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escaping
From observing myself and my enfp friends...
Jealousies come from insecurities. If we are insecure about something (a relationship, an attachement's feelings for us, lack of basic needs being met, are we attractive enough, are we a good enough person, etc etc), then negative emotions will flair up which can easily be interepreted as jealousy. For ENFps, jealousy stems not so much from wanting something someone else has...but feeling the lack or deficiency of something.
Competition isn't a normal reaction from an ENFp. There's probably a number of things that could be behind it. Sometimes even the reactions to feeling lack or deficient in something can be interepreted as being competitive. I think each person would be different as to what may be causing this...as well as whether it IS actually competition and not something else.
On a personal note, however, when I've been around ESFps, I've felt with each one that they are forcing me into some kind of competition.
* One esfp friend would get really competitive when we'd go out dancing together. I'd just go to have fun. She'd get pissy if a guy would ask me to dance instead of her. I'm not looking to pick up a guy. But she seemed to feel better about herself if she was able to give the guy dancing with me HER number instead of me giving mine. If that's what she needed to feel good about herself, *shrugs*.
* One esfp friend of mine had an on-again-off-again relationship with a guy. I was a hypnotherapist at the time. He wanted to ask me for help as a hypnotherapist. But neither of us felt that it would be appropriate because of this esfp's tendency towards jealousy. Finally, after he left her again, she asked me to intervene, to talk with him. I told her that I didn't want to get involved, that I didn't want her to be upset with me if he talked with me about things that he didn't feel he could talk to her about, etc. She insisted. She insisted for nearly two weeks straight before she finally set us up to be in the same place alone together. (without her presence) Her way of forcing the situation. So finally he and I talked about some of the stuff he was dealing with. I gave him a few suggestions that I'd learned as a hypnotherapist. Different images he could give himself when he's faced in those troubling situations that might help him, etc. Things that were unique to him and his situation. We both knew that she would belittle his fears if she knew about them, so I agreed that I wouldn't share what we had discussed with her. And she had already promised me that she would allow the discussion to be private...she wouldn't try to get the info out of me, and she wouldnt' be upset about him talking to me. Two days later what happens? She's pissed off because he talked with me but won't talk to her about it. She starts in on this jealousy campaign telling us that maybe he and *I* should get together and forget about her, etc etc etc. Really pissed me off since SHE was the one who insisted that we talk as therapist/client...and then she turns it into some sexual/romantic thing?? It all was getting so bad that finally he told her what the discussion was about. And she LAUGHED at him, how could he be so troubled by panic attacks at work? He just needed to buck up, etc etc etc. Ultimately, she ripped him down, just like we knew she would. It destroyed their relationship. She held ME responsible for him leaving her completely. (Note: she wasn't exactly healthy....i refer to as they psychobitch from hell)
* My daughter is ESFp. If there is anything interesting in the house, SHE insists on having it for herself. I don't think she even recognizes that someone else may want it. For example, I buy her a video game and me a video game at the same time. She bugs me and bugs me about MY game until finally I cave and let her play my game and i play hers. Just as I start getting into the game, she starts bugging me wanting her game back, she's bored with mine now. At least until I start playing it again. I purchase her a container of ben and jerry's and me a container as well. She gobbles hers up in one night. Even after being told that that is the only snack we get for the whole weekend. I eat a little bit of mine here and there, it usually lasts further than a weekend. Except that once she is finished with hers, she starts bugging me about wanting some of mine. Everytime I go to eat some, she wants some. I won't give it to her, she already had hers. This is mine dammit. And she bugs and bugs and bugs until I've finally finished it. She does this with food, games, time, energy, etc. It's gotten to the point that I've begun hording and hiding things. Just so I can enjoy whatever in peace without her harrassing me for it. I hate the feeling. I hate the feeling of having to compete with her. I hate how much she takes and takes and takes and rarely gives.
(Note, my daughter IS beginning to give a little more. Nowadays she'll offer to share her own items with us, and last bday party she was at, she brought R and I a cupcake to share, she didn't want any. She's not as demanding of some things, but she definitely wants more than a fair share. I don't believe she recognizes how much she does this, and I think if she were ever to actually be aware of it...it would bother her to pieces. As she learns, the feeling of having to compete, horde, hide lessens.)
* My father, also, ESFp competed with my oldest brother a lot. And he had a tendency to eat a huge bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup and whipped cream and nuts and cherries in front of us kids, while we were stuck with something really cheap. Or he'd snack on a plate of nachos in front of us, and get mad at us for looking at his food (he hadn't given us anything to snack on, just ate it in front of us). (I do wonder sometimes if perhaps we had done to him similar to what my daughter's done to me.) Much later in life, with my brothers gone, he'd buy all sorts of snack items, cookies, cakes, etc. And hide them in his room, but never buying anyone else in the household anything. (Note, he's not a healthy person either)
Anyways, my point wasn't necessarily to single out ESFps as being the instigators of competition. But L&LL being ESFp brought the esfps to mind that I know.
I'm more aware of insecurities in enfps and the ways that that shows up than I am about competitiveness, as competitiveness always seems to show up as a reaction to things being withheld, taken from, or forbidden the enfp, and it's always been a sign of long term stress from those things, and as such is unique to the situation/persons involved.
It's also quite possible that the competitiveness thing is due to lack of clear communication by both parties. And also one of those downward negative spiral things. Like, did my father start hording/hiding because of things kept from him when he was a kid? Did my daughter somehow interpret that I was hording/hiding (before I actually began hording/hiding) and was responding to that interpretation of hers..thus leading us into the downward spiral that led to me actually hording/hiding? There's lots of possibilities. And it would require clear communication on both parties, (without blaming either party), to get to the true root of the issue.
So if you're having these troubles with your enfp friends, try to find out what insecurities the enfp has that is leading to the seeming jealousy signals. And, if you dare, though it will most likely negatively affect the relationship if not done properly by BOTH parties, communicate clearly and without blame regarding the competitiveness. If there truly is competitiveness, check your own actions as well as something from the enfp's past that might be leading them to react so negatively (remember they are stressed out if they are competing) to your own actions (or whoever they seem to be competing with).
IEE 649 sx/sp cp
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