Originally Posted by
merky
t's been said to me that I'm SLE, so I must therefore be Beta.
I find that I have both an awareness of social norms, and a degree of compliance.
Although sometimes I actually struggle to say socially compliant.
People have told me that I at times, push boundarys, and limits. And that I push past what is acceptable. And that sometimes I'm more than slightly far out -
Generally, I try to hold myself in check. Like I'll do things like not swear at a bank. And I'll try and not act "crazy" in "formal" establishments.
When I'm doing this I get kind of more still, and quieter. But sometimes it's like I need to let go - I need to release, and it's like I find it hard to constrain my behaviour.
I've found that in some situations, it's like people want to block me for a short while so that I don't just storm into an area. Or that I'll kind of seem to be operating at a different tempo from other people around me.
Like other people won't be moving much, and I'll move a lot. Or other people are all moving, and I'm still. And it's like I'm not "aligning" very well.
That said at times, I like people to be "well behaved" and to use "manners". I find that I really do prefer if people greet me when they see me. And sometimes it really bugs me if people pretend I don't exist. Like I want to nearly go and start a physical fight, due to me perceiving someone not "paying attention" to me.
I used to find problems with people who would kind of try and "break" order. Or inconvenience me in some way or other. And it significantly pissed me off, if people got in the way of my "order".
Sometimes people would try and act oblivious. Like they didn't know what they were doing, or the ramifications of such though.
It's like if you want to go through a doorway, and someone is in the way. Then should you push them out of the way, or should you ask nicely if they'd PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
And then if someone's like, "What are you going to do about it?" It's like you have to take things to the physical level, otherwise they might try and pull the same shit again.
I suppose most of the time I'm quite moderate in my behaviour though. I like people to understand what rules are important, and what rules are bendable. And I like to inform people in advance, before they break rules.
Also I used to have double rules for girls and guys. It's like for guys I wanted them to be forceful. And girls I wanted them to be pleasant. I didn't like it when girls were forceful, or guys were pleasant.
It's like if a girl asks for something, they should say it in a nice way. They can't be demanding, or pushy, or threaten or anything.
Whereas guys, I want them to be forward, direct. In your face. And immediate.
Anyway, I suppose it's weird what people find important, and what they don't. Like I think it's important to hold doors open for people. I think it's important to be honest. I think it's important to be direct. But I don't like it when people are like "I might have a problem" or "I don't know if what you're doing is the right way to go". TO ME, it's like that kind of doubt, or ambiguity. It can drive me crazy.
And sometimes it's like I can ignore people if they seem too ambigious, like they don't matter, because if they're going to act like they don't matter, then surely they don't matter, and they have to learn to say things like they matter. And so that they matter. And then I don't have to ignore them. So it's like I feel like in a way i have to teach people the right way to behave. And so it's okay if someone starts off on the wrong foot, as long as they can move to the right foot.
Like I used to have this problem with girls quite often, where it's like when they wanted to get my attention they wouldn't be pushy enough. I'd say things like - if you want my attention *STARE* at my eyes. Don't just look at my eyes. If it's important, you need to raise the intensity in your eyes.
The thing is, I found that some people seem to have no idea how to have more "intense" eyes. And so they'll want to practice, and it's like you have to kind of "teach" them to keep raising the intensity. And that it's okay, and nothing bad will happen.
It's like some people would seem to have this strange idea, that from a long distance away you should be able to look at someone and they'd pick up on it. And know that you want attention. And enough attention, to go all the way over to them, far away, and pay them attention. Without putting nearly enough energy into it.
The thing is, in my crazy deranged manic mind. It doesn't actually require that much energy, to cross long distances, for some minor thing, if someone's important to me, and doesn't abuse it.
I suppose there's just something about me, that makes it harder for me to pick up glances or gazes. But like, I know it works so in a way, when someone says that they tried to get my attention, and they were looking at me, and I didn't respond, saying that they need to be more intense, and then getting them to practice intensifying their gaze seems to mean that I don't have to worry about them, and I can stay focused on what I'm doing - knowing that they won't feel so uncomfortable about not being able to get my attention.