When I meet new people, or even quite a lot of people I know well things will start awkward.Originally Posted by songofsappho
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It's like I'm there - but I'm not saying anything. And that can make some more socially friendly people kind of be a bit bubbly or something. - and then it's like I can stop being so awkward -
And then it's like I'll keep kind of raising my energy level bit by bit, until someone complains or is uncomfortable about it, who is important to me.
It's like if someone is "tired" and you're "really intense" then they can easily be overwhelmed/overloaded. So it's easier to not be too much more energetic than them, and boost energy level up bit by bit as they start to wake up.
Although at the same time I can kind of spring awake at times. Which puts some people a bit on the defensive. And other people can kind of respond quickly, and kind of be "easy" about me being at a higher energy level.
Thing is - if I go into situations without holding back at all then it seems to make some people uncomfortable.
I suppose that's pretty passive on my part. The thing is, because I know I can raise my energy level, I don't necessarily feel the need to show myself to be excited, high-energy, enthusiastic etc.
Like - if someone says they have "low energy" or "can't get excited about anything", or they want people to be enthusiastic about what they want to do etc, it's like I can get other people to be more enthusiastic, I can get other people to be more excited, to have higher energy levels etc. And yet - it's normally as a secondary thing - for me - I don't really show excitement for no reason, I don't have high energy for no reason etc.
And so when my energy level rises, some people can kind of not be sure why my energy level rose, or necessarily feel comfortable with it.
I suppose I'm a bit of a slow starter - I reserve judgement. I kind of "wait" for a while, and then .. the thing is when I go on, my energy level rises real high - and it's like people can joke about it - it's not just slightly noticable, it's like really overt -
Anyway, even though I can be like that. I often lie low... I come across as "low energy", "uninterested", "in my own world" etc to a degree. The thing is that even when I'm like this, a lot of people seem to say "Hello" to me, lots of people seem to know who I am. And it's like I can kind of attract attention without really doing anything.
It's like I can not say anything - and people seem to somehow pick up on me. And be aware of me. And at times I can just not pay any attention to things that are happening around me. And then I can enter a new situation and it's like there's this moment of silence, and there's this kind of atmosphere of nervousness as people come to terms with my presence.
And it's like I remember sometimes how people kind of say "off" things, like "He's not saying anything", or "I'm nervous", or something, and it's like sometimes I just kind of approach situations in a way, that make people kind of anxious, insecure etc. Like some girls like to hide behind someone or something, and some people can kind of not trust me, get apprehensive, get all these "notions", "perceptions", "sensations", and not really be that grounded.
And then as I start to talk to people, get to know them etc, sometimes people kind of gently come towards me. Sometimes a little cautious at first. They can kind of "experiment" a little. Sometimse people start acting weird. And sometimes people seem to somewhat try to compete with me.
Then it's like as I get to know people - I kind of stop holding back as much - and I'm just more open and free.
But then there's the weird side.
Where people can start telling other people not to trust me, that I'm dangerous. And then there are people who say things like "I've been warned about you" or "I've been told not to talk to you", or "I've heard stories about you".
I don't know if it helps, that sometimes when that kind of thing happens, and other people are around they can laugh. And kind of reflect on previous experiences.
Also some people seem to get this notion that they have to be careful with me.
Anyway,
I suppose I'm careful with people at first. And I expect people to be a little careful at first - unless there's a necessity to not be and then it's like firm boundaries can be made, and it's like there's a destination in mind and so forth.
But yeah as I go on, I get pretty excited. And often people can "feel" the excitement, and some people like it, some don't. Some people can kind of feel a little out of control. Or not safe. And it's like it can be helpful to have people around to reassure/level people as energy levels are rising.
And it's like also, at first often there's a kind of slowing down, before a speeding up. And it's like I want everyone to be at the same speed - but not to make a sudden jump from low to high. Although myself, I can jump pretty quickly. It's just I seperate myself from others when I do.
But yeah - I can get pretty high energy -
Like at times I can kind of maintain conversations with multiple people at once, and it's like I can kind of flip betwen multiple people, and then someone can say something like I find it hard to hold a conversation with one person, let alone ...
blah blah
anyway, ranting..
It's like as I raise up in energy, I can kind of continously have a lot of energy which can irritate some people who want to be more "intense" or "energetic" than me, and it's like I'll kind of cruise at high energy... and it's like they have to struggle to even keep up.
But I do know the flipside of low energy too.
hmm like today, I was being low energy, and some random girl seemed to know my name, and know who i was, and was acting kind of familiar. and i couldn't remember who she was. and she seemed kind of nervous, and i thought that i should try to have some kind of conversation or something. which kind of happened. but like it's weird when you don't even remember who people are. and they know who you are, and they act familiar. and it's probably partially because she was nervous, that i felt like i should at least try and have a conversation.
but yeah, if it seems okay with people, i can keep raising .. and i can be pretty intense/excited, and it can be a lot of fun. bah,
i need to meet some real live people .. who are really awake.
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