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    Default About my ESFj mother-in-law

    I love my mother-in-law. She's really cool, and she's a lot of fun.

    But she has this funny quirk. And I just figured out what it's about. I want you folks to tell me if it's weak Ti or weak Te. Of course someone here will say it's some other function, and that's fine, tell me what you think.

    Anyway, she never buys enough food. Last year when she was here, she was serving up something, and she gave my husband and my father-in-law plenty of food, herself a fair amount, and me a child-sized portion, and my daughter an empty plate. And then she said, "When my kids were that little, I just fed them off my plate." My daughter was 5 last year, and my mother-in-law had given me the right amount of food for a 5-year-old, so I just gave it all to her. And then my husband split his plate with me. My mother-in-law was horrified that we were still hungry. This was not her intent. She was really bothered that there wasn't enough food. I was offended because I thought she just didn't care if I had enough to eat or something.

    Well now I have been shopping with her and I've figured it out. The other day, she was buying chicken breasts, and they come in packs of three here (which seems odd as a chicken has two, but whatever.) She thought three chicken breasts were too many and she should only cook one and a half and save the other one and a half for a future meal. It was just so much food! And I said that the three of us (my husband, daughter, and myself) eat two chicken breasts between us. How many did she and my father-in-law eat? They eat one to one and a half between them. So let's do some simple math here. Will one and a half chicken breasts feed all five of us if the three of us eat two and the two of them eat at least one? This has happened with other food as well, but that example should be enough. Anyway, we cooked all three, and we just barely had enough for all of us.

    So the problem is that she has no idea how much food we will all need. She figures she can cook as much as she and my father-in-law generally have, and then add a little bit more for the other three of us. And then if she does that, there isn't enough food for everyone. I think the only reason she finally paid attention to me is that I'm pregnant and I'd lost two pounds between two appointments, and this gave her pause. She doesn't want to starve her impending grandchild. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'd be hungry every night still. It just looks like so much food!

    I know you'd think someone with very strong Si would have enough food for everyone, but I think that her weak Te is causing her to not be able to estimate how much food we'll all eat. I could be convinced that it's some Ti logic thing.

    Anyway, tell me what you think.

    (And sorry I've been gone but I guess I haven't felt like I have much to say.)
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    Anyway, she never buys enough food. Last year when she was here, she was serving up something, and she gave my husband and my father-in-law plenty of food, herself a fair amount, and me a child-sized portion, and my daughter an empty plate. And then she said, "When my kids were that little, I just fed them off my plate." My daughter was 5 last year, and my mother-in-law had given me the right amount of food for a 5-year-old, so I just gave it all to her. And then my husband split his plate with me. My mother-in-law was horrified that we were still hungry. This was not her intent.
    I was wondering if the bolded part has something to do with really weak but valued . Because this is what she did when her kids were little, this is the thing to do when feeding small children: let them eat off your plate... so apply this "rule" or "law" to everyone in every situation.

    I don't understand why she would be concerned that you lost 2 lbs in your pregnancy (worries about "her grandchild") but not care if you get enough to eat (like if you weren't pregnant).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    I love my mother-in-law. She's really cool, and she's a lot of fun.

    But she has this funny quirk. And I just figured out what it's about. I want you folks to tell me if it's weak Ti or weak Te. Of course someone here will say it's some other function, and that's fine, tell me what you think.

    Anyway, she never buys enough food. Last year when she was here, she was serving up something, and she gave my husband and my father-in-law plenty of food, herself a fair amount, and me a child-sized portion, and my daughter an empty plate. And then she said, "When my kids were that little, I just fed them off my plate." My daughter was 5 last year, and my mother-in-law had given me the right amount of food for a 5-year-old, so I just gave it all to her. And then my husband split his plate with me. My mother-in-law was horrified that we were still hungry. This was not her intent. She was really bothered that there wasn't enough food. I was offended because I thought she just didn't care if I had enough to eat or something.

    Well now I have been shopping with her and I've figured it out. The other day, she was buying chicken breasts, and they come in packs of three here (which seems odd as a chicken has two, but whatever.) She thought three chicken breasts were too many and she should only cook one and a half and save the other one and a half for a future meal. It was just so much food! And I said that the three of us (my husband, daughter, and myself) eat two chicken breasts between us. How many did she and my father-in-law eat? They eat one to one and a half between them. So let's do some simple math here. Will one and a half chicken breasts feed all five of us if the three of us eat two and the two of them eat at least one? This has happened with other food as well, but that example should be enough. Anyway, we cooked all three, and we just barely had enough for all of us.

    So the problem is that she has no idea how much food we will all need. She figures she can cook as much as she and my father-in-law generally have, and then add a little bit more for the other three of us. And then if she does that, there isn't enough food for everyone. I think the only reason she finally paid attention to me is that I'm pregnant and I'd lost two pounds between two appointments, and this gave her pause. She doesn't want to starve her impending grandchild. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'd be hungry every night still. It just looks like so much food!

    I know you'd think someone with very strong Si would have enough food for everyone, but I think that her weak Te is causing her to not be able to estimate how much food we'll all eat. I could be convinced that it's some Ti logic thing.

    Anyway, tell me what you think.

    (And sorry I've been gone but I guess I haven't felt like I have much to say.)
    it does sound to me like weak Ti, looking for and needing help with the math of it all.

    congrats on your pregnancy as well. i like how you sneaked into the story. how far along are you?

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    Quote Originally Posted by dbmmama View Post
    congrats on your pregnancy as well. i like how you sneaked into the story. how far along are you?
    Thanks to you and glam. I'm not too far along - just 10 weeks.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    good to see you, slacker mom
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    Check out my Socionics group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/1546362349012193/

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    Nice to see you back, Slacker Mom. Congrats on the new bun.
    "Those who make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities..."

    - Voltaire

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    Uhm that might be right, I'll try to figure out why it doesn't strike me as correct, but even my weak Ni is predicting I'll fail (c:

    Anyways, I've seen ESTjs doing something similar, or more often overcompensating like cracka, very often.
    LSI

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    Quote Originally Posted by PotatoSpirit View Post
    Uhm that might be right, I'll try to figure out why it doesn't strike me as correct, but even my weak Ni is predicting I'll fail (c:

    Anyways, I've seen ESTjs doing something similar, or more often overcompensating like cracka, very often.
    Well LSE have Te, but they lack strong Ni. You can use resources or buy efficiently with food (Te) while still lacking the foresight to properly plan for a given amount (Ni). What Slacker Mom and thehotelambush are saying though is that both Te and Ni need to work in conjunction to adequately plan for the appropriate amount, which is what was lacking in her mother-in-law.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Logos View Post
    Well LSE have Te, but they lack strong Ni. You can use resources or buy efficiently with food (Te) while still lacking the foresight to properly plan for a given amount (Ni). What Slacker Mom and thehotelambush are saying though is that both Te and Ni need to work in conjunction to adequately plan for the appropriate amount, which is what was lacking in her mother-in-law.
    Even looking at this paragraph Te seems to be just stuffed in there to fit the theory: at first (correctly IMO) Ni does something and Te does something else, then Ni+Te do Ni's job together. So I agree that's what they were saying, but I still have the impression Te is redundant and Ni is enough.
    I don't see a Te process missing here, I don't see "bad use of resources" or "inefficiency".

    I have also often gone food shopping with an INFp, and he never had this problem. I admit one ESTj and one INFp are not enough to generalize.
    LSI

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    congrats on the preggers

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    Congratulations (((((c:

    This is what bothers me about ESFjs in the long run, especially if they are not very Fe about it (c:

    I think it's mainly Ni too, I can't see how it's Te, and weak Ti might have something to do with not having some general guidelines for buying the right amount of food.

    IMO what Logos provides is his strong Ni. He's not bothered by the ESFjs' shortcoming because he doesn't value it, much like I find Si polr "endearing".

    In the same way, if I understood correctly, once you realized it was bad Ni and not bad Fi or Si, you felt better... who cares about Ni?
    LSI

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    It's probably a combination of Ni and Te (allocation of resources), not so much Ti.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    I love my mother-in-law. She's really cool, and she's a lot of fun.

    But she has this funny quirk. And I just figured out what it's about. I want you folks to tell me if it's weak Ti or weak Te. Of course someone here will say it's some other function, and that's fine, tell me what you think.

    Anyway, she never buys enough food. Last year when she was here, she was serving up something, and she gave my husband and my father-in-law plenty of food, herself a fair amount, and me a child-sized portion, and my daughter an empty plate. And then she said, "When my kids were that little, I just fed them off my plate." My daughter was 5 last year, and my mother-in-law had given me the right amount of food for a 5-year-old, so I just gave it all to her. And then my husband split his plate with me. My mother-in-law was horrified that we were still hungry. This was not her intent. She was really bothered that there wasn't enough food. I was offended because I thought she just didn't care if I had enough to eat or something.

    Well now I have been shopping with her and I've figured it out. The other day, she was buying chicken breasts, and they come in packs of three here (which seems odd as a chicken has two, but whatever.) She thought three chicken breasts were too many and she should only cook one and a half and save the other one and a half for a future meal. It was just so much food! And I said that the three of us (my husband, daughter, and myself) eat two chicken breasts between us. How many did she and my father-in-law eat? They eat one to one and a half between them. So let's do some simple math here. Will one and a half chicken breasts feed all five of us if the three of us eat two and the two of them eat at least one? This has happened with other food as well, but that example should be enough. Anyway, we cooked all three, and we just barely had enough for all of us.

    So the problem is that she has no idea how much food we will all need. She figures she can cook as much as she and my father-in-law generally have, and then add a little bit more for the other three of us. And then if she does that, there isn't enough food for everyone. I think the only reason she finally paid attention to me is that I'm pregnant and I'd lost two pounds between two appointments, and this gave her pause. She doesn't want to starve her impending grandchild. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'd be hungry every night still. It just looks like so much food!

    I know you'd think someone with very strong Si would have enough food for everyone, but I think that her weak Te is causing her to not be able to estimate how much food we'll all eat. I could be convinced that it's some Ti logic thing.

    Anyway, tell me what you think.

    (And sorry I've been gone but I guess I haven't felt like I have much to say.)
    this is actually kind of funny. my mother is similar (she's an LSE btw). as she and my father have aged, they seem to eat less and less. so then they think that everybody else has the same appetite they do. so they barely make enough food. and, sometimes, my mother cooks food that is on the very edge of freshness or that crosses over into being distinctly not fresh by any stretch of the imagination. lol.

    and my parents tend to tell me to parent the way they did also. as in don't give your children too much attention, stuff like that. "we did it this way and it worked better." "i don't know what's gotten into you kids these days, the children have entirely too many toys."

    i see it as partly generational. when i was a kid, we were urchins, set free to run the streets and get into trouble. these days, the culture really will not allow that type of parenting. someone would call child protection if i let my kids run free the way that i was allowed to.

    and you know my parents are not always wrong. i mean me and my brothers were never overweight as kids...we were skinny. nowadays, kids get fat sitting on the computer and watching TV and you have 9 year old girls getting their periods.

    but for what it's worth regarding your mother i would tend to think her behavior with food is partly her age, partly generational, and partly weak foresight in the form of Ni polr.

    congrats on the baby too, are you going to find out the gender?

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Hmm, On the other side, there's the ESE who will buy and prepare too much food and push that on everyone to eat so there's no leftovers... Speaking of myself of course.

    Congrats on the young'n Slacker Mom.

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    Thanks everyone.

    Ok, here's why I see it as Te. Ti is about internalized logic, and Te is about external logic, sometimes called "business logic" although that name can cause confusion. Though this is about allocation of resources really, which has a business edge to it. She has to figure out how many resources to get and how to distribute them. Collection and organization of external objects. It's very much a logic thing, and very external.
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    Quote Originally Posted by cracka View Post
    Hmm, On the other side, there's the ESE who will buy and prepare too much food and push that on everyone to eat so there's no leftovers... Speaking of myself of course.
    That's really the same thing - not knowing how much stuff to buy. You just err on the other side.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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