Enneagram Type 6s and attaining self-confidence

[Gilly]

Honestly, I think the problem you are having is that you think you have some horrible inner traits/tendencies, that there is something you have to change something about yourself; the inner identification with your problems and resulting negative attitude towards yourself is pretty much the key factor in what amounts to self-sabotage.

Ironically I think this is usually indicative of being an Enneagram 4

[strrrng]

Honestly, I think the problem you are having is that you think you have some horrible inner traits/tendencies, that there is something you have to change something about yourself; the inner identification with your problems and resulting negative attitude towards yourself is pretty much the key factor in what amounts to self-sabotage.

Ironically I think this is usually indicative of being an Enneagram 4

That's what I thought as well, although I still think it takes a more anxiously strategic turn with Sam. Any shame seems to be a result of a feeling of societal distortion and suppression, and a desire to counteract this, albeit always harboring a remnant of the awareness that people are unlikely to accept the "truth." That, I think, is representative of his 6 fixation. Additionally, the so/sx instinct stacking pretty much enhances the need for external acceptance and inducing change in a larger context. Couple that with him being a beta and you have a match

[ArchonAlarion]

I have alot of issues with self-confidence. It mostly stays low, but occasionally it shoots up to almost uber-mensch heights lol. Then It feels like I'm some sort of righteous demigod who will smash all wrongful and unworthy authorities and bring about fairness and progress.

Yeah I'm definitely a 6.

But yeah 6w5 so/sx can suck. Its not like Im some sort of tag along or anything or that Im a pushover or conformist. Its just focusing on the big picture prolly a bit too much.

[redbaron]

My husband is a 6 (I know most people think ESEs can only be 2s or whatever but he is definitely a 6) and despite the fact that's he's extremely intelligent, socially adept, funny, capable and great at his job, he totally suffers from lack of self confidence. Doubts. Fears. It's horrible. He doesn't have the same sort of conscious fixation on it that you do, b&d, but it's there nonetheless. I like this:

Most 6s still believe that there is somebody else that can give them *self*-confidence, that it comes from a relationship, a career, finally having this and that etc. Until enough inner moppet is spanking is properly dolled out, a 6 will never really be who they are destined to be. Always clinging onto those times when other people protected them. It's so sweet. It feels so romantic, the 6 feels so loved and taken care for. But wait. How do they keep this person that made them feel good. By always staying weak, helpless? The person they fell in love with doesn't want that of course. They have to change. But how. The 6s have to do it. They hate this. They can't ask for advice.

This is a lot of his problem. I think he's finally starting to realize that I can't fix him, he has to do it. He often has this attitude of "why aren't you helping me?" but doesn't know what he wants and won't tell me or ask anyone else for help. He did tell me the other day that he needs a mentor so maybe that would be good. I dunno. I think 6s probably do have it pretty hard. I know another 6 who drives her husband crazy with her fears. She's EII and constantly on the lookout for anything that might go wrong. I think her clinging used to make her husband feel needed in a positive way but now it seems more like he feels annoyed by it. And I sometimes feel annoyed with the emotional neediness of my husband also. It's draining after awhile.

So tell me: what does the 6 need????

[07490]

My husband is a 6 (I know most people think ESEs can only be 2s or whatever but he is definitely a 6) and despite the fact that's he's extremely intelligent, socially adept, funny, capable and great at his job, he totally suffers from lack of self confidence. Doubts. Fears. It's horrible. He doesn't have the same sort of conscious fixation on it that you do, b&d, but it's there nonetheless. I like this:

Most 6s still believe that there is somebody else that can give them *self*-confidence, that it comes from a relationship, a career, finally having this and that etc. Until enough inner moppet is spanking is properly dolled out, a 6 will never really be who they are destined to be. Always clinging onto those times when other people protected them. It's so sweet. It feels so romantic, the 6 feels so loved and taken care for. But wait. How do they keep this person that made them feel good. By always staying weak, helpless? The person they fell in love with doesn't want that of course. They have to change. But how. The 6s have to do it. They hate this. They can't ask for advice.

This is a lot of his problem. I think he's finally starting to realize that I can't fix him, he has to do it. He often has this attitude of "why aren't you helping me?" but doesn't know what he wants and won't tell me or ask anyone else for help. He did tell me the other day that he needs a mentor so maybe that would be good. I dunno. I think 6s probably do have it pretty hard. I know another 6 who drives her husband crazy with her fears. She's EII and constantly on the lookout for anything that might go wrong. I think her clinging used to make her husband feel needed in a positive way but now it seems more like he feels annoyed by it. And I sometimes feel annoyed with the emotional neediness of my husband also. It's draining after awhile.

So tell me: what does the 6 need????

This is a very very good post. I understand the six, as well as ESE being a six much better. Good life story too.

[Shazaam]

Well you encourage the 6, make him realize what he is realistically capable of at any given moment: and then wait and see if he does that first before getting back with you on anything else. He might want to talk things over too much, but really- just have him accomplish it on his own and then come back to you.

Doing something he finds challenging and telling NOBODY about it is another thing that works. The not telling somebody about it part is hard for a 6... since we want to be integrated and likeable with others. But by refusing to talk about it he can't talk or second guess his way out of the second stop, he can't naively think he's 'finished' just because he accomplished the first task. (Another things 6s struggle with) He just has to trust and keep going , trust and keep going, etc. etc.

Because of this disconnect of basic will, simply 'living life' is hard for 6. It's weird. It kinda keeps us safe from too many reckless and impulsive behaviors though.

[Shazaam]

Honestly, I think the problem you are having is that you think you have some horrible inner traits/tendencies, that there is something you have to change something about yourself; the inner identification with your problems and resulting negative attitude towards yourself is pretty much the key factor in what amounts to self-sabotage.

Hmm. I don't know about the 4 thing, but this is true. I think sometimes I don't realize how much external stimuli/objects will truly help me. That I think there's something wrong with me but there isn't. It's more about external choices I have to make than a deep psychological process- and I don't realize that. I can't 'just do it' somehow. Any time I go to a psychologist or therapist they kinda shake their heads and are all 'Uhh why are you here?' It's funny.

[redbaron]

Well you encourage the 6, make him realize what he is realistically capable of at any given moment: and then wait and see if he does that first before getting back with you on anything else. He might want to talk things over too much, but really- just have him accomplish it on his own and then come back to you.

Doing something he finds challenging and telling NOBODY about it is another thing that works. The not telling somebody about it part is hard for a 6... since we want to be integrated and likeable with others. But by refusing to talk about it he can't talk or second guess his way out of the second stop, he can't naively think he's 'finished' just because he accomplished the first task. (Another things 6s struggle with) He just has to trust and keep going , trust and keep going, etc. etc.

Because of this disconnect of basic will, simply 'living life' is hard for 6. It's weird. It kinda keeps us safe from too many reckless and impulsive behaviors though.

lol, Reckless and impulsive behaviors are the very LEAST of my husband's problems. And... I'd like to meet ANYone who could get him to stop talking. Telling NOBODY? Honestly? How does that work with an ESE? He talks non-stop. (It's kinda funny cause the stereotype is that the woman wants to talk and the man wants to watch football or read the paper. Well, in our marriage it's like switched around. He wants to talk and sometimes even gets offended if I do too much of my own thing without chatting with him.) But yeah, he has a hard time trusting himself, believing in himself. I feel like I'm pretty good at encouraging him but there are other times that I feel like he needs to be pushed out of the nest and move forward confidently on his own. I guess I can get a bit impatient with the lack of confidence.

[Shazaam]

It works simply when he makes the effort and just fucking tries it. There's no excuses. He just has to give it a shot.

Have him try to do ONE thing by himself without telling ANYBODY about it. It's hard to do I know, esp. for a 6- who wants to feel a connection with others instead of what he really needs to grow (his own willpower). It has to be his little secret. Keep having him do little things.

He can still tell you a bunch of other stuff that happened (the trick is just wean him off his false sense of security not totally disconnect with him or harm the relationship) but he has to do at least one thing everyday that HE accomplished. He also can't brag or whine about it ANY FORM. He can't both play the victim OR boost himself up about it- even if he failed miserably.

It's for him and him alone.

It's like magic though, as I had this same therapy in real life before and it was like HEAVEN for a 6- as it basically skyrockets us into our liberation.

[Shazaam]

I feel like I'm pretty good at encouraging him but there are other times that I feel like he needs to be pushed out of the nest and move forward confidently on his own.

He has to encourage *himself.* That's all there is to it. If *he* doesn't feel capable and ready no amount of help/support/encouragement in the world would do ANYTHING for him, just think about it. And that IS the nitty gritty black yucky core stuff that 6s face in a fucking nutshell. That is the ROOT, baby.

6s are also great at telling people what they want to hear. So if you make them do baby ish assignments like 'write 6 good things about yourself, 6' they'd get it done all too easily. But have they *really* truly build their *own* confident from that little exercise? mostly not. Knowing is rarely the battle with 6s. It's the willing.

[Shazaam]

Plus he'll trust you more the more he trusts himself. He'll develop a sort of interdependence with you more naturally, the more he takes on his life and gets closer to himself, the more he'll get closer to you (by the law of attraction). But his behavior right now seems to just be drifting you guys farther apart in his kind of unhealthy illusions of what security truly is.

At the state he's in right now it seems like he's just doing what most 6s do and questioning every little thing instead of learning to trust. Keep encouraging him but dear god don't do anything for him you *know* he could do himself.

[Shazaam]

Also one last thing: It's a feeling of being ready, an energy a drive a focus/a willpower. A solid footing inside themselves. It's not knowing they are ready and capable, as in their HEADS 6s have ALWAYS known that, that's why it seems so pointless to just try sometimes. But they have to have that craving that zest that 'ha-ha' moment where they really feel they're ready. It's not a thought, it's a feeling. They'll be more relaxed, in their bodies. Not so much in their heads.

[07490]

On a side note, I think self-condfidence can be boost by hanging out with positive people, Listening to soul searching music, relating your self with many beautiful things in life, as oppose to being with people who is always angry/complaining, listening to music that does not calm your mind but brings Bullshit ideas to your mind which negativly influence you will bring anexiety.