Just fooling myself sometimes (ENTp)

[ScanDave]

I've tried being like other people to try and blend in. Sure it works, but it just gets so tiring and boring. I try being myself and people laugh and seem to enjoy my company, but I get this underlining feeling sometimes that they are just tolerating me, or being nice.

I love being me, and really get a kick out of being me. However, it is at these times people call me weird, random, or crazy. I hate dumbing myself down, since I did that through grade school to avoid getting picked on. Still, I find myself dumbing myself down or toning it down. When this happens, my usual enthusiasm gets replaces with an almost depressed state that totally sucks ass. I usually have to start analyzing things to get out of it (hence what I am partly doing now).

So I figure am I fooling myself sometimes? I want to think people see I'm this awesome different person like they say. However, I just get the feeling like they talk behind my back. I do not consider myself lacking confidence in who I am, but I get to thinking people see me acting "weird" as a lack of self-confidence. Maybe to them it seems like I'm showing off?

My ex-INFp-girlfriend got a kick out of my behavior. And still does. I have another friend that enjoys my behavior also. So, I look at those examples as there is still hope out there.

I'm just venting a bit because I get this wave of negative feeling once in a while that just stabs me in the gut. I hate having it, so like I said above I have to analyze stuff to get rid of it. I tend to talk about stuff with friends, but I get to thinking they see it as a lack of self-confidence when I bounce back and forth between options and solutions. It's like I already know what route I'm going to take, but I love working through all options and imagining the outcomes. I remember this used to frustrate my ex when I would do it with her problems. I tend to love input from the outside because it is one of my tests to see how experienced or "intelligent' the person I'm talking to is.

I've gone on enough for now. Can anyone relate?

[UDP]

^ part of the reason I just don't toil/deal with people like that anymore. I'm myself, and whatever personality that is, it is me, and that is what I am. I don't really care what other people classify it as, or try to make of me. They have the right to their own opinions, I suppose...


I suppose I have nothing great to say, though.

I love being me, and really get a kick out of being me.

You sound young? perhaps aroudn my age.
I suppose that what you say there, in what I quoted, is what really matters most right now. I believe it is better to feel that way about yourself, then to be everybodys best friend and feel shity on the inside. But I don't know. I just know me.

[ENTpMale]

but I get this underlining feeling sometimes that they are just tolerating me, or being nice.

I hate dumbing myself down, since I did that through grade school to avoid getting picked on.

my usual enthusiasm gets replaces with an almost depressed state that totally sucks ass. I usually have to start analyzing things to get out of it (hence what I am partly doing now).

I just get the feeling like they talk behind my back. I

Maybe to them it seems like I'm showing off?

because I get this wave of negative feeling once in a while that just stabs me in the gut. I

I can relate and here are some things I try to remember:

1. You are not your feelings. They are just feelings.
2. You are not your history or rules you stored awayed. They're just reference material.
3. Perception is reality.
4. You are always the person in the present moment and that's neither feeling or history.

For some reason those four beliefs, if I can go over them rationally, bring things back in focus and I deal. Previously, I did what I think you're doing which is to try to bring on some kind of upbeat emotional rally to smother out stuff I didn't want to just put in perspective. It doesn't work for very long, and I think you know that. Good luck.

[ScanDave]

Yeah it does not work very long. I seem to better handle it though under the influence of alcohol.

Well thanks though. Those four rules are similar to something I came up with when shit gets too out of control.