Results 1 to 23 of 23

Thread: ENFp cannot do casual relationships

Hybrid View

  1. #1

    Default ENFp cannot do casual relationships

    so heres the story, ive been seeing a girl for about three months now, great girl, and i fell head over heels for her after the first month of us dating. i'm not sure of her type, i would guess ESFJ probably. she just called it off and i'm heartbroken and i'm sitting in my house wondering why in the hell i did this to myself again. it seems that i just cannot learn how to be in a casual relationship with someone, its all or nothing, if i'm dating someone, i fall for her really fast every time. i don't hold back, over the years ive learned that we ENFP's can tend to be smothering in relationships, so i try to hold back my feelings at first but they still develop. i go crazy for people and always get a broken heart and dryer tear ducts out of it.

    is this normal for enfp's? do we tend to fall head over heels in love for someone really quickly, only to be heartbroken for a couple days and then go out and try to do it all over again? it seems so increadibly stupid to me but ive been doing it forever now and i doubt i could stop if i could.

    VENT WARNING!:
    anyways, im really confused and heartbroken over this girl and it sucks really bad and i hate the fact that i can't call her right now to talk to her. i miss her so bad and i just wish it would have worked out with her because i was crazy about her and it breaks my heart that she didnt feel the same about me. this sucks and i hate it and i hate the fact that more than likely in about 6 months i'll be going through all of this shit all over again because i just cant help it.
    Last edited by silke; 03-16-2014 at 07:03 AM. Reason: edited out spam link

  2. #2
    ~~rubicon~~ Rubicon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Chatbox
    TIM
    SEI, 9
    Posts
    5,248
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by timeofurlife42 View Post
    VENT WARNING!:
    anyways, im really confused and heartbroken over this girl and it sucks really bad and i hate the fact that i can't call her right now to talk to her. i miss her so bad and i just wish it would have worked out with her because i was crazy about her and it breaks my heart that she didnt feel the same about me. this sucks and i hate it and i hate the fact that more than likely in about 6 months i'll be going through all of this shit all over again because i just cant help it.
    That feeling is the worst in the world.

  3. #3
    JuJu's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Springfield, Massachusetts, USA
    TIM
    EIE
    Posts
    2,703
    Mentioned
    8 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Oh man, I feel you.

    Know that you can talk about w/e you want here re: what happened... I'm sorry that you're going through this... I've found, during break-ups--as weird as this might sound--music really helps.

    I've experienced what you describe twice in my life so far--two different, gut-wrenching break-ups. My only advice is to consider it a grieving process... Sit in and cry as long as you need to. (Personal tip: stay away from the needle hehe)

    Some ppl recommend seeking 'diversions' to get your mind off of her... In 2007, this advice led me into a rebound relationship that wasn't at all fair to the girl I pulled into it, or to the person I'd loved and lost... At the end of the summer I'd lost two good ppl, my self-respect, and never felt so low. So my advice there is: beware.

    If I am ENFp--and there's a large chance I am--I'm like you in that I don't hold back my feelings... Ever... This leads to intense relationships... And I wouldn't have it any other way... But when everything shatters, it REALLY shatters.

  4. #4
    EffyCold thePirate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    TIM
    ??
    Posts
    1,883
    Mentioned
    12 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by timeofurlife42 View Post
    so heres the story, ive been seeing a girl for about three months now, great girl, and i fell head over heels for her after the first month of us dating. i'm not sure of her type, i would guess ESFJ probably. she just called it off and i'm heartbroken and i'm sitting in my house wondering why in the hell i did this to myself again. it seems that i just cannot learn how to be in a casual relationship with someone, its all or nothing, if i'm dating someone, i fall for her really fast every time. i don't hold back, over the years ive learned that we ENFP's can tend to be smothering in relationships, so i try to hold back my feelings at first but they still develop. i go crazy for people and always get a broken heart and dryer tear ducts out of it.

    is this normal for enfp's? do we tend to fall head over heels in love for someone really quickly, only to be heartbroken for a couple days and then go out and try to do it all over again? it seems so increadibly stupid to me but ive been doing it forever now and i doubt i could stop if i could.

    VENT WARNING!:
    anyways, im really confused and heartbroken over this girl and it sucks really bad and i hate the fact that i can't call her right now to talk to her. i miss her so bad and i just wish it would have worked out with her because i was crazy about her and it breaks my heart that she didnt feel the same about me. this sucks and i hate it and i hate the fact that more than likely in about 6 months i'll be going through all of this shit all over again because i just cant help it.
    You sound really really needy. Stop it.

    Youve only been together 3 months, and youre already in love? Dude..enfps are also very picky about who they let into their lives. Paradoxical forces at work here.


    It comes down to controlling your emotions. Sure, you can feel strong emotions for someone, but theirs a time and a place for that.
    <Crispy> what subt doesnt understand is that a healthy reaction to "FUCK YOU" is and not

  5. #5
    ***el X Mercenary
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Socionix sleeper cell
    TIM
    Te-ISTp
    Posts
    1,426
    Mentioned
    8 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I wish an ENFp would smother me.

  6. #6
    JuJu's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Springfield, Massachusetts, USA
    TIM
    EIE
    Posts
    2,703
    Mentioned
    8 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by thePirate View Post
    You sound really really needy. Stop it.

    Youve only been together 3 months, and youre already in love? Dude..enfps are also very picky about who they let into their lives. Paradoxical forces at work here.


    It comes down to controlling your emotions. Sure, you can feel strong emotions for someone, but theirs a time and a place for that.
    IMO, Pirate, either you're ENFp and I'm not, or I'm ENFp and you're not... I've read your posts over these months, and we are not the same type.

    Essentially, you're telling him that his feelings are silly and to 'suck it up...' Do you think he really needs to hear that from you?

  7. #7
    aka Slacker Slacker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    North Korea
    TIM
    IEE
    Posts
    8,814
    Mentioned
    24 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I would get destroyed when a relationship broke up, even if I did the breaking up, but I generally only felt that way for about 2 weeks. So my best advice is to wait two weeks and then meet other women. But go ahead and wallow in it for a couple of weeks. Listen to some sad songs, watch sad movies, talk to people about it, etc.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

  8. #8
    jessica129's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    10,121
    Mentioned
    77 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    No offense is meant when I say this, but it's only three months. I know you can have extremely intense feelings for someone after only a month, but if I were in a relationship and someone started showing those sorts of feelings so early on, quite honestly, I'd run the other way. I'm not saying you're wrong for having them--that's just seems extremely fast. Personally, i'd feel like it was a little phoney and like he was trying to hard and it'd turn me off.

    Again, I'm not judging you for having those feelings because no doubt, they can come on that fast..but you just have to step back a second--take a deep breath and let things progress slower. I know for me, it'd be overwhelming having someone have such intense feelings after a few months. I dated someone two years and it took almost a year to grow enough courage to say the L-word. This is just how I like things to be in relationships. The slower, the better. Why rush things?

  9. #9
    Topaz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    1,340
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    No offense is meant when I say this, but it's only three months. I know you can have extremely intense feelings for someone after only a month, but if I were in a relationship and someone started showing those sorts of feelings so early on, quite honestly, I'd run the other way. I'm not saying you're wrong for having them--that's just seems extremely fast. Personally, i'd feel like it was a little phoney and like he was trying to hard and it'd turn me off.

    Again, I'm not judging you for having those feelings because no doubt, they can come on that fast..but you just have to step back a second--take a deep breath and let things progress slower. I know for me, it'd be overwhelming having someone have such intense feelings after a few months. I dated someone two years and it took almost a year to grow enough courage to say the L-word. This is just how I like things to be in relationships. The slower, the better. Why rush things?
    I agree.

    Topaz
    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

  10. #10
    EffyCold thePirate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    TIM
    ??
    Posts
    1,883
    Mentioned
    12 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JuJu View Post
    IMO, Pirate, either you're ENFp and I'm not, or I'm ENFp and you're not... I've read your posts over these months, and we are not the same type.

    Essentially, you're telling him that his feelings are silly and to 'suck it up...' Do you think he really needs to hear that from you?
    If thats the case, you're not.

    Also, thats not what I told him. Re-read my post.

    Its also not an ENFP/whatever thing. Alot of bullshit I see around here doesn't really have anything to do with socionics(although its an easy scapegoat).

    ala 'OMG ENFPS LOVE TOO QUICK LOLZ IM DOOMED'


    Also, whats the point of your post? To say my advice is is unhelpful, while contributing nothing?


    the post wasn't for you in the first place
    <Crispy> what subt doesnt understand is that a healthy reaction to "FUCK YOU" is and not

  11. #11
    escaping anndelise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    WA
    TIM
    IEE 649 sx/sp cp
    Posts
    6,359
    Mentioned
    215 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by thePirate View Post
    If thats the case, you're not.

    Also, thats not what I told him. Re-read my post.

    Its also not an ENFP/whatever thing. Alot of bullshit I see around here doesn't really have anything to do with socionics(although its an easy scapegoat).

    ala 'OMG ENFPS LOVE TOO QUICK LOLZ IM DOOMED'


    Also, whats the point of your post? To say my advice is is unhelpful, while contributing nothing?


    the post wasn't for you in the first place
    well, you did say:
    You sound really really needy. Stop it.

    Youve only been together 3 months, and youre already in love? Dude..enfps are also very picky about who they let into their lives. Paradoxical forces at work here.


    It comes down to controlling your emotions. Sure, you can feel strong emotions for someone, but theirs a time and a place for that.
    You tell him he sounds really really needy and to stop it. Stopping it could apply to sounding needy...in which case it sounds like you might be telling him he shouldn't vent those emotions...ala 'suck it up' and 'keep it to yourself'. Stopping it could also be applying to 'stop being so damned needy', in which case one could still see it as a possible suggest to 'suck it up'.

    As for the 3 month thing, surely an enfp would recognize that 3 months is plenty of time to develop an attachment to someone. An enfp would recognize that emotions aren't necessarily controlled before taking action on them. And that the pickiness of who they let into their lives is developed out of experience and learning about one's own priorities..and thus takes time to develop. Also that each person would develop it in his/her own way, and in varying amounts of time.

    And even the last part of your first response is suggesting that it all comes down to controlling the emotions...and for only letting the emotions out when the time/place is appropriate. To be quite honest, this not only supports the perception of 'suck it up' being said, but it also sounds like something a J type would advise an ExFp.

    Most common enfp responses are to point out silver linings, black linings, or other possibilities. It's probably very rare that an enfp would suggest to the person to stop being so ExFp-ish.



    I also think that JuJu was referencing more than just this thread. But, imo, this part should be in its own thread and not to hijack the OP's thread.

    It's also possible that the directness and seeming abruptness of the posts JuJu is referencing could just be that certain cues are being missed since this IS a written format and not one-on-one nor face-to-face. So maybe you aren't really being as direct, abrupt, or (possibly) rude as it might seem at first read.
    IEE 649 sx/sp cp

  12. #12
    EffyCold thePirate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    TIM
    ??
    Posts
    1,883
    Mentioned
    12 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by anndelise View Post
    well, you did say:


    You tell him he sounds really really needy and to stop it. Stopping it could apply to sounding needy...in which case it sounds like you might be telling him he shouldn't vent those emotions...ala 'suck it up' and 'keep it to yourself'. Stopping it could also be applying to 'stop being so damned needy', in which case one could still see it as a possible suggest to 'suck it up'.

    As for the 3 month thing, surely an enfp would recognize that 3 months is plenty of time to develop an attachment to someone. An enfp would recognize that emotions aren't necessarily controlled before taking action on them. And that the pickiness of who they let into their lives is developed out of experience and learning about one's own priorities..and thus takes time to develop. Also that each person would develop it in his/her own way, and in varying amounts of time.

    And even the last part of your first response is suggesting that it all comes down to controlling the emotions...and for only letting the emotions out when the time/place is appropriate. To be quite honest, this not only supports the perception of 'suck it up' being said, but it also sounds like something a J type would advise an ExFp.

    Most common enfp responses are to point out silver linings, black linings, or other possibilities. It's probably very rare that an enfp would suggest to the person to stop being so ExFp-ish.



    I also think that JuJu was referencing more than just this thread. But, imo, this part should be in its own thread and not to hijack the OP's thread.

    It's also possible that the directness and seeming abruptness of the posts JuJu is referencing could just be that certain cues are being missed since this IS a written format and not one-on-one nor face-to-face. So maybe you aren't really being as direct, abrupt, or (possibly) rude as it might seem at first read.
    Thats EXACTLY what I was talking about in my last post. Im not telling him to stop being enfpish, his neediness has nothing to do with being an ENFP.

    SOCIONICS IS NOT A SCAPEGOAT.

    Also, we can argue back & forth..but I told him to stop being needy by controlling his emotions.

    So now, thats not 'sucking it up'. Controlling emotions is an art in itself, I dont think you quite understand it.

    And yes emotions aren't neccessarily controlled, but thats my advice on THIS particular situation.

    You assume alot.
    <Crispy> what subt doesnt understand is that a healthy reaction to "FUCK YOU" is and not

  13. #13
    Lobo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    TIM
    EII 6w5
    Posts
    2,080
    Mentioned
    6 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by timeofurlife42 View Post
    so heres the story, ive been seeing a girl for about three months now, great girl, and i fell head over heels for her after the first month of us dating. i'm not sure of her type, i would guess ESFJ probably. she just called it off and i'm heartbroken and i'm sitting in my house wondering why in the hell i did this to myself again. it seems that i just cannot learn how to be in a casual relationship with someone, its all or nothing, if i'm dating someone, i fall for her really fast every time. i don't hold back, over the years ive learned that we ENFP's can tend to be smothering in relationships, so i try to hold back my feelings at first but they still develop. i go crazy for people and always get a broken heart and dryer tear ducts out of it.

    is this normal for enfp's? do we tend to fall head over heels in love for someone really quickly, only to be heartbroken for a couple days and then go out and try to do it all over again? it seems so increadibly stupid to me but ive been doing it forever now and i doubt i could stop if i could.

    VENT WARNING!:
    anyways, im really confused and heartbroken over this girl and it sucks really bad and i hate the fact that i can't call her right now to talk to her. i miss her so bad and i just wish it would have worked out with her because i was crazy about her and it breaks my heart that she didnt feel the same about me. this sucks and i hate it and i hate the fact that more than likely in about 6 months i'll be going through all of this shit all over again because i just cant help it.
    First of all, do not think that there is something wrong with you in having strong feelings about someone, or that you need to "surpress" them. The way I see it is that it's a gift to have strong feelings about anything, since it's almost impossible (idk, maybe someone has done it) to make yourself feel something from nothing... However, it's important to control and focus what you feel in order to for it to serve the higher purpose that it was given to you. From what you are saying, it seems like your feelings are living la vida loca . Have you thought about what it is that you need so much from the girls you date? Because you seem to have a lot of "need-love," rather than giving without wanting to receive... Maybe you should take a break from dating to first figure out what it is that you want from a girl or life in general, so you can have focus.

    Again, don't think your feelings are bad, but they seem to lack focus. This sounds like too simple a concept, but have you also considered that maybe these girls you've dated don't actually "need" or really can appreciate the qualities that you offer in a relationship? People who are not like you in what you feel might get spooked out about your feelings because they don't understand it... But you also have to keep in mind the other factors in determining who is right for you, not just the feeling part.

    I would recommend to not follow Socionics in that ISTps being a "dual" will compliment you in some way and help you with this. Actually, I would highly advise you to not get into close relationships with STs at this moment, because it will make it worse... I'm not telling you that they suck, just that before trying to tackle the difficulties involved you should be very tough emotionally.

    Unless you haven't done it yet, why don't you spend some time directing your feelings in other ways that are not "lover" type? as in showing the love to people who don't have it. Who knows, maybe that's what you should be doing right now instead? There are people out there that need the type of openness that you show and who will really appreciate it.

    Good luck

  14. #14
    kensi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Edmonton, Ab, Canada
    Posts
    567
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by timeofurlife42 View Post
    so heres the story, ive been seeing a girl for about three months now, great girl, and i fell head over heels for her after the first month of us dating. i'm not sure of her type, i would guess ESFJ probably. she just called it off and i'm heartbroken and i'm sitting in my house wondering why in the hell i did this to myself again. it seems that i just cannot learn how to be in a casual relationship with someone, its all or nothing, if i'm dating someone, i fall for her really fast every time. i don't hold back, over the years ive learned that we ENFP's can tend to be smothering in relationships, so i try to hold back my feelings at first but they still develop. i go crazy for people and always get a broken heart and dryer tear ducts out of it.

    is this normal for enfp's? do we tend to fall head over heels in love for someone really quickly, only to be heartbroken for a couple days and then go out and try to do it all over again? it seems so increadibly stupid to me but ive been doing it forever now and i doubt i could stop if i could.

    VENT WARNING!:
    anyways, im really confused and heartbroken over this girl and it sucks really bad and i hate the fact that i can't call her right now to talk to her. i miss her so bad and i just wish it would have worked out with her because i was crazy about her and it breaks my heart that she didnt feel the same about me. this sucks and i hate it and i hate the fact that more than likely in about 6 months i'll be going through all of this shit all over again because i just cant help it.
    Dont be concerned with the relationships that fail...there is obviously something missing there from an interactive standpoint....just move on.... if she was ESFj she probably thought she was too good for you no different probably than an ENFp thinking he/she is too good for an ENTj i imagine. Dont know though...thats all i can comment for now.
    ENTP:wink:ALPHA

  15. #15
    escaping anndelise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    WA
    TIM
    IEE 649 sx/sp cp
    Posts
    6,359
    Mentioned
    215 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Not sure if this will help now, but maybe later you can think about it...

    The right person for you will be someone who responds positively to how quickly and strongly you become attached to them.

    The right person for you will be the person who responds positively to YOU, faults and all.

    Anyone else is just a stepping stone of life's (and love's) experiences.
    You can learn from these experiences...or not. That's your choice.

    But for now...let yourself experience it. You'll get through it as you've done before. And you'll probably go through it a few more times as well.

    And when that right person does come along, you'll finally be ready for them.

    and somewhere on this forum i have a humorous story about one of my interactions with trying on a relationship with an esfj. If you'd like, I can look it up for ya. At least it may give you a chuckle, heh.



    (note, i went ahead and looked for it just in case you wanted it sooner rather than later, if at all)http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin...hip#post118150
    Last edited by anndelise; 09-22-2008 at 05:36 AM. Reason: added link
    IEE 649 sx/sp cp

  16. #16
    Slippery when wet Simon Ssmall's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    ✈ ↺
    Posts
    2,225
    Mentioned
    16 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    From what I can say is that I fall in love very easily...and just as easily fall out. After a breakup it usually takes a week or two and I'm with someone else or pursuing someone. Really makes you think if it was "love", most likely not and was just my imagination running wild.

    One way or another as JuJu said finding someone else just for the sake of it won't work probably... I'm in similar position (just I don't feel devastated, I perfectly understand why it didn't work out and accept it as it is) and I already messed around with other people. I already know its not the way to go as there's that guilt voice in the back of my head that is beating me up for it, but soon I will sort the mess out.

    I think what Sereno said is also a very good advice, one I want to follow, will see how it goes. Roaming around alone may not be as satisfying as being with someone but it gives you time to realize what you really want from a partner.

  17. #17
    aka Slacker Slacker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    North Korea
    TIM
    IEE
    Posts
    8,814
    Mentioned
    24 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Oh now, let's see. Three months would seem like nothing to me now, at 38. I've been married 10 years and it doesn't feel like that long. LOL. But when I was 16 or 17, that would have been FOREVER. So, how old is the OP? I assumed quite young.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •