rip your soul to shreds like Wolverine then have sex" approach. "Soulmate" relationships are about as exciting as eating your 7th cupcake. Not that I don't mind the idea of meeting someone who is the yin to my yang, but I prefer the term "kindred spirits" or something along those lines.

[Shazaam]

Love to me was....

Pain.
Having that great romantic ideal show up in my dreams
And also having it crash back down
So disappointed and alone, fragmented into pieces
The sex complicating everything...
Being protected
The gender you're attracted to, they all hated you, wanted to use you for sex
Exotic became erotic
To be protected by people you're not used being protected by,
Will always be comforting and thrilling

Every man is a rapist to a women, I think, until she meets a guy she's into
"It's about a boy isn't?" the cool liberal aunt says
And then we all know how that goes

When I say 'I want to get to know you'
Was more like wanting to have that dizzy intoxicating feeling forever,
And look in your eyes
I didn't want to get to know them, I only knew how they made me feel

The only person that ever made me feel that way
It was sexual , but sublimated sexual
The ultimate ideal
"The person who is attracted to me physically but also has my heart"
That one person in the world, and I found him....

But I lost him
Can't say how much he means to me, choked up
Never know what I had until it was gone

Follow a destructive path a few years later, downward spiral of hatred
"You're all just like them want to fuck and leave me" and they did
Scared and abandoned of my ****** side that only girls like dolphin accept....
Who cares about fefe dobson, bend over and let me see your ass

Wanting to be held like that but also something that is warm and sexual and bodily and human
Where you can touch it.
Both wanting it so bad , on the verge of shouting it to the world
And running away together in the forest forever, just the two of us

The heaven coming to reality. And the reality coming to heaven.

[mu4]

I guess I keep thinking of an ideal relationship as a best friend. Someone that counsels you from destructiveness and neuroticism, looks at your well being as a long term thing to support, has a ton of respect for you, makes you laugh, and vice versa. I don't actually know if this is possible, but I like it infinitely more than the "I wanna rip your soul to shreds like Wolverine then have sex" approach. "Soulmate" relationships are about as exciting as eating your 7th cupcake. Not that I don't mind the idea of meeting someone who is the yin to my yang, but I prefer the term "kindred spirits" or something along those lines.

I think duality arising from complementary information compatibility gives us a good theoretical model of the ideal relationship as far as a communication stand point. But talking about it that way doesn't make your heart beat faster or your head start pounding and your facebook stalking to initiate.

I don't think all dualities are the whole insane soulmate(you're the one baby) experience but some are. There is a wide variety of advice for romance/relationships that do not really look at the different information preferences people have, so they advocate some sort of pragmaticism(i.e the rules, put a ring on that) or some sort of romanticism(poets, artists, madmen).

The pragmatics are probably right, get hitched with someone compatible, profit. But that doesn't make my heart pound or gives me a excuse to stalk someone on face book.

[Jarno]

I don't think all dualities are the whole insane soulmate(you're the one baby) experience but some are.

yeah.

[Reuben]

@ dolphin

It's definitely possible. I've met a few girls IRL who are like that to me and vice versa, unfortunately I'm looking for higher levels of compatibility as well (life direction, looks, talent/skillsets).

Getting a steady in say 5 years time, so hopefully by then I find the right person!

And good luck to you to (:

[inumbra]

(I believe in "soul-mates." I think some relationships are very deep in this way, and some people report encountering this in others, and I believe in that sort of ideal relationship. I don't believe in actively searching for such a thing though as it usually doesn't happen when people pursue things because then they are just trying to make the world into their ideal and trying to mold others into their "soul mates" just to make it true. I don't know that I think "there is only one" as the soul mate feeling I think can come out in many relationships because often it is simply being totally naked with oneself and the other that produces the feeling... but I don't rule out a literal interpretation, like twin-souls that often fall together, life after life. No matter what though, I don't see it as something that can be sought after, or at least not by me--it arises, or it doesn't, and so although one can long for close relationships with others, I don't see the need in my longing for an ideal of 'soul mates' mainly because I feel that my concept of it arises out of other concepts, and it's those other concepts I would be longing for--not one of their projections.)

[Reuben]

A lot of people are convertible into soul mates, you just need to learn how to create the instant click feel, and persist when it doesn't click perfectly the first time round.

There is no such thing as just one person for anyone, neither can anyone be the one for you.

[Jarno]

There is no such thing as just one person for anyone, neither can anyone be the one for you.

yep, around 5% of the people is the one for you. So you only have to date 20 times if your dates are random, or once or twice when you focus solely on duals. :-)

[glam]

Maybe women are just unromantic...

Dylan Moran - Romance & shoes (Monster) - YouTube

i love Dylan Moran (and i am sure he is an ILE)

compared to some women, i don't care that much about shoes though. i just try to own a few pairs that are cute, easy to mix and match, and that let me move around quickly.

(and women aren't all unromantic!)

[redbaron]

(I believe in "soul-mates." I think some relationships are very deep in this way, and some people report encountering this in others, and I believe in that sort of ideal relationship. I don't believe in actively searching for such a thing though as it usually doesn't happen when people pursue things because then they are just trying to make the world into their ideal and trying to mold others into their "soul mates" just to make it true. I don't know that I think "there is only one" as the soul mate feeling I think can come out in many relationships because often it is simply being totally naked with oneself and the other that produces the feeling... but I don't rule out a literal interpretation, like twin-souls that often fall together, life after life. No matter what though, I don't see it as something that can be sought after, or at least not by me--it arises, or it doesn't, and so although one can long for close relationships with others, I don't see the need in my longing for an ideal of 'soul mates' mainly because I feel that my concept of it arises out of other concepts, and it's those other concepts I would be longing for--not one of their projections.)

[Reuben]

Glammy, stop perpetuating the myth that you're Asian what with the sultry Chinese female in your DP, display of affection towards hot, funny Caucasian guys, and the fact that you prefer functional shoes more than beautiful shoes, especially when you're in reality a perfectly unattainable Caucasian female living 10 thousand miles away.

[tcaudilllg]

I know the perfect ILE girl but she can't have kids and so we're not together.

[FDG]

A lot of people are convertible into soul mates, you just need to learn how to create the instant click feel, and persist when it doesn't click perfectly the first time round.

Sure, but our lifespan is finite. Thus, you might keep on persisting over and over for 90 years, then...die.

[mu4]

Aw. Best wishes!

[Creepy-Snaps]

Well, because of some crazy recent events, me & SLE are now trying to make it work again. We're back together. I finally decided to take crazedrats advice.

Still feeling an undercurrent of depression from the things that have suddenly affected my life for the worst, things I can never change... yet I remain optimistic. He's now not the only one with problems under his belt. We're going to help each other grow, I hope.

!!! ..... Good luck, I guess... not sure it'll work out, from everything you've shared...

Guess you hadn't taken my advice and completely ignored him. Blocked his # and all. Did the guilt eat at you? For the record, I thought you had made a smart decision before.

Who cares if you're not perfect either? If he's not emotionally over his ex, that's when it gets complicated. It's not your fault, I still think it's his.

2cents. fwiw, good luck again.

[Reuben]

Sure, but our lifespan is finite. Thus, you might keep on persisting over and over for 90 years, then...die.

You don't need a partner, but it's great to have one.

I thought I made the right decision too.... and for some reason it still doesn't feel right

answer below:

but I think that may be because I'm currently agonizing about other things.

It's worth a shot.

bring a bazooka.

[redbaron]

it's very very hard to stay away from a dual like that because they absolutely DO help you grow. And when there are hurdles in life, it's even harder to stay away because you need them more than ever. I get it and I don't think it's a bad thing that you're back together at all.

[Clumsy]

Well, because of some crazy recent events, me & SLE are now trying to make it work again. We're back together. I finally decided to take crazedrats advice.

Still feeling an undercurrent of depression from the things that have suddenly affected my life for the worst, things I can never change... yet I remain optimistic. He's now not the only one with problems under his belt. We're going to help each other grow, I hope.

Good luck, Starfall, and I hope things get better for you.

[Leader]

Im sorry but this makes me feel like breaking shit. Cheesy ass thread. Or maybe im just jealous.

[chip]

soul originally meant mind but we often associate soul to mean spirit. When you interpret soul to mean mind then yes soul mates exist. That would be our dual and likely our subtype dual.

I am even noticing a deeper compatibility within the enneagram theory. Basically identical instinctive subtypes match up better. That is self-preservation match well with self-preservation. Social better match up with Social. Sexual match up with Sexual. I can not explain it but its more like similiar enegry levels blend better together.

[thePirate]

Just came across this quote. I like it a lot. It goes well with my own views on the subject.


“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

sounds like a bunch of esoteric bullshit to me

[InkStrider]

Just came across this quote. I like it a lot. It goes well with my own views on the subject.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I like it. Some people just seem to come into our lives at certain times to shake us up a little bit, out of ourselves and our complacency, revealing sides of ourselves we never knew existed. Painful perhaps, but a necessity or we'll never grow.

[redbaron]

I love the quote, Starfall. That type of thing has been true for me with several people who have come into my life at various times. So I don't know about the term "soul mate" (in general, it's hard to use that term because people define it differently).

[FDG]

That quote is uberpoetodramatic bullshit. If someone has such an effect on you, then you definitely want to keep him-her into your life. After most of your negative walls and complexes have been dealt with, life can be much better, so I can't see why it'd be "too painful".

[Codie]

Hey starfall. Good on you for having the courage to work through things together, even though things aren't perfect right now. I wish you two all the best.

soul originally meant mind but we often associate soul to mean spirit. When you interpret soul to mean mind then yes soul mates exist.

After most of your negative walls and complexes have been dealt with, life can be much better, so I can't see why it'd be "too painful".

[Leader]

Just came across this quote. I like it a lot. It goes well with my own views on the subject.


“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

sounds like a bunch of esoteric bullshit to me

Thank you.

[Creepy-pokeball]

I dont see how a sincere break-up (to you one-nighters h0s) , dual or otherwise, is any less difficult. I am sure the chemical processes in each of our bodies would agree.

[LostinTime]

So, the whole "ending a relationship" process is difficult enough as it is but many people say that breaking up with a dual is the same process except somewhat amplified because you have to let go of a rare and special kind of connection that you may not have ever shared with someone before. Has anyone had the experience of breaking up with a dual? And, even after years have passed, somehow did you always end up comparing whoever came along to the dual and never really get that same emotional fulfillment? Basically, you're over what happened but never completely over that person, I guess.

I know this could happen with any "ex" you were especially attached to, dual or not. But, I'm talking about the intensity with which it happens - so much time has passed yet you're still kind of stuck on them and no one else quite compares. You try to keep an open heart and an open mind, but somehow just cannot get out of the predicament?